Age gap

[Qwertyasdfgz]

How much of an age gap is too large? I say 10-15 years is no biggie but others think wildly inappropriate, thoughts?
and at what age is a large age gap ‘appropriate’?

Age really isn’t just a number. And someone who is e.g. 70 isn’t like a 50 year old. They may be in good health, they may be fairly fit, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re 70.

And I question the motives of some age gap relationships. E.g. when a famous star ends up with a woman 50 years younger than him I assume that he wants to be seen with a younger woman, and I assume that she’s a gold digger. I don’t believe for a second that it is possible to love someone who is 50 years older than you.

@Whattaweapon retiring early isn’t an option for very many. You then spend longer (statistically) as a widow/widower.

As I said, life isn’t always ideal. However, yes my position and logic is that someone of the same age and stage IS best, but clearly that’s not always where life takes one.

A large age gap, imo, is anything over 10 years.

• People at very different stages in their lives. Highly unlikely to be equal or balanced. People claim they are (someone will be along shortly to tell me how very equal their age gap relationship is), but said alleged equality rarely stands up to much scrutiny.
• The tendency skews older man/younger woman. Which is deeply embedded in misogyny and the patriarchal structure. Older, bigger, generally more financially secure man and younger, smaller, dependent woman. The classic trope. It’s distasteful and society is thankfully slowly moving away from it.
• The above also further bolsters the fetishisation of female youth.
• I have less strong views about much older woman/much younger man relationships, as they aren’t steeped in harmful misogyny and are still rare enough (and judged enough) that they are likely to be the real deal, as opposed to transactional. However, my first point still applies.

No dictionary defines a specific age cut off for a peer group.

Of course we grow and develop over time, though I would say a person's core personality and values tends to remain the same.

By your logic, nobody should have a long term relationship at all as we're constantly changing.

Actually a five year gap, with the woman being the elder, is perfect if you look at life expectancy figures.

I agree with your point about age gaps in general, I just don't believe five years constitutes any sort of significant gap. Ten years plus, sure.

You read the beginning of the sentence, yes?

I wouldn’t say a relationship would be inappropriate, but I wouldn’t consider them peers, no.

So, please explain how ‘by my logic, nobody should have a long term relationship at all as we're constantly changing.’ Dazzle me with your explanation of how ‘my logic’ is the opposite of what I said.

Usually I think that under about 25 years old age gaps of two or three, maybe four years are the maximum that feels healthy, but once both parties are past their mid twenties up to ten years.

I think where one party is young the crucial thing is the power balance in the relationship. Healthy relationships are more or less relationships of equals.

Later as well as equal power (financial, life experiences, worldly knowledge, etc) it's important to be at the same or compatible life stages with similar outlook and "big" lifeplan (in terms of children, travel, work/ retirement), and this is more likely with an age gap under ten years, ideally less.

There are always exceptions and I think its more universal that age gap relationships are unequal/ unhealthy/ potentially abusive if one partner is under 25 ish.

Agree with all of this.

15 years between me and DH. We’ve been together ten years, known each other for 15.

He’s everything to me. I love him, not his birth certificate.

DH is late 30s, I'm in my early 60s. Together nearly a decade, married 7 years.

We would never have contemplated such a big age gap if we weren't ridiculously compatible. Being with each other feels as comfortable as being alone, and this is something neither of us has ever experienced with anyone else. It's a sense of complete emotional and intellectual safety, no need to endure bullshit of any kind.

He's under no illusions about what the future holds, although at the same time there is no guarantee that I will be the first to fall off the perch!

A few years ago it had been similar a arrangement with me and a lady friend, think 25, and lady late 50's, primarily just for companionship rather than an official relationship, due to how people would think.

12 yrs between DP and I.
No issues at all.
Some of the posts in this thread are sheer fantasy built on assumptions and jealousy.
People can date and marry whom ever they want.

For me no more than 5-7 years. But I think 10 yrs is fine after late 30s

I find it interesting how people are asserting what is "acceptable" or "appropriate" as if their opinion actually holds any sway.

The only people whose opinions matter are those in the relationship.

As long as all parties are consenting adults, people can see who they want. Nobody is stopping them.

However, the OP asks for people’s views on what is appropriate. Quite literally, in fact. People are responding. I don’t get coming on a thread where people have been asked their opinions to complain about people stating their opinions.

I said I find it interesting, because I do. Where's the complaint?

5 years

My husband is 20 years older but looks and has fitness levels at least 15 years younger than his age, so I had no idea until he told me. It didn't put me off and we've been married 17 years with two children 🙂

I'm 57 and husband is 74... We are still really happy and comfortable together after 31 years of marriage. We have supported some of our dearest friends where husband have walked out at any age, died of sudden illness in 40s - 70s, suffered long term with debilitating illness in their 40s onwards... Some couples live without serious issues for decades, some live unhappily for ages. It seems it's a minority of couples who can live long term together with equality and genuine contentment.
If people are happy together, age will not impact how they live together when both are well.
Now, although we have friends across a wide age range, I have to say, I realise that some of my husband's older acquaintances are really rather frail - they have been sedentary and retiring all their lives and now their topics of conversation revolve around hospital appointments and various symptoms.
So it's a tricky one... You may be lucky with an older husband, as I have been... You may be in a relationship that keeps your husband young and active and positive.
Look at him carefully... And treasure him if he is the one!

My friend who is 44 has just married an 80 year old. She says he doesn’t look or seem 80. He really, really does. His children are nearly 20 years older than her.

It's just a "what do you think"? post. People are giving their opinions. Why do you think this shouldn't be allowed?

For me it all comes down to whether there's an equal balance of power, although I sometimes wonder about whether posts are clickbait for not so genuine posters trying to plant the seeds of doubt for readers lacking aelf esteem to accept unequal and potentially abusive relationships.

Wow. That's crazy. To think that being on this earth 6 or 7 years longer or less than another person would be such an issue for you. You don't seem to realise that people have vastly different experiences so someone could have lived fewer years than you but experienced so much more. You could be way easier worldly, way less travelled, way less educated, way less experienced in relationships...in almost everything than someone years younger than you.

What a strangely regimented view you have. The poster a couple after you talks about their dp being a student. Not everyone lives a cookie cutter life.

I know right. It's hysterical.... doom and gloom. The menopause 😵‍💫

I agree with this. Also, even if the younger person is in their late 20s, if they’re dating someone old enough to be their parent then I think there’s a power imbalance again. They would’ve grown up in societies very different to one another (society and tech are different to how it was even less than 10 years ago).

There’s women in this thread with a bigger relationship age gap than the one between my parents and I. Age is not ‘just a number’ especially when the older person is of (or close to) retirement age (60s) and the other has 10-20 years left before they can retire.