Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Age gap

134 replies

Qwertyasdfgz · 13/10/2022 21:57

How much of an age gap is too large? I say 10-15 years is no biggie but others think wildly inappropriate, thoughts?
and at what age is a large age gap ‘appropriate’?

OP posts:
xfan · 14/10/2022 23:12

For all those with a large age gap, none of you have been with your partners that long for the gap to be really felt (give it 10 years or more). And for the men, they still have time to leave you, they haven't yet but they still might when they realise they want their own family

HighlandPony · 14/10/2022 23:38

There’s no right or wrong answer. My in laws have a 13 year age gap with my mother in law just seven years older than one of her step daughters, my maternal grandparents had a 19 year age gap, at 17 my gran married my 36 year old widowed grandad and they were together happily for 53 years till she died. My parents had a four year age gap and if you look up the definition of “folk who should not be married” you’d see their pictures tbh. Age isn’t everything. If it’s right for you then grab it. Don’t even bother what anyone else thinks about it.

PinotPony · 15/10/2022 00:24

xfan · 14/10/2022 23:12

For all those with a large age gap, none of you have been with your partners that long for the gap to be really felt (give it 10 years or more). And for the men, they still have time to leave you, they haven't yet but they still might when they realise they want their own family

And why is that a problem...? Are you assuming that we all want to remain with the same person indefinitely..?

Azandme · 15/10/2022 00:26

xfan · 14/10/2022 23:12

For all those with a large age gap, none of you have been with your partners that long for the gap to be really felt (give it 10 years or more). And for the men, they still have time to leave you, they haven't yet but they still might when they realise they want their own family

My dad and his wife have the same age gap as DP and I - they've been married 30 years.

You're assuming we haven't considered the things you mention, of course we have.

Yes of course he might leave me - hell I might leave him, but that can happen in any relationship. The breakdown of a previous relationship (with an age gap you'd deem appropriate, no less!) is why I was available when I met DP.

Is "might" a good enough reason to walk away from love? By that reasoning noone should ever get into ANY relationship! 🤣

You don't approve, or understand - and that's fine, my relationship requires neither.

Realtorite · 15/10/2022 04:17

I'm 58 and my partner is 38. Works brilliantly. 6 years together now. Obviously I questioned it a lot at first & struggled with the age gap but he genuinely adores me and he did a lot of reassuring to my initial insecurity about the relationship. He doesn't want children either so that's not a problem. (I have adult children).I am very fit and look younger which probably helps.
It's about chemistry, partnership, teamwork, caring, kindness, humour, bonding, support, fancying each other and now after a few years, shared history. That's what makes a relationship work.

littleburn · 15/10/2022 10:11

xfan · 14/10/2022 23:12

For all those with a large age gap, none of you have been with your partners that long for the gap to be really felt (give it 10 years or more). And for the men, they still have time to leave you, they haven't yet but they still might when they realise they want their own family

And we could be with someone exactly the same age and they could leave for any number of reasons (see the posts on this board), or any of the women in this thread could also choose to leave their partner for any number of reasons. That's life 🤷🏻‍♀️

littleburn · 15/10/2022 10:18

There's some weird policing of older/'menopausal' women's relationships and behaviour coming out on this thread!

Relationships don't have to be forever - and unless we all die in our beds next to the person we dated at 18 we all 'fail' on that score. Age can certainly be a factor in an 'age gap' relationship failing, but is that any better or worse than the many other reasons a relationship can fail, whatever the ages of those involved? Having kids and parenting can place huge pressures on a relationship too!

Tsort · 15/10/2022 10:23

I don’t think they are ever appropriate, tbh.

Spaceprincess · 15/10/2022 10:55

I have a big age gap with DP.
He's 32 I'm 51.
We get on great and don't really think about it. He never wants kids and I have more energy and in better health than him at least right now.
No one knows what's round the corner.

Spaceprincess · 15/10/2022 11:01

@Ofcourseshecan didn't you know at menopause you turn overnight into a shrivelled old hag with no desire for anything and your fanny literally seals shut??

BayCityTrolls · 15/10/2022 11:16

14 years between dh and I, we’ve been together more than 25 years with 2 dses now both at university.

It’s worked for us although retirement planning was always tricky. Dh has a good pension and retired not long ago, I am far too young to retire at 48 but will look at stepping back in 4-5 years when our dses are through university. I’m in a management role currently so it will just be dropping a level or 2, no plans to give up work until 60ish.

ManAboutTown · 15/10/2022 11:20

I'm 50s - I would say 5 years either way no problem.

More than that older than me I would worry that the physical side of the relationship would peter out before I am ready. Could probably do more than 5 years younger but would worry that things would get difficult for my partner a few years down the track

Longerthanfiveweeks · 15/10/2022 12:23

Age is just a number

Why do people say this shit?

The older I get the more and more I realise it’s not bloody true. It’s really bloody not. My body and I are not, in any way, my 30 year old self.

Whattaweapon · 15/10/2022 12:32

Weirdlynormal · 13/10/2022 22:00

I see age gaps and causing a disjoint in peoples lives: one person wanting to retire, the other too young to contemplate it financially.

Any more than 3 or 4 years is going much in my view

Are you really saying that a 33 year old and a 38 year old are vastly different? And that a relationship between them would be inappropriate?

I think it's easy to say "I'd only go out with someone 3 years older or younger" in theory. But then if you meet someone who is perfect for you and you're madly in love, are you really going to say "sorry, there's 6 years between us so it can't possibly work"? That would be batshit.

A friend of mine had a long term relationship with a man one year older than her, and he was an immature arse who broke her heart. She's now married to a lovely man five years younger and they're so happy and well suited.

Tsort · 15/10/2022 12:40

Whattaweapon · 15/10/2022 12:32

Are you really saying that a 33 year old and a 38 year old are vastly different? And that a relationship between them would be inappropriate?

I think it's easy to say "I'd only go out with someone 3 years older or younger" in theory. But then if you meet someone who is perfect for you and you're madly in love, are you really going to say "sorry, there's 6 years between us so it can't possibly work"? That would be batshit.

A friend of mine had a long term relationship with a man one year older than her, and he was an immature arse who broke her heart. She's now married to a lovely man five years younger and they're so happy and well suited.

Show quote history

I definitely think the average 33 year old and the average 38 year old are at very different stages, yes. I wouldn’t say a relationship would be inappropriate, but I wouldn’t consider them peers, no.

Whattaweapon · 15/10/2022 12:43

Tsort · 15/10/2022 12:40

I definitely think the average 33 year old and the average 38 year old are at very different stages, yes. I wouldn’t say a relationship would be inappropriate, but I wouldn’t consider them peers, no.

Show quote history

I find that absolutely bizarre.

There is nothing remotely unusual or inappropriate about a five year age gap, unless one party is a teenager.

DirectionToPerfection · 15/10/2022 12:51

Tsort · 15/10/2022 12:40

I definitely think the average 33 year old and the average 38 year old are at very different stages, yes. I wouldn’t say a relationship would be inappropriate, but I wouldn’t consider them peers, no.

Show quote history

How exactly do you define peers? Only people within a year or two of each other?

Of course 33 and 38 are peers. They are very much of the same generation and will have shared a lot of similar experiences and cultural references.

I have friends 4-5 years older than me and consider them a similar age to me, they are absolutely my peers. They haven't experienced a vastly different life to me due to their age.

MysteryCallWTF · 15/10/2022 12:56

xfan · 14/10/2022 23:12

For all those with a large age gap, none of you have been with your partners that long for the gap to be really felt (give it 10 years or more). And for the men, they still have time to leave you, they haven't yet but they still might when they realise they want their own family

Huh? Me and DH have been together for 20 years. We've raised DD. I mean, of course he could leave me - but I could just as easily leave him. Theoretically (absolutely no chance in reality!). One thing's for sure, it wouldn't be because of the age difference. It just has no bearing whatsoever on our lives.

Your comment is really quite nasty.

MysteryCallWTF · 15/10/2022 12:59

Tsort · 15/10/2022 10:23

I don’t think they are ever appropriate, tbh.

Why not?

Whatsnextfor · 15/10/2022 13:16

I’m 41 my boyfriend is 30, dating for 2 yrs, I have 2 children from previous marriage, seems to work fine but who knows how things will work out

Weirdlynormal · 15/10/2022 13:18

@Whattaweapon well is not a cliff edge, but 63 and 68 is starting to feel a bit more pressured. One happy to work and no state pension, the other totally over it. Each year it starts to exaggerate this. So ideally, no, no more than 3 or 4 years. Life isn’t always ideal

Tsort · 15/10/2022 13:29

Whattaweapon · 15/10/2022 12:43

I find that absolutely bizarre.

There is nothing remotely unusual or inappropriate about a five year age gap, unless one party is a teenager.

Show quote history

I didn’t say a relationship would be unusual or inappropriate, so I find your comment bizarre.

Tsort · 15/10/2022 13:31

DirectionToPerfection · 15/10/2022 12:51

How exactly do you define peers? Only people within a year or two of each other?

Of course 33 and 38 are peers. They are very much of the same generation and will have shared a lot of similar experiences and cultural references.

I have friends 4-5 years older than me and consider them a similar age to me, they are absolutely my peers. They haven't experienced a vastly different life to me due to their age.

Show quote history

I define peers the standard way, that’s in the dictionary. If you think people don’t develop substantially in half a decade, that’s certainly your prerogative. I disagree.

Whattaweapon · 15/10/2022 13:35

Weirdlynormal · 15/10/2022 13:18

@Whattaweapon well is not a cliff edge, but 63 and 68 is starting to feel a bit more pressured. One happy to work and no state pension, the other totally over it. Each year it starts to exaggerate this. So ideally, no, no more than 3 or 4 years. Life isn’t always ideal

By that logic it only makes sense to marry someone the exact same age as you. It's just not realistic.

I don't think one person retiring a few years before the other is that big a deal. Chances are the older one brought more financial security in the early stages of the relationship so it evens out.

The couple can try to plan their retirements and save so the younger one can retire early, if they wish to.

notputtingtheheatingon · 15/10/2022 13:37

I know someone who's been married (for over 20 years) to a woman who is 30 years older than him. They adore each other. What works for other consenting adults isn't any of my business. That's how I see it!