His boss, my problem,

[notmyissue]

Posting because I need to get it off my chest.

DH bosses awkwardness is making my life difficult.

When we had children we sat down and worked out a split of childcare. I do all the mornings and drop offs. Then we split the pick ups 50/50.

On the two days he does the pick ups, I work late to make up the hours lost from all the drop offs.

His boss keeps booking on site meetings on the company WFH day, and late meetings on the day he needs to leave on time. So he can't do pick up.

My DH just accepts this, sends me a message saying he can't do pick up and then expects me to pick up the slack. Meaning I have to shuffle meetings arounds, let people down, and make up the hours in the evening or over lunch.

It's driving me up the wall! Burning me out and making me feel like keeping his boss happy is more important than me being happy. But his job pays more than mine, so it's difficult to risk pushing back.

Do what the rest of us working parents do and pay a Childminder for the school pick-ups!
Your husband's boss is not purposfully scheduling your husbands meetings to coincide with the days you work late.
Your husband earns more money than you do, so he can't be risking his job by mentioning your paranoia to his boss.
Just accept that neither of you can guarantee availability for the afternoon school pick ups and hire a Childminder. Jeez!

My DH just accepts this, sends me a message saying he can't do pick up and then expects me to pick up the slack. Meaning I have to shuffle meetings arounds, let people down, and make up the hours in the evening or over lunch.

you need a childminder. Or you need to re-arrange your pick-up days. But in any case if i were you? I would either ignore the text, or i would text back asking him what arrangements he has made to cover his responsibility.

And then i would be demanding that he take over 50/50 with the drop offs too.

Either your husband lets his boss know what days he picks the children up and hopes his boss works around him or you're going to have to pay a childminder.

Has your DHsubnitted a flexible working request?

We have a similar set up - DH earns considerably more than I do and is the primary breadwinner (although I also have a 'good' job with plenty of responsibility).

It works just fine for us, which I think is fundamentally down to the fact that we are basically on the same team. He is very respectful of my work, and although he has a 'big job' in mn terms, he won't hesitate to rearrange his calendar around mine if he is able to.

But equally, I am respectful of the fact that when push comes to shove, we both jointly agree that his job takes priority. Luckily we both have good employers/bosses who support flexibility around family life, and so we only rarely find ourselves in the position where my priorities have to make way for his. And it will always involve a discussion - he would never just assume that I am there to pick up the slack.

I think your DH needs to start pushing back on his boss. If he genuinely isn't able to (due to poor culture) then that is a different problem that you need to think about how you solve together (time to look for a new job?). But if he just doesn't want to push back or inconvenience himself - then you absolutely have a DH problem.

It's nursery for a 3 and 1 year old. Not schools and already 8.30am - 6pm.

Further wrap around isn't available locally.

This is your DH's problem, not yours. They're his kids, if he can't pick them up then he needs to hire a childminder.

Can he do all the drop offs in the AM and you do all the pick ups in the PM?

Wow you're just a ray of sunshine to someone who posted looking for moral support.

I'm asking for him to change things, I'm not asking AIBU. I'm justing sharing a tough situation that I'm in.

And in all honesty looking for a few people to go. 'I was in a similar situation, it was tough but it got easier once they were a bit older. So stick in there'

And just to add, he does earn more. But I'm also well paid and we could also easily live off of just my wage. Or both of our wages part time.

I'm also not sure what part of this is paranoia.

This has just started happening to my DH (it’s not the same boss, is it?!).

Our child is a bit older than yours so although not ideal DH gets her from school, gets her a snack and plonks in front of the tv for an hour.
Is it not possibly for your DH to mention the collection of children commitment?

I’ve been getting up at 6am to make up my hours if need be. I’ve asked DH to just drop it in to conversation though, nothing to lose.

It will get easier as they get older, it’s always the women that pick up the slack!

His boss knows. But is very much of the 'not my problem'.

Which is true, it's not his bosses problem. But it's also outside of his contracted work hours. So it's not a huge ask from my DH.

I do see DHs side of things, with not being the one that's pushing back and saying 'I can't make that meeting'. Cos I hate having to do that too.

You're not in a tough situation, though! Both working parents are unable to consistently make the pm pick-ups... so pay someone local who can. This really is a none problem.

He did talk to HR about a request. But was told that the WFH Friday was already in his contract, and because he just needed to leave on time and not early on the other day it wouldn't be required.

Your husband should submit a formal flexible working request to finish work at the time he needs to leave to get the kids. He can request a temporary or permanent arrangement.

If it's agreed, then it is clear for everyone what is in place regarding working hours as it becomes part of his terms and conditions of employment.

You don't have a "boss of DH problem" you have a "Dh Problem".

It's very simple. He declines attending those meetings with a suggested reschedule time in the calendar. It's easy enough to check when BossMan is going to be available so your DH picks that time for the meeting.
If he does it enough, BossMan will stop scheduling the meetings for the times that your DH is not available. Obviously he wants your DH to be in the meetings so sometimes this happens. If your DH can't make a meeting and there isn't a suitable time to reschedule it to, then your DH asks for the minutes of the meeting and any actions assigned to him during the meeting.

Oops sorry, cross posted with previous post!

I think given you have said you have enough money that you can live on one of your wages, then perhaps the previous poster that said you need to pay for someone else to pick up or have a childminder or a nanny is probably right that its your best bet.

Alternatively you could both cut your hours/ days as you can afford to that.

There is no magic solution here unfortunately and it will probably be harder when they are at school.

Thank you for this. This is the sort of thing I was hoping to hear.

We've spoke about it before. My work is flexible and understanding (to a point), but the culture at his work isn't great. Just makes it so tough to find a balance.

He's always grateful and apologetic, but that doesn't stop it being frustrating.

Can your husband block out 5-6pm in his calendar on those specific days & then turn down meetings that are arranged despite this? That's what I do.

He starts too early, with too long of a commute, to do drop offs.

He'd be almost an hour late for work if he did a drop off. But with pick ups he just has to leave dead on time.

He's spoke to his boss, HR and it's in his work calendar as 'pick -up'.

He's not even that busy at work. It feels like it's a power thing with his boss.

I would switch with dh so that he does all drop offs and you do all pickups.

Itll be less stressful for you because you will know what you’re doing and plans won’t change last minute, and it’ll be easier for him if his boss likes to schedule last minute meetings.

He’ll find it easier to say no to early morning meetings because he’ll physically be in the house on his own with the child - there won’t be the option to drop it onto you

So you do all drop offs and share pick ups 50/50, but his 50% is only twice a week?
You are already doing much more than your fair share. Does he do extra tasks in the house when you are having to catch up with work in the evening?
Could get do some of the drop offs instead so you could get to work early?

If it’s finishing at contracted time and WFH on contracted WFH day, your husband needs to push back.

However, there is the weighing up of whether this is worth it - could burn bridges etc. and is his salary much more important than yours?

Personally, both me and my DH put it in our work calendars when we need to leave and if a boss overrules that we say no. In a case of push back, we’d at least have something to escalate to HR….

Just seen your reply to another poster about drop off.