Can you pull me back from the edge? He doesn't realise how checking in is important to me

[stircraziness]

Have a partner of 4 years. We both work a lot, have DC, and live apart (both 45) so our time is quite stretched. We have all through the relationship had a tension around him keeping in touch with me when he is away or busy. It's just something that's important to me (I mean one whatsapp in 24 hours at the very least, I don't mean constant calling or texting throughout the day.)

But sometimes he just doesn't reach out to me and it kills me. I see him online but I don't get anything. What's so strange is that when we are physically together he is very attentive, even to the point I find him too much. Eg he wants to go everywhere together, eat together, watch TV together. He doesn't understand why we'd be in the same physical location and do all these things apart.

Over the years I have got really upset about it and he has apologised and bombarded me with calls, or becomes like a robot and texts me at the same time every day - eg "just sending you the daily text," to appear consistent, but that obviously feels like he does not want to reach out to me.

Anyway now it's happening again. He left for the US 48 hours ago and I have heard nothing. I have seen him online a lot - just not messaging me! I refuse to reach out to him at this point but I just feel so upset about it. Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline.

I am always at the point of yelling him or just going completely quiet and cutting him out

What would you do?

“I doubt he's going to change. This is who he is and how he thinks and behaves. It's not related to how much he does or doesn't love you. You can see on here some people want to be in touch a lot, some find it suffocating. No one is wrong, it's just different personalities.

But if you find that him not texting whilst he's away is making you ill, then it sounds like it's a mismatch in your styles. Neither of you can change on you feel or think about these things. So maybe, if a text means that much to you, it's time to let him go and try and find someone more compatible.”

This.

I don't think you sound needy at all. It's common courtesy to let you know he's arrived safely to stop you worrying. I'd also want to know that my partner has arrived safely.

I can understand your frustration and wonder if he's being passive aggressive or just self absorbed. He knows you're waiting to hear from him and CBA to send you a quick text. All he has to say is ',got here ok'. That's enough to know until you talk.

If I was on a work trip and it was 10pm where I was and 3am where DP was, there's no way I'd message. I'm probably winding down to go to sleep and don't want to engage in chat. And I assume at 3am neither does he.

Or my laptop could be on in my hotel room (and thus showing me as online) when I'm actually having dinner or a drink. Or reading a book in bed rather than at my desk. Or I'm messaging a colleague about the work I'm there to do and that's why I'm online. Or any number of things that preclude random chatting.

When I'm away I message DP if I've taken a picture of a good view or impressive monument or random dog or delicious meal. We don't really message just to say hi or whatever.

It's as simple as this..... you've explained how you feel and he has done nothing to change his ways. It takes 5 seconds to text. But he's not willing to give you those 5 seconds. He doesn't value you.

He has IBS. We have constant conversations about the state of his bowel habits: Me checking in on him, he can spend tens of mins texting me from the loo talking about how he's feeling, how his bowel movements are, and how it's ruining his life. I drive him to his doctors appointments for this. The irony for me is that we are intimate enough and close enough to discuss this, "live," whenvever he goes to the loo at home, with all the intricate details - yet he arrives in another continent and is online but cannot text me once!

It provokes a response in me that is just so angry. I have drafted so many texts but not sent any. I honestly feel like just blocking him and making him worry.

Good grief. I can't imagine a bloke going on about his bowel movements and actually expecting me to listen every time. It's not like it is something new or really can be changed.

Just turn your phone off at night and put him on mute until he returns and get on with living your daily life. The stress from worrying about if he's going to text or respond isn't healthy.

Not when on a work trip - they tend to be super hectic, and cover 16+ hour days. So I'm often in a bit of a rush, and not even turning on WhatsApp. Might send him the odd photo of food though if there's a good dinner!

I get it, OP. I don't need bouquets of flowers or expensive dinners but I have always needed fairly consistent patterns of communication in all my relationships. I don't think that's needy.

Agree with a previous poster, it sounds like this is a real compatibility issue. He clearly knows it bothers you but he's unlikely to change.

I don't understand these people who think it is normal for your longterm partner to have travelled to another continent, to have access to wifi and text and have been there 48 hours (now 72 hours), and visibly "online" and not said "hi" or "how are things?" or "you ok?"

You don’t understand that different people want and need different things in a relationship? Therein lies your issue - you don’t see how anyone could be different to you and you’re in a relationship with someone who is different to you.

Many people have explained their experiences of working away, levels of contact etc and you still don’t understand different needs. In some ways you’re as bad as him - you say he won’t adjust his level of contact to suit you, when he did just check in with you you weren’t happy because it felt he was just doing it because you want him to. You can’t make someone need the things you do - it’s ok that you want regular contact while he’s away, and it’s ok that he doesn’t need that level of contact and is presumably focussed on whatever took him to the States. You need to find a compromise - which he did - but watching his online presence and extrapolating meaning from it isn’t doing you or your relationship any good.

Maybe having an open, non-blaming conversation with him about why he doesn’t keep in contact might help you see his point of view.

You either accept it or you don’t. Presumably he knows how it makes you feel and still doesn’t message so if you can’t accept that then end it. I’m the other end of the spectrum really and don’t need much contact. I always wonder why people feel the need to say “love you” after every conversation for example?

Do you message him and he ignores it?

Op I would be the same. I don't think it's unreasonable or smothering or needy to expect an 'I've arrived' text at the very least. It takes seconds. And it's an established relationship not a new one. Sadly you've addressed this with him before and he hasn't taken your feelings on board. I would be pissed off too.

But what are you going to do about it? That's the question.

That's kind of the problem though - the fact that you can't see how needy it is. Other people don't have to give you reassurance on demand. Life doesn't work like that. People don't have to 'check in' with you at least once every 24 hrs to satisfy your insecurities and it most certainly is unreasonable to expect that from other people.

I wouldn't like this either OP.

Especially if I can see he is online, so clearly has the time, energy and motivation to message SOMEONE, but not you, his partner? Who has explicitly expressed you like him to stay in touch when away from you.

It's not needy! It's pretty standard. If my other half was away and i didnt hear from him for 24 hours I'd think something was wrong. Just a little check in, to show you're on his mind, is not much to ask for in my book.

Dh travels for business and he always phones me every day. If he’d travels somewhere and hadn’t contacted me for 72 hours I’d think he was either dead or in hospital unconscious. We’ve been married 33 years, he went on a trip this week and phoned me as soon as he got there.

@stircraziness I don’t think there’s much else you can do other than end the relationship, he’s not going to change despite you telling him how you really would appreciate a text. He just can’t be bothered 😞

This isn’t ok. You’re asking for so little, you’ve discussed it before, he’s actively choosing not to do the one very quick small thing that he could to make things ok with you. I’m in a similar ish relationship and we text daily at sone point no matter what.

id just wait it out for now and finish things calmly when he gets back on the basis that you’ve asked for change and he clearly can’t do it.

OP, he doesn’t want to communicate with you every day and he’s not going to do it because it’s not important to him. You need to decide whether to put up with it or whether to end the relationship over it. because those are your two choices. I would not like to feel I had to stay in touch with my DP every day or he’d start crying. To me that would feel really controlling and unattractive.

100%

I don’t think the level of communication you want is at all unreasonable.

To me (and it has happened to me), it made me feel out of sight, very quickly out of mind.

But even worse is that your guy can see you online 😐.

I ended the relationship because of it.

Call me cynical, but I think he liked having control over it (knowing that I liked balanced communication).

But it had to be on his terms (nothing for days and days) and he very much under-estimated my strength of character - that I wasn’t going to put up with it and be the underdog.

Why do you need these daily texts? Start there. Maybe he dislikes them or find them tedious.

Personally, I think it’s a little OTT to expect a daily text/WhatsApp. I wouldn’t do it myself, and nor would DH. But you’ve asked him to, and he doesn’t want to, clearly.

Me and DP are on different continents but we message multiple times daily and chat on the phone at least once per day. It would be very strange if we didn't have any daily contact at all and I wouldn't like it either

Some people are really good at communicating in writing on whatsapp and suchlike. I have a friend who reads much more interesting than he is in real life. I am much more interesting in real life and am hopeless at whatsapp messages.

It seems to me silly for the OP to break up with someone just because they aren't on the same page regarding whatsapp. There are so many much more serious problems you can have in a relationship

I'm with someone very similar, and we're in a long distance relationship. I would HATE if my DP was working away and didn't contact me for days, even if we were living together.

I genuinely think it's okay to feel how you are feeling. Ultimately you will get hundreds of different opinions on here but YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. No-one gets to tell you that how you feel doesn't matter. I'd say this is a pretty glaring incompatibility and, in your shoes, I'd walk. The only reason I'm not doing the same in my relationship is that my partner and I are really trying hard to meet in the middle, and bridge the gap between our different communication styles. We're only a year in though. Maybe in 4 years, I'll be writing your post.
I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do, whatever that is. Feeling loved and valued in a relationship, feeling considered and part of someone's life, is perfectly normal, it's okay to want that. Sounds like this man can't give you that.

This thread is pretty split between people who relate to you op and people who relate to your dp.
It's pretty clear to me that neither style of communication is wrong both are understandable and valid.
So talk to him. In a genuine two-way conversation where you try to really get him and help him get you. Check he feels you matter, properly listen to each other. Talk about how a compromise can be found which strikes a balance and is sustainable.
Have previous conversations about this had a balance? I wonder as you seem unable to put yourself in the shoes of someone who doesn't need that level of contact like @Jellycatspyjamas said.

If a good conversation is possible you have a way forward, if its not don't make yourself ill, make a choice.