Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Practical help with children from ‘new’ partner?

108 replies

LochNessMagician · 18/10/2022 19:32

I have been seeing my partner for just over 2 years. We live separately but close by. He has children similar ages to mine from his previous marriage (tweens). He has his kids one night a week and every other weekend. I have my children full time. I have no family support nearby and a busy- hard job, I rely on expensive childcare and favours from friends to get by. One of my children is very sporty and I spend a lot of time ferrying him to and from training and matches. My partner will help me, but only if I get stuck. He’s kind and good natured and been honest about being a selfish and needing time to himself to pursue his own sport which he says keeps him sane. He says he finds the children overwhelming and struggles with parenting (hence he has outsourced most of his to his ex- who he pays grandly to do so. This seems to suit them both, as such she only has to work p/t). I get very resentful that he can’t seem to help me more. He doesn’t do the pick up from brownies or any of the regular taxi runs. Most of the time I’m run completely ragged. What is normal in this situation? How much help should I expect?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 18/10/2022 20:41

He doesn't sound like a particularly good dad to his own kids so not sure why you think he'll step up for yours!

thaegumathteth · 18/10/2022 20:43

Why would you expect a man, who does as little as he can, for his own kids to do anything for yours?? Bizarre.

Also you sound bitter about his ex getting maintenance. Sort out your thought process.

missmamiecuddleduck · 18/10/2022 20:43

How much are you doing for your DP?

Original poster
LochNessMagician · 18/10/2022 20:45

This is very astute. It maybe is the wrong question I am asking. It has been helpful to see what others think is normal or acceptable to do in this situation.

Some have asked about the children’s father- he is not on the scene at all, no financial support either- his choice (not mine obvs).

OP posts:
FairyLightAddict · 18/10/2022 20:47

I'd expect nothing. You don't live together and he's not your kids stepfather.

NotLactoseFree · 18/10/2022 20:47

mummypigoink · 18/10/2022 19:37

You describe him as ‘outsourcing’ parenting his own children, so why would you think he would help with yours?

This. And he has an obligation to his children, not to yours.

Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 20:47

Honestly, it sounds like you're wanting him to be a step dad and he's wanting to be a boyfriend and not looking to take you guys on as a family. You have different expectations and it sounds like it is already causing resentment.

One thing to consider though, if you were expecting him to play step parent to support your children, he could just as reasonably expect you to do the same for his.

I can understand you feeling stressed and worn out given your lack of family support but I think your frustration with him is misplaced, though it does sound like you might not be compatible in the long run.

FinallyHere · 18/10/2022 20:52

I get very resentful that he can’t seem to help me more.

It doesn't sound as if you are compatible.

A man who is 'happy' to outsource parenting to his ex-wife and to pay her for the privilege, to free up time for his hobby, isn't very likely to want to pick up more parenting for his 'new' girlfriends existing DC.

Each of you sound very reasonable but you want such different things I don't see that you are compatible. It would take one or both of you to change, him to want to at least help parent your children or you to stop expecting him to do so.

FirstFallopians · 18/10/2022 20:54

So neither your ex partner or current one have any real interest in parenting their own kids?

I know that sounds a bit dickish to point out, and I don’t mean it to come across that way. But it is interesting that you’ve entered into two separate relationships with men who opt out of all, or the majority, of their parenting responsibilities.

Pumpkinspicey · 18/10/2022 20:59

LochNessMagician · 18/10/2022 20:45

This is very astute. It maybe is the wrong question I am asking. It has been helpful to see what others think is normal or acceptable to do in this situation.

Some have asked about the children’s father- he is not on the scene at all, no financial support either- his choice (not mine obvs).

I actually really feel for you having read this. There are men out there who will support you and your children practically, emotionally and everything else you crave, they are few and far between but they do exist however, you won't get it from him.

Sounds like you've got a similar man to your ex at the moment.

Sounds like he isn't suited to your needs and you're ready for more of a family man.

Kite22 · 18/10/2022 21:02

It does seem a bit odd that you seem totally accepting that your dcs' own father does nothing - practically, emotionally or financially - to support his own dc, and yet you seem to think that your boyfriend (who has been quite clear and upfront about what he is/ isn't willing to do in terms of childcare) ought to do more for your dc ? Confused

I think if you were at the stage of making decisions to become a family unit, then that would be different, but you don't seem to be, you are two adults who like to spend time with each other. He isn't their step dad. I think you are expecting too much.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2022 21:07

You don’t live together. He’s happy with the status quo. You sound quite judgy and contemptuous of him. Not sure why you’re together.

Original poster
LochNessMagician · 18/10/2022 21:27

I didn’t mean to give the impression he is a bad father to his children. He tries hard and is supportive of his ex (rightly so as she is doing most of the heavy lifting). It is true though that you couldn’t describe him as a ‘family man’ and as some have correctly pointed out to me, and this thread has helped me see that deep down that is what I’d prefer him to be.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 18/10/2022 21:32

You should have no expectations. They aren’t his children and he has his own life (plus his own children). I wouldn’t be acting as taxi driver or childcare in that situation.

unsync · 18/10/2022 21:52

How do you see this relationship progressing going forward? It seems that your partner is happy with his life and setup and I don't see that changing - do you?

Azerothi · 18/10/2022 21:58

You sound very much more invested in this relationship than your boyfriend wants to be.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/10/2022 23:12

FairyLightAddict · 18/10/2022 20:47

I'd expect nothing. You don't live together and he's not your kids stepfather.

This. I wouldn't expect anything. My ex expected lots of help with his kids but to me he shouldn't have expected that at all. I never expected anyone to help out with my DD.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/10/2022 23:49

He says he finds the children overwhelming and struggles with parenting (hence he has outsourced most of his to his ex

Outsources parenting his own children, and can’t cope with a couple of nights a week with his own flesh and blood?? Wow.

The relationship doesn’t have legs long term really does it…if he can’t even mentally cope with his own children what would he be like living with you and yours, occasionally with his also thrown into the mix!??

Oh hang on I already know - any grunt work, or anything he finds remotely unenjoyable/inconvenient would be “outsourced” to you.

Wouldn’t touch that with a barge pole.

ToadSmall · 18/10/2022 23:59

It would be awful for his dc if he was picking your dd up from brownies and he took no interest in his own children.

He's not a good match for you. He might have children biologically, but he's not a good parent.

MintJulia · 19/10/2022 00:05

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2022 19:41

I wouldn't be impressed by him prioritising his hobby over his own kids.

This. He is a selfish man. Don't expect anything from him. He's a boy friend, not a partner.

Kanaloa · 19/10/2022 00:07

mummypigoink · 18/10/2022 19:37

You describe him as ‘outsourcing’ parenting his own children, so why would you think he would help with yours?

This is exactly what I thought. If he can’t be arsed with his own kids why on earth would he want to parent yours? The only thing that gets me through my kids’ activities is that they’re mine.

Thatskindafun · 19/10/2022 00:13

So weird you talk about him paying his ex grandly and she only has to work PT like she’s got an amazing deal here
maybe she can only work PT
maybe she doesn’t think she’s paid grandly, I suspect if he outsourced to a nanny the nanny would be paid better.

he sees his own kids for 8 days a month only
literally no clue at all why you think he’d help with yours

he has literally told you he’s selfish and wants his own time, doesn’t like parenting his own kids and would rather not
please hear what he is saying

Sarahcoggles · 19/10/2022 00:18

I've been with my partner 6.5 years and we don't live together. His kids are adults and independent, so he has a lot more free time than I do. My kids are teens with no father involved.

I never set out to find a father figure for my kids, or a second pair of hands to help me. But over the years DP has gradually helped more and more, mainly with lifts. So if he was at my house, and I was rushing around to get the kids to 2 different places, he would offer to drop one of them at their destination. I never expect his help, I haven't factored it into my life plans, but he loves me and wants to make my life easier if he can. I would find it annoying if he knew I was struggling and that he could help, but he chose not to.

Pallisers · 19/10/2022 00:23

if he isn't going to be your idea of a family man with his own children, he certainly isn't going to be with yours.

I don't think this relationship is for you. He sounds very selfish tbh.

TootMootZoot · 19/10/2022 00:25

I don't think it's selfish of him not to want to help you with your kids. You've only been dating two years and he doesn't live with you. Hopefully he would offer to help if you were really stuck but otherwise I wouldn't expect him to help at all.