Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts on this guy giving me the ick

144 replies

apricotsandroses · 13/10/2022 08:36

So a guy I've been dating is starting to give me the famous "ick" - some of these reasons are obviously ridiculous but some of them are red flags right? It's been about 2 months & we're both late twenties.

  • keeps referencing that he's in love with me when I'm obviously uncomfortable (I said it back once about a month ago after too much to drink but I do not feel this way and have not said it since)
  • when he says he loves me or misses me and I don't respond to that part of the message he replies with "harsh"
  • when I say I have to go when we're on the phone he whines and says "5 more mins" which always turns into ages
  • when out for a drink and I only want to stay for one he always pushes and pushes for me to stay out later with him
  • he sends photos of his dinner every night and asks in detail what I'm having for dinner and what the recipe is
  • always says "yummy"
  • acts really mopey if we're out with a group of other people and I'm talking to other people and not him for a while
  • is really over the top when I'm ill or walking home alone - "couldn't sleep until I know you're better/safe" "it's all I think about" "I just care about your well-being and safety so much"
  • always boasted about being good at sport and when I watched him he was AWFUL
  • always double texts if I don't text back within 30 mins
  • sends super long goodnight texts every single night that are soooo soppy in reply to my "goodnight! Talk tomorrow" - I mean like paragraphs of "you're amazing and beautiful, I miss you and love you so much" and if I don't respond before sleep he texts "oi" until I do...
  • wears a backpack that is sooo far down his back it looks ridiculous
  • keeps talking about wanting to get me pregnant instantly (this is absolutely not of interest to me and I haven't slept with him)

Wow after typing all this out I'm even more convinced I need to end it this week!!

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 13/10/2022 08:59

Okay, what are his redeeming points? After all, you have spent two months with him.
I know it's a light-hearted thread ( I think!) but you come across as a bit mean OP. If you don't like him , throw him back in the pool and let him find his person. Don't string him along whilst laughing at him on Mumsnet. Someone's Son and all that .

Mumofnarnia · 13/10/2022 09:10

I normally don’t respond to posts about people getting the ‘ick’ as a lot of them just seem to nit-pick at the slightest thing a man does. But this behaviour would definitely give me the ick!

You’ve only been together and talking of getting you pregnant? WTF! He’s doing that to try and trap you into the relationship.
It’s obvious love bombing and a massive red flag. So is the double texting and wanting constant attention.
I would get extremely bored and irritated if someone was taking pictures of their meals every night and then asking me to describe what meal I’m having in detail and also whining because I want to end a phone call and keeps me talking longer than they need to! He’s very OTT and you need to run for the hills. Relationships like this is 99.9% of the time how abusers groom their victims before they slowly drop their mask over a long period of time and you start see the real them for who they are.

user1496262496 · 13/10/2022 09:13

He is showing bullying and controlling traits already… this is never going to get any better.

AIIyMcBeal · 13/10/2022 09:13

Backpack is the ultimate deal breaker, can’t be dealing with that. I’d have vomited in it by now

JennyForeigner · 13/10/2022 09:15

Good grief girl. Run!!!

baileys6904 · 13/10/2022 09:18

To be honest I think you need to take responsibility of your own actions too. You said ' I love you' then don't like him saying it, you carry on talking on the phone after you say you font want to, you stay out when apparently you don't want to... Perhaps you need to learn how to say no?

Bestcatmum · 13/10/2022 09:19

Yuck, i'd be off. Anyone that clingy always gives me the creeps.

pinkyredrose · 13/10/2022 09:24

I feel ill reading that. Dump him!

HandbagAtDawn · 13/10/2022 09:25

baileys6904 · 13/10/2022 09:18

To be honest I think you need to take responsibility of your own actions too. You said ' I love you' then don't like him saying it, you carry on talking on the phone after you say you font want to, you stay out when apparently you don't want to... Perhaps you need to learn how to say no?

This is where 'be kind' gets you.

You end up ignoring your own boundaries so that you don't hurt 'someone's son's' feelings.

By which time you're so disconnected from your own feelings that you have to sense check them with other people on Mumsnet. And half of those people will tell you to 'be kind'.

He sounds borderline abusive and controlling. Controlling behaviour can present as intense, pseudo-caring behaviour. And wanting to get you pregnant after two months?? Alarm bells ringing all over this one. Run.

Rainbowshine · 13/10/2022 09:26

Lots of love bombing signs in there! Definitely end it. He sounds like he might not accept that easily though, so you might want to plan to do that - except begging or threatening messages unfortunately ☹️

Stars71 · 13/10/2022 09:28

Yet you're still with him. It sounds like you enjoy the attention but want it on your terms.

JamSandle · 13/10/2022 09:30

I feel claustrophobic just reading it! Is this a first relationship for him? He sounds a bit inexperienced and needy.

ditavonteesed · 13/10/2022 09:31

The backpack is serious ick, the rest of it red flag central. Run don't walk.

firstmummy2019 · 13/10/2022 09:32

Sounds like hevis love bombing you. Will probably turn out to be controlling and possessive.

SpanishSteps123Ole · 13/10/2022 09:35

I don't mind low backpacks. I actually hate backpacks so high up between the should blades looks like you're about to fly away like a waterjet backpack.
Just tell him you're not feeling it and end it already.

Oceans12 · 13/10/2022 09:39

He's needy and clingy - not good.

You need to let this one go, OP.

But before you do, let us know what's in the backpack....🙂

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/10/2022 09:39

Just end it
sounds like the less smitten you are the more he falls for you !

TotallyWhatever · 13/10/2022 09:40

HandbagAtDawn · 13/10/2022 09:25

This is where 'be kind' gets you.

You end up ignoring your own boundaries so that you don't hurt 'someone's son's' feelings.

By which time you're so disconnected from your own feelings that you have to sense check them with other people on Mumsnet. And half of those people will tell you to 'be kind'.

He sounds borderline abusive and controlling. Controlling behaviour can present as intense, pseudo-caring behaviour. And wanting to get you pregnant after two months?? Alarm bells ringing all over this one. Run.

Show quote history

I totally agree about the ‘be kind’ dangers and people pleasing that is expected largely from women, many of whom have grown up unable to assert boundaries in their personal life. I’m a (kind, attentive) doctor and grew up with some catholic guilt thrown in the mix, and it took me years to work out for example that disabled folk could be plain arseholes too.

Whatarubbishusername · 13/10/2022 09:40

Cantgetausername87 · 13/10/2022 08:43

RUUUUUN!

Yes. This.

PeacefulPottering · 13/10/2022 09:42

Oh wait! Forget what I posted before!
You said you loved him back but you have not had sex yet? It's been 8 weeks of this intense behaviour and you respond but don't "really want to" . Why? You need to work on your boundaries and get rid asap.

rainbowhairchalk · 13/10/2022 09:44

Ewww. Run while you can.

Nugg · 13/10/2022 09:49

Sounds like the love bombing that comes before narcissistic hatred to me, from experience!

mondaytosunday · 13/10/2022 09:55

Yuck. Just reading the first few gave me the ick.

Greyarea12 · 13/10/2022 09:58

This is more than the "ick'. This is massive red flags telling you to run. You have just listed some perfect examples of how an abuser grooms their victim. Over time, their true personality starts to show. You need to end this.

RandomMusings7 · 13/10/2022 10:18

Greyarea12 · 13/10/2022 09:58

This is more than the "ick'. This is massive red flags telling you to run. You have just listed some perfect examples of how an abuser grooms their victim. Over time, their true personality starts to show. You need to end this.

Absolutely!

there is nothing that screams "I want to lock you down asap so that I can control you completely before you see my true colors" more than "let's have a baby 2 months in". Glaring abuser indicator!

Swipe left for the next trending thread