Fiancée leaving after 8 years

[mwr789]

Hi all,

writing here for some advice really and appreciate any input.

my partner and fiancée told me yesterday very out of the blue that she isn’t happy as we’ve lost the spark. There is apparently nothing I’ve done wrong or can do differently..

this is very unexpected as we have a great life, sex life is still active, a wonderful daughter and recently enjoyed a long holiday together as a family. We went on a weekend away with friends just last weekend and nothing was un ordinary, all her actions are the same and she hasn’t been pushing me away so to speak. she just has said she has been unhappy since around august time and feels she has tried everything even though she has never spoken to me about it. I have told her what she means to me and that we should try to re light the spark but she doesn’t know if it can change and seems pretty set on that.

I have spoken to close people around me and they all are in as much shock as I am!

She has gone to stay with her mum for a couple of days to see where her heads at as she said it’s a mess and I am happy to give her space/time. I guess what I am asking is it unreasonable to ask for a chance to try and get the spark back or from a womens point of view is she done from her side? I pray she gives it a shot as I cannot imagine life without her, she is everything I want in a women.

she has openly said I’m a great partner, dad and it is nothing to do with my actions or behaviour which makes it so much harder to take!!

All advice/your side of it is really appreciated.

thanks

I'd be looking her straight in the eye and asking her if she's met someone else.

Telling her that honesty is the most important thing when it comes to moving forward with a co-parenting relationship.

That you're owed honesty as a partner of 8 yrs/fiancee who's looking at a broken engagement and your child's family being broken up in its current form.

If she insists there's no-one else then I guess she's either telling the truth and she "just doesn't feel the right way" (though I seriously doubt it's only been for 8 wks) or she's prepared to lie.

Bear in mind that many many people don't want to look like the bad guy to their family, your family etc and will lie and cover up; then introduce the new partner as "post break up" a while later (while they'll actually have been on the scene in some capacity pre break up and are a main factor).

I think she means freedom to be single and/or meet another partner.

When men say they need space to clear their head they always have an OW lined up.
Doubt if women are any different.

Shes either seeing the single life again through her friend and wants it again for herself or she has met someone else.

She might not have met someone else yet but if she is back out on 'the scene' with her friend she probably will.
Give her the space to do it is not the best thing but what else can you do? While she is at her mother's will she be out having fun?
It looks as if her friend is influencing her decisions.

This is what is frustrating from my side. As we both let each other have complete freedom on doing things I play golf / go to football and she goes out with her friends / shopping etc. so we’ve never had a “you can’t do this or your always out” problem. we’ve not once got in each other’s way

She can't go and snog a random bloke or book a last minute girls holiday to Ibiza though, can she

If you have done nothing wrong and you are a great partner then she’s probably sleeping with someone else or wants to.

You don’t throw a 8 year relationship away if it’s only been ‘off’ for a couple of months.

I am sorry op. You sound lovely but I think you need to be prepared. I think she is letting you down ‘gently’ and not being totally honest. There may be another man, there may not be, and if there is nothing may have actually happened, it’s maybe just highlighted to her that your relationship is not what she wants any more. You were pretty young really when you got together and what she wanted in life then, may just not be what she wants now. I think you need a serious talk - she needs to be honest and fair with you, you deserve that and so does your daughter.

How old is your child?

I wonder if she's thought the grass is greener and she can find someone better, someone with that spark, someone exciting? Well, the father of your children who is apparently a great person is not something you give up lightly, yet people do.

So the child can now be ferried back and forth and confused so you can go and find a “spark” great. What a way to honour the commitment of becoming a parent.

Perhaps she will come running back once she realises that finding someone so committed is not so easy and few men want to adopt a woman and child with an ex still on the scene. I'd want to keep the family together ultimately so I'd sit her down and tell her I respect the decision. I'd then ask her to provide a child contact proposal that suits the children’s needs and say I'd be looking at that with my solicitor. Also ask how much maintenance she would like. I would sit her down and let her know she's broken my heart and disappointed me by breaking up the family, and this means I want to move on, be a hands on parent but have nothing to do with her outside of our children’s wellbeing from now on, and ask that she give me the same respect as I've given her in her decision. I'd then leave and state when you want the proposal and request by otherwise you'll be taking her to court.

Then I'd not respond to any contact from her about our relationship for at least a week.

I bet you she realises her mistake and begs to come back. I'd take her back too after a lot of grovelling because she needs to realise that a family and stability for a child is more important than a vaginal spark.

Coming up to her third birthday next month

Amazing how in this long winded response, you havent even mentioned that there could possible be someone else. If it was a woman posting that would be the very first answer.

This is what I think has happened, not that she’s done anything just yet.

I agree with some of the other posters, she's met someone else. If she really is saying she's only lost the spark for a few months and you haven't done anything wrong or noticed any changes, and you are both still quite young, I reckon she's at the very least got her eye on someone.
However, if I'd been with someone for 8 years, had a baby with them, got engaged ( right at the end of the pregnancy) I would be feeling that the man in question is quite reluctant to commit. I would not be feeling hugely appreciated. You say that you both agreed to postpone getting married, but did she? Did she feel that your heart wasn't in it so she wasn't going to force it?
You didn't feel the need to marry her, but treat her and expect her to behave as if she is married. I would be having none of it, old-fashioned as I am. If someone has shown her some interest, I'm not surprised if her head has been turned. You're saying now how much she means to you, but how have you showed that up to now?

Why on earth should he ask her how much maintenance she would like?

Would you offer the same advice to a woman who's partner had just walked out on her?

I am really sorry if this upsets anyone but after 8 years and a child she is a fiancée (meaning marriage is important for her of you) but 8 years! Don't get me wrong I know couples who are together for longer but both chose not to get married for various reasons, and also those "engaged never to be married" for years and years. There may be factors to her decision you have not thought about and yes there might be reasons which are to do with your marital or non marital status. Only saying this as have witnessed a couple of people (women) calling it a day after a long engagement bit no marriage as they thought they were simply not loved enough. And despite if those who say it's only a piece of paper , it is still very important for some people and a sign of love and commitment not just legal protection.
I once (in my late teens) asked a friend of the family why after 3 children they still were not getting married as the lady clearly wanted to, the man's reply was "too much commitment".
maybe, op, your commitment was not enough or too late but she doesn't see the point of discussing it. Obv just speculation as no one here knows enough about your relationship to make a more educated guess.

in any case I hope it all works out for you .

Sadly all I can think is that this is all I can do. Just plan to move forward and prepare. Fingers crossed with a few days apart she sees the light but I think there is such a slim chance based on how it’s all unfolded so quickly. I did ask her straight up and got a straight no back, but that doesn’t mean she has spoken to someone on a night out etc and that has made her realise. I think she’s going with her gut and trusting it, as me being the one going through it i naturally can’t understand why not talk first but I’m going to say that!

We genuinely both agreed to it. As I mentioned, in the past we have always talked through feelings etc which is why I thought we were so strong. If she had made me aware she wanted to swap the priorities and marry first I wouldn’t of questioned it! We both believed it was more important to get a larger family home and that was that.

it’s a great point you make and maybe it does have some cause. I will certainly bring this up if she mentions it if I get the chance to talk

The girls holiday would be no issue!

I am in two minds here OP. Either she actually does want you to fight to save the relationship and would be glad if you showed some sign of intending to do so, or as others have suggested there is possibly someone else or the idea of someone else.

If she is may be a bit bored or thinks you are not really committed, she may be dissatisfied with the relationship, so you could perhaps then get some spark back and win her over with a better future as she sees it. You would need to be quite dynamic to do this, which could be what she wants.
If you are just passive when she comes back, this won't happen. It will be the same old, same old to her, and probably she will decide to end it, whether there is someone else in the picture or not. You have nothing to lose by trying a bit harder.

And this is entirely my point. Given how quick it's happened she seems to believe she can merry around and play with your feelings and flutter off for whoever? Why does she feel so secure to do that? Probably because she knows or believes you will be right there waiting for her in case it all goes to pot, which it will.

So unless you want her to bounce back and forth with your family over the coming years I think she needs a shock.

So tell her you're fine with it, heartbroken, but you are going to start moving on right away and so need minimal contact with her. Be very accommodating so she realises what she is giving up then let her stew until she begs and apologies to you very profoundly in order to that you take her back with the understanding that none of this is ever to occur again.

In short, she's taking you for granted.

If a woman was posting this they round have been advised on the financials too.

What's your living situation? Do you own or rent. If owners think about how the house will be sold so you can move forward buying a new place for you and your child. Or can you buy her share out or can she buy your share out?

If rental - decide who is staying and ask for tenancy to be moved into their name.

Do you both work full time?

How will you practically be able to split childcare arrangements. Do you want 50/50? How can you make that work.

If not doing 50/50 then work out the recommended amount of maintenance via child support website.

She needs to know she can't live the same lifestyle after blowing your relationship up in the long run.

I'm also wondering if she's had enough after 8 years and no marriage?

You have a 3 year old and no wedding date still.

Was it your initial suggestion to wait for a bigger house?

When will you be buying the bigger house?

she has openly said I’m a great partner, dad and it is nothing to do with my actions or behaviour

In other words, its about what she's doing; and its so serious and she'd break up your childs family for good.

She's got someone else. Just hasn't told you yet.