Fiancée leaving after 8 years

[mwr789]

Hi all,

writing here for some advice really and appreciate any input.

my partner and fiancée told me yesterday very out of the blue that she isn’t happy as we’ve lost the spark. There is apparently nothing I’ve done wrong or can do differently..

this is very unexpected as we have a great life, sex life is still active, a wonderful daughter and recently enjoyed a long holiday together as a family. We went on a weekend away with friends just last weekend and nothing was un ordinary, all her actions are the same and she hasn’t been pushing me away so to speak. she just has said she has been unhappy since around august time and feels she has tried everything even though she has never spoken to me about it. I have told her what she means to me and that we should try to re light the spark but she doesn’t know if it can change and seems pretty set on that.

I have spoken to close people around me and they all are in as much shock as I am!

She has gone to stay with her mum for a couple of days to see where her heads at as she said it’s a mess and I am happy to give her space/time. I guess what I am asking is it unreasonable to ask for a chance to try and get the spark back or from a womens point of view is she done from her side? I pray she gives it a shot as I cannot imagine life without her, she is everything I want in a women.

she has openly said I’m a great partner, dad and it is nothing to do with my actions or behaviour which makes it so much harder to take!!

All advice/your side of it is really appreciated.

thanks

@mwr789 no but the fact she's not free to do whatever she wants on the holiday is. I'm trying to get the message through without being crude. She doesn't want to just be with you.

First few years of having a child is the most challenging to every relationship and when a lot of people split. She may have lost who she is as a person and you’ve just not noticed.

I'm over twice your ages. When I was 30/31 I had 2 young children and a DH that worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week. I was pretty much on my own, bogged down with childcare all day, every day.

We moved back to my home town. I met up with old friends. We started going out out to pubs and clubs. It was exciting. I enjoyed getting dressed up and other men admiring me. I came to my senses eventually, but it is very, very common amongst women (I know many), once they've gone through having the family they thought they wanted, to rediscover a single life. I know this is true of men too, but this is from a female perspective of what I and friends have experienced.

I can't say what your DP will do. She may need to get something out of her system and realise it's not what she wants after all and realise she's made a mistake, or she may (like a friend of mine), fully embrace a single life and split with her DH.

I own the property outright. We rented together then when my grandparents passed I was fortunate with savings of my own to be in that position.

I work full time but have flexibility as am a partner in a business, she works a couple of days a week however that’s her spending money. I cover all the housing costs nursery fees etc.

This will be the hardest part as I have my daughter to think about and wouldn’t want her to have to leave the family home so it would have to be me to leave is the only way I see it.

Buying a new house start of next year. It was completely a joint decision as everything has been in our relationship until this point.

I know you want to do the honourable thing, but please don't be in a rush to leave the your home. You may regret it later if things don't work out and feel you've been taken for a ride.

Remember your partner has been the one to leave. Please stay put

You sound like an amazing man providing for your family. Looks like she's become very comfortable. What does she bring to the table in the relationship? What has been required of her in order to receive such stability?

I'm sorry but you're being taken for a mug because she's assuming that by being a provider you must be a mug, because in this day and age that role is not respected and is seen as part of a misogynistic regressive set up.

She's probably spent too much time on here.

Do you do household chores as well as paying all the bills? Have you had rows about that at all of late?

Given your most recent update, I think you should see a solicitor sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t just be willingly handing over the home you were gifted by your grandparents and worked hard for. I wonder what she thinks is going to happen in the financial department if she commits to the split…

This is what makes it so hard. Genuinely nothing has changed other than the fact we’ve had a busy social calendar.

No one close has noticed it, she still has been her normal self and we have still been intimate a couple times a week. In my head if she wasn’t feeling it she wouldn’t of still been sleeping with me unless it was just to please me

@mwr789 - you come across as a very nice bloke. No offence but maybe a little too nice?

To be blunt and slightly crude. Your ex-partner is either:

a) shagging someone else or
b) is splitting in order to shag someone else in the future.

Fair enough, that's her choice but I can't understand why you are so passive about this. She's allowed to move on, but so are you.

You have no control as to how other people behave, you can only control your own actions. Your priority now needs to be to look after yourself and look after your daughter. if your ex comes back, so much the better but if not, you need to sort out:

1. Where you are both going to live?
2. Where your daughter spends her time?
3. What happens to any shared assets (EG: house if you own one).

Don't be passive and let her dictate what happens. She wants to move out - again, that's her choice BUT she doesn't dictate any of the above.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Good luck.

I’ve had a few family losses since being with her and she has helped me more than you could think. She is a great mum, works off her own back as doesn’t like taking money from me.

It was a problem a year or so ago but since that conversation, it’s never been had again. I try my best to leave her little do for.

So yes I help out with chores, just before she told me yesterday me and my daughter had cleaned the house from top to bottom ready for mum to come home and I was cooking a Sunday dinner for us all.

This is the angle I feel I have to take. I’ve said my piece and it’s over to her now, al I can do is future plan.

I think there is some form of guilt there which is why she is upset. She’s putting it on as I’m perfect a great dad etc but probably more to it!

Sudden new found passion can make you act temporarily insane. Time will tell if it's the real thing it not, all l know is that people very rarely leave relationships with no major issues unless there is someone else involved. People who fall in love quickly tend to fall out of it even quicker, it's very early days.
I feel for you as it's very difficult and painful to let go of someone you love, your whole world has been turned inside out. But worst thing you could do now is plead with her, step back , focus on yourself and your wellbeing, make plans, she may think twice once she sees how well you manage alone. Talk as though the relationship is definitely over and your busy making your own plans and she is no longer a priority, hard as it is.
Goodluck.

Wow. Okay.

No one here can know the full extent of this but from what you've put I would say she sees you as a nice guy and finds it boring.

She doesn't appreciate what she has and she thinks you're going to always be around to take her back so if she plays away a bit she'll always have you to fall back on.

I'd be removing that security immediately and agreeing wholeheartedly to the split with no reneging, and start sorting out the logistics of the split with a high emphasis on maintaining a relationship with your child.

I'll reiterate this though. Let her know you won't be discussing the relationship anymore. You need time to heal and all discussions must be around the child and home etc. Simply don't respond to anything that isn't about that.

Make her realise she can't always fall back on you. And if/when she comes back make her work for it or she could do this periodically whenever she gets bored.

Exactly the approach I’ve have to take sadly I think. I’ve just text to say I have cleared my diary tomorrow so can keep our girl all of tomorrow and the night so she can have the time she needs and if she can please pick her up for when I go to work Wednesday morning.

as I’ve said on here, my piece is said and it’s up to her what she does with that situation.

you’ve all been great. I’m overwhelmed with the responses

You would be very unwise to move out of the house you fully own. It will still be your daughters home when she's with you.

If you have work flexibility no reason why you can't do nearly 50/50 with the help of childcare?

So you have your daughter the days your oh works.

How would you feel if you let her stay in the house paying the bills and then she moves the new man in?

Your oh is going to have to move and rent by the sounds of things. She should get help with UC/child benefit. You may well be paying maintenance too.

Do not buy a new house in joint names unless you want her to end up with half. If you do work things out and move at least ring-fence the large deposit group will be putting in - she can't really object as she's given you reason to think this won't be long term.

.

She’s got someone else.

I'm not feeling a spark is code for I'd rather shag someone else or I don't want to sleep with you. Sorry. If she's said you were a rubbish partner, that would be different. That's why I think, awful though it is for you, there probably isn't any hope of getting back together- the 'spark' probably won't return for her, even if you are the best partner in the world and even if you are great about the split. Also, over time, you probably will start to think about whether you would like to be with someone who doesn't feel they have a spark with you, I wouldn't. It sounds horrible, like you are just there to support her life but not be her lover.

Two months isn't very long, and her head may have been turned, but she doesn't seem like she's fighting for this.

I also think you need to be realistic about money- you want your dd to have a nice home, but would you be happy continuing to pay for the house/bills/you moving out, if, say in six months time, your partner moved in another boyfriend? I would suggest that her and your dd don't stay in that home which is your grandmother's but look for a flat somewhere, you could help pay for that, but I would not fall over yourself to cushion her from the reality that she needs to work enough to pay for herself to live, and you can share dd expenses. Currently she is not self-sufficient and seems not to appreciate what you are bringing to the table on that front (or maybe she has a plan for that, who knows)? I would take some legal advice, or mediation perhaps, and although you are not married, find a financial solution that respects what she has contributed over the past 8 years, but gives you back your grandmother's house- I've known people offer a lump sum as a proportion of the increase in house value during those years for example. If you are going to have your dd 50% of the time, then you do not need to pay additionally, except as you like.

Sorting things out financially and making a proper clean break at this point will help you all move forward, your dd is three, and so you don't want a complicated set-up that will be out of date and stressful in another year or two.

I think the end is nigh, I've seen this happen many times and sometimes the women regret it, but in general, after a shaky start, gone on to be happy a few years later; the men too. I think it's better to be realistic than play games and hope she comes back.

*You would be very unwise to move out of the house you fully own. It will still be your daughters home when she's with you.

Do not buy a new house in joint names unless you want her to end up with half*

This and this.

I know everyone has said she’s either cheating or she wants the single life like her friend, but could she be depressed? Or feeling extremely down? Sometimes when people feel their worst they try to run away from the people they love and responsibilities. Also, people are saying to leave her be, personally, I’d love to hear a ‘hey, look, I’m going to give you as much space as you need but I want you to know I love you and want to make this work’. Just so she knows 100% that you want in and she may come back!

I hope everything works out x

You would be very unwise to move out of the house you fully own. It will still be your daughters home when she's with you.

If you have work flexibility no reason why you can't do nearly 50/50 with the help of childcare?

^This.
If you're going to share childcare your daughter will still have her home if you keep your house. I think you'd come to deeply resent giving up the home your grandparents left you in the future. Your fiancée has no rights to the house legally as she hasn't contributed. That said you could think about helping her with the deposit for a rental and other expenses while she looks for full-time work.

FWIW I think it sounds more like she's had her head turned than actually been unfaithful.
I do think you should give relationship counselling a try if she's willing.

Gingerbread for advice if you do separate.

Exactly what I said last night when I said I would pick out daughter up from nursery. I text with everything I said in person about us and loving her but she has the space etc. her response doesn’t really help as she said “I love you and I really mean that!”

I text with everything I said in person about us and loving her but she has the space etc. her response doesn’t really help as she said “I love you and I really mean that!”

That does sound as if it might be depression. But whatever it is it seems like she's holding something back. You have to have a full conversation where she is totally honest. Ask questions and do a lot of listening.

Seriously? There’s been a pandemic, the birth of a child and the need for a bigger house since they got engaged. Money and time doesn’t come freely and I’m sure at the time they got engaged they didn’t foresee what was going to happen in the following few years, therefore had every intention to get married as soon as possible.

if a woman throws a fit throughout those events or during the aftermath because a wedding needs to be postponed then she really is something.

She says that she’s been feeling unhappy since August, yet she’s been sleeping with you and hasn’t mentioned anything to you. You have explained yourself very clearly here and you certainly come across as being a very decent man, wanting her and your child to have the family home.
Texting you ‘ I love you and I really mean that ‘ is rubbish. You don’t decide to leave someone you love, without having the decency to talk to them first without even giving them the chance to fix things.
I think you will find there is someone else, sorry to sound pessimistic, but I think the chances are high. By telling you she loves you she is hedging her bets in case it doesn’t pan out like she hoped, she doesn’t want to burn her bridges.
I hope you get to the real truth very soon, being totally blindsided is incredibly painful and you deserve much better.