His boss, my problem,

[notmyissue]

Posting because I need to get it off my chest.

DH bosses awkwardness is making my life difficult.

When we had children we sat down and worked out a split of childcare. I do all the mornings and drop offs. Then we split the pick ups 50/50.

On the two days he does the pick ups, I work late to make up the hours lost from all the drop offs.

His boss keeps booking on site meetings on the company WFH day, and late meetings on the day he needs to leave on time. So he can't do pick up.

My DH just accepts this, sends me a message saying he can't do pick up and then expects me to pick up the slack. Meaning I have to shuffle meetings arounds, let people down, and make up the hours in the evening or over lunch.

It's driving me up the wall! Burning me out and making me feel like keeping his boss happy is more important than me being happy. But his job pays more than mine, so it's difficult to risk pushing back.

Your husband needs to grow a pair or find a job with more flexibility

But why does his job come before the OP's? And how much do jobs get to dictate outside of working hours before you're allowed to put your foot down?

@FrangipaniBlue
Again, I really dont see the issue. We arranged a childminder to collect DC from nursery/primary school to cover us until 6:30 pm to ensure problems like the OP is having with pm pick ups never occurred... and it worked. It wasn't just in case, it was to ensure we had some wiggle room so neither of us were ever rushed or stressed. It's all very well to split the pick-ups, which we did... but having a later pick-up time courtesy of the childminder meant it was never an issue. Like a PP said... welcome to the real world! Plan effectively and the arguments dont happen. Simple!

Can you dh do the drop offs instead?

I used to alt the drop offs and I uk ups with my dh. He'd go in late and work late and I'd go in early and leave early. We'd alternate the weeks to accommodate for meetings that started early it Kate

Can he say to boss 'Fred, if you need me to work an hour later in the evenings I'm happy to start an hour later each day' that way he can do drop offs every day, you can start work on time / a tad earlier and do pick ups every day? Or boss will say no, he doesn't want that, and DH can then say 'that's fine, no problem, but if my finish time is staying at 5pm (or whatever) then I do need to leave then'

But very first thing I'd do if I was him, is I'd change 'pick up' in the calendar to 'KEEP CLEAR' instead. I'd also put that across his home time for an hour or so. And I'd get in the habit of putting a few more of them in in the middle of the day for when he legitimately needs to get a report finished, or has a deadline, or admin work or whatever. So it's not an entry that screams 'domestic commitment' but is just an unspecified 'not available' time. And any invites that clash always get a new time proposed 'Sorry Fred, I'm not free then, I can do 2pm if that suits?'

Is that the real world where everyone can afford a childminder to have their DC even if they might not actually still be at work...... on top of nursery fees too?

Give over ey.

@SunsetsArePretty not sure what you're reading that the rest of us aren't but the OP HAS planned effectively.

She's arranged childcare while her and DH are at work and made arrangements that she does 8/10 drop offs and pick ups.

All her DH has to do is 2 pick ups AFTER HIS WIRK SAY ENDS.

Why can't he just say to his boss "sorry, can't attend those meetings. They are outside my working day and I need to pick the DC up, happy to work early or late other days though".

Because that's general how most sensible human beings begs be you know, in the real world.

*work day

God sake soooo many typos

Who the fuck arranges a childminder outside of their normal contracted hours "just in case their boss is a dick"?

Thanks for this, it's probably the first smile I've had in a couple of days

Definitely a husband problem

Just to clear things up, we have childcare 4 days a week from 8am-6pm. Then on the 5th day I don't work.

I condense a 35 hour week into those 4 days. I work 8.30am-5.30pm on the two days I do pick up and drop off, then 8.30am-6.30pm on the two days he does pick up. DH works 8.30am-5pm, but has just under an hour commute.

So we've got 40 hours of childcare for 35 hours of work.

No other nurseries locally do later hours. There is one that opens at 7.30am, but it's other the other side of town so what you gain in childcare hours you loose in getting there.

The mentions of childminders makes me laugh. They are like gold dust in this town, but everyone on MN seem to think they grow on trees.

I've enquired about a nursery space for the 5th day. Then I'll work 5 normal length days.
But there isn't anything available, and in an ideal world I'd keep my 4 days because that gives me a day to schedule all their appointments without taking a day off.

OP,
You are sounding like a single parent.

Taking on the overwhelming logistics of your children with a man that can't be depended upon for 2/10 pick ups.

Thats 20% .....that he can't do.

He is a dud and you are going to find the coming years very hard if you don't reign him in and insist he meets his very small contribution.

Do not reduce your hours.
Protect your career, married to a dud, you are going to need it.

The more you write the more it is clear it is completely your DH that is the problem here. You do 80% of it all, and rather than stepping up and doing his share he is expecting you to do all of it. If he can't be responsible enough to say to his boss that working late doesn't work for him, he needs to go down to working 3 or 4 days a week too so you can go in early and come home late that day at least. You are risking your job to cover for him, because there is no doubt that they can see that your DH isn't doing his share, which to them means you don't value your job.

Can he consolidate his days?

@billy1966 it's actually 2/8. So more like 25%. But I totally agree - he can't seem to sort this tiny little bit of time and the answer is for you to pay for MORE childcare and for you to lose out on a day with your child?

OP - your DH needs to shape up or ship out as my father would say. [My father who did morning school runs most days on his way to work and collected me one day a week, come hell or high water....]

My DH just accepts this, sends me a message saying he can't do pick up and then expects me to pick up the slack. Meaning I have to shuffle meetings arounds, let people down, and make up the hours in the evening or over lunch.

Yeah - because his job comes first in his mind and yours is second fiddle. It's not the boss, it's him.

Reading your updates and other comments I actually feel so angry for you. What would happen if you just texted him on your day say, "sorry, last minute meeting, you'll have to do pick up?" and then turned your phone off?

<hollow laugh>

It wouldn't happen. You have become the default parent here. He is "helping" you when he does the pick up. It's only going to get worse.

His boss is a dick and it doesn't sound like he has any respect for your husbands time. That said, unless your husband says something this will continue.

If this was happening to me I would make sure my boss knew why it was important that I was only working until my contracted hours on that days/days. If a meeting came in, I'd decline it and say it's outside contracted hours and as discussed I have childcare responsibilities.

His responsibilities to his family are more important than his responsibilities to his employer, especially in a relationship where you say that you could both live off your salary.

What you COULD do is point out to him that if you leave him and split custody of the kids he'll have to pick them up 50% of the time - double what he does at the moment - and he'll have no choice about it. Compare that to the 25% he does at the moment (plus the pleasure of your company) and ask what he'd prefer.

What I think you WILL do is nothing except continue to put your own self and job second.

Glad I made you smile @notmyissue

so he needs to change his hours to start 1 hour later every day..... he needs to take this to hr

His boss is rude and disrespectful, sounds like it is a power play to see how what get away with.

Your DH should decline meetings where he needs to pick the kids up, his boss won’t like it but it’s the only way to stop it happening.

This!