Page 4 | Fiancée leaving after 8 years

mwr789 · 2022-10-17T07:39:31+00:00

Hi all, writing here for some advice really and appreciate any input. my partner and fiancée told me yesterday very out of the blue that she isn’t happy as we’ve lost the spark. There is apparently nothing I’ve done wrong or can do differently.. this is very unexpected as we have a great life, sex life is still active, a wonderful daughter and recently enjoyed a long holiday together as a family. We went on a weekend away with friends just last weekend and nothing was un ordinary, all her actions are the same and she hasn’t been pushing me away so to speak. she just has said she has been unhappy since around august time and feels she has tried everything even though she has never spoken to me about it. I have told her what she means to me and that we should try to re light the spark but she doesn’t know if it can change and seems pretty set on that. I have spoken to close people around me and they all are in as much shock as I am! She has gone to stay with her mum for a couple of days to see where her heads at as she said it’s a mess and I am happy to give her space/time. I guess what I am asking is it unreasonable to ask for a chance to try and get the spark back or from a womens point of view is she done from her side? I pray she gives it a shot as I cannot imagine life without her, she is everything I want in a women. she has openly said I’m a great partner, dad and it is nothing to do with my actions or behaviour which makes it so much harder to take!! All advice/your side of it is really appreciated. thanks

TheCatterall · 17/10/2022 16:49

Massive squishes @mwr789 it’s horrible being in the ‘unsure’ stage waiting for someone else to decide your future.

I’d start looking at what life would look like apart and the financial realities of it all with access to your daughter.

Who knows what’s really going though her head or for how long.

good luck.

RedAppleGirl · 17/10/2022 17:09

Butterbean9 · 17/10/2022 10:22

Your relationship has been falling apart for at least 2 months and you didn't notice?
That might be part of the problem.

I wouldn't jump to their being someone else, that's usually the case for men, not women. You don't think very much of her if you think she wants to be single because she sees how much fun her friend is having.

If she wants to end the relationship let her. Accept that she doesn't want you any more and focus on how you can co-parent successfully.

Typical snidey Mumsnet response.

I believe she's following her friend's lead. This phenomenon is not uncommon.
Just let her go and, you support yourself. Do not chase under any circumstances.

NoDatingForOldMen · 17/10/2022 18:53

LemonDrop22 · 17/10/2022 13:54

*You would be very unwise to move out of the house you fully own. It will still be your daughters home when she's with you.

Do not buy a new house in joint names unless you want her to end up with half*

This and this.

Absolutely this ^^, she has either found someone new or her single friends are telling her she can do better than you

do not chase her as she will soon be creeping back when the grass is not greener after all

Original poster

mwr789 · 17/10/2022 20:39

NoDatingForOldMen · 17/10/2022 18:53

Absolutely this ^^, she has either found someone new or her single friends are telling her she can do better than you

do not chase her as she will soon be creeping back when the grass is not greener after all

Show quote history

I know and I struggle to believe the latter. I know her friends think highly of me from troubles in there relationships including her newly single friend.

I think the day has helped, I’ve had my daughter all evening and I am now preparing for the inevitable. It is out of my hands. All I’ve asked for which has been agreed is a decent adult conversation as our relationship has worked on in the past before anything is decided.

OP posts:

Beancounter1 · 17/10/2022 21:30

Give it two weeks, during which time you DON'T talk to her about the relationship. Just make practical arrangements day to day for sharing your daughter. Take some annual leave.

After two weeks, ask her if she wants to come home or split up. Don't let this drag on with her saying crap like 'I don't know', 'I need more time' - she needs to make up her mind.

Then if she comes home, go for relationship counselling ASAP.
A word of warning - if you do get married or buy a house together, protect your assets legally so she can't just take half of everything if she leaves in a few years. See a solicitor before you buy or marry.
If the marriage does turn out to be solid in decades to come, you can always re-do the legal side to have equal shares or whatever is appropriate.

If she doesn't come home, see a solicitor ASAP to check if she is likely to have any claim on your house - you may need to pay her off but hopefully not as you are not married. Stay in your home.
Get 50/50 parental rights, so neither of you pays the other maintenance but you have to have your daughter 50% of the time - get proper childcare arrangements in place ASAP for the days you are working and have daughter.

You may want to give her the deposit on a flat so she can move out quickly.

Keep a cool head until all this has settled and arrangements are finalised, then later get yourself some counselling to cope with the grief and shock.

Nowheretoogo · 17/10/2022 21:37

You can have too much freedom in a relationship though!..take it from me.

Musti · 17/10/2022 21:49

That's really bad of her op. To have not discussed any issues or tried to fix any problems with you since you’ve been together so long and you have a child and you’re a great partner and dad isn’t on. Even if she has a crush on someone, it is worth trying to fix the relationship she has with you.

I wouldn’t chase her, but also be realistic in what support you’re going to give. Split it in the middle. She’ll have to work full time to find her life etc. let her see how rosy life will be without a great partner.

Original poster

mwr789 · 17/10/2022 22:10

Beancounter1 · 17/10/2022 21:30

Give it two weeks, during which time you DON'T talk to her about the relationship. Just make practical arrangements day to day for sharing your daughter. Take some annual leave.

After two weeks, ask her if she wants to come home or split up. Don't let this drag on with her saying crap like 'I don't know', 'I need more time' - she needs to make up her mind.

Then if she comes home, go for relationship counselling ASAP.
A word of warning - if you do get married or buy a house together, protect your assets legally so she can't just take half of everything if she leaves in a few years. See a solicitor before you buy or marry.
If the marriage does turn out to be solid in decades to come, you can always re-do the legal side to have equal shares or whatever is appropriate.

If she doesn't come home, see a solicitor ASAP to check if she is likely to have any claim on your house - you may need to pay her off but hopefully not as you are not married. Stay in your home.
Get 50/50 parental rights, so neither of you pays the other maintenance but you have to have your daughter 50% of the time - get proper childcare arrangements in place ASAP for the days you are working and have daughter.

You may want to give her the deposit on a flat so she can move out quickly.

Keep a cool head until all this has settled and arrangements are finalised, then later get yourself some counselling to cope with the grief and shock.

Thank you for your advice, seems solid!

OP posts:

Cherry35 · 18/10/2022 02:42

I think that she saw "the grass greener" with her newly single friend.

Did I see in another post that you got together very young? If so, technically she hasn't lived the single crazy life experiences and she might be eager to try it. I've seen it with both male and females.

My cousin married and had twins on their early twenties, she left him to enjoy her single life, kids stayed with him. Years later though she came back to reclaim the kids.

I think that if it's a genuine spark, she'd try to work it out and ask you to go couples' therapy; moreover after all these years together. But she didn't.

Is she usually the one taking decisions in your marriage? Or is it you ir genuinely both?

SpidersAreShitheads · 18/10/2022 06:26

OP, you've had some really solid advice on here. I'm sorry to say my initial thoughts were also cherchez l'homme..... If she's not found any fault with you, her head has been turned in some way.

You sound lovely but please, please don't move out of the home that you bought with the money from your grandparents.

When the dust has all settled, and you've moved out to live somewhere poky, and your ex still has your lovely home - how will you feel when you find out there's another man that she's playing happy families with? Will you still feel that you've done the right thing or will you feel as if you've been played? You'll effectively be gifting her a property for her to have fun with a new bloke.... Sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful, but I think you'll really regret being so generous when a bit of time has passed.

Go for 50/50 with your DD - your ex can find herself somewhere else to live. It's grossly unfair that she should have a claim on a property which was bought with your inheritance. There was a thread on here the other day about a woman who wanted to claim a portion of a property bought with her ex-h's inheritance, and she got her arse handed to her and told that it wasn't on. The same applies here.

A cool head and a detached air will give you dignity and as time passes, you'll be proud of how you handled it, regardless of what the outcome is. She may well realise she's been a bit silly but keeping your distance and detaching yourself while remaining civil will give you the best chance of appearing desirable!

I hope you're doing OK.

Hallmark1234 · 18/10/2022 07:29

@SpidersAreShitheads I think your post is spot on!

Sorry I'm back again, but another thing I wanted to add is, it is possible for you to be too 'nice' and maybe your DP is having conflicting emotions around that and whatever else is going on with her atm.

Talon01 · 18/10/2022 07:51

Seems a good chance someone else is involved. Be cautious and get things sorted and start to think practically about child arrangements and what a separation looks like as trust me she already has and women are very sneaky in this regard.

Original poster

mwr789 · 18/10/2022 07:54

Cherry35 · 18/10/2022 02:42

I think that she saw "the grass greener" with her newly single friend.

Did I see in another post that you got together very young? If so, technically she hasn't lived the single crazy life experiences and she might be eager to try it. I've seen it with both male and females.

My cousin married and had twins on their early twenties, she left him to enjoy her single life, kids stayed with him. Years later though she came back to reclaim the kids.

I think that if it's a genuine spark, she'd try to work it out and ask you to go couples' therapy; moreover after all these years together. But she didn't.

Is she usually the one taking decisions in your marriage? Or is it you ir genuinely both?

We did get together young but we did both have 4/5 years and enjoyed the single life for some time.

it is both of us that make the decisions genuinely. That’s one thing that been great with us is we are always both accommodating for the other whatever it may be!

OP posts:

Original poster

mwr789 · 18/10/2022 07:56

SpidersAreShitheads · 18/10/2022 06:26

OP, you've had some really solid advice on here. I'm sorry to say my initial thoughts were also cherchez l'homme..... If she's not found any fault with you, her head has been turned in some way.

You sound lovely but please, please don't move out of the home that you bought with the money from your grandparents.

When the dust has all settled, and you've moved out to live somewhere poky, and your ex still has your lovely home - how will you feel when you find out there's another man that she's playing happy families with? Will you still feel that you've done the right thing or will you feel as if you've been played? You'll effectively be gifting her a property for her to have fun with a new bloke.... Sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful, but I think you'll really regret being so generous when a bit of time has passed.

Go for 50/50 with your DD - your ex can find herself somewhere else to live. It's grossly unfair that she should have a claim on a property which was bought with your inheritance. There was a thread on here the other day about a woman who wanted to claim a portion of a property bought with her ex-h's inheritance, and she got her arse handed to her and told that it wasn't on. The same applies here.

A cool head and a detached air will give you dignity and as time passes, you'll be proud of how you handled it, regardless of what the outcome is. She may well realise she's been a bit silly but keeping your distance and detaching yourself while remaining civil will give you the best chance of appearing desirable!

I hope you're doing OK.

I agree, I have made plans ready for if we talk and there is nothing she thinks can be solved. I’ve made a suggestion on a way 50/50 can work for both and that is fair.

So fingers crossed that route wouldn’t have any issues if it did come to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

mwr789 · 24/10/2022 08:12

Just an update to let you all know in case you were wondering, we are over there was someone else! Unfortunately I went to bed Saturday night with the agreed plan of talking through with her Sunday.

I noticed her Apple Watch buzzing and sadly came across to notice she was with someone else and saw a selfie of her in his bed to her friend on Sunday morning.

She came over planning not to tell me and when I asked how he was it all came out. She regrets it blah blah but she should of spoken as the way she’s handled this is well below par!

It’s all over now, no raised voices and 50/50 care has been agreed so I don’t think we will have issues on the childcare side which is all I could ask. her parents have let me know I’m still welcome and are in shock which is nice.

onwards and upwards now, any advice on dealing / coming to terms with it would be appreciated!

OP posts:

XmasElf10 · 24/10/2022 08:29

Don’t give her your house!

TeeBee · 24/10/2022 08:40

Yeah, mothers of 3-year old children with no great income of their own don't leave unless something major has happened, and that clearly wasn't coming from your side. So sorry this has happened to you, you sound like a decent guy.

All you can do now is utterly protect yourself. Get an STD test and lock down your house and finances. She has to finance herself now.

surreygirl1987 · 24/10/2022 09:24

I am SO sorry. You sound lovely and you don't deserve this. Protect your finances.

bluebell34567 · 24/10/2022 09:54

sending selfie from the man's bed?
thats quite shameless and having no morals.
she is quite flaky, how havent you noticed in 8 years?
also, is she staying at your home, how come you saw her watch? (sorry havent read the full thread)
sorry for your situation, protect yourself financially, etc. wish you well.

mafsfan · 24/10/2022 09:54

Just read your thread. So sorry she's done this to you.

I agree with getting your finances and childcare sorted. I'd get her moved out of your house ASAP - obviously you want her somewhere safe for your daughter but you don't owe her anything. The previous suggestion of giving her the deposit for a rental place seems a generous idea but it must be somewhere she then finances herself.

Stick to 50-50 childcare. Get the detail nailed down and get it in writing. Always do your bit, don't give her a chance to say you've missed a day or ask to swap. Be proactive letting nursery know the exact details of who will be picking up and dropping off on each day she goes.

Get an STD test.

I'm sorry people are such hurtful shits.

Original poster

mwr789 · 24/10/2022 09:58

This is exactly it. She came home yesterday expecting a chat and her bags were packed ready and she couldn’t get away from it. Key is back and all amicable with savings etc. I signed the car she uses over to her and let the nursery know. All went better than expected on that side to be fair and I don’t foresee any issues moving forward with money / childcare etc.

For those asking she must of left her watch when she stayed over Wednesday. I stopped at my sisters as had football and wanted my daughter to stay at home until we knew 100% where the relationship was going. It was only when it lit up the bedroom Saturday night I realised it was there!

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Original poster

mwr789 · 24/10/2022 10:01

She sent the selfie to her friend which I saw.

honestly, I think her head has been turned and that’s the long and short of it. All of this is out of character, no one close even knew.

the friends were definitely egging it on, her one single friend of 8 years set up for her to meet the bloke on Tuesday night by saying come to mine and post a picture then go and meet him basically!!

She wishes she spoke sooner and said she will always regret and wonder what it could of been. imo she is just guilty of being caught!

OP posts:

butterfliedtwo · 24/10/2022 10:10

Billylilly · 17/10/2022 13:17

Given your most recent update, I think you should see a solicitor sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t just be willingly handing over the home you were gifted by your grandparents and worked hard for. I wonder what she thinks is going to happen in the financial department if she commits to the split…

This. You'd be crazy to just leave the house. Read some of the threads on here with advice to women in similar positions to you. She will probably have prepared.

Be decent but don't be a mug.

butterfliedtwo · 24/10/2022 10:15

I'm sorry she's a cheating so and so. Just saw your update. Get tested for safety and peace of mind.

TicTac80 · 24/10/2022 10:18

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You sound like a thoroughly lovely and decent guy (and there are few of them about!). Definitely do what the other suggested: get an STI check and make sure finances etc are sorted so that you're protected. Wishing you all the best of luck