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Original poster

Can you pull me back from the edge? He doesn't realise how checking in is important to me

114 replies

stircraziness · 14/10/2022 08:30

Have a partner of 4 years. We both work a lot, have DC, and live apart (both 45) so our time is quite stretched. We have all through the relationship had a tension around him keeping in touch with me when he is away or busy. It's just something that's important to me (I mean one whatsapp in 24 hours at the very least, I don't mean constant calling or texting throughout the day.)

But sometimes he just doesn't reach out to me and it kills me. I see him online but I don't get anything. What's so strange is that when we are physically together he is very attentive, even to the point I find him too much. Eg he wants to go everywhere together, eat together, watch TV together. He doesn't understand why we'd be in the same physical location and do all these things apart.

Over the years I have got really upset about it and he has apologised and bombarded me with calls, or becomes like a robot and texts me at the same time every day - eg "just sending you the daily text," to appear consistent, but that obviously feels like he does not want to reach out to me.

Anyway now it's happening again. He left for the US 48 hours ago and I have heard nothing. I have seen him online a lot - just not messaging me! I refuse to reach out to him at this point but I just feel so upset about it. Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline.

I am always at the point of yelling him or just going completely quiet and cutting him out

What would you do?

OP posts:
Clymene · 14/10/2022 08:33

End the relationship.

He doesn't want to text you daily and that's making you really unhappy.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/10/2022 08:34

Why does this make you so anxious? I’d message him saying “glad to see you’re having a good time” or something. I know it’s nice to have a check in but you’re not his mum.

COL1N · 14/10/2022 08:36

Yep I sort of agree with PP, I would try & focus on understanding why this upsets you so much & work on that. You only have control over yourself.

RainbowsMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 08:37

You have DC, you live apart, he comes and goes as he pleases. This man is having his cake and eating it.

He is not treating you like a partner, but a doormat.

KangarooKenny · 14/10/2022 08:38

Your relationship is causing you anxiety. You’ve asked him to change repeatedly, and he doesn’t, so end it.

Ragwort · 14/10/2022 08:38

I don't know what I would do because I have never needed much 'contact' and I would find it overbearing if someone was in touch every day just to 'check in'. But I am 20 years older than you and when my (now) DH and I met there were no mobiles phones or internet, he travelled abroad a lot on business and we corresponded via air mail (still got the blue letters). I appreciate times are different now but I still see it as rather needy and immature ... ask yourself why it is so important he checks in daily? You are a mature 45 year old woman, not a love struck teenager.

gannett · 14/10/2022 08:42

This just sounds like incompatibility to me. You have different emotional needs and haven't found a way to sync them up or compromise.

Tbh both of you sound a bit smothering in different ways. When DP and I are away from each other we keep in touch but not necessarily every day, and feeling any pressure or expectation to check in would make me feel like I was walking on eggshells a bit. When we're both at home we almost always eat together but definitely don't feel the need to be with each other 24/7.

But fundamentally in your case, physical proximity is important for him, and not for you. Communication while apart is important for you, and not for him (and that's why his attempts to compromise will never be good enough for you, because this is fundamentally not important to him and you know this).

It's perfectly possible to compromise but you both have to accept that each other's personalities and needs are valid. And the compromise will involve the needier one backing off a bit. At home, he needs to give you more personal space and me time. When apart, you need to accept his style of messaging.

If you can't accept these things you should probably separate because you're not going to change each other's personalities.

MrsClatterbuck · 14/10/2022 08:47

But fundamentally in your case, physical proximity is important for him, and not for you. Communication while apart is important for you, and not for him (and that's why his attempts to compromise will never be good enough for you, because this is fundamentally not important to him and you know this).

It's perfectly possible to compromise but you both have to accept that each other's personalities and needs are valid. And the compromise will involve the needier one backing off a bit. At home, he needs to give you more personal space and me time. When apart, you need to accept his style of messaging.

Very good advice * *

Bitwornout · 14/10/2022 08:50

Why can't you just send a message saying hello? It sounds very odd that you are spending time checking and seeing that he's online but then can't drop him a message. You doing like you are spending a lot of time overthinking this. I'd find someone demanding I check in with them very needy and TBH it would give me the ick and make me even less likely to message. The fact that he has in the past sent messages saying ” checking in" at a specific time indicates he's finding it pretty over the top. If you were a man saying this about a woman I think you'd get some very harsh responses.

FivePotatoesHigh · 14/10/2022 08:53

You both sound unreasonable in different ways to be honest. This isn’t a healthy relationship.

LIZS · 14/10/2022 08:54

Your relationship sounds dysfunctional. What you are asking is not unreasonable in a normal relationship, just to touch base. However the more you ask the less he will cooperate or treat it as a chore as neither you nor your dc (are they shared?) are his priority. He enjoys your neediness and attention, and how he can manipulate it. He can lead a single life knowing he has you waiting.

Isthisreasonable · 14/10/2022 08:54

Kindly you don't seem suited to this type of relationship. I think most people would find the requirement to text at least daily and awareness that you are monitoring their time spent online claustrophobic. Much better to receive unforced messages even if they don't appear as often as you would like.

You need to leave this relationship and find someone who needs a similar level of contact. Of course there's no guarantee that you won't find having to message a new partner multiple times a day irritating.

MrsMontyD · 14/10/2022 08:56

RainbowsMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 08:37

You have DC, you live apart, he comes and goes as he pleases. This man is having his cake and eating it.

He is not treating you like a partner, but a doormat.

Presumably they both have dc from previous relationships not together, which is why they don't live together.

Snoken · 14/10/2022 08:56

I don't know why the onus is only on him just because he's away. You are the one who thinks it's important to chat each day, so you should drive it. He thinks it's important that you spend a lot of time together in person, and he is driving that. It doesn't come naturally to him, so don't turn it into a dreaded chore for him as that won't benefit either of you.

ganvough · 14/10/2022 08:58

Ragwort · 14/10/2022 08:38

I don't know what I would do because I have never needed much 'contact' and I would find it overbearing if someone was in touch every day just to 'check in'. But I am 20 years older than you and when my (now) DH and I met there were no mobiles phones or internet, he travelled abroad a lot on business and we corresponded via air mail (still got the blue letters). I appreciate times are different now but I still see it as rather needy and immature ... ask yourself why it is so important he checks in daily? You are a mature 45 year old woman, not a love struck teenager.

This is a really odd comment.

You're in a relationship, this isn't a pen pal. Why be in a relationship at all (where you're committing to them and only them) if contacting that person daily and regularly is a chore. You both probably ended up talking more to your work colleagues than partner, in this case.

Also my mum travelled for work for weeks at a time and her and my dad would call each other every day. Not because they had to but because you know, they loved each other, and wanted to. They wanted to chat about their day. It's a pretty cool feeling to have that sort of connection, where you're also best friends. Sorry you didn't and thought it normal. But it isn't needy to want regular contact if it isn't needy to get into a relationship/share finances/get married.

Luckily I have the same with my partner as I now travel for work and he does shifts. OP, what you want is perfectly normal. Unless he's somewhere with no phone or wifi connection, he should want to chat to you when not together. Otherwise you might as well have another bf during the week and keep him as your weekend fling...what's the point of him? There are couples where both people want minimal contact and that's ok. And he is talking to other people regularly like you said, just not you. So not like he's a loner who switches off from everyone, just you.

One last ditch attempt to get him to compromise. If he can't, I would reconsider the relationship. Not just because of the communication but this relationship seems to revolve around his needs, he can't see your pov, he can't compromise, and he can't communicate how you need him to. Not what you want in a life partner.

Hbh17 · 14/10/2022 08:58

I am like the previous poster who would rely on letters or very rare calls, so I just don't see the need for so much contact. But ask yourself WHY you need him to "check in", given that you know he is OK - what purpose would it serve? He is getting on with his life, you're getting on with yours and both of you are capable independent people - something to be proud of, I would say.
Tbh, I would find the constant togetherness when he's at home much more annoying!

drpet49 · 14/10/2022 09:01

Ragwort · 14/10/2022 08:38

I don't know what I would do because I have never needed much 'contact' and I would find it overbearing if someone was in touch every day just to 'check in'. But I am 20 years older than you and when my (now) DH and I met there were no mobiles phones or internet, he travelled abroad a lot on business and we corresponded via air mail (still got the blue letters). I appreciate times are different now but I still see it as rather needy and immature ... ask yourself why it is so important he checks in daily? You are a mature 45 year old woman, not a love struck teenager.

This. You sound needy and controlling.

SunflowerDuck · 14/10/2022 09:02

Why does he have to initiate. You're online but you're not messaging either. Why not say "hi just seeing how the flight was , hope you're settling in okay?" And then he might reply when free. No big deal. Sounds like you're trying to trip him up and make him jump through hoops. Accept who he is or leave.

Heavenknows22 · 14/10/2022 09:04

I do think he could check in with you even if it’s just a message or two each day. I agree with pps that you could send him a friendly message too. That’s normal between couples.

If he is online all day and night, why are all those people more important for him to engage with than you?

watcherintherye · 14/10/2022 09:07

Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline.

Don’t do this! Why are you torturing yourself? Just get on with your life. Maybe a taste of his own medicine will prompt him to contact you. If he queries why you haven’t been in touch, just say sorry, but you’ve been busy with work, the kids etc.

When our parents were alive, I would speak to my Dad every week and my Mum every day. Dh phoned his parents every six weeks or so, usually when I suggested it might be a good idea! He got on really well with them, but hadn’t ever got into the habit of ‘touching base’ regularly. Everyone’s different.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/10/2022 09:07

@gannett is spot on and you're getting a lot of great advice here.

My dh expresses love quite differently from me, I've learnt to value the natural ways he does it, (he does physical affection and acts of service as his main two ways, I'm more physical affection and words of love and praise) sometimes I do need to hear it 'my way' and then I tell him and because he understands my needs he happily does that, but he will revert back to his natural style once that extra-considerate effort is done.

If you were in a relationship with me your experience would be very similar to this guy, I just don't feel the urge to get in touch much if I'm away. I'm happy, secure in the knowledge that all that good stuff can happen when I get home. If I knew my partner needed routine contact I would try to do it, out of care for them (as your guy has) but it wouldn't flow so I'd either be pushing the boat out over-enthusiastic, or making sure I remembered by doing it after I brushed my teeth or something. It wouldn't be spontaneous. Sounds like he's in that position too.

I think you should Google love languages read up on the different styles. There was a time when I struggled with the fact dh rarely said 'I love you' but by becoming an expert in him and what his love language is (bit of a twee phrase but it is what it is and it makes sense) and educating him on me and mine, I find myself surrounded by love and if my itch needs to be scratched I can have that (just not on tap all the time). That's our compromise and it works well.
The odds of finding a great guy whose love language matches yours exactly is slim. But you don't have to tear the whole thing up if you can expand your understanding of each other and value what he does do.

Original poster
stircraziness · 14/10/2022 09:08

Thank you for responding.
The whole thing about me being online and seeing him online is borne out of years of not monitoring this and initiating myself to get a response 24 hours later. So now I just don't bother to initiate and I see him come on and offline.
I don't understand why people think it's needy and controlling of me to want a text saying he has arrived safely and asking how I am? I don't think that is needy. I also don't think 1 text every 24hours is needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
stircraziness · 14/10/2022 09:13

gannett · 14/10/2022 08:42

This just sounds like incompatibility to me. You have different emotional needs and haven't found a way to sync them up or compromise.

Tbh both of you sound a bit smothering in different ways. When DP and I are away from each other we keep in touch but not necessarily every day, and feeling any pressure or expectation to check in would make me feel like I was walking on eggshells a bit. When we're both at home we almost always eat together but definitely don't feel the need to be with each other 24/7.

But fundamentally in your case, physical proximity is important for him, and not for you. Communication while apart is important for you, and not for him (and that's why his attempts to compromise will never be good enough for you, because this is fundamentally not important to him and you know this).

It's perfectly possible to compromise but you both have to accept that each other's personalities and needs are valid. And the compromise will involve the needier one backing off a bit. At home, he needs to give you more personal space and me time. When apart, you need to accept his style of messaging.

If you can't accept these things you should probably separate because you're not going to change each other's personalities.

This is great advice, thank you

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 14/10/2022 09:16

ganvough · 14/10/2022 08:58

This is a really odd comment.

You're in a relationship, this isn't a pen pal. Why be in a relationship at all (where you're committing to them and only them) if contacting that person daily and regularly is a chore. You both probably ended up talking more to your work colleagues than partner, in this case.

Also my mum travelled for work for weeks at a time and her and my dad would call each other every day. Not because they had to but because you know, they loved each other, and wanted to. They wanted to chat about their day. It's a pretty cool feeling to have that sort of connection, where you're also best friends. Sorry you didn't and thought it normal. But it isn't needy to want regular contact if it isn't needy to get into a relationship/share finances/get married.

Luckily I have the same with my partner as I now travel for work and he does shifts. OP, what you want is perfectly normal. Unless he's somewhere with no phone or wifi connection, he should want to chat to you when not together. Otherwise you might as well have another bf during the week and keep him as your weekend fling...what's the point of him? There are couples where both people want minimal contact and that's ok. And he is talking to other people regularly like you said, just not you. So not like he's a loner who switches off from everyone, just you.

One last ditch attempt to get him to compromise. If he can't, I would reconsider the relationship. Not just because of the communication but this relationship seems to revolve around his needs, he can't see your pov, he can't compromise, and he can't communicate how you need him to. Not what you want in a life partner.

Show quote history

I agree with this. My dp of 3 years and I don't live together but we message/call frequently. Just little things or silly things or to ask about things we might be doing. We both understand that work keeps us busier sometimes but there is always time in the day for a quick message.

That's why I am in a relationship...to know someone is thinking of me and wants to talk to me and not just when we are together.

I think you need to have another conversation with him about it and make it clear that while you don't need so much physical attention when you are together, you compromise as you know it's important to him and you would like the same from him.

MarshaMelrose · 14/10/2022 09:17

I doubt he's going to change. This is who he is and how he thinks and behaves. It's not related to how much he does or doesn't love you. You can see on here some people want to be in touch a lot, some find it suffocating. No one is wrong, it's just different personalities.
But if you find that him not texting whilst he's away is making you ill, then it sounds like it's a mismatch in your styles. Neither of you can change on you feel or think about these things. So maybe, if a text means that much to you, it's time to let him go and try and find someone more compatible.