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Original poster

Can I ask something from people who has had multiple partners?

127 replies

CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/10/2022 18:54

If you have been with quite a few people (just to be clear this isin’t about ”shaming” anyone about ”numbers! this is not about that at all) does that make people less important to you?
Like you have had this person and that person, this person was like this and that person was like that .
Does it just becomes kind of a blur of people?
As in ”okey I’m not with this person, whatever, been there done that”.

I know I’m not coming off very clear.
It’s just that I’m late to dating, I actually had a thread about a guy some weeks ago and people encouraged me to go on a date with him and we’ve now been on a few date, nothing serious, but I know he’s been with quite a lot of women (fair enough) and I’m just worried that I’ll just be a number.

Do people / (possible) relationships become meaningless to those who have a pretty long list of exes or other kinds of ”partners”?

OP posts:
Original poster
CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/10/2022 18:57

I forgot to say, that the reason I asked about the guy was because I lack experience myself and I was pretty disbelieved that he asked me out.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 16/10/2022 18:57

Erm, no? At least not for me, no one is ever "meaningless" and just because I've had sex (I assume this is what you mean, not just dating?) with a lot of people doesn't mean I'm not valuing relationships.

Even with a one night stand, I still value that person as a person and appreciate what I got out of it.

Stickmansmum · 16/10/2022 18:58

I’ve not had many but the two guys before my DH are like a distant memory. Don’t remember really what exactly they were like.

it’s probably like dinners, you don’t really remember beyond ‘it was good’ or ‘could have been Better’. And while you’re eating your current dinner, you’re not actively comparing it to a dinner you had 5 yrs ago.

and no, I doubt relationships become meaningless just because you’ve had loads. In some cases more is arguably better!

Medoca · 16/10/2022 18:59

It’s more about the experience than a ‘number’. You can surely remember different people and experiences more that all the experiences with the same person. If that makes sense?

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 16/10/2022 18:59

I don't give any exes a second thought. I certainly don't remember with any clarity or interest what any of them were like in the sack.

I don't know if that helps or not. When you find your "one" the previous don't really figure.

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 19:00

I've Benn married for 25y , so a long time ago that I was dating others.

Yes, they are mostly all a blur. I can remember my first love plus two other significant relationships. All the others (probably 8-10, I can't remember) I can barely remember, I don't remember any names.

Medoca · 16/10/2022 19:00

i can remember certain dates/experiences I had with my husband years ago, than I can the sex with him from a few months ago. I don’t think you’ll be just a number if that’s what you’re worried about.

Oopsiedaisyy · 16/10/2022 19:03

Ive slept with a reasonable number of people i suppose. I did try and make a list but have forgotten a few names lol.
No, it doesn't make me care less about people, I'm falling for the guy I'm currently dating, who is unlike all the rest.

Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 19:04

I've dated quite a few chaps , some more memorable than others. I don't think any of them were just a number.

NancyDrooo · 16/10/2022 19:06

No, it definitely didn’t make my exes less important to me even though I don’t want to be with them. Some I was with during amazing times in my life. One or two I can see now were never going to be more than a brief fling. Some I should’ve broken up with a bit sooner. Most were exactly right for that time of my life. One I still adore as a friend and my husband likes him too. I’m in touch with over half of them.

None of these were one night stands though, relationships range from about a few weeks to four years. Knew when I met my husband he was the right one, but that doesn’t detract from my (or his) history and our exes definitely aren’t just numbers.

Hillrunning · 16/10/2022 19:08

There is a difference between not having a clear memory of something from the past and not valuing that person and experience in the moment you had sex with them.

Bigbadfish · 16/10/2022 19:12

To me some were just a Penis. I can't remember some of their names.
And yes some of my exs meant nothing to me, if the spark isn't there then nothing can force it so I just shake myself off and moved on.

Then I found DH. And even though we were purely just supposed to have sex we really clicked. 3 kids and 10 years later they couldn't compare to him in anyway.

IAmAReader · 16/10/2022 19:13

I think for men who have had a lot of sexual partners, if that’s what you mean, the truth is another yeah woman can become like just another number. I knew a guy who had been with 250 girls and I decided not to join his sordid list - yes he actually had a list! He definitely had that attitude of women were disposable. But that’s quite an extreme example so it probably depends what level this guy is at.

Original poster
CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/10/2022 19:18

No, I didn’t mean just sex.
Also partners.

And I didn’t really mean do the people fade into the past, more like do current or possible future people really mean anything after having people come and gone.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/10/2022 19:19

No.

Bigbadfish · 16/10/2022 19:26

Yea I guess. Sometimes you try to be in a relationship be that sexual or otherwise and you just don't feel anything for them.

Alopeciabop · 16/10/2022 19:35

Oh dear lovely please don’t over think. You’re going to drive yourself into a hole of despair just because you’ve not dated anyone before.

You have friends right? Does one friend not mean anything just because you have had other friends in the past? No! Just like with friends, some people come in your life and go straight out again. Others make an impact but don’t stick around. Some stay for the long haul in one way or another. Some end up your life partner.

You don’t need to lose any sleep over this. Please PLEASE just enjoy the ride. Be safe. Be true to yourself. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. This is the beauty of having come to the dating game late - you have strength and maturity younger girls might not. Other than that, just have fun.

And even if you turn out to be just a number for him, it’s irrelevant. Ironically, he might be the first person you’ve dated but in five years time, he might just be an unimportant faded face in the background of your life.

VeganFromSveden · 16/10/2022 19:41

I didn’t meet my absolute true love til I was mid forties.
and I wasn’t either promiscuous or celibate in the past.
if anything, my past (good or bad at the time) served to make me realise that my darling really is “the one” for me… the one that I can truly be myself with, the one that I want to stay with forever.
if my past was to jade my future, then I’d never have been open to feeling as I did when I met him.
Although I always “kept the faith” that surely “it” would happen, I must admit that I didn’t imagine it would come about at the age I was when it did!
like the song goes 🎶“love isn’t always on time” 🎶
maybe my only regret is that I wish I had learned to value my own feelings at a much earlier age than I finally did. If you don’t value yourself, then there’s less chance of anyone else valuing you.
Good luck 🤞 I hope you find your happy future.

Dery · 16/10/2022 19:45

“You have friends right? Does one friend not mean anything just because you have had other friends in the past? No! Just like with friends, some people come in your life and go straight out again. Others make an impact but don’t stick around. Some stay for the long haul in one way or another. Some end up your life partner.”

This.

mindutopia · 16/10/2022 20:19

Definitely not. If anything it’s made me more discerning and picky (and also very grateful that I ended up with someone so wonderful).

But that’s very different to dating just to shag around (never did that). I guess it’s also about whether you’re talking 20 or 200, because those may indicate very different things as well.

Ballcactus · 16/10/2022 20:23

All I can remember is how shit in bed they were

Tsort · 16/10/2022 20:32

CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/10/2022 19:18

No, I didn’t mean just sex.
Also partners.

And I didn’t really mean do the people fade into the past, more like do current or possible future people really mean anything after having people come and gone.

Why would having dated people in the past mean that the person one is currently dating wouldn’t really mean anything? Please explain this thought process to me, as it sounds extremely toxic.

OldFan · 16/10/2022 22:02

Absolutely not.

I mean, random blokes in the adult cinema 1-30, or randoms I got off with are just part of the scenery.

But I've had quite a few men I truly loved or adored, and they are very distinct individual memories.

Original poster
CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/10/2022 22:03

What I meant by it was that if people have come and gone, you were attracted to them - maybe felm in live - things didn’t work out, heartbreak and dissapointments, becoming numb, rinse & repeat.
So if it just becomes this play that you go through and try & fit now this kind of person in this space where person should be.

So do people mean anything anymore, particularly new candidates?
I mean how many times can one person actually fall for another person?

OP posts:
Tsort · 16/10/2022 22:10

CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/10/2022 22:03

What I meant by it was that if people have come and gone, you were attracted to them - maybe felm in live - things didn’t work out, heartbreak and dissapointments, becoming numb, rinse & repeat.
So if it just becomes this play that you go through and try & fit now this kind of person in this space where person should be.

So do people mean anything anymore, particularly new candidates?
I mean how many times can one person actually fall for another person?

So if it just becomes this play that you go through and try & fit now this kind of person in this space where person should be.

Why would that be the case?

So do people mean anything anymore, particularly new candidates?

Again, why would having slept with or dated people in the past mean that current partners didn’t mean anything?

I mean how many times can one person actually fall for another person?

How long is a piece of string? Human beings are pretty robust creatures, I think you’ll find.

The average person will date and sleep with multiple people in their life. Then, at some point, lots of us meet ‘the one’ and settle down. Sometimes that doesn’t work out, so we date s bit more and perhaps settle down with someone else. This is normal, healthy, standard living.

According to your premise, everyone who didn’t immediately settle down with their very first partner (so the overwhelming majority of human beings) is currently in a meaningless relationship with someone that doesn’t mean anything. Surely, you realise that is disordered thinking?