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Original poster

Can you pull me back from the edge? He doesn't realise how checking in is important to me

114 replies

stircraziness · 14/10/2022 08:30

Have a partner of 4 years. We both work a lot, have DC, and live apart (both 45) so our time is quite stretched. We have all through the relationship had a tension around him keeping in touch with me when he is away or busy. It's just something that's important to me (I mean one whatsapp in 24 hours at the very least, I don't mean constant calling or texting throughout the day.)

But sometimes he just doesn't reach out to me and it kills me. I see him online but I don't get anything. What's so strange is that when we are physically together he is very attentive, even to the point I find him too much. Eg he wants to go everywhere together, eat together, watch TV together. He doesn't understand why we'd be in the same physical location and do all these things apart.

Over the years I have got really upset about it and he has apologised and bombarded me with calls, or becomes like a robot and texts me at the same time every day - eg "just sending you the daily text," to appear consistent, but that obviously feels like he does not want to reach out to me.

Anyway now it's happening again. He left for the US 48 hours ago and I have heard nothing. I have seen him online a lot - just not messaging me! I refuse to reach out to him at this point but I just feel so upset about it. Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline.

I am always at the point of yelling him or just going completely quiet and cutting him out

What would you do?

OP posts:
gannett · 14/10/2022 12:11

Purpledaze77 · 14/10/2022 11:11

Everyone who is saying it’s not his style to check in, communicate regularly etc , he seems to be online a lot communicating to other people. Why can’t he send op a quick hello text.
when you love someone, hopefully you think about them each day and can manage a ten second text. Jeez

You do realise people can be online (and often have to be) for things other than messaging?

And honestly when I'm away on a work trip I'm not thinking about DP that much. I'm thinking about logistics of getting from A to B, meeting new professional contacts, finding my way around, working out where and what to eat and also my actual work (all of which entail being online). When I've finished thinking about all of those things I'm probably wiped, and I might be mindlessly browsing (and thus still online) but without the headspace to write a message. I only message people when I have something to actually say.

pinkpanel · 14/10/2022 12:20

Is it joint dc you have?

Hobbi · 14/10/2022 12:27

There was a thread on here the other day with the genders reversed. Almost unanimously the DH was accused of being 'controlling' for wanting the odd text.

notputtingtheheatingon · 14/10/2022 12:46

I once went out with a man who always seemed to be online (posting on Facebook etc) but could happily go 3 or 4 days without contacting me. It used to drive me nuts but I also recognised a neediness in myself that I didn't know was there.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting more frequent contact but at the same time, it might be worth looking more deeply into why it upsets you so much you can't sleep? Is there more going on?

bettyfretty · 14/10/2022 12:49

I don't think you are being needy at all op. You've been together 4 years not 4 weeks. If I was working away - especially as far as the US, I would not only text my partner but also my dc, my parents to let them know I have arrived safely. It's just common courtesy for us. They would want to know I was ok and me the same for them if they travelled.

Asking for one text isn't asking for much, especially when so far apart. It's a shame he can't see that, especially as he's clearly online speaking to others....but if the relationship is good in every other sense then compromise is key from both of you.

pictish · 14/10/2022 13:20

I wouldn’t need or seek daily contact so I find it hard to relate to how much this bothers you.

pictish · 14/10/2022 13:21

As in…I don’t understand why you want it so much.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/10/2022 15:35

Everyone who is saying it’s not his style to check in, communicate regularly etc , he seems to be online a lot communicating to other people.

How does being online equate to communicating with other people?

sorcerersapprentice · 14/10/2022 15:46

It wouldn't bother me at all actually. But I just don't need that daily contact. I wouldn't have much to say anyway

pictish · 14/10/2022 15:51

sorcerersapprentice · 14/10/2022 15:46

It wouldn't bother me at all actually. But I just don't need that daily contact. I wouldn't have much to say anyway

I feel the same. Unless there’s something specific to say, I’m not sure what the need for daily contact is. To know that he’s thinking of me? When I’m away from my husband I don’t think of him much, I’m distracted by whatever the trip is for. It’s no reflection on my relationship or my capacity to love. I’d feel a bit stifled and controlled if he got the arse with me for not checking in. Checking in? What for?

Original poster
stircraziness · 14/10/2022 15:57

I don't understand anyone who thinks it is completely normal to be "online" on whatsapp and therefore talking to others, and not saying hello to your partner. Even if there is nothing to say, we can laugh about it.

Honestly I was online last night at 3am, it was 10pm in the US and I was seeing him online and just thinking - why do you not want to say hello to me? We share a bed and a life? And friends? And hobbies? And have been together 4 years and you don't want to say hello?

For those asking, my DC are not his

OP posts:
Original poster
stircraziness · 14/10/2022 15:58

And I'm not crazy enough to send him some kind of dressing down about how he's hurt me or this is not what I want, or not the kind of communication I expect. He's heard it all before.

All I can do now is just ignore him. Or break up with him. It feels so depressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
stircraziness · 14/10/2022 16:01

So I suppose I am asking what is the most dignified, long term way of addressing it?

OP posts:
WhiteChocMocha · 14/10/2022 16:05

"Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline."

It sounds like you're letting yourself become really preoccupied by that. it's no good for your MH. First you need to detach a bit.

I'm online all day long as part of my job - considering he's on a work trip he is likely communicating with his colleagues etc. Work trips can get relly busy and hectic, too.

You either need to accept that he doesn't want to be in touch this frequently when away (and decide if you can live with it or not), or meet somewhere in the middle.

What are your conversations about when he's away and you're keeping in touch? Is it literally just a daily check-in to tick a box, or are those interesting, engaging conversations that make both of your days better?

Hard to advise without knowing what you're like as people but... Share something funny you've seen or something that's happened to you that you know would make him smile? If you've got something on your mind (ideally other than him!) that you'd like his input on, talk to him about it? Chat about something you'd like to do together when he's back? Ask him about the place that he's in? (The last one works really well for me and my partner - we do a regular 'check this place out' type of picture exchange when I'm away, and often have more interesting conversations when I'm abroad than when I'm home!)

If you both make it a conversation worth having, it's not a chore, it's enjoyable for both, and makes you both want to have it.

Right now it's a source of anxiety for you both and that's no good. He feels forced to do something and you want something you know the other doesn't really want to give, and that's no fun and will continue to cause anxiety.

WhiteChocMocha · 14/10/2022 16:08

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/10/2022 15:35

Everyone who is saying it’s not his style to check in, communicate regularly etc , he seems to be online a lot communicating to other people.

How does being online equate to communicating with other people?

Being online can equal being on an hour-long WhatsApp call with a client or similar. Don't read that much into it every time.

sorcerersapprentice · 14/10/2022 16:17

So don't watch when he is online 🤷‍♀️
That's the quickest way to drive yourself nuts over it.
It's 3am in the UK so he's not messaging you because it's the middle of the night

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 14/10/2022 16:22

Can you leave your phone downstairs overnight so at least you're not tempted to check overnight?

If you text him, does he respond (eventually)? Or just ignore your message? If it's the latter then I'd be cross too. But if it's the former, the most dignified way to deal with it is to stop game playing and accept that you'll usually be the one to initiate contact.

BeanieTeen · 14/10/2022 16:26

DH works away a lot and I agree with you OP - just a text to say ‘love you’ or a quick ‘you ok?’ at least is a bit of a must (it’s actually me who forgets sometimes when I’ve had a busy day at work!) because otherwise I think it’s quite natural to worry I think. Unless there’s a reason why you might not be able to but you’d establish that the day before. I think in a relationship it’s a bit weird to not speak at least once a day. It’s not a casual friendship.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/10/2022 16:28

Absolutely @WhiteChocMocha i can be online for hours and not be available to message or chat - usually I’m working and the machine I’m on will be logged on to WhatsApp or messenger or whatever but I don’t have them open and am not checking them. A 10 second “hi” can turn into a longer chat with multiple messages that I don’t have time or headspace to deal with just then.

The online indicator literally tells you someone’s device is logged on, it doesn’t tell you what they’re doing or even if they’re sitting near that device. It means nothing at all in terms of their availability to communicate with you or anyone else but does seem to raise anxiety levels for some.

TBOM · 14/10/2022 16:30

sorcerersapprentice · 14/10/2022 16:17

So don't watch when he is online 🤷‍♀️
That's the quickest way to drive yourself nuts over it.
It's 3am in the UK so he's not messaging you because it's the middle of the night

This - it's 3am so why would he think you would be awake???

fairlygoodmother · 14/10/2022 16:41

Do you feel that he is responsible for initiating conversations because he's the one who is away? Maybe you've already tried and given up on this but from your post it seems like you should just send him a quick text asking how his trip is going, giving a quick update on your day... Does he respond if you do that?

I think if you have specific communications needs it's up to you to set the ball rolling.

Original poster
stircraziness · 14/10/2022 17:08

I don't understand these people who think it is normal for your longterm partner to have travelled to another continent, to have access to wifi and text and have been there 48 hours (now 72 hours), and visibly "online" and not said "hi" or "how are things?" or "you ok?"

I just don't understand!!

OP posts:
TBOM · 14/10/2022 17:10

stircraziness · 14/10/2022 17:08

I don't understand these people who think it is normal for your longterm partner to have travelled to another continent, to have access to wifi and text and have been there 48 hours (now 72 hours), and visibly "online" and not said "hi" or "how are things?" or "you ok?"

I just don't understand!!

I travel a huge amount for work and it wouldn't occur to me to contact my DP unless I had something specific to talk about.

MrsMontyD · 14/10/2022 17:19

@TBOM So you wouldn't message just to say good morning to your DP? Do you only speak to your DP when you have something specific to say when you're at home?

Some people on here have relationships I really don't understand, my DP messages me several times a day to "check in" when he's at home or away and my ExH did the same.

CatherinedeBourgh · 14/10/2022 17:25

stircraziness · 14/10/2022 17:08

I don't understand these people who think it is normal for your longterm partner to have travelled to another continent, to have access to wifi and text and have been there 48 hours (now 72 hours), and visibly "online" and not said "hi" or "how are things?" or "you ok?"

I just don't understand!!

Married for 30 years. Lots of business travel in all that time.

Neither of us would get in touch unless we had something we specifically wanted to say. Particularly from the US, time zones mean that you'd be busy at different times, so when you're having downtime and think of the other person, the other person is probably busy.

Plus travel is generally quite hectic, so by the time everything that you have to do is done, it's too late for the other person.

We are very, very close, both have worked largely from home together for many years now.

Just don't see the value in random whatsapps. Nowadays if one is travelling with the dc, the dc will call at bedtime to say good night and we might say good night to each other too, but otherwise we wouldn't really check in every day at all.