Can I ask something from people who has had multiple partners?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

If you have been with quite a few people (just to be clear this isin’t about ”shaming” anyone about ”numbers! this is not about that at all) does that make people less important to you?
Like you have had this person and that person, this person was like this and that person was like that .
Does it just becomes kind of a blur of people?
As in ”okey I’m not with this person, whatever, been there done that”.

I know I’m not coming off very clear.
It’s just that I’m late to dating, I actually had a thread about a guy some weeks ago and people encouraged me to go on a date with him and we’ve now been on a few date, nothing serious, but I know he’s been with quite a lot of women (fair enough) and I’m just worried that I’ll just be a number.

Do people / (possible) relationships become meaningless to those who have a pretty long list of exes or other kinds of ”partners”?

I dated a fair few men before meeting my DH, didn't "fall" for them all. But do look back with fond memories of most of them. I appreciate I liked/loved them at the time and they were there at the right time for me in my life so I could end up where I am now. I like to think each one taught me something about myself or men (good and bad). So no I don't think they were meaningless.

That's like saying do you not like going on holiday anymore because you've been on holiday many times before? You don't, you still get excited to go, research it, enjoy your time. You're just a more savvy traveler than before.

I mean how many times can one person actually fall for another person?

You can think you’ve fallen in love with someone, but then years later realise it was just a “right person right time” relationship that was never gonna last forever.

I think, OP, you’re overthinking. Just be yourself and if he falls for you then great. If it doesn’t work out you’ll hopefully have had some fun. You’ll know, after a few months, whether this might last the distance and so will he.

Have you ever had a pet you really really loved? And then gone on to have another pet that you also really really loved?

It's a bit like that (not quite :D but sorta). Just because you love the new dog (or whatever) doesn't mean you didn't care about the dead one.

Or as someone said about friendships that come to an end - just because you fall out eventually or lose touch doesn't mean the friendship was worthless.

maybe felm in live - things didn’t work out, heartbreak and dissapointments, becoming numb, rinse & repeat.

@CantAskAnyoneElse I never became numb. Annoyed by men and cautious maybe, but not numb. You get over someone a bit, that isn't the same as being numb.

What you're thinking is kind of insulting.

Did you only ever feel attracted to/like one person in your life?

^So do people mean anything anymore, particularly new candidates?
I mean how many times can one person actually fall for another person?^

An indefinite amount in my experience. Depends who you meet.

I'd agree with this it's been a long time 24 years to be precise since I meet DH but just because I had loved other people doesn't mean you can't love the next person.

Love isn't finite, all that happens is you realise what you like and what you don't in relationships.

I'm glad others said they can't remember names as there's some I can't either doesn't mean they weren't important at the time. Others like my first I remember fairly well, he was a great kisser not so good at anything else but then I expect I wasn't either!

Well obviously not, because no one can have that many meaningful relationships. If you’ve had sex with lots of people some of them will be ONS, Short flings and maybe FWB. Come to think of it, having sex with a lot of people doesn’t automatically mean you’ve ever had a meaningful relationship.

But certainly it’s not going to mean relationships are less important to you. So whatever behaviour you have come up with that theory to excuse - don’t kid yourself.

I have had a few. Noone was just a number!

Noone was just a number!

😂 Do you have any with just descriptors like 'alkie bloke' or whatever tho, where you forget the names?

Hopefully as I've got into Catholicism, the next will be my last anyway.

I have just descriptions for some, but that doesn't mean I didn't know their name THEN or when they were recent past. It's just that memories fade over time. For me it's the same as not being able to remember the full name of some of my good friends from school. They were important to me then, and five years later I would still have known their names. It's been over twenty years now so the details have been replaced by the details of people/events etc who have more recently been important.

I was very promiscuous when I was younger but still fell in love. The only times that I fitted someone into my life but they didn't mean anything...well no,I was going to say that it was when they were a rebound or a shag cause I missed an ex, but even then they meant something to me even if it was just as being a person who helped me (albeit unknowingly) through a shit time.

I might not remember the details of each and every person I've had any kind of relationship with, but everyone has had importance in some way in my life. None of them have stopped me feeling anything for any others and in fact, some have probably helped me to be in a place where I could have feelings for future people I met.

OP, love isn't finite, we don't have a set capacity for the amount of people we fall for. Every one of us is different, no two relationships or hook ups are the same, so why would people become interchangeable? Unless the person you're dating is a sociopath (in which case you probably should end it anyway!) he presumably, like most of us, takes an interest in anyone he is spending time with, so your individual personality would instantly differentiate you from his exes as you are different people.

Sorry, I hope that makes sense!

I only remember the sex with people I was in a relationship with because I did it with them more. Apart from one or two notable people who were very good.

OP, with respect, if your potential partner's past is a problem for you, DON'T DATE THEM. Their past won't change, and you need to either accept it or let them go.

I've had a few partners in my life, though never anything casual. Each one of them meant something, still does. Only two of them do I not wish well (one can rot in hell, and the other hopefully is rotting in hell). If I were to become single now, I would not be (when I was ready to date again) comparing any new partner to my current or past partners--I'd be with them on their own merits.

but I know he’s been with quite a lot of women (fair enough) and I’m just worried that I’ll just be a number.

I would say it depends on the 'association'.

If he's been having a lot of short-term 'dalliances' then he might just be a player.

Tread carefully OP.

There’s a difference but it’s never made people in general less important to me. Yes some of them were a blur but that’s more of a “whatever we were on” type thing.

I like sex. I love it. I can’t go much more than 24 hours without it and not be a total moody bitch. Pre relationships if that meant shagging one of my brothers dafty mates or one of my pals brothers then I’d bed them but I never had an emotional connection with them. I don’t need an emotional connection for sex, sometimes sex is better without it. You don’t need to fall for someone or be in love to have giid sex with someone. Can have friends with benefits, one night stands, slightly weird barter arrangements consensual on both sides

@CallItLoneliness
It’s not about past.

It’s about future. i’ve seen so many people who just grap the nearest person so they don’t have to be alone or just play them.

I don’t want to be someone who tick a few boxes, but I don’t matter.

Someone aldo asked about my crushes, no I’ve never had a crush.
It takes me a long time to warm up to people, even friends.

but it IS about the past. You're worried because he has dated a lot of women. You wouldn't be worried if he hadn't, even though he might just be grabbing you because you were convenient. You're at risk with someone who hasn't had a lot of partners of being the person they date because you were there when they got sick of being lonely, but you're comfortable with that risk.

People who can't cope with their partner's past usually end up making both parties miserable.

I think you're getting responses from women, and maybe they feel differently to men?

That said, despite the many people I have dated or shagged over the years, I remember most of them in some way. Some relationships I remember with a shudder, but most I see as a broadly positive experience.

However, I think the idea that there is 'the one' is bollocks. There are loads of suitable people out there. Everyone who has married a couple of times can say they thought their first partner was 'the one'.

Quite the opposite. You've not been with many men? He'll love that. This is what men want, a politically incorrect virtuous woman who only he has touched. Or as close to it as he can get.

That's gross.

This has nothing to do with what I asked.

And I can tell you that what you wrote is categorically untrue.

And I also have no interest to be ”only one he has touched”.

It’s about future. i’ve seen so many people who just grap the nearest person so they don’t have to be alone or just play them.

But that's other people, not you. I've slept with a lot of people. I've also spent a lot of time single. I'm still friends with some of them,many years on. Some I've forgotten what the sex was like,but I remember them. Others, the sex was memorable, even though we're no longer in touch. But I also know I'm fine on my own, and I learnt in my early 20s that sleeping with someone just because you're lonely isn't usually a great idea, so I didn't do it again,but when I was in the right headspace to have fun or because I wanted a relationship with that person,not because they were there and could fill a gap in my emotions.

I've read many books over my life. Some are old favourites - but I might not want to spoil the memory by rereading. Others I reread over the years. Others I know I've read them, but don't remember the details. They've all of them made me who I am, though.

I think anyone that's interested or asks how many people I've slept with should be avoided, it's nobody's business but mine .

If you've never had a crush and are a very slow burner yourself, to a certain extent you're going to have to take what he says on faith. As you're not going to really understand that side of him and vice versa. Because your mode of being is not as his, if you get me.

You're towards one end of a scale while he's further along it. Doesn't mean it can't work.

There's always a risk attached, that he's shallow or fickle, but you can only really find out by finding out.

For goodnes sake @Vapeyvapevape , I haven’t asked any numbers, nor is this about that.

I’m asking about caring about, loving partners.
I’ve been suprised how many peoplw have talked anout remembering sex, I think that speaks volumes and is part of my worry.
That I’ll be just some potential sex.
When I’m looking for a partner - to share and build a life with.
And how many people can you really care to try and do that with.

But why would they? It’s not like you become desensitised to people. Everyone you meet brings something new and different to your life.

OP: no.

Everyone lives and responds in the here and now, to the person they are with.

Don’t overthink this and add it to reasons to sabotage your self esteem.

Also it is unfair to suspect someone of this or project your fear of it into your assessment of them.

Relationship history is an important context, for sure, but that’s a bit different. E.g 3 previous partners all described as ‘psycho’ and ‘took him to the cleaners’ / 4 kids with 3 mothers : proceed with caution. But that’s because if their behaviour, not because they have somehow lost the ability to see the people they meet as individuals.