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Original poster

Help! Marriage / crush

106 replies

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 15:43

I feel so ashamed that something like that has happened to me. I've been married to a lovely man for close to 15 years. I can't fault him on anything. I've met someone through work. I feel hugely attracted to him. I thought having him become a friend would help but things are getting worse. I keep thinking about him. I think he fancies me too. We can talk for hours. We have lots in common..
I don't want to cheat on my husband. Nothing has happened other than flirting and bantering. How do I make this go away so I can stop fancying him and return to my boring stable family life.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 20/10/2022 12:39

From the other side, my ex husband began an affair with someone at work a few years ago. She was quite a bit younger than him, no children (we had 2), in a relationship but not married.

I think she made him feel young and fun again, whereas I was just the ageing, dependable wife and mum of his kids. He came home from work and I expected responsible adulthood from him and he went to work and could be fun and responsibility free.

Anyway, long story short, I found out and ended our marriage of 13 years. We had known each other since we were 16, lots of mutual couple friends, he was like a son to my parents.
I think reality hit quite quickly with the OW, that although it was fun being able to go out more and have a younger, fun girlfriend, she didn't understand his responsibilities towards his children who he still saw a lot, and the age gap meant that they wouldn't have had the same shared experiences. The novelty wore off and they split up after a year or so.

He is now single, after another failed relationship and I have been with my partner for 3 years and bought him out of the family home. He rents a house and I may be wrong but he doesn't seem like a happy man.

There was nothing wrong with our marriage other than the usual mundane-ness and predictability of married life with work and kids thrown in. I think he has realised that the grass wasn't greener.

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 14:16

Yes a lot of it is pure fantasy. Realistically we are so different. Same thing happened to people I know. They let the thrill drive them to new people and total disaster. Resentful kids. New step parents. Realized very quickly they'd made a mistake and split up with new BF etc etc

OP posts:
Bloodylegoeverywhere · 20/10/2022 14:57

I could add to this myself 😢

notme1969 · 20/10/2022 15:43

@Sunshineandflipflops Same thing happened to my exH. Young pretty singleton in the office showed him attention and compared to me, the boring, slightly overweight, mumsy mum who he'd known for years, there was no contest.
He left, but then she found him boring because he couldn't afford to sustain a single lifestyle and he had to spend time with his kids at the weekends which didn't interest her at all. She dumped his arse and he's been miserable ever since with a string of failed relationships behind him. He told a mutual friend of ours that she was the biggest mistake he ever made.
I however lost weight, gained confidence, got a new job and a new (faithful) husband and have never looked back.
Be careful - the grass is rarely greener.

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 18:33

notme1969 · 20/10/2022 15:43

@Sunshineandflipflops Same thing happened to my exH. Young pretty singleton in the office showed him attention and compared to me, the boring, slightly overweight, mumsy mum who he'd known for years, there was no contest.
He left, but then she found him boring because he couldn't afford to sustain a single lifestyle and he had to spend time with his kids at the weekends which didn't interest her at all. She dumped his arse and he's been miserable ever since with a string of failed relationships behind him. He told a mutual friend of ours that she was the biggest mistake he ever made.
I however lost weight, gained confidence, got a new job and a new (faithful) husband and have never looked back.
Be careful - the grass is rarely greener.

Yes that's what I've telling myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 19:53

That link comparing infidelity to the wizard of oz was excellent!!!! Not seen him today. Had a bit of a cry over this emotional mess. Focused on family and me time today and it helped I think.

OP posts:
Feeloverit · 20/10/2022 20:04

@Chocosprinkle

I am glad you focused on family and yourself.

I woken up not feeling numb I don't feel anything no more.
It wasn't real whatever I thought it was between me and him.
Well I just feel like what I created wasn't real.

I think I will be okay.

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 20/10/2022 22:50

I can't wait to realizing this too!!!

OP posts:
ChocFrog · 20/10/2022 23:49

Truth is, OP, it happens to all of us, usually more than once.

If you want your marriage to survive, you step away from the new man you’re attracted to. See them as little as possible. Be cool in interactions.

Recognise that there is no such thing as soulmates, but everyone is more exciting when you first meet them, and the world contains many different attractive men who you could have spent a happy lifetime with. Doesn’t mean you should keep chopping and changing.

If you value what you have at home, step away from this.

Blossom4538 · 20/10/2022 23:56

@Chocosprinkle I do feel for you. I am in the same situation and it’s hard! I also have to see him most days and that can’t change unfortunately.

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 21/10/2022 00:51

Thank you choc frog. Very true.

OP posts:
OhAmBackAgain · 21/10/2022 13:39

this thread is good.

I'm in process of getting over my crush, also see him everyday at work, pulled right back 3 months ago, haven't spoken since (unless absolute necessary for work, but kept short and clipped)

I'm almost at the stage of work life feeling normal again, homelife is now 95% me just enjoying home and dh and not thinking of him, but I still have days we're it hurts.

the worst is not looking at his eyes (we pass each other a lot) as soon as eye contact is made it seems to ignite it all again, plus I think he see it as green card, which makes me feel guilty for then having to plainly avoid him again and push him away again so he backs off again(he's single)

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 21/10/2022 15:03

I've not seen him for 48hours and I could cry. It's absolute torture. I've had crushes before but this someone is something else. What a nightmare. Same for me. He looks at me, I look at him and I feel like we're both on a different planet with nothing else around. I'm staying strong but it's tough.

OP posts:
OhAmBackAgain · 21/10/2022 17:24

Stay strong think rational Flowers

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 21/10/2022 19:18

I would love to know how long before I'm over all this rubbish! I'm getting better but this is a crazy situation. I'm the last person I would have expected this to happen to! Thank you for your support. It massively helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 21/10/2022 19:30

secretrugbyfan · 20/10/2022 06:46

The thing is you can never have a perfect marriage. After 15 years you can't look at each other like when you were first dating. You can't snog like silly enamoured teenagers. You both have faults and know all the bad habits of the other one. I don't think I'd be happier on my own. I do find this other guy super hot though arghhh I feel like I'm 16 again when he's near me!

But why? Why can't you be like this? I realise that love changes over the years, but surely the only thing stopping you being like this is you? There might be lots of reasons, such as the feelings/signs of affection are not reciprocated, but if the feelings/signs are there what stops you?

I think we've been together for so long our love for each other is totally different from the thrill and excitement of the early days. I think part of it is my mid life crisis. I think to myself "you will never date again. You'll never go for a drink with a bloke you fancy then end up the night kissing passionately " etc etc. I could cry when I think like this!!!!

OP posts:
OhAmBackAgain · 21/10/2022 19:43

Just keep focusing on the 'not a good match' any and all bad bits about his personality, at the same time focus on the best bits of your marriage, the love, the understanding, the trust you have which each other.

I feel fine when I've dissected all crushes faults and nit picked at the reason's we would not work as well as me and DH.

As soon I let my thoughts wonder off this sticked path, that's when I start slipping back.

TBH writing about him hasn't helped 😂
So I will say my crush is only out for an ego stroke, is a Twat and a player.
There said it, and I'm sticking to it 😊

Seeinglightthroughallhisbullshit · 21/10/2022 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

Whistlesandbell · 21/10/2022 19:49

In 10 years time how you feel about your DH is at best how you’d feel about exciting new man but more likely you’d be incompatible. If you went off with him then you’ve destroyed two relationships. Think of this and the fact that he could possibly be having an amazing connection with another work colleague. Or think of your DH doing feeling the same about a female colleague and hold onto that pain.

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 21/10/2022 20:14

Whistlesandbell · 21/10/2022 19:49

In 10 years time how you feel about your DH is at best how you’d feel about exciting new man but more likely you’d be incompatible. If you went off with him then you’ve destroyed two relationships. Think of this and the fact that he could possibly be having an amazing connection with another work colleague. Or think of your DH doing feeling the same about a female colleague and hold onto that pain.

Thank you that's really helpful!!!!

OP posts:
Changer25 · 21/10/2022 20:25

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 20:01

I'm looking for the quickest way to make this go away. It's affecting my concentration and stressful!!!! Rationally this guy is not a good match at all!!! I've got a fantastic husband and a great life. Why on earth did this happen to me!

It didn’t happen to you, you’ve allowed it to happen by spending hours talking to him and befriending him.

if you’re looking elsewhere then leave your husband and do the respectful thing. If you’re not looking elsewhere (in the nicest possible way) you need to get a grip and stop putting effort into this friend. Put it in to your marriage instead

girlfriend44 · 21/10/2022 21:45

You won't be the first or last person this happens too.

It's What you do about it that matters.

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 22/10/2022 18:09

True. It's getting loads better.

OP posts:
Dery · 22/10/2022 18:41

“In 10 years time how you feel about your DH is at best how you’d feel about exciting new man but more likely you’d be incompatible. If you went off with him then you’ve destroyed two relationships.”

I think this is so important. Of course you don’t feel the same excitement and butterflies about your lovely DH when you’ve been going through the daily grind together for years. This guy will seem shiny and new in comparison.

But if you were married to this guy, it could well be your lovely DH you had a mad crush on.

FWIW I think it’s normal to have attractions to other people, otherwise why would there be a wedding vow to foresake all others? It is evidence of your deep love and commitment for your husband that you don’t act on these feelings. I developed a huge crush on a colleague many years ago - it took about 18 months to completely burn itself out. But like you, I was very clear that I didn’t want to act on it (not in real life anyway 😀) and it in no way diminished my love for my DH. And if it put a bit of extra erotic energy into me - well DH was the beneficiary anyway, so that was fine too!

Original poster
Chocosprinkle · 22/10/2022 18:59

ManAboutTown · 20/10/2022 06:23

@Chocosprinkle - I really hope this ends well for you.

Thank you. I saw him today but I felt a lot less nervous and more like he was a friend. That's the direction I want this to take. Gosh he's hot though but I've made sure he sees less of me and I'm behaving more like a mate / not flirty so all OK.

OP posts: