Age gap

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How much of an age gap is too large? I say 10-15 years is no biggie but others think wildly inappropriate, thoughts?
and at what age is a large age gap ‘appropriate’?

18 year olds are totally different to 23 year olds. 30 and 35 year olds are at a similar life stage.

They would’ve grown up in societies very different to one another (society and tech are different to how it was even less than 10 years ago).

For people of average intelligence, is the difference in everyday tech a real issue with a ten year gap?

of course I realise people lead different lives, and there’s always ‘ah yeah but’ examples. I still see lots of couples in a professional
capacity and a discordance in age often adds other issues. Just because they love each other, doesn’t mean the issues don’t exist.

I still see lots of couples in a professional capacity and a discordance in age often adds other issues. Just because they love each other, doesn’t mean the issues don’t exist.

Would you be seeing them if they didn’t have any issues?

You could say the same for people from different countries, cultures, races, or social classes too - many people have transversed those boundaries, yet age seems to be a sticking point for some.

I wonder if those people take the same stand with nationality, race or class differences, and if not, why not?

As one of those with an "inappropriate" age gap (me being much older), I think some of the prejudices against us are false and others have some truth.

True:
Financial disparity, which is more obvious as you approach retirement and wish the other person had already "done their bit" too!

Neutral:
Life experience and wisdom: My DH, though much younger, has a wise head on his shoulders

Growing up in a different world: He grew up in a Soviet country, which had much in common with my own childhood (no rampant consumerism)
Musical tastes etc: He keeps me in touch with new stuff that we both enjoy, but obviously we don't get to bop around to old favourites together (except stuff from the last decade, that we shared at the time)
Technology: We're both fairly IT savvy, but again he keeps me posted on the latest developments. It's not like I stare aghast and go "B-b-but what is this newfangled nonsense?!"

False:
I'm not a sex-crazed cougar in denial about getting older
He didn't marry me for an easier life, although he undoubtedly gets one

I suspect the biggest unspoken judgement we get from others is them wondering if he will fancy me in a few years' time, and shuddering to think of the more distant future when (if I live that long) I will be a wrinkly old hag. But to be honest, this is not really important to either of us. He's had so much fun in the past that beautiful girls hold no special fascination for him, and I am glad to be ageing with someone who cares more about my soul than my body.

Yes. I’m an IFA so I see people with money. I’ve just realised over time that unless you’re very wealthy the age gap adds financial issues that people haven’t thought about.

@Alcemeg that’s really interesting as it’s the financial disparity that I see. I’m not judging people, but I’m unfailingly practical and it def adds pressure.

Yes, you're definitely right. It occurred to me fairly recently that if I'd married someone my own age, who had already stashed away their pension etc, I'd have a lot more financial security and might even be enjoying my retirement already; which is a bit of a "d'oh!" moment when you realise that at an older age, every year counts. It's the fly in the ointment, for sure. But everything worth having comes at a price, and I'd rather be in this relationship than in one that offers more financial security but less complete mutual understanding.

Financial disparity isn't always an issue though.

I'm the older, I have a lot of equity in my house, I own my car outright, a good career, and my pensions are ticking along. DP, however, has significant savings, owns a business property, and has a career that means he has high earning potential.

If he wants to retire when I plan to, that is absolutely feasible.

We have more financial parity than many couples of the same or similar ages. My friend works in Tesco, her boyfriend is an engineer. Noone ever even considers their financial disparity - but it's one of the first things they think about in an age gap relationship.

You find it interesting that people are answering the question they have been asked? In your experience, what generally happens when people are asked a direct question?

And, for some reason, you felt the need to tell said people that their opinions don’t matter. But, nope, not complaining. Sure.

Of course, some people can support non working spouses, some people are high earners, etc etc, but MOST people rely on state pensions to top up private savings and there’s def financial pressure when choosing to retire early (early these days is 60, not the 55 it used to be!). People work fewer years and save much less now. No it’s not the end of the world, but age becomes a factor when £9500 of income is linked to a particular birthday.

I’ve just realised over time that unless you’re very wealthy the age gap adds financial issues that people haven’t thought about.

That’s interesting. My husband is 13 years older than me. I have a well paid job but I wouldn’t describe us as wealthy. His income is pretty much the same as mine, despite being retired. He has no need of financial support from me.

@Weirdlynormal I'm sure you see lots of couples in your professional capacity with no age difference who have issues. Does that mean people with no age difference shouldn't be together either?

When people talk about financial issues and pension ages are they saying it's hard on the older person because they will have greater assets as they are older so end up supporting or subsiding the younger person or that the younger person will be working for years after the older one has retired thus subsidising the older person. Gee. It's almost like it could swing either way.

The snag is that the older person shouldn't need any subsidising because they've already spent the past 8 million years working to build up some sort of cushion; and although the younger person might easily end up contributing just as much in the long run, they might also get hit by a bus before having the chance to catch up, or the older person might just drop dead before feeling the benefit! As you get proper old, you start to see your peers getting sick and dying, which can put a new perspective on making the most of life and having the means to do so.

It's less about age and more about attitude. I'm married to a younger man but his age in years does not reflect his personality. We are suited because I don't act the age you would expect me to so in the middle we meet and in our heads we are basically the same age.

But what makes the difference is we want the same thing so life is easy and free of conflict between us. Most men his age would sniff at doing what he's doing, living a family life with a child.

Our gap is more than 10 years.

Perhaps have a go at reading what I’ve said, not what you’ve imagined.

It really depends on health situation, the type of person they are, I’m happily married to a fantastic man 5 years younger than myself! My ex was 5 years older than myself I’m 65, but for me a big age gap wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t be on the same wave length as someone of 75, I have a friend who is 58 her partner is 73 and she’s been bored with him for more years than I care to mention, just does her own thing, which is sad, has affairs, works for some these big age groups sometimes when younger, but when you have big age differences I think you have to consider how you are going to feel as you get older

I am 11 years older than my DP. Been together 4 years and we honestly don't notice the age gap. He's 29, I'm 40.
He doesn't have his own DC but is a fantastic step dad to my 2 (9 and 12 yo)

I think age is just a number to an extent, depends on peoples life experiences/ personality etc. I certainly never set out to meet a younger man but we seem to work 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it lasts until one of you needs care or is just not physically as capable anymore. No one in their early 50s wants to be a carer when their working lives are at their peak or winding down to freedom. People in 50s with much younger partners need to be honest with themselves about it.

@Alcemeg but many older people rely on their pensions. They haven't got a big cushion. So being with someone still earning can be very advantageous.

Sure, but that can happen to couples who are the same age too.

One person could have a debilitating stroke by 65 and the other could stay relatively fit and healthy well into their 80s. There are no guarantees.

For sure @DirectionToPerfection but that's just whataboutism. Being incapacitated or just feeble is far more likely to be the case in your 70s/80s than in your 40s. If you are in a long term relationship with a person in their 70s and you are in your 40s, you will at some point, in all likelihood be their carer . That's just a statistical likelihood.

@AnuSTart If you're talking decades of a difference, I agree, but several posters on this thread seem to think 5 years is a large difference. I think in the 5-10 year range it's by no means a certainty that one party will be a carer for the other.