Can you pull me back from the edge? He doesn't realise how checking in is important to me

[stircraziness]

Have a partner of 4 years. We both work a lot, have DC, and live apart (both 45) so our time is quite stretched. We have all through the relationship had a tension around him keeping in touch with me when he is away or busy. It's just something that's important to me (I mean one whatsapp in 24 hours at the very least, I don't mean constant calling or texting throughout the day.)

But sometimes he just doesn't reach out to me and it kills me. I see him online but I don't get anything. What's so strange is that when we are physically together he is very attentive, even to the point I find him too much. Eg he wants to go everywhere together, eat together, watch TV together. He doesn't understand why we'd be in the same physical location and do all these things apart.

Over the years I have got really upset about it and he has apologised and bombarded me with calls, or becomes like a robot and texts me at the same time every day - eg "just sending you the daily text," to appear consistent, but that obviously feels like he does not want to reach out to me.

Anyway now it's happening again. He left for the US 48 hours ago and I have heard nothing. I have seen him online a lot - just not messaging me! I refuse to reach out to him at this point but I just feel so upset about it. Last night I did not sleep because of it, just watching him go on and offline.

I am always at the point of yelling him or just going completely quiet and cutting him out

What would you do?

I think it’s normal to keep in touch daily while apart, not needy. When we are apart we do check in, but usually that’s not necessary because we are communicating naturally about every day things.

I think he doesn’t have the need, and is selfish enough to ignore your need despite now being aware of it.

Not sure where you go from here. My childish tendency would be to ignore him until he worries about it. I am not suggesting that, but I do hate anyone having that much power over your emotions and not caring about how it makes you feel.

I think my DH would probably be crap at texting if he worked away.

What happens if you text and say, ‘have you arrived ok-how’s everything going? Good flight?’

If he is still online with other people and ignores your message, that would be quite telling.

If he is online all day and night, why are all those people more important for him to engage with than you?

How do you know he’s engaging with other people? I show online a lot because I use my phone for work stuff, browsing etc, most of that time I’m not chatting to anyone much less checking WhatsApp etc but apps would show me as being online - I am but I’m busy doing other things.

I don't understand why people think it's needy and controlling of me to want a text saying he has arrived safely and asking how I am? I don't think that is needy.

Of course you don’t think it’s needy, because it’s something you want in a relationship. Personally I don’t need daily contact so, for me, someone that wanted to hear from me every day would feel needy. Neither preference is right or wrong, but there needs to be compromises made to accommodate the other. When he did that (just checking in) you weren’t happy either. You can’t change someone’s preference - when I’m away on business I would just get on with what I was doing, days working away would be long and hectic, needing to check in at home would feel like just another task whereas taking time when I had time to be more present (might be while I was away, might be when I got home) felt more meaningful.

Different strokes for different folk.

It isn't needy. I will never understand people who get into relationships, share a house and finances and kids, and live their entire lives with a person but don't have much to talk about. So communicating isn't fun to them, it's a chore. It's not about need, it's about having a person you think of when you see something funny you want to share, or tell them what your boss said or discuss the news.

All the people saying it's needy, also need monogamy. If anyone is really secure why do they need commitment from just one person, in the first place?

There's billions of couples out there who like talking to each other every day. Because unless someone is sat at home alone all day contacting no one, they are talking to someone.

My DP grew up in a household with parents who just co-existed. No friendship between them. So he wasn't used to regular contact or friendship in relationships. But when we started going out he organically started doing it - because he liked it, he said I was his favourite person to talk to. I had an ex previously a bit like your man - lasted a few months and then I told him i had more contact with my vibrator than him, he got dumped.

So no, not needy, this man just can't give you what you want.

Why do you put yourself through all this all the time?

It's up to you whether you enjoy the self-inflicted pain or not.

You are obviously both nice people but just have different needs, I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, maybe end the relationship if it’s causing you stress and anxiety, no point being unhappy. To be balanced I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, I think I’m more like your partner as I couldn’t be done with daily phone calls or texts either, I love my husband I know he loves me we definitely don’t call and text daily when he works away from home.

It isn't needy at all! My partner has been away for the last 2 months (comes home today!, yay!!!) and he always checks in when he travelling. Just to say he's landed or checked in etc. we both work through the days so don't have much contact but we'll always FaceTime in the eve if we are both free.

Don't let people make you feel abnormal or needy for expecting him to just let you know he got there ok etc. you have told him and he should respect that.

Your feelings are completely normal OP x

How do you know he’s engaging with other people? I show online a lot because I use my phone for work stuff, browsing etc, most of that time I’m not chatting to anyone much less checking WhatsApp etc but apps would show me as being online - I am but I’m busy doing other things.

This is something I always think whenever people comment about their partner being online. I use my phone for so many things other than messaging. Not to mention if you have the WhatsApp webpage open, it'll show you as online when you might not be anywhere near your laptop.

Monitoring whether someone's online or not is firstly very smothering and secondly not necessarily accurate.

Because unless someone is sat at home alone all day contacting no one, they are talking to someone.

Well, I've had many days sat at home alone contacting no one (bliss). But yes, I sometimes message friends instead of DP, that's perfectly normal. It doesn't mean I'm choosing them over him.

Do you have joint DC or just both have separate dc? this would change my advice!

I agree you don’t sound like a good match for each other - your needs aren’t being met by this relationship, when you are apart or when you are together.

if you have joint dc, I’d suggest joint counselling to see if you can make each other see the other side, but if not, then I’m not sure I’d put the effort in to try to fix it.

I don't understand why you need him to act first. You are both grown ups, you are both on-line, you've been together 4 years. Just send him a message saying 'hi, how was your flight?'
When I work abroad I'm usually busy dealing with work stuff and on a different time zone, plus sorting hotel/food/overseas colleagues/ hire car. I'm there to work. You do seem a bit 'me, me, me'. I usually call home at 5pm US time which is midnight here because that's when I finish work.

But if it really makes you unhappy, maybe you need someone different.

Over the years I have got really upset about it and he has apologised and bombarded me with calls, or becomes like a robot and texts me at the same time every day - eg "just sending you the daily text," to appear consistent, but that obviously feels like he does not want to reach out to me.

I think you are being difficult here, OP. He has done what you wanted yet you were still not happy with that? Yes it's always good to have confirmation that someone has landed safely etc. But if he does this when you complain about it, and you're still not satisfied, then you have a problem.

I think I’d be inclined to leave him be, you can see he’s still in the land of the living by virtue of the fact he’s on line.
This is in an issue that needs face to face discussion when he gets home - why don’t you make your own online presence invisible to him now? If he’s not bothering to contact you he may of course not notice you’re not on social media, but if he does, it might prompt him to contact you to see if you are ok

I don't think it's 'needy' to expect one text every 24 hours - but it is needier than him IYSWIM. He simply doesn't need that, and finds it hard to understand why you do, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Honestly I think you should either accept this or split up. You've tried asking him and you didn't like his response. Now you're at the game-playing, driving yourself mad stage.

Just to let you know, I don't expect my DH to contact me at least once a day when he's away. He usually would, but sometimes it will be more than that and I'll be fine. I not saying you're wrong but just that we're all different.

Hi OP, I wonder whether you feel secure in this relationship? I would take some time to tune into what your body and mind are telling you.

Put aside everything and ponder this.

I've seen this before.

It's like you're really not part of his everyday life.
You get together have a great time, sex, etc. but then he goes back to his everyday life and you're not a part of it. It's probably mostly on his terms too.

After 4 years, this is no way to be with someone. Even if you live apart and are busy, you think you'd be more a part of each other's everyday life than just a blitz and then crickets

Agree with @ganvough @Sunshineandflipflops but I do sympathise, OP - my BF can be similar and it does make you question your importance to them sometimes.

Agree.

Partners aren't required to be our therapists. You need to work on yourself, not force him to change to accommodate your extreme anxiety.

I couldn't be with someone who obsessed over "check in" messages. Lead a busy productive life and you won't have time for such things.

Hes on his phone and able to message other people
he knows it upsets you when he doesn’t drop you a message
he’s choosing not to do it anyway
so what more do you need to know?

the love language stuff as an excuse is nonsense, you’re not asking him to change his entire personality you’re asking for one message in 24 hours. Could just be ‘landed, all ok, speak soon’
dh and I have different love languages, we make an effort though to do the things the other likes or needs because we aren’t selfish dicks.

one message in 24 hours isn’t a big ask. And ‘the daily check in’ thing doesn’t sound like he’s being robotic to me it sounds like he’s being passive agressive to make a point
I couldn’t be arsed.

you do need to look at why you’re allowing yourself to watch him go on and off line and torturing yourself, and why the whole thing is bothering you so much to make you Ill.
then you need to figure out why you’re choosing to stay with him given that’s the case.

Everyone who is saying it’s not his style to check in, communicate regularly etc , he seems to be online a lot communicating to other people. Why can’t he send op a quick hello text.
when you love someone, hopefully you think about them each day and can manage a ten second text. Jeez

Do you text him and ask him how he is?
Did he land safely etc?

I don’t think couples need to text everyday and I think if you want that, then you need to be the one to reach out to him.

Because he isn't interested!

This is a dead duck.

I’d have therapy.

Everyone who is saying it’s not his style to check in, communicate regularly etc , he seems to be online a lot communicating to other people. Why can’t he send op a quick hello text.

when you love someone, hopefully you think about them each day and can manage a ten second text. Jeez

OP is also online a lot so could check in with him and he could be online for work purposes.

Also OP said that he used to texted but it was too robotic as he was doing it just because she wanted him to, so a quick hello text to keep her happy, probably won’t be received well.

The not contacting would make me very anxious. DP died in a RTA on way home from work so I get huge anxiety if say one of the DDs drives home from here , I need to know they get home ok. If your dp knows it causes you anxiety and doesn’t just message to say hi I’m here, all ok then he’s ignoring your needs, and possibly doing it to be controlling ? I’d call it a day, not worth the stress.

I get you. My H was often away for his job before phones and internet. He rarely made the effort even when away for long time.There was a standing joke: he would say oh sorry I didn’t ring, I was having a nap, we were all going for a curry, there was a queue for the (landline) phone, and I would reply… and then your arms and legs fell off! He couldn’t even manage to send me a birthday card.

I have since realised it’s about the headspace the other partner occupies. I think I’m normal and he is in my thoughts when we are not together. It’s just the little things. So if he’s away (anything from a day to three weeks), I might see something he likes and buy it for him, or plan ahead a nice meal when he gets back, or if leaving the house, I will check he has a key before I lockup, remind him about appointments etc etc, and obviously send texts or call.

I have realised my husband is out of sight out of mind. He once organised the date for us to host a BBQ without consulting me. I wasn’t away, I was just in the next room. He just doesn’t think about me when I’m not with him, or if he’s busy. I did in fact get phone calls from him when he was overseas but was mainly there was a problem (he’s lost his luggage- I needed to call the insurers), or it was the weekend and he was bored.

I don’t know if it’s a female/male thing. I do believe he is intrinsically more selfish and lazy than I am.

I have no solution to offer as it is one of the many many reasons I am now leaving him.

He should be doing it even if just because it matters to you. Can you think of an example which is reversed, something you do for him simply because you care, and explain it in those terms?