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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help! Marriage / crush

106 replies

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 15:43

I feel so ashamed that something like that has happened to me. I've been married to a lovely man for close to 15 years. I can't fault him on anything. I've met someone through work. I feel hugely attracted to him. I thought having him become a friend would help but things are getting worse. I keep thinking about him. I think he fancies me too. We can talk for hours. We have lots in common..
I don't want to cheat on my husband. Nothing has happened other than flirting and bantering. How do I make this go away so I can stop fancying him and return to my boring stable family life.

OP posts:

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 19:52

Its limerence, it’s not real unless you make a real. Don’t be that person.

Loonylooops · 19/10/2022 19:59

I'm in exactly the same situation OP. Please PM me if you need support....I know I do! I feel exactly the same as you!

Original poster

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 20:01

I'm looking for the quickest way to make this go away. It's affecting my concentration and stressful!!!! Rationally this guy is not a good match at all!!! I've got a fantastic husband and a great life. Why on earth did this happen to me!

OP posts:

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 20:02

How about a session of counselling, you can book a Relate session on your own?

Original poster

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 20:13

Thank you. I'm having a look online. I feel very up and down. I need to concentrate on my hobbies and keep busy with things that make me happy I think.

OP posts:

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 20:17

Google limerence it will really help.

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 20:18

Could you arrange a meet up/night out with a girlfriend, try and do something for yourself?

Feeloverit · 19/10/2022 20:26

@Chocosprinkle

Try no contact for awhile it's hard focus on husband I am trying to do this.

In my situation it's like he opened up old feelings of the past not just about him. He the last person I actually talk to from when I was going through something back then.

It's a weird twist I stupidly miss our conversations you would think I be happy he backed off as I thought I never get rid of him. Sometimes I get the urge to message then I don't and then he does. I just replay that moment we had once over and over. I feel I missed the boat had my chance to date him but was interested in someone else. I was a mess back then. Very complicated.

I think look at what your missing in your marriage. Focus on something else you will get over this. Good luck

Kittykat93 · 19/10/2022 20:42

It's very normal there is nothing wrong with you at all! It's not that you prefer this man over your husband It's just that you are feeling the thrill/adrenaline/lust type emotions and they can be really hard to ignore and not act on. I'm not sure what advice to give but I wouldn't worry that your marriage is in trouble, you are a human and unfortunately we don't marry a person and become blind to everyone else 😁

Mummysgogetter · 19/10/2022 20:54

Kittykat93 · 19/10/2022 20:42

Despite how abnormal people try to make you feel when you express these types of feelings for people other than your spouse

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 21:07

wouldn't worry that your marriage is in trouble, you are a human and unfortunately we don't marry a person and become blind to everyone else 😁
I totally disagree, her marriage could end up in trouble if she starts comparing her DH of 15 years with shiny new exciting man.

MaxTalk · 19/10/2022 21:34

Your husband will be boring compared to a new guy. It's like having an old car that's a bit used and worn out for 15 years then walking into a new car showroom.

Even if the new car is actually a bit cack, you will be excited at the prospect of having something new to drive...

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 19/10/2022 22:16

Ohhh no OP! I've been there. A crush of the worst kind and clearly mutual.

Yes it is exciting, fun, all of that but the reality is anything but.

Avoid him. Shut down attempts to flirt. If you find that hard to do, be motivated by the look on your husband's face if he knew. A crush is one thing, an affair, very different. You need to stay away from him and the crush will fade.

Anonymous2151 · 19/10/2022 22:25

@Chocosprinkle some really good advice on here, I'd say take a step back and breath a moment and don't get carried away by flirtation. Do you work closely together or are you in close quarters like an office situation? It's so hard when a friendship is intense with opposite sex, feelings can come into play but remember your own words, this guy isn't as good a match for you. Is he single or in a relationship?

ManAboutTown · 19/10/2022 22:26

What is interesting here is that it seems many ladies have had (or are having) the same feelings as OP but none on this have really acted upon it and certainly none changed their life

This sort of stuff happens to men too - there I have been a couple before I was married that I stepped away from for the same sorts of reason.

Original poster

Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 03:49

ManAboutTown · 19/10/2022 22:26

What is interesting here is that it seems many ladies have had (or are having) the same feelings as OP but none on this have really acted upon it and certainly none changed their life

This sort of stuff happens to men too - there I have been a couple before I was married that I stepped away from for the same sorts of reason.

All these answers have been so useful thank you!!! He's in a relationship too. I hadn't see him in a week. Saw him today and he was super flirtatious it made me feel a bit ill at ease actually. I'm going to be physically out of his way a lot more. Cool it down. Mention his SO and my husband more in the conversation and stop the flirtatious banter. I think he backs off too when he's taken it a bit far. He's usually cooler the next day when he's been more flirty. I think he's trying not to do anything he'd regret too.
My husband is the only person I can see myself growing old with. We have a real complicity, intellectual match, private jokes etc. We've been through so many things together.
I've been in a long term relationship before I met where I was unhappy and kept thinking "this is not right". I never think that with him.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 20/10/2022 05:53

Do pull way back, @Chocosprinkle. You’re on a slippery slope and entering emotional affair territory via your huge mutual attraction, flirting, building closeness, and hours-long talks. Would you be comfortable with your H or the OM’s Partner witnessing the spark of your flirtatious banter? How does the thought of H acting on a mutual crush like this make you feel?

Your colleagues must be noticing.

Distance yourself as much as possible and starve the oxygen level. As you say, mention the respective partners and children. View the flirting as callous disregard of H. Invest more energy and attention into your mutual connection with H, and focus on sharing some fun adventures with him. If the infatuation doesn’t subside, find another job. You have too much to lose.

ManAboutTown · 20/10/2022 06:23

@Chocosprinkle - I really hope this ends well for you.

secretrugbyfan · 20/10/2022 06:46

The thing is you can never have a perfect marriage. After 15 years you can't look at each other like when you were first dating. You can't snog like silly enamoured teenagers. You both have faults and know all the bad habits of the other one. I don't think I'd be happier on my own. I do find this other guy super hot though arghhh I feel like I'm 16 again when he's near me!

But why? Why can't you be like this? I realise that love changes over the years, but surely the only thing stopping you being like this is you? There might be lots of reasons, such as the feelings/signs of affection are not reciprocated, but if the feelings/signs are there what stops you?

Greenslime35 · 20/10/2022 07:26

Hi OP just wanted to add my two pence worth. I am susceptible to this kind of wrong attention and can get caught up in the odd crush, though thankfully haven't acted on it. I think it's because of severe emotional neglect as a child. Love bombing as well can feel like Love to me!! So am a bit vulnerable to this and need to watch myself as these crushes can be hard to wriggle out of.

FrozenGhost · 20/10/2022 09:12

After 15 years you can't look at each other like when you were first dating. You can't snog like silly enamoured teenagers

But why? Why can't you be like this? I realise that love changes over the years, but surely the only thing stopping you being like this is you?

Not really, the thing stopping it is that the biochemical reactions that cause those feelings don't happen in a long term relationship, they only last for about 2 years. I'm not saying that's bad, or that you can't love someone after that. But it's silly to say that you can bring back those feelings with your DH of 15 years with a date or whatever. You just can't.

I think crushes can be enjoyed without harming your relationship, but if it's starting to get in the way of your life, best to step back. The feelings will fade.

Original poster

Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 09:23

Absolutely. I've had a huge cuddle with hubby this morning and I'm going to cool things down. I feel so much better already for making this decision and reading all your comments. What I mean is after 15 years you can't get butterflies in your tummy as soon as you see each other but we have a profound steady connection built like a sediment over years of experience together bringing up kids etc. I'm often together with this guy but don't have to be -I can have external meetings or work from home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 09:33

I agree. I cannot fault my marriage in any way. Just we don't look at each other and get all nervous and excited. Thank goodness in a way as this is exhausting!!!! I'm going to pull away. In my work situation it will be easy not to see him to be honest.

OP posts:

Whistlesandbell · 20/10/2022 10:20

You are doing the right thing Chocosprinkle, nip it in the bud before it becomes a thing. He will get the message.

Seeinglightthroughallhisbullshit · 20/10/2022 12:19

Don't be a Dorothy!

www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-fantasyland-of-an-affair

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