His boss, my problem,

[notmyissue]

Posting because I need to get it off my chest.

DH bosses awkwardness is making my life difficult.

When we had children we sat down and worked out a split of childcare. I do all the mornings and drop offs. Then we split the pick ups 50/50.

On the two days he does the pick ups, I work late to make up the hours lost from all the drop offs.

His boss keeps booking on site meetings on the company WFH day, and late meetings on the day he needs to leave on time. So he can't do pick up.

My DH just accepts this, sends me a message saying he can't do pick up and then expects me to pick up the slack. Meaning I have to shuffle meetings arounds, let people down, and make up the hours in the evening or over lunch.

It's driving me up the wall! Burning me out and making me feel like keeping his boss happy is more important than me being happy. But his job pays more than mine, so it's difficult to risk pushing back.

I mean if all he's asking is to leave on time then he needs to just do it. A woman would be expected to. He knows you'll pick up the slack. Maybe you need to move close to your work places to reduce both of your commute time.

His career doesn’t trump yours because he earns more, you need to protect your future circumstances too. He needs to speak to his boss and agree a working pattern that works for you both.

Seeing as it is outside of his working hours it’s simple to say “I will be needing to leave the meeting at x time” he doesn’t need to justify it but if challenged he can respond with “I am contracted to work x time to x time and have other commitments after this time”

if boss gets arsey copy HR in.

is he paid overtime for the extra time? Even if he is it doesn’t mean he has to take it.

Just start saying 'sorry DH can't, it's your day for pick up you sort it out' he'll stop scheduling meetings then

It's not The Boss's job to arrange his business activities to suit
your childcare and domestic set up. Stop blaming BOSS; that's a gaslight get-out from DH

You and DH have to arrange AND PAY FOR your child care and domestic support.

I co-parent with my ex so we deal with all this and aren’t a couple. We still respect the other’s work boundaries and help out whenever we can - if there’s a un-moveable meeting that goes in at a time I’d usually pick up etc he will see if he can do it, but otherwise we’re both just firm with work on our childcare responsibilities. Both in very senior roles too so don’t let him fob you off with that.

Isn't it AMAZING all these Big Man Jobs that are so senior that their earning potential must be protected and yet so so junior they can't manage their own diaries? And how no women have one of these puzzling jobs??

You have a DH problem. He needs to protect his pick up time. It's not about 'protecting the higher earner' - he's not getting sacked for doing pick up, he likely just wants you to believe it's a possibility.

DH needs to step up and start doing HALF. He's taking the mic out of you OP.

When did every board get to be like AIBU?

making me feel like keeping his boss happy is more important than me being happy.

That is what he is doing. He's also damaging your career.

He needs to push back. It's as simple as that.
If the boss has an issue then HR need to be involved.

It's not The Boss's job to arrange his business activities to suit your childcare and domestic set up. Stop blaming BOSS; that's a gaslight get-out from DH

You and DH have to arrange AND PAY FOR your child care and domestic support.

Agree.

So if the WFH day is already in your DH's contract, why aren't HR doing anything about the fact the boss keeps booking on-site meetings on it?

For the other day, your DH just needs to say he isn't available after x time - and leave. If he isn't prepared to do that, he needs to find another solution. The trouble is, he knows that ultimately you wouldn't just abandon the kids to a nursery that needs to close, whereas he would. Because as well as not valuing your work or time, he also doesn't value the work or time of the childcare workers, the majority of whom will no doubt also be female.

You may need to be prepared to call his bluff on this - deliberately go too far away (for a 'meeting') on the day of one of his pickups, so he has no choice but to do it or turn up late (and presumably get fined by the nursery?).

He needs to understand that he's making a deliberate choice to create an issue with you rather than one with his boss. That's 'easier' for him in the short term but incredibly disrespectful and will cause relationship issues with you. So do not make work accommodations on your side for his problem of leaving on time. And make sure he knows this. And if you need to get a childminder, well that's his job to sort out too because he wouldn't do the uncomfortable thing with his manager to keep a pretty good set up you had going. People say their family are the most important thing in their life and then put them firmly at the bottom of the pile.

If meetings keep getting scheduled for the specific days he is doing pick-up, can you swap the pick up days?

Alternatively can you swap the children to a childminder who is more flexible with pick up times than the nursery are? Round here no childminder would collect a child from nursery at 6pm and keep them for an hour but most would keep them until 6:30 or 7 without any problem

This thread is an example of the importance of putting proper childcare arrangements in place to allow both parents the freedom to work as required. I don't see OPs thread as an actual problem... it's really simple... hire a childminder! Having a Childminder meant I didn't ever encounter any of the problems OP has stated.
I work full time in a senior leadership role and when my DC was in nursery, I simply dropped DC off at the childminders, then picked up from the childminders at the end of the day. This carried on with no issues until the end of primary school. Never once did I, or DC's Dad who runs his own company, have to deal with childcare related issues due to not being able to collect DC from the childminders at 6:30 pm.
I know people will say OPs DH has to leave on designated days to collect DC, but that's already proving difficult. Take that stress away, allowing both parents to work as required pm, by hiring a Childminder! I really don't see the problem.

His boss might well be doing it on purpose, but it's your DH's responsibility to say no. It's TWO days a week. even if the culture is to work overtime etc, it's not unreasonable for any employee to insist that on certain days they can't.

if your Dh was part of a football club I bet he'd say, "Oh, can't do late that day - footie" and it wouldn't be a problem. This is why women are consistently penalised - our partners refuse to push back but we don't have a choice.

If your husband is halfway decent at his job then he's not going to get sacked for leaving promptly on two days. He just needs to say he can't make the late meeting. I bet he is giving the impression to his boss that it's no problem. Either that or his boss is a psychopath! What do other people do or say when the boss call an onsite meeting on the company work from home day?

Since when were nurseries not 'proper childcare arrangements'?
Plenty of people don't like the childminder set-up and prefer the nursery one.

The 'freedom to work as required' shouldn't mean unlimited time after contracted hours and we're only talking two days a week for the DH, not every day! It sounds like if the nursery closed at 6.30pm the boss would be scheduling stuff to cause problems for that too!
I know these types of managers - I had one too. It's all about power play and making anyone who doesn't sign away their soul to the business highly uncomfortable.

Your lack of problems may be more to do with the fact that your DC's dad was his own boss, and less to do with using a childminder!

Your lack of problems may be more to do with the fact that your DC's dad was his own boss, and less to do with using a childminder!

Nope. Our lack of problems was due to proper childcare planning and working as a team, so we could both work full time. The nursery closed at 5 pm, so the childminder had DC until 6:30 pm. Simple. Both of us could complete our work requirements as needed in the pm, never any problems. None at all!

I think this is entirely on your DH. His boss may be making requests but if he doesn’t have boundaries and push back, that’s his fault. Yes it’s tough. Women (mostly) have been having to do this for decades. Yes it places you at a bit of a disadvantage if you have to push back for childcare. But you have to work at it. Not just roll over and say “yes of course boss”. This is not at all about your DH boss and entirely about your DH. Sorry.

Welcome to the real world.

Are you sure it's his boss? Or could it be something else?

@SunsetsArePretty have you actually read the OPs updates??

The meetings are being schedule outside of her DHs contracted hours.

Who the fuck arranges a childminder outside of their normal contracted hours "just in case their boss is a dick"?

She had appropriate childcare in place. Nursery followed by the DC parents collecting them after work.

The OPs DH needs to grow a set and start declining meetings outside of his contracted hours on the 2 days a week he has other commitments.

As a compromise, he could offer to do out of hours meetings on other days, but again, under no obligation to do so.

Either you haven't read the full thread or you are extremely hard of comprehension

This is what your husband is DELIBERATELY setting you up for.

Men like him don't give a damn about you or your job or how much additional stress they push on you.

All he cares about is himself.

You are already doing the majority of the picknups and drop offs and you can't even depend on him for that.

The boss isn't your primary problem here, it is your selfish husband.

Stop accepting those texts and his false apologies.

You are just another husband who is applying selfish strategic incompetence to ffxk up your career.

How many women becom sahm because of this and royally screw themselves in the process when their selfish husbands leave them or have affairs.

Good partners support their spouces and they do their share of the childcare.......unless of course he didn't want children and you got pregnant without his agreement?????

Focus on your husband, not his boss.

You need to get PROPERLY pissed off with him.

Jobs have to come first - that is how the money is earned. You will just have to pay for a child minder.