Fiancée leaving after 8 years

[mwr789]

Hi all,

writing here for some advice really and appreciate any input.

my partner and fiancée told me yesterday very out of the blue that she isn’t happy as we’ve lost the spark. There is apparently nothing I’ve done wrong or can do differently..

this is very unexpected as we have a great life, sex life is still active, a wonderful daughter and recently enjoyed a long holiday together as a family. We went on a weekend away with friends just last weekend and nothing was un ordinary, all her actions are the same and she hasn’t been pushing me away so to speak. she just has said she has been unhappy since around august time and feels she has tried everything even though she has never spoken to me about it. I have told her what she means to me and that we should try to re light the spark but she doesn’t know if it can change and seems pretty set on that.

I have spoken to close people around me and they all are in as much shock as I am!

She has gone to stay with her mum for a couple of days to see where her heads at as she said it’s a mess and I am happy to give her space/time. I guess what I am asking is it unreasonable to ask for a chance to try and get the spark back or from a womens point of view is she done from her side? I pray she gives it a shot as I cannot imagine life without her, she is everything I want in a women.

she has openly said I’m a great partner, dad and it is nothing to do with my actions or behaviour which makes it so much harder to take!!

All advice/your side of it is really appreciated.

thanks

I would honestly respect what she wants. Trying to put yourself in the role of 'let me win you back!' will make you more unattractive and less appealing in her eyes.

The best thing you can do is a '180' here.

A 180 is usually the advice to a partner who's been left by a cheater, but it applies here too being left out of the blue by someone who's no longer sure they want you.

Further info here: beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

It will help you to move on. It might possibly reignite her interest in you, but that's not really the goal... it has a better chance of that than trying to convince her to give things another try though.

Respect yourself: you sound lovely and I'm sure if you do formally split up you'll have no trouble finding someone else. You're worth more than being with someone who is uncertain about being with you.

Sadly, people do grow apart sometimes, it might be that her love for you has over time grown into more of a familial/sibling type love, that isn't always anyone's fault. Tell her that while it's not what you'd choose you respect her decision and want to move forward as coparents, and then focus on yourself and your own life. Lean on friends, make new friends, busy yourself with trying new things or pushing forwards with work or training, learning, being the best parent you can be, figuring out what will happen with accommodation and finances, and within a few weeks/months you will be in a better place, I promise.

Sorry you're going through this, it's very painful and many of us have been in your shoes. It's far better to be single though than with someone who doesn't want to be with you wholeheartedly.

Agree with pp, don't pressure her to try and get the spark back. Imagine if someone you don't feel a spark with was telling you how much you mean to them.... it just causes guilt, stress and pressure. That will only push her away further. Be respectful of her wishes and remember you deserve to be with someone who's madly in love with you.

It may be a phase but it may not. Only time will tell but it might possibly be over -- I've never managed to get the spark back once it was gone in past relationships, personally.

She says your a great partner and a great dad, but she still doesn't want you anymore? Someone else has turned her head.

Thanks, I will definitely give the 180 a try. As that’s exactly what I don’t want, as much as I feel it’s worth a try I don’t want to create any pressure.

thanks so much

This is exactly what I’ve said. One of her best friends split with her OH 6 months ago and has since been out and back on the dating scene and if nothings wrong I can’t think she’s wishing for some of the same after hearing of romantic dates / evenings together etc. I know she would never do anything or hope not but it is the reality of how I feel I guess!

‘Cherchez l’homme’, I’m afraid to say.

Since august? That’s such a short amount of time to be taking drastic action. All relationships have phases like this, well if not all - many! I find it really odd that she wants to break up her family because she hasn’t been happy for 2 months. There’s been times I’ve been unhappy for much longer than that but it’s just a phase and the happiness comes back. I’m sure my husband has had stages of unhappiness in our marriage too but it’s never permanent. I would never just up and leave unless it’s been going on for a substantial amount of time with the unhappiness getting deeper.

I hate to suggest this but could there be someone else? Or maybe she isn’t being completely open?

I echo what someone else has said, let her have her space and just carry on with your life as normal. Try not to give it too much thought and do not try and win her over. That will have the opposite effect of what you want to achieve. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that but there is truth in it. If she gets a hint that she may have lost you and that you can be fine without her she’ll likely come to her senses sooner, unless she’s 100% certain it’s over for good, which I doubt.

sorry you’re going through this, you must be so hurt and confused 😔

I know that’s why I am so hurt by it all, I just can’t see why she wouldn’t talk first before action. We’ve had a very open relationship with each other and always talk through things so it is such a shock!

See if she’s interested in relationship counselling, whether to try to salvage things, or to give you both closure.

I could be wrong but I suspect she’s come into contact with a man who did give her that spark. I’m not saying she cheated or would ever do that, she may obly have met him briefly. But I’ve been with DH for decades and you simply can’t feel that burning rush of desire/excitement after all that time. Every so often though I click with an attractive stranger I’ve just met and feel that spark that reminds me what sudden desire feels like. It’s just one of the things we have to give up to stay in a long term relationship imo 🤷‍♀️

Your relationship has been falling apart for at least 2 months and you didn't notice?
That might be part of the problem.

I wouldn't jump to their being someone else, that's usually the case for men, not women. You don't think very much of her if you think she wants to be single because she sees how much fun her friend is having.

If she wants to end the relationship let her. Accept that she doesn't want you any more and focus on how you can co-parent successfully.

I do wonder if she has gotten caught up with her best friend's new 'exciting' single life and it has made her wonder about what she is missing out on. I agree with others, the worst thing you can do now is chase her. Give her the space she has requested and stay strong. Don't let her take advantage of you either, she may try dangling you there for a while so she can have a trial of the single life. Keeping my fingers crossed it works out for you all.

Absolute rubbish.

Clearly the OPs partner has not been effectively communicating her issues with OP. Women are just as capable as men in regards to cheating.

OP, I agree with the other posters ion giving her space.
From what you've said - the signs here aren't particularly good, and you might have to prepare yourself I'm afraid.

Clearly something has happened to make her feel this way and I guess it will come out sooner, rather than later, now she's taken the step to go to her Mum's.

I echo what everyone else has said, give her time to work it through, but, although it's a fine line, you also deserve some honesty and clarification of where you stand.

It is a difficult situation to know the right thing to do, so I don't envy you at all, but don't move out . You could find that trying to do the right thing, may eventually leave you in a worse position. I've known several friends cheat on their DH, become distant, the man leaves temporarily 'to give her some space', but never gets to go back and wife gets the single life she craves.

Another here who thinks there’s another man involved. Much as I love MN, the “women can do no wrong” stance that some posters seem to start from is wrong and unhelpful.

Given that she has told you that she’s only been unhappy since August, I think it’s outrageously selfish of her to be so willing to blast your family life sky-high on what appears to be a whim.

All that said, giving her the space she needs may be the best way through this as long as you make clear that you are doing this for her and are yourself very keen to work thinking out.

So she's saying she's not been feeling "it" for about 8 weeks and she's thinking of ending an 8 yr relationship (with engagement) and a child in the mix??!!

Nah.

Either she' s lying about how long she's felt this way (but doesn't want to look like a bitch for playing happy families on holiday etc. up until recently) or there's something else going on.

Has she been socialising with her newly single/dating friend?

There's more to the picture here than somebody not feeling a spark since 8 weeks ago .... And now needing space, moving out, suggesting the relationship might end etc.

I don't think she's giving you the full picture.

If you have access to any of her messages, social media, email etc I'd be having a look around. In circumstances like these I believe that is justified.

And I agree re the 180. Only way to go, whatever happens.

Where is your daughter based while she's moved out to her Mum's?

If she is feeling like she is missing out after hearing about a few tinder dates- it might be that this was something that was missing in your relationship.

I know you describe a sex life and a great family life- but do you still ‘date’ your girlfriend?

Also you say engaged- when did you get engaged? Do you have a wedding planned?

Oh dear, the "it's not you, it's me" line.

I hate to say this but it sounds like she's met someone else. People don't leave comfortable home environments just for the sake of it and especially so quickly. There is always a reason.

You've done nothing wrong, according to her, and you didn't think the spark had gone as nothing has changed, so how would you even try and get the spark back, if you never lost it?

I'm with the others. She might not be having an affair though. She might have seen her single friend going out and having fun and might feel she's not ready to settle down as she still wants to experience that.

How old are you both?

My daughter went with her last night. I will pick her up from nursery today and take her home overnight and take the day off with her tomorrow. I have made it clear I want her to have the space to make the right decision, she knows how I feel and that’s all I can do. I don’t want to cause any pressure!

Yes she has been on nights out with her friend and spending more time with her. I trust her and can categorically can say she wouldn’t cheat. If anything it’s just the idea of it I feel.

I wouldn’t go into messages / social media as that’s just not me.

i am 31 and she is 30

Yeah I'm pretty certain she just wants freedom.

Sorry OP but I don't know how you stay together if she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

No we haven’t properly dated for 6 months or so. The time we have had alone and childcare available as we have had stuff on with our friends etc (same group of friends). So I believe it is one thing we need to start doing and something we are both guilty of.

we got engaged a month or so before we found out we were having our daughter so all got put on hold. We then both decided and agreed to move to a larger family home and then get married.

This is what is frustrating from my side. As we both let each other have complete freedom on doing things I play golf / go to football and she goes out with her friends / shopping etc. so we’ve never had a “you can’t do this or your always out” problem. we’ve not once got in each other’s way