Practical help with children from ‘new’ partner?

[LochNessMagician]

I have been seeing my partner for just over 2 years. We live separately but close by. He has children similar ages to mine from his previous marriage (tweens). He has his kids one night a week and every other weekend. I have my children full time. I have no family support nearby and a busy- hard job, I rely on expensive childcare and favours from friends to get by. One of my children is very sporty and I spend a lot of time ferrying him to and from training and matches. My partner will help me, but only if I get stuck. He’s kind and good natured and been honest about being a selfish and needing time to himself to pursue his own sport which he says keeps him sane. He says he finds the children overwhelming and struggles with parenting (hence he has outsourced most of his to his ex- who he pays grandly to do so. This seems to suit them both, as such she only has to work p/t). I get very resentful that he can’t seem to help me more. He doesn’t do the pick up from brownies or any of the regular taxi runs. Most of the time I’m run completely ragged. What is normal in this situation? How much help should I expect?

I expect none from my DP of 3 years but we also don’t live together. He does occasionally make dinner but mostly I see him when DD is with her dad.

They aren't his children and he's been honest and upfront about his position. So you have no right to expect anything.

You describe him as ‘outsourcing’ parenting his own children, so why would you think he would help with yours?

I wouldn’t expect any help from a partner you don’t even live with, even a live-in partner I wouldn’t expect to be ferrying the kids place. Maybe the odd favour when you are literally stuck and cant do it, but I wouldn’t expect him to be doing anything just as a favour so you don’t have to do it when you are still free to do it. It’s more reasonable to ask family to help out with your children who are presumably their grandchildren or nieces/ nephews etc than it is to ask a partner who isn’t even their stepdad or any relation.

I would say the above even if he could be bothered to see his own kids more than once a week, but the fact he doesn’t even want to bother with his kids means it’s really no surprise he doesn’t want to do anything for yours! He sounds like a rubbish father and so of course he’s not going to be great with your kids.

I don’t think he’s obliged to do anything although he could definitely help when you’re stuck which you say he does.

Is the childrens dad involved? He should be doing the ferrying to brownies / regular taxi runs etc

Your partner is being totally honest and tbh I would do the same in his situation, he's the same with his DC so I'm not sure why you'd expect him to be more involved with yours.

I wouldn't be impressed by him prioritising his hobby over his own kids.

In this situation, nothing. He is not taking on a step dad role.

Hi OP, I'm in a similar position but with someone who doesn't have kids. He cooks when he is here and does stuff with all of us but yes I know what you mean when you're trying to do everything and keep everyone happy and you really just want a team player who will ease some of the burden rather than add to it.

I agree with others that your expectations are off. Both in general and specifically in relation to a man who has made his position clear.

I totally understand that your exhausted and feel stretched thin, but a new partner isn’t going to want to do your brownie runs etc.

Your children’s father clearly isn’t helping. That’s the real problem. But I doubt you can solve it.

It does get easier as they get older.

I don't think you can expect any, because it sounds like he doesn't particularly enjoy looking after children. It also sounds like he's quite selfish with his time, which is fine in a sense because he can afford to be, but I couldn't be with someone like that.

I doubt I'll ever be in this situation, if I were, I'd expect zero help with my children from someone not related to them in any way shape or form.

That may change if I ever got married to someone, then I'd maybe expect them to help with running the kids about places and collecting them from places etc.

I don't think he should be expected to do any of that, but I'd be very wary of being with a man who describes himself as very selfish.

He isn't obligated to pick up any slack with your kids but it sounds like you would prefer a partner who would be more inclined to step up to the plate in this respect. It sure ain't ever going to be this fella from how you've described his wilful lack of involvement with his own children.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is 'right'... if you want more find someone else.

You’d be completely delusional to expect any help from him. Nor should you.

He has already shown he’s a crap father to his own children. How do you think his ex partner would feel to know he’s busying himself ferrying some other woman’s children around, when he does so little for theirs?

If you need childcare, employ someone. This man already has responsibilities he is failing to meet. The children he should be ‘helping’ with are his own.

I can't see why you would want a relationship with someone like that based on the way you describe him.

Do you honestly expect him to help you with your kids when he hardly does anything for his own?

Every other weekend isn't uncommon when one parent works f/t and the other doesn't or works p/t. It's not necessarily outsourcing.

It's odd your mentioning your partner but not the kids Dad?

Two things:

1. He isn't going to be there for your kids when he can't be arsed with his own.

2. Your kids' real Dad should be doing brownie pick ups and ferrying them around. Where is he? Why is he leaving it all to you?

I agree with PP’s I’m not sure why he would or should help with your DCs - you dont live together and particularly if he doesn’t seem very involved with his own. What about your children’s dad? What is he doing to support them? Sounds like it’s all left to you

It wouldn't cross my mind to ask partner to help with my child when he has his own to sort out.

I agree with other posters, he isn’t your childrens father and you don’t even live together. You shouldn’t be expecting any help.
He has been honest with you about where his priorities lie. If his own kids aren’t his number one priority then why would yours be.

I expect no help from my partner, but he wants to help me, because he doesn't want me run ragged. I rarely take him up on the offer, but I know he is there for me and vice versa...works for us.

If he lived with you and you were a family unit I'd think he should muck in and share tasks a bit more. But he doesn't live with you - he's your boyfriend, not your partner. And he's been honest. Why would you think that a man who cba to parent his own children would have any interest in parenting yours?

I don't understand why women get involved with selfish men who are shit fathers. Especially when they have kids of their own to consider. Unless you just want a friends with benefits kind of arrangement, which doesn't seem to be the case, you can do better than some bloke whose hobby is his priority!

I think you might be asking the wrong question.

Its ok for him to draw his boundaries, and organise his life as he does.

But it’s also okay for you to want a different type of partner, one who pitches in, who notices that you’re struggling and cares enough to want to help.

I’m sure he has some excellent qualities but if he isn’t ticking the boxes for what you need in a partner, it’s ok to call it a day. I wouldn’t feel loved or supported in that situation. Other people I’m sure would be happy with it.

Trying to turn someone into something that they aren’t is a waste of time, energy and sanity.

Where is your kids' dad?