Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Practical help with children from ‘new’ partner?

108 replies

LochNessMagician · 18/10/2022 19:32

I have been seeing my partner for just over 2 years. We live separately but close by. He has children similar ages to mine from his previous marriage (tweens). He has his kids one night a week and every other weekend. I have my children full time. I have no family support nearby and a busy- hard job, I rely on expensive childcare and favours from friends to get by. One of my children is very sporty and I spend a lot of time ferrying him to and from training and matches. My partner will help me, but only if I get stuck. He’s kind and good natured and been honest about being a selfish and needing time to himself to pursue his own sport which he says keeps him sane. He says he finds the children overwhelming and struggles with parenting (hence he has outsourced most of his to his ex- who he pays grandly to do so. This seems to suit them both, as such she only has to work p/t). I get very resentful that he can’t seem to help me more. He doesn’t do the pick up from brownies or any of the regular taxi runs. Most of the time I’m run completely ragged. What is normal in this situation? How much help should I expect?

OP posts:
CatchersAndDreams · 19/10/2022 08:28

I was single when dc were your dcs age. Much easier and you'll be run far less ragged.

I also don't think you'll ever get him to want to be a family man. You want someone who sees your dc as part of the package. He doesn't want a family. Neither of you are wrong, just different.

Ugzbugz · 19/10/2022 09:02

You can't think it's okay for him not to look after his own kids but to help you with yours! How do you think that would make his kids feel and would also totally mug their mother off.

Hes a disgrace and you are for standing by someone who doesn't put their kids first.

thelobsterquadrille · 19/10/2022 09:14

What did you expect?

He doesn't bother raising his own children - why would he want to help you raise yours?

Riverlee · 19/10/2022 09:20

They’re not his kids, and he doesn’t live with you, so doesn’t have a stepdad role either. There’s no obligation for him to help at all.

if you are run ragged, then maybe you need re-assess your own life. Cut down on the number of hobbies your dc’s are doing if its making you feel ragged. It’s not up to him to solve your taxi-service problems.

Doggiedoodoos · 19/10/2022 09:38

He should have no involvement. He is your boyfriend not anything to your kids.

HandbagAtDawn · 19/10/2022 09:56

Why are you so attracted to men who are rubbish fathers?

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2022 10:09

in this situation

you sort your kids out

he sorts his kids out

simple

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2022 10:10

HandbagAtDawn · 19/10/2022 09:56

Why are you so attracted to men who are rubbish fathers?

@handbagAtDawn

why is he rubbish father just cos he also makes time to do a sport as well as parenting?!

some people on here think you have to give up all exercise/hobbies/socialising when you become a parent !

aniamana · 19/10/2022 10:11

Just look at how he treats his own kids, do you really want someone like that in your life??

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2022 10:13

Ugzbugz · 19/10/2022 09:02

You can't think it's okay for him not to look after his own kids but to help you with yours! How do you think that would make his kids feel and would also totally mug their mother off.

Hes a disgrace and you are for standing by someone who doesn't put their kids first.

@Ugzbugz

why is he rubbish father just cos he also makes time to do a sport as well as parenting?!

some people on here think you have to give up all exercise/hobbies/socialising when you become a parent !

lunar1 · 19/10/2022 10:22

He's doing the minimum for his own children and has been perfectly clear he isn't going to do more with yours. He doesn't sound like the right man for you.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/10/2022 10:23

I have a partner of 3 years, who I don't live with and I have never expected anything of him regarding my DC. He is friendly with them and will occasionally play xbox with my youngest if he is here and buy them Xmas/birthday presents but that's it.

He is my partner, not the DC's dad/step dad.

My DC's dad has them EOW and a night in the week and has just split up with his partner of 2 yrs because I think she wanted things to progress but that would mean living with her DC full time and he didn't want that. Why would he I guess when he doesn't even live with his own DC and can effectively live a single life with the perks of a girlfriend when he wants it.

But yes, if this is what you want from a relationship then maybe you both have different relationship expectations.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/10/2022 10:28

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2022 10:10

@handbagAtDawn

why is he rubbish father just cos he also makes time to do a sport as well as parenting?!

some people on here think you have to give up all exercise/hobbies/socialising when you become a parent !

Show quote history

Agreed. I think EOW/1 night in the week is quite 'normal' for a dad when separated from the mum for having the DC. This is what my ex does (sometimes 2 nights in the week) and he is not a rubbish dad. He has parenting a lot easier, but that doesn't make him a rubbish dad.

Ugzbugz · 19/10/2022 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ugzbugz · 19/10/2022 11:07

@Sunshineandflipflops

Its nor normal to only see uour child a few times a month. No one would find this acceptable from a mother.

Imagine if a mum said I'm doing sports 24 nights a months so cant see my kids.

Pumpkinspicey · 19/10/2022 11:08

Seeing your own kids a couple of nights a week because you find kids "overwhelming" as OP describes does not make anyone a good father 🤔

This has absolutely nothing to do with hobbies.

I see my kids everyday but I also swim and do yoga twice a week.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/10/2022 11:29

Ugzbugz · 19/10/2022 11:07

@Sunshineandflipflops

Its nor normal to only see uour child a few times a month. No one would find this acceptable from a mother.

Imagine if a mum said I'm doing sports 24 nights a months so cant see my kids.

How often do most separated/divorced dads have their dc then? EOW and 1/2 nights in the week is very usual with everyone I come across, unless there is a 50/50 arrangement. It is most common for mums to be the resident parent and someone usually has the have the dc more, which tends to be the mum. Doesn't have to be of course.

My ex will have our DC more in holidays, and we are in contact almost daily about them but they didn't want to be chopping and changing homes any more than that, especially as they have got older.

It's not because he is "too busy" to have them any more, it is what is best for all of us.

Kanaloa · 19/10/2022 11:42

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/10/2022 11:29

How often do most separated/divorced dads have their dc then? EOW and 1/2 nights in the week is very usual with everyone I come across, unless there is a 50/50 arrangement. It is most common for mums to be the resident parent and someone usually has the have the dc more, which tends to be the mum. Doesn't have to be of course.

My ex will have our DC more in holidays, and we are in contact almost daily about them but they didn't want to be chopping and changing homes any more than that, especially as they have got older.

It's not because he is "too busy" to have them any more, it is what is best for all of us.

Show quote history

So plenty of other men do it therefore it’s good parenting? No, it’s just in line with the shockingly low bar. Twist it the other way and see if you’d call someone a good mum after they told you ‘I only have my kids a few days a month because I like to do crafting and stuff and I can’t be bothered with messing about with kids.’ It’s not good - it’s shit. And nobody’s saying parents need to martyr themselves and never do any sports to be good parents - but what if both these kids’ parents decided they needed more time for hobbies and only wanted to be a parent once a week and every other weekend?

But regardless at least he’s honest. Some men would tell you anything you want to hear then reveal themselves to be selfish shits. This one has admitted from the get go that he’s selfish.

Cornishclio · 19/10/2022 11:51

If he can't be bothered to do much with his own kids he won't help you with yours. How would you feel if he asked for help with his? He doesn't sound like a team player or someone who will help you out at all so I am not sure the relationship will survive.

Cornishclio · 19/10/2022 11:52

I would be more cross their father has opted out. You are going for wrong sort of men

Whistlesandbell · 19/10/2022 11:57

I would expect no help from him.

autienotnaughty · 19/10/2022 12:00

He's not obligated to help but he's telling you who he is by not getting more involved. I would assume if you stay together, move in etc none of this will change . He doesn't intend to have a hands on role and likelihood is if you live together you will be doing the lions share potentially for his kids too.

Sandcastlesinthesky · 19/10/2022 12:02

While I wouldn’t expect it I think the bottom line is he doesn’t love you or indeed anyone else by the sounds of it apart from himself. No basis for a relationship to see here.

ThisIsMeToooo · 19/10/2022 12:03

Step mothers are told on here all the time that they are not their children and it is the father who should be doing everything for their children. Why should it be different for you?

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/10/2022 12:05

Kanaloa · 19/10/2022 11:42

So plenty of other men do it therefore it’s good parenting? No, it’s just in line with the shockingly low bar. Twist it the other way and see if you’d call someone a good mum after they told you ‘I only have my kids a few days a month because I like to do crafting and stuff and I can’t be bothered with messing about with kids.’ It’s not good - it’s shit. And nobody’s saying parents need to martyr themselves and never do any sports to be good parents - but what if both these kids’ parents decided they needed more time for hobbies and only wanted to be a parent once a week and every other weekend?

But regardless at least he’s honest. Some men would tell you anything you want to hear then reveal themselves to be selfish shits. This one has admitted from the get go that he’s selfish.

Show quote history

I think my post has been taken out of context.

I wasn't trying to say that having your dc 3/4 nights a week makes you a good dad or a bad dad. I'm saying that when couples separate/divorce, then one parent (usually but not always the mum) has the DC more then the other so that those dc can have a 'base'. For me, I stayed in the family home with my dc and my ex has them EOW and 1/2 nights in the week as this is what suits us all (dc included). He doesn't have them this amount to fit around his hobbies but the fact that I am the RP does mean he has more spare time than me, yes. I still make sure I do my hobbies though and I get to spend more time with my dc, which I am happy with.

The op's dp may be a crap dad, I don't know. Him having his dc EOW and a night in the week doesn't MAKE him a crap dad in itself though. If he is only having them a certain amount because he prioritises his hobbies that is a different matter but not many separated couples have a 50/50 arrangement as it's not always beneficial for the dc.

I hope I have explained what I mean!

Swipe left for the next trending thread