Can you pull me back from the edge? He doesn't realise how checking in is important to me

[stircraziness]

Have a partner of 4 years. We both work a lot, have DC, and live apart (both 45) so our time is quite stretched. We have all through the relationship had a tension around him keeping in touch with me when he is away or busy. It's just something that's important to me (I mean one whatsapp in 24 hours at the very least, I don't mean constant calling or texting throughout the day.)

But sometimes he just doesn't reach out to me and it kills me. I see him online but I don't get anything. What's so strange is that when we are physically together he is very attentive, even to the point I find him too much. Eg he wants to go everywhere together, eat together, watch TV together. He doesn't understand why we'd be in the same physical location and do all these things apart.

Over the years I have got really upset about it and he has apologised and bombarded me with calls, or becomes like a robot and texts me at the same time every day - eg "just sending you the daily text," to appear consistent, but that obviously feels like he does not want to reach out to me.

Anyway now it's happening again. He left for the US 48 hours ago and I have heard nothing. I have seen him online a lot - just not messaging me! I refuse to reach out to him at this point but I just feel so upset about it. Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline.

I am always at the point of yelling him or just going completely quiet and cutting him out

What would you do?

I also think it’s really disingenuous when pp are saying ‘don’t break up over WhatsApp, there’s bigger problems in life’ but communication is often THE problem no? Doesn’t matter what format it comes in.

I would break up with him over this (I’ve had something similar) if you can’t resolve it, at the minute you’re twisting yourself into knots to fit him, imagine what it could be like if you were with someone who contacted you more normally? It would be one area of stress and noise out of your life. I also think he’s content to make you feel like your expectations are the thing that’s unreasonable and if only you can drop it and get used to it, you’d be happy.
In reality his inability to properly meet you in the middle is the issue.

I truly don't get anyone who thinks OP is being unreasonable! Her DP is clearly very good at communicating. Very clearly likes to check in just not with her.

I'd argue he's playing a nasty game, knowing that she needs reassurance and deliberately withholding it!

I'm sorry @stircraziness but I think this is the writing on the wall for your relationship. It's cruel of him to leave you so anxious when you've tried to express your needs. He is crossing boundaries for you. Is he really worth the angst?

Oh @stircraziness - I’m highlighting this post as it’s the important one for you to read and understand the problem.

My relationship with the now dh started as a long distance relationship (he was living in a different country when I met him, he was back in the uk for a holiday). Yours is essentially a long distance relationship because he’s away so much. Long term they work in one of two formats - firstly you are together all the time, but living apart, so you use calls/emails/messages/good old fashioned post to stay part of each other’s lives when apart, to keep your relationship “live” between meet ups; or you are really two single people living separate lives, who when they are able to, meet up and have a short intense relationship for the time they are together, then go back to their single lives. (Almost like an affair, but without either of you being committed to someone else.)

you want one type, he wants the other. He’s not going to give you the relationship you want because it would make him unhappy, so cut your loses and make yourself available to meet someone who would suit you better.

But equally, you are the other side of this partnership and you haven't reached out to him, which makes you just as responsible !!

Maybe you should try owning this. Communication involves two people so why not send him a note saying hi? Why does it have to be him first? That's the bit I find odd.

agree with that.

agree.

My abusive ex used to insist on my checking in once a day. I found it unbearable in the end. I think it's healthy for a day or more to go by without contact.

Your OP, in all honesty, sounds needy and overbearing. I agree that you sound incompatible and should end it.

I think some of these responses are very harsh OP. If he's on what's app a lot when he's away (including at 10pm at night, so presumably not work-related) then clearly he doesn't have an issue communicating and keeping in touch with others. He's just choosing not to with you.

I completely understand why that's an issue for you and I don't think it makes you needy and I certainly don't think it makes you abusive. You don't live together and he travels a lot, so keeping in touch is important and a way of him showing that you matter and are missed. Instead what you're getting is out of sight, out of mind. That you're feeling angry and hurt (and trying to get a reaction by not initiating a conversation and considering blocking him), I think stems from the frustration of knowing you're giving more/wanting more than you're getting back.

There was a really interesting thread on here recently about living apart together relationships (LATR). A lot of the posters were saying how after a few years they were left feeling dissatisfied with their partners' 'on/off' approach to the relationship - feeling you're a couple when you're physically together, but not feeling it or having that back up from your partner when you're not. Their (male) partners seemed pretty happy with it though!

Do you think that's partly what's going on here? Your partner has all the benefits of having a girlfriend on the days you're together, but is just not putting in the emotional effort when you're not? You want emotional consistency, whereas he's quite happy keeping it in this on/off 'part-time' relationship zone?

I like this post. You feel how you feel. Ultimately you can develop some understanding for the other but you can't suppress how you feel forever.

"The only reason I'm not doing the same in my relationship is that my partner and I are really trying hard to meet in the middle, and bridge the gap between our different communication styles."

@ZeppelinTits I like this. Just not sure if OP can bridge that gap 4 years in.

The guy I'm seeing and I used to have very fluid communication, except for when he was feeling down. He could disappear for a week, come back and still be quite distant when he was down. I found that very difficult but thought 'well, that's just him, everyone is allowed their space and I need to respect it'. I didn't think he could change.

But there was one instance when he went awol, I had a difficult week and I was straight up with him and said 'I felt alone and like you didn't care and I needed more from you'.

I didn't expect him to change. But since that time, even when he's down and doesn't want to exchange 50 messages a day, he'll drop me daily message or call me to check in. I know it's only 'normal' but I appreciate that he forces himself out of his 'safe introvert space' to do that for me because he knows that to me it matters. For me that's 'bridging' enough and on my side, I allow him more space on the days that I feel that he needs it.

Think the bridging/meeting in the middle you're doing is great and while it may force you both to tweak your styles a bit, it feels good to do something knowing it makes the person you love happy and secure in the relationship.

Don't do that OP, although I can see how you'd get frustrated enough to want to.

It's all on his terms isn't it?
Plenty of communication when it's all about HIM.
None when it's just a once-a-day wotcher how are YOU.

No backing off when he's being overly attentive in demanding your constant physical presence when you are together.
But HE's entitled to back off when you are apart?

And I'm not crazy enough to send him some kind of dressing down about how he's hurt me or this is not what I want, or not the kind of communication I expect. He's heard it all before.
I think you need to reframe how you are looking at this. You are - from your thread title - viewing it through a lens of "he doesn't realise how I need a check-in text".
But he DOES realise.
You have told him enough times, & he understands English.
He's simply choosing not to meet you halfway.

A once a day text to someone you profess to love is hardly onerous.
He just can't be arsed to do it for you OP.
Sorry to put it so bluntly. I hope you find the resolution you need, in order to move forward either with, or without him.

It's not needy & overbearing to want a text from someone who has just flown abroad. Just a "landed safely, catch you tomorrow" would do.

MrsMontyD, of course some people have relationships you don't understand. Some have relationships I don't understand. We're all different people. It doesn't bother me.

DH and I have always WFH part of the week, but we only communicate during working hours if it's something important that won't wait till lunch time or evening. We chat about all kinds of things over meals, in bed, while relaxing or walking together. If one of us is away overnight, he tends to ring or email me just to say hello, whereas I wouldn't often except to make arrangements.

I don't love him less than he loves me. I just prefer to be together and talk in person rather than via a phone.

We both work a lot, have DC, and live apart (both 45) so our time is quite stretched. We have all through the relationship had a tension around him keeping in touch with me when he is away or busy. It's just something that's important to me (I mean one whatsapp in 24 hours at the very least

The above. They don't live together, or have children together either. In my opinion that is overbearing.
In any case the OP appears to have left the thread.

@KettrickenSmiled

I also understand the need, but as you don’t live together, I struggle with how very upset you are by this, laying awake at 3am tracking him on line, instead if just getting to sleep.

,y husband and I travel, sometimes we are busy and forget to check in. We maybe online though and texting colleagues with us . If one of us forgot the other just reaches out, or if they are busy let’s it go. No one is sitting upset like this. Sometimes we can speak three times in a day. Other times we can go three days with no contact other than maybe a single text.

the issue here is you feel you can’t just text him and say hey you landed how is it? Instead you lay awake and miserable stalking him on line.

so I’d focus less on why he is busy and not thinking of it. And more on how you react in such an extreme way