Can I ask something from people who has had multiple partners?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

If you have been with quite a few people (just to be clear this isin’t about ”shaming” anyone about ”numbers! this is not about that at all) does that make people less important to you?
Like you have had this person and that person, this person was like this and that person was like that .
Does it just becomes kind of a blur of people?
As in ”okey I’m not with this person, whatever, been there done that”.

I know I’m not coming off very clear.
It’s just that I’m late to dating, I actually had a thread about a guy some weeks ago and people encouraged me to go on a date with him and we’ve now been on a few date, nothing serious, but I know he’s been with quite a lot of women (fair enough) and I’m just worried that I’ll just be a number.

Do people / (possible) relationships become meaningless to those who have a pretty long list of exes or other kinds of ”partners”?

When I’m looking for a partner - to share and build a life with.
And how many people can you really care to try and do that with.

Be careful not to close your mind against people. You can be open to the idea of as many people as cross your path before you settle to ‘the one’. People can be ethical and sensitive and put energy into a new relationship and then as time goes in, think ‘this isn’t for me, forever’.

But you have to try, be open, and get quite far into a relationship before you know that. At least a year before you can really know the person is ‘forever’. IMO.

Don’t invent barriers.

Do remain observant of red flags.

If the passion and the "spark" is there at the time, then no it is not meaningless, it is perfect for the situation. It does not have to be a precisely held memory for ever.

Na referring to another comment up thread, any partner that judges you for the number you have had previously is not worth a second glance.

any partner that judges you for the number you have had previously is not worth a second glance.

Even of the number is 0?

People are responding about sex because of how your OP was written. If you wanted responses about caring about and loving partners, you should have asked that in the first place. You did not.

Multiple people have explained that your perspective on this is incorrect and deeply problematic. You seem unwilling to engage with or take in these responses, so what are you hoping to gain from this thread?

I had a male friend who was quite the player. Had loads and loads of women over the years and when he decided he wanted to settle down - he struggled. His own admission was that he held his future life long partner to such high standards because he’s been with so many different women who were all different in their own ways, and now the woman who he settles with would have to be quite perfect. When he started dating to find his future wife, it would end after 6 months because ‘she was too tall’ or ‘her hips weren’t wide enough to her waist’ or ‘she likes hollyoaks’ or ‘her family aren’t what I want her family to be like’ so he’ll end up cheating and then let her end it herself. It was awful.

I lost touch with him but heard he’s married now. I hope he came to his senses before he got old as although he was a lovely bloke, he was a terrible partner to all those women!

Jesus Christ.

A well adjusted, decent man doesn't see women as used or spoilt goods if they've slept with other people.

Cunts do.

Yes , even if the number is 0 . People have relationships that start out great and then end for all sorts of reasons. Some people haven't had any, again for all different reasons. I have had quite a few partners over the years, if I told you the number, you might assume I'm a player , when I am definitely not. Every relationship I've had whether it's been long or short has meant something to me .
I think you're looking too deeply into this.

A lot of people get the ‘meaningless’ sex out of the way whilst young and having no idea what they like or who they are, people also can do this after a LTR ends and they are rediscovering themselves.

Sex always means something - sometimes just that it’s about having sex and enjoying that. A lot of people sometimes just want sex and no hassle with love so they will try find a partner for that purpose. There are a small number of men who spend a lot of time convincing a woman of love just to have sex with them but this number is tiny compared to the men who actually do want to find something meaningful and hopefully long term. It’s just you can’t guarantee it. You might have sex 10 times and then realise you aren’t in love with them or you might fall in love before sex.

The people who came before your current partner meant something, but that was in a different context. You can’t compare an ended relationship to a new one. Most humans do just want companionship.

I can’t compare easily the love I had for my exes to my current DP now because I don’t love my exes anymore and my DP does appear to be better than they were. This is in part down to me choosing a better partner. DP says the same, loving me feels different to loving his ex because those feelings for her are marred by the breakup

@CantAskAnyoneElse Do people / (possible) relationships become meaningless to those who have a pretty long list of exes or other kinds of ”partners”?

Be very VERY wary of a man with a pretty long list of exes because you will sooner than later be part of that list. Yes, someone with a very long list is quite a red flag, they treat relationships like fast food and I believe you’re already sensing this man is “not quite present” and making you feel insecure.

I've had so many one night stands when I was younger and I hoped each and every one would lead to the love of my life

When I was 20 I met my husband. He had been engaged before me and has only had sex with me and his ex. They were together from 14 years old and he is a bit older then me. He was almost 27 when we met.

When I met him and fell in love with him I hated myself even more for all the meaningless sex I have had. He is non judgemental but it's something I find extremely difficult to talk about, it was a dark time in my life. I'm saying I've had sex with more then 60 people I think and I cannot name them all, cannot remember many of my encounters. None of them were special, only my husband.

I need to get closure on this now at thirty years old and I am going to get talking therapy

The thing I find hard to cope with is that people who have slept with less then me maybe think I am a less loving and loyal or sentimental partner then someone else because of al of my sex, I hate myself for it

I am an extremely loyal and loving and sentimental partner and I remember special sex over the ten years I've been with my husband. I adore him.

Not sure if that kind of answers your question
I resent my promiscuity. I would have liked to have only had sex ever with my husband,
It does affect how I feel about myself even ten years later
It doesn't affect how he feels about me

I take sex very seriously and I had a total disregard for it when I was younger. Desperate for approval

Obviously they do because most people want to love and be loved

Most people are looking for that connection
Each time you meet someone you hope for that connection

It is a painful process not one where you have no regard for others

It's the judgement that you therefore are void of feelings since you had sex with others or had other boyfriends that is the one I find hardest to cope with

I slept with a few men feelings change things but I would end a relationship if they weren't very good in bed.

Have to agree with you this is an insulting thread- it's pretty rude and abrupt even when people try to explain she can't get her head round it being ok to love someone else or want to be loved
I'm utterly confused by her posts it basically reads that if you've been with someone else you can't have a heart or be a good or emotionally available person?? This is exactly the judgement that is why I need therapy because I worry that I'm perceived as heartless because I slept with people and was desperate for love

It feels like the OP can't read the room properly

Is this your first proper relationship op??

@Tsort
That why I said partners, and in first sentence I said that this is not about numbers.
Nowhere did I say or ask about sex.

What a weird take, and actually quite insulting to those (like me) who had a long and varied history of relationships and flings before meeting 'the one'.

Having felt love for other people in the past doesn't in anyway diminish how I feel for DH, nor do past flings that I didn't feel very much for at all. As per other PPs I remember some fondly and some barely at all, but they were all important & valued in that moment.

It's like suggesting that people with a lot of children care less for the younger ones because 'been there; done that'.

If his past bothers you to this degree I'd walk away now OP, because it won't change.

There's not a finite number of people you can fall for or love, otherwise people from large loving families would never fall in love!

But what you're asking is about numbers.

Do you think you are loveable and special? And a caring and kind person? You have to be a loveable and caring person to be memorable. It's very hard to find someone to love who loves you back.
Are you going to hold it against this man that he's had other partners? If you are, let him go. You need to love all of him without weird terms about his past that you weren't around for to influence

If you will hold this against him it will not be a successful relationship.

Are you actually wanting to find love op?

I think you are worrying needlessly. Also being slightly ridiculous. You can have a number of partners AND be capable of a committed relationship.

Most passively hurtful thread of the day goes to

It's pretty hurtful the concept of your entire thread to a lot of people men or women

Do people / (possible) relationships become meaningless to those who have a pretty long list of exes or other kinds of ”partners”?

This is about numbers. It's about people who have had a high number of (in your words) "a pretty long list of exes or other kinds of ”partners”?"

So not sure why you're now saying you've not mentioned the concept of numbers?

Most of us would have had sex with that number of our partners though?

I went back to think about this, I think we do put people in our past into a nostalgia type memory box.

I put my first ‘love’ into a box that says ‘shame it didn’t work out but we were too young I hope he’s happy now’.

Then I put my rollercoaster love of my life into a box that is ‘god he was fucking hot/toxic and we had great fun but I couldn’t have lived with that long term’

Now I have my lovely DP who isn’t a toxic rollercoaster or too young he’s just.. him. And that him is right for me. I cannot promise him that will never change though, what if I change?

relationships are about taking risks. It’s ok to be too scared to but you should NOT be in a RS with someone if you feel like this about their past

Have some fun. Don't over think it. Or don't.

the comparison to children and pets helps too
I don’t love my older children or pets less or more than the younger ones. You can love lots/repeatedly

Absolutely not, no. I don't think it works like that for anybody.