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Original poster

Practical help with children from ‘new’ partner?

108 replies

LochNessMagician · 18/10/2022 19:32

I have been seeing my partner for just over 2 years. We live separately but close by. He has children similar ages to mine from his previous marriage (tweens). He has his kids one night a week and every other weekend. I have my children full time. I have no family support nearby and a busy- hard job, I rely on expensive childcare and favours from friends to get by. One of my children is very sporty and I spend a lot of time ferrying him to and from training and matches. My partner will help me, but only if I get stuck. He’s kind and good natured and been honest about being a selfish and needing time to himself to pursue his own sport which he says keeps him sane. He says he finds the children overwhelming and struggles with parenting (hence he has outsourced most of his to his ex- who he pays grandly to do so. This seems to suit them both, as such she only has to work p/t). I get very resentful that he can’t seem to help me more. He doesn’t do the pick up from brownies or any of the regular taxi runs. Most of the time I’m run completely ragged. What is normal in this situation? How much help should I expect?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2022 00:29

I'm astounded you would expect anything. He's your boyfriend. He's not your childrens' father and he doesn't even live with you.

BadNomad · 19/10/2022 01:02

You can't ask for or expect more than he is willing to give. He's telling you what he has to offer, so it's up to you if you accept that or not. But you can't stay with him and still complain about it. I wouldn't call him a partner tbh.

Musti · 19/10/2022 01:24

If he doesn’t want to look after his own kids, then he’s not going to look after yours, especially when he doesn’t live with you.

I think you either have to accept that or split up.

Ivyonafence · 19/10/2022 01:56

He sounds like a shit and selfish dad towards his own children. Why would he be better with yours?

How would his children feel about him ferrying your children to their activities while being too busy with his hobby to do the same for them midweek.

JustCheckingItsYou · 19/10/2022 06:21

I don’t think he’s what you are looking for

bananapyjamas · 19/10/2022 06:28

I don't think you can expect it when you don't live together and he has been very honest about the fact that he doesn't want to do it.

He's told you who he is an what he wants - you can't force him to help with children that aren't his.

You need to decide if this is the right relationship.

Skipsaway · 19/10/2022 06:31

He's not a parent to his own kids so not going to be anywhere near that to yours.
Sounds like you need your kids dad to do more rather than your boyfriend.

Aprilx · 19/10/2022 06:42

You don’t live with him, I wouldn’t consider him a partner as in you are not sharing a life and all that entails. So no I wouldn’t expect anything in this scenario. If you want more, a true partnership, then that is fine but this is not the man for you.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 06:49

Are you happy with not having any support until your children are adults? That's what he's telling you will happen here.

gamerchick · 19/10/2022 06:54

He isn't and will never be a step dad OP. You have a choice to make

Darbs76 · 19/10/2022 06:58

I don’t think it’s reasonable he ferries your children around to be honest. Being mums taxi is annoying, but it’s their own father’s duty to help with that. Not your boyfriend

Ihatecocomelon · 19/10/2022 07:03

He says he finds the children overwhelming and struggles with parenting (hence he has outsourced most of his to his ex- who he pays grandly to do so

Well he shouldn't have got his ex pregnant if he can't deal with being a parent. What a catch.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2022 07:06

Mt boyfriend of a year has 2 adult children. I have one adult child and a teen still at home.

I don't really need practical help but hebhas done stuff when I've been caught up at work and can't get away for something she needs.

I wouldn't ever expect if from him but he's a family man at heart and enjoys the presence and bustle of family life.

However, I wouldn't have expected or asked for any help with ferrying them around when younger. They're my children and my responsibility.

WillPowerLite · 19/10/2022 07:12

He isn't your partner. He's your boyfriend. I think saying and thinking 'partner' about him is unhelpful for you.

A partner is supposed to ease your burden in life, and love you enough to see that you are struggling and need help. You do the same for him. That's partners.

You two probably have a nice relationship, and that's fantastic. It's just a little more distanced than having a partner who is more involved in your day to day life.

If you want more or different, maybe he isn't the one for you. Or maybe in 5 years, when your dc are adults or nearly so, things may even out between you in terms of burden, and the fact that he's not a family man will be of less importance to you.

BryceQuinlan · 19/10/2022 07:23

There seems to be a pattern to the men you have chosen (from your limited info I this post, I admit).

You have given him a status and so an expectation by using the word 'partner'. Downgrade him mentally to 'boyfriend' which is more appropriate. If you are happy with a boyfriend, then excellent. If you are wanting a partner, move on and be more realistic about their behaviour.

AgentJohnson · 19/10/2022 07:25

Hmm, you describe him as a family man but then says he ‘outsources’ most of the parental responsibilities to his Ex. I’m confused as to where your expectations are coming from, why would he shoulder more parenting responsibilities than he shows his own children? This is who he is, if you can’t fully accept him, then move on.

pimlicoanna · 19/10/2022 07:25

He doesn't sound well suited to being with someone with children

bumpytrumpy · 19/10/2022 07:37

He sounds like a man who just about ticks society's most basic boxes of fatherhood (weekends & maintainence)

I think you want more than that, and you certainly deserve more. He may be better than your children's father but that doesn't make him good enough.

This probably won't go away. When your kids are teenagers and adults they will still need you, and you will resent him for not having the same responsibilities. Even thinking about care of future grandchildren - will he leave all of that to you too? Probably yes.

bumpytrumpy · 19/10/2022 07:38

BryceQuinlan · 19/10/2022 07:23

There seems to be a pattern to the men you have chosen (from your limited info I this post, I admit).

You have given him a status and so an expectation by using the word 'partner'. Downgrade him mentally to 'boyfriend' which is more appropriate. If you are happy with a boyfriend, then excellent. If you are wanting a partner, move on and be more realistic about their behaviour.

Agree with this, don't give him a status he hasn't earned. He is absolutely not your partner sharing life's duties & responsibilities. You're dating him, he's a boyfriend.

How would he react to being called that?

Heavenknows22 · 19/10/2022 07:43

When my children were younger and I was rushing around everywhere trying to fit everything in, I found it much easier when I was completely single and not trying to conduct a relationship as well.

knittingaddict · 19/10/2022 08:04

He has readily admitted that he is selfish and the facts back him on that. Why on earth would you expect him to give you any help at all? If you want a less selfish and more engaged partner then change the partner.

This seems so obvious that I'm wondering if this is real.

knittingaddict · 19/10/2022 08:07

I wonder if the money he is paying his ex to look after his own children is actually child maintenance. Some men will spin anything.

He sounds awful.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 08:10

This can’t be serious? You don’t even live together, he’s your boyfriend, why the heck should he be caring for your kids?

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 08:11

knittingaddict · 19/10/2022 08:07

I wonder if the money he is paying his ex to look after his own children is actually child maintenance. Some men will spin anything.

He sounds awful.

Or the op spun it. Of course it’s bloody child maintenance. She’s pissed as she wants him to look after her kids for her so is running him down.

why would be be running around after her kids. Good lord.

DropOfffArtiste · 19/10/2022 08:14

Did he tell you he pays his ex "grandly"? As in an actual salary equivalent? Is he making up her pension contributions to full time equivalent? Or is it just that he pays child maintenance which he is legally obligated to do?

I wonder what his ex really thinks about this "outsource" arrangement and how he describes it? Is it more likely she feels left in the lurch by this manchild and had to pick up the slack with their children?

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