Help! Marriage / crush

[Chocosprinkle]

I feel so ashamed that something like that has happened to me. I've been married to a lovely man for close to 15 years. I can't fault him on anything. I've met someone through work. I feel hugely attracted to him. I thought having him become a friend would help but things are getting worse. I keep thinking about him. I think he fancies me too. We can talk for hours. We have lots in common..
I don't want to cheat on my husband. Nothing has happened other than flirting and bantering. How do I make this go away so I can stop fancying him and return to my boring stable family life.

Having a tough time today. I keep thinking about him. I with my brain would go back to normal!!!! This is exhausting.

Shocked as the nice responses. Be different it was a man talking a out cheating on his wife.

Yes, agreed. I re-read OP's posts from the perspective of a wife reading her husband's posts. Absolutely devastating.

You need to remember that love is not an emotion but a decision. You promised to love your husband and not this other guy, however much you ‘fancy’ him. Fancies can come and go. Now stop being a teenager and grow up and remember your narriage vows.

@Chocosprinkle

I am feeling exactly the same but not going to contact him. If I see him online I log out. It's hard because I want what we had at the start he always use to contact me think because of our situations he decided to back off. I don't blame him tbh according to him we are friends but don't feel like he that.

Just keep yourself busy and eventually you will maybe have a day where you don't think of him.

His birthday is day before mine so might say happy birthday but feel bad if I don't.

My crush makes me feel sick when I see them walking towards me. When we speak, I feel like a heavy weight has been placed on my chest. It is just horrible and no longer fun.

If I can give you advice- under no circumstances get into an affar. I did it and it is the biggest mistake of my life. Distance yourself from this guy and work on your marriage. If you are unhappy then leave. Sometimes deeply crashing over someone means that you are not happy in your marriage. But getting into an affair before ending marriage first will destroy your life and keep you emotionally addicted to OM.

OP, how are you feeling these days?

@Chocosprinkle early on in your first post you say 'we can talk for hours, we have so much in common'

There's a really interesting phenomenon when we meet other people (of any sex/gender and in any context) where we subconsciously scan similarities and differences. It's how we work out how to connect with other people or whether we should be wary of them and run away!

Put that in a potential 'personal relationship' context and in general we focus on the things that are similar between us, however inconsequential they are. So you get the conversation: "OMG, I can't believe it, Mike doesn't like walnuts, and I don't like walnuts either. It's our most hated food. Can you believe it?? What an amazing coincidence!" All the while ignoring that their personalities, circumstances, long-term plans are entirely incompatible.

And the converse applies. Sometimes people leaving relationships put massive weight on the perceived differences. Couples who have been together for eons, have stable lives, kids... and suddenly split up because he/she had was vegan, or apolitical or didn't share their passion for exercise...

However I would say it is good that you can feel this excited and intoxicated by something new. Take hope from that. What can you imagine that you and dh would do that might be similarly exciting for you? When dh and I were 50 we found 50 new things to do together. Some were mundane - dinner in a longed for restaurant - one was about having sex outside, which somehow we'd never done before! Some were things together - learning to play a duet. One was life threatening (accidentally) when we both nearly drowned - God, HE was the person I wanted to be with at the end of that experience!

So, OP, I wonder what this distraction is telling YOU? (for it is only a distraction, it's not a life-meant love). What is it telling your inner self? Is it telling you that you still have capacity for excitement - and how can you find that? Is it telling you that you want sex to be more exciting - well be imaginative about how you can find that!!

Also, in the very immediate short term, use CBT/hypnotic techniques to create an aversion to the 'lovely man'. He is not so lovely if he is vomitting after a night out or because of noro virus. He is not so lovely when he's eaten something that's disagreed with his digestion...

I have experienced this, those chemicals racing around, keeping me awake at night sometimes. Giddy excitement, heart racing, lust for life and feeling truly alive again! It’s been a few years since the crush but sometimes I want it to come back…it’s AMAZING!

It was always innocent : both married with children so it only went as far as gazing at each other across the room at parties, sometimes “accidentally” brushing arms and, at the end of the evening, when everyone was saying goodbye and kissing, a minutely longer and discreet intimate hug with a kiss close to the lips HAHA.

Really chuffed neither of us pursued it but I now sometimes dream about a secret rendezvous, or a chance meeting in the street one dark evening where maybe we can look each other in the eyes, hold hands and have a little snog!!! Just like a teenager might…

You need to stop thinking about this as something that's 'happening to you'. It's not something that's happening to you - it's something you're doing and choosing to indulge in because it's exciting. Take responsibility and stop pretending he can be a friend, rather than avoiding him.

With all these posts of younger women crushing on older men it makes me fearful for my own husband and marriage 😫

@Chocosprinkle @Loonylooops I am also currently in the exact same situation. Its consuming me. I've never been in this predicament before.
I wonder sometimes is the other person also interested or is it me picking up things that are not there but then I hear you describe your situation Chocosprinkle and mine feels the exact same. Backing away and then not etc, lingering eye contact, awkwardness sometimes and a feeling if tension and then other times it feels normal
I only ever see my crush only every couple of weeks and it's driving me insane.
I've been reading all the posts like this and about affairs and can see how people get pulled into them it's like an addiction or seeking out some thrill in a mundane life
But I am glad I have read all the stories and it makes me wake up and realise the consequences and that its not real etc
I hope mind fades soon.

I think when this is happening we are emitting hormones, pheromones, so we are therefore more attractive to males ..it’s hard to explain but I felt highly sensualised and vibrant and it coincided with huge hormonal changes in my body, ie the last chance to conceive (late 40’s). I felt as though I was having THE BEST LIFE EVER ..and other people pick up on it. I was on a natural high.

Fantastic to think I never pursued anything… I can see now it wouldn’t have been worth it …

@CrispsnDips I think your right I am in my 40s also so definitely think there is a hormonal aspect attributed to it. I definitely feel the most confident in these years.
I think coming out lock down also is possibly a factor.

Just noticed some of you have asked how I was doing. What a mess I'm in!!!
I tried (unsuccessfully) to stay away from this man but my infatuation got worse. He ignored me after I gave him a cute card and xmas present and I found myself crying in the toilets and being really upset! I've messaged him fessing up and saying it was too difficult to see him every day as I can't control my feelings and I just need him to stop talking to me. He took three days to reply to say I got carried away as we were only ever friends and he'd managed to re arrange his work so he doesn't have to work near me.
I'm relieved and at the same time I feel horrendous. I've spent days in tears, I feel up and down, ashamed, I'm wondering if I'm completely insane and whether I will ever be happy again. I think it was limerence. It was hell and I'm worried it will happen again. I'm a mess!!!

If I have a word of advice: nip it in the bud! Walk away before you're in too deep!
Work on your life - catch up with friends, cuddle hubby, have date nights, plan a weekend away, look after your emotional wellbeing.

Sounds like you tried to move it into a relationship so it doesn't seem likely that you value your DH as much as you thought you did. If you think it's going to happen again it doesn't sound as if your marriage is fulfilling and happy. Feel sorry for your DH I must admit. I wouldn't want to be married to someone sending presents and crying in toilets over a work colleague.

Oh dear - what present did you buy him and will you be able to avoid him?

Oh dear. I think the true reason you are after this guy, if you’re willing to admit us, is because of your own validation seeking. You feel validated by him as if you’re 16. You’re not. You have a family to take care of. Practice gratitude and not selfishness. He’s done you a huge favour by not striking it out because rarely do affairs with out beyond a few casual exchanges of grossness in a hotel room whereby you share your germs with this man and selfishly pass on those germs to your respective partners you like to keep in the background, as back up. It’s all sleazy as hell. In some way he’s saving you from your giddy selfish self.

Yeah, you'd have cheated on your husband if this guy had reciprocated.

Suggest you think about that OP.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like this, but I'm not surprised.

Limerence is a horrendous experience. I've been there, I know what you're talking about. It's the only MH crisis I ever had.

The good news is there is a way out, and that way out is going no contact. Ideally no contact whatsoever. Not a bit of contact - NO CONTACT. This will give you the fastest resolution. Small contact will make the recovery take longer.

You are right that nipping it in the bud would have been the right response originally but you are where you are.

You also understand that these are chemical reactions in your brain. It's an addiction that you have to kick. Since he's told you a relationship will not happen you are now going cold turkey. You are grieving a lost relationship that was not in any case real, but your body craves those interactions.

It's much better for you that he has told you that you have got carried away. He has ended it. You are lucky.

If it helps, be angry with him. Because he's gaslighting you. He encouraged this. He got the ego boost. He deliberately made you like him. Now he doesn't want to see the end results of his efforts.

This will pass eventually. For me it took a long time, but you have the advantage that you know it's over now. A few weeks and you will feel a lot better than where you are now. But please go no contact and throw your energy into your DH as well.

Hey Chocosprinkle,

so sorry you are feeling bad. Honestly, when you’re over this (and you will be soon), you’ll be so glad that nothing happened. Those pesky chemicals make toads appear as princes - I look back at some people I’ve had a “mutual” crush on (old ugly guys who had more power than me in my 20s) and I shudder and cringe, and thank god it didn’t go anywhere lol 😂

Those chemicals makes us high and drunk and literally transform these mere mortals into Gods, and when we come down from the high we’re left with a sleazy, cheaty bloke with their own quirks and dirty habits that make what was once a nice flutter in the belly, a churning sickening feeling. Am not exaggerating 😂 been here so many times. A crush for me is like a vacation so I have them regularly

You have answered you own question Chocosprinkle you cannot fault your marriage in any way! Of course if you meet some one paying attention to you and having a laugh, it will lift you it’s natural! But he probably flirts and is the same to others. You have a good marriage don’t act on it! Just think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

Yes. I had a talk with a senior colleague (woman) about this, and she said she owned it when it happened — like yeah OF COURSE he fancies me! I’m hot and successful and brilliant at my job. She soaked it into her ego and talked about it openly. Acknowledged it as part of her identity. She was attractive!! Very happily married to the nicest, gentlest possible man. She was very successful in the workplace.