affair partner back in contact

[bstd890]

went no contact with affair partner. haven't seen him for months why has he started messaging again

Yack yack yack.

Just vile.

A man's perspective - but you're not going to like it OP, sorry...

A married man carries on an affair with OW. Almost gets caught- doesn't want to end marriage, wants to continue eating cake. Hideously gaslights his wife who now needs therapy for anxiety, plus cognitive dissonance caused by having her sense of reality warped by collusion between him and OW to make her doubt her own sanity.

Things calm down - wife in turmoil, but he wants his cake again. Trouble is you have to go to a lot of effort to lure another woman - even a married woman who might also desire discretion. But old AP is easy, discrete, available, and no seduction necessary- just a few soothing texts away.

She is desperate bc she fears that the only chance she has of having him is if he remains trapped in deceit, while she is easiest and best option for sex. So perhaps she doesn't want to set him free bc he might not choose her then. But this thought is painful and of course he can sense her desperation, so can pick her up and put her down with no consequences.

OW is trying to figure out if he really wants her - or if he just misses the cake he was eating and having.

I'm sorry OP - but if any of that rings true then know that he is vile and you have lost all pride, dignity and integrity to try and keep him. It seems like you are fighting a voice of low self esteem that says he can do better than you if he were free to choose.

So I suspect you want MN to tell you that your inner fears are wrong, that he may have genuine feelings for you, admire you, still love you. That his marriage is a tragic bind that keeps you apart, and that you deserve whatever happiness you can find?

If he loved you, he wouldn't be still be lying to his wife would he? If he was worth having he wouldn't watch her struggle with his lies and deception. It really is that simple, and I don't know how you've managed to cling to the possibility of another narrative. I understand why, but it's time to stop - don't you think OP?

Thank you Seadad that makes perfect sense time to put this behind em and do the right thing

OP, you have posted here and i feel a lot of the advice has been heavily weighted against you. OP, it is not your responsibility to consider your affair partners wife. That , is solely down to him and his actions. She is his wife, it's his life and he is a grown man, making decisions for himself. Some men stay in marriages because they simply do not have the financial means to leave. It is financial suicide to leave, others stay purely because they love their children. Either way they would leave if they could . Perhaps his family solely financially dependant on him. Again, not your responsibility to consider his wife's work choices and her own financial means. Many women stay for exactly the same reasons. I personally left an unhappy marriage as i always equipped myself with the means to do so, my ex would have happily stayed miserably plodding along.

You know him best, if this arrangement suits YOU best you do what feels right for you. If he were happy, he would not have entered into this relationship with you in the first place. Men do not have affairs if they are happy and settled.

If YOU want to reinstate contact with him, on terms that suit YOU then you should persure what you want. It may be that this situation suits you and your own family dynamic. If his wife knows there has been an even a wiff of infidelity albeit lesser than the truth and she still stays, she needs to look at her own dependency. Personally, i would not have stayed at that point but equally, i always gave myself the financial freedoms to do so.

All this rubbish about how you are selling yourself short and have low self worth , he is having cake and eating it, utter nonsense. Some women prefer this kind of "relationship". This is about what YOU will allow and want for yourself. If this arrangement suits you and your family life, if you like the intimacy without the baggage of a full time relationship, If you like cake, eat it! . He is the married one, not you. His marriage is solely his issue not yours. Do what feels right for you Op, life really is too short . Let his wife do what she feels is right for her.

@CinstonWhurchill you say... "Let his wife do what she feels is right for her" - I'm sure the poor woman would IF she knew her reality, wasn't being lied to, gaslighted and mentally abused not only by a husband and OW as his accomplice!

As for suggesting married men have affairs and cake eat due to faults in their marriage that they must be unhappy, you fail to mention 'entitlement' or. Research shows the vast majority of men who've had an affair when questioned say they are happy in their marriage. Suggesting their motive is opportunism, entitlement and selfishment. The inrease in percentage of woman having affairs these days directly correlates to their increase in numbers in the workplace thus giving them greater opportunity.

Shame on you for suggesting OP should just do what she wants and if that is colluding with a cheating married man thus abusing and traumatising his wife by lying for him so be it. Disgraceful.

Spm selfishness

Trouble is you have to go to a lot of effort to lure another woman - even a married woman who might also desire discretion. But old AP is easy, discrete, available, and no seduction necessary

This.

Replying a golden oldie is way easier than trying to lure and maintain a new affair partner.

His wife must've calmed down enough and the danger of divorce must appear passed, for him to return to his MO of cheating.

Btw you should be a decent human being and tell his wife everything.

*Replaying

Let his wife do what she feels is right for her.

I guess she would if op hadn't told her she had no physical infidelity with him, and then that she only did once (or whatever lies she told her).

As it is she's been deceived and gas lit out of doing what's right for her.

I had recalled incorrectly that OP admitted one shag, but when I checked that thread, I realized that OP actually told his Wife there had been no sex at all.

The woman was trying to make a crucial, life-altering decision. This was an opportunity for OP to be a decent, empathetic person to a struggling human being. Instead she twisted the knife by gaslighting her. Perhaps OP felt powerful and enjoyed lording it over her. It’s ironic, though, because OP herself has been a betrayed wife.

She’s written many threads about feeling used by this Rat, who sneaks over for sex but never takes her out. She’s ended things several times, but always lets him back in.

@CinstonWhurchill

I bet the kids are really proud of you, but I suppose it's just another area of your life where secrets and lies are applied.

What an honest world you must live in.

It wouldn't surprise me if @CinstonWhurchill is op. 😘

@ViolinPin I assure you i am not OP. I can also assure i have never been involved in any extra marital affair. I left an unhappy marriage ( my choice ) on very amicable terms , as always made sure I had my own assets and my financial independence. This meant neither of us needed the other financially which; prevented any bitterness and frustration setting in. My ( now grown ) children are very proud of me thank you and they, me and their father do many things together still. I even maintain a good relationship with my ex mil , who stays with me often. My independence and freedom of choice has given my children a very good understanding of what they can now and should expect in a relationship and that also involves not allowing anyone to become totally financially dependant on you , to the point where it leaves you no choices.

I do have a large number of friends, both men and women , over decades, who are either stuck in truly miserable marriages or, having affairs. It is not my place to judge nor would i ever. I am just being honest that these things happen in life. As i said in pp, friends ( mainly female) simply cannot afford to divorce as they entered into marriage with nothing and half of what they have now is not enough for them to maintain lifestyle's they are now accustomed too. The men i know are primarily concerned about their children and then secondarily the financial liability, not child maint but what their wives could possibly spitefully expect without making any efforts to fully support themselves. In some cases this is unfair as , i have personally seen women weaponise the children and finances out of bitterness. I know of 4 men, over 3 decades, ( life friends with their now ex wives ) who had affairs and left, married their affair partner and decades / years later still very happy together. These however, are men with significant financial resources. Their ex wives were left extremely comfortable with £800k houses all paid for , sch fees, 3 x foreign holidays a yr paid for , income of £5k a month for the rest of their lives, regardless of remarriage. Those "spurned" women very very quickly moved on themselves and also remarried so , I guess money and financial security minimises heartbreak?

The OP is not responsible for her affair partners wife, HE is. We do not know what has led him to seek outside his marriage. As i said before, happily married people do not stray. We do not know what his marriage is. It could be sexless and they are forced to stay because of money or fear of losing his children to weekends or 50/50. That is not a marriage. I am merely being realistic about why people who are effectively stuck, trapped whatever you will , have affairs. I am sorry you find it unpalatable but assure you i myself, left my marriage when i realised i wanted to start a new relationship and yrs before i did so. It took me 2 yrs after divorce before i even met anyone i wanted to be intimate with , so i personally have done this all right and to MN standards.

Not everyone has the luxury of doing things the right way. Op has met this man and they have had a relationship. It happens. To belittle it and berate the OP and make her feel worthless and somehow devoid of morals, is unkind and unhelpful. This is really just gang mentality of others who fear their own husbands or wives leaving. The OP is not the bad guy here.

I stand by my comments, if he makes the OP happy and it suits her, this is not the OP's cross to bear. No one has asked on this thread what the affair partners reason for the affair is. No one has asked why he is so unhappy? Just endless reams of moral judgement and pearl clutching. Everyone just assumes his wife is the poor victim in all this and , in my understanding , there is always a reason why men and women stray in marriages. 2 people in a relationship, both equally responsible for it's breakdown.

The OP and the AP getting all the flack here, we really know nothing about his wife. Be interesting to know why the AP strayed in the first place. His marriage is clearly not happy, there would not be an OP if the AP was living in domestic bliss.

After the scare of his wife finding out and the good behaviour he needed to show to keep his marriage, enough time has passed for him to have become complacent again.
I imagine his wife has finely started to relax a little. Maybe even start to regain some trust, be less vigilant, question him less. Start believing her marriage has a chance, drop her guard.
Cue him thinking he's served his time, and can probably get away with starting it up again.

“Not everyone has the luxury of doing things the right way. Op has met this man and they have had a relationship. It happens. To belittle it and berate the OP and make her feel worthless and somehow devoid of morals, is unkind and unhelpful. This is really just gang mentality of others who fear their own husbands or wives leaving. The OP is not the bad guy here.”

Dear Lord. “gang mentality”? Or maybe it’s a group of people who all agree that helping someone lie to, deceive and gaslight a woman, plus lie to this woman’s face, by their own admission, is morally reprehensible?

OP has lied to this woman’s face that she never had sex with her husband, but is not a “bad guy”? So she’s the “good guy” and blameless here?

I consider liars to be devoid of honesty, which is part of having a personal moral code. In affairs people do “have the luxury of doing things the right way”. They have a choice. They are adults with agency. The right way is to honestly tell their partners that they wish to start a relationship with someone else, end the marriage and separate and then begin a relationship. Never easy, no, but taking the short cut of just starting up a relationship anyway because coding the right thing is difficult doesn’t make it right or OK.
Just because circumstances are awkward or difficult or just inconvenient does not give anyone the right to behave as they please when it involves deceiving and lying to another person to achieve it.

This isn’t “gang mentality”, it’s pretty commonly agreed that lying, deceiving and gaslighting to get your own way is morally wrong. The husband is the one who made vows to his wife and he has treated her appallingly, absolutely. But OP, once she knew he was married, once she agreed to talk to his desperate wife and respond to her request to tell her the truth, then blatantly lied about it, adding to the degradation of her mental health and happy to let her continue living the lie she was unknowingly living, was fully involved in this situation and behaving appallingly too.

I genuinely don’t get how it’s become OK to pursue your every whim if it involves lying, deceiving and hurting others to get what you want. It’s OK to just crack on regardless if it’s what you want and to hell with everybody else? Is that what people are telling their sons and daughters these days? Blimey.

@Thewookiemustgo For goodness sake. Consider liars to be devoid of what you like. Perhaps consider why liars lie.

In other words, he just wants to see if he can play hide the sausage with you again.

@Thewookiemustgo "Is that what people are telling their sons and daughters these days? Blimey".

No, people are telling their sons and daughters to be financially independent. If that means their children pursue relationships of their own choice, and make them happy; so be it.

@ShandaLear
If he loved you, he wouldn't be still be lying to his wife would he? If he was worth having he wouldn't watch her struggle with his lies and deception. It really is that simple,

Equally if he loved his wife he would not be lying to his mistress ?

@CinstonWhurchill - nope - that doesn't add up! Why would someone not lie to another person because they are in live with a third?
Liars can love, I suspect. But let's be honest, in this case - OPs OM is treating his wife abominable- and whether he 'loves' the person he is cheating on is entirely irrelevant!

I clearly missed a trick in life. I had no idea that having a career and being financially independent entitled me to pursue whatever relationship made me happy even if it meant lying to and deceiving and helping destroy the mental health of others. I was taught by my parents to treat others as I would like to be treated.

There are clearly a myriad of reasons why liars lie. To lie about your real opinion on what your friend’s new dress looks like if you don’t like it, would probably be because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. The morality of that reason is a million miles away from that of the reason why you might lie to the face of the man you’re shagging’s wife when she asks you for the truth in order to make a huge life-changing decision for herself and her family based on fact, not the fiction her husband and OP were more than happy to spin to their own advantage. Some reasons for lying are not morally justifiable.

@CinstonWhurchill
Are you reading from the married man's script?

Liars lie because they have no morals or conscience. Are you suggesting lies are justifiable in a relationship?

Are you also suggesting those who feel more entitled in a relationship should ride roughshot over their loved ones rather than explore normal options such as discussion or deciding to divorce?

Good for you doing everything in your life to perfect MN standards... perhaps you could share your wisdom by educating OP's married AP how to behave appropriately if he is so unhappy in his marriage instead of insinuating his unsuspecting wife may be to blame so his cheating, gaslighting and abuse is justified.

I think it's quite clear his main love is for himself.

There are people like this, many of them void of truth, emotion, morals and empathy, as history has shown, a great deal of these people who are left to promote their ethics of hate and self preservation at the hands of the more vunerable, need to be monitered and educated against their teachings, at whatever level. We have also found that to ignor or agree with them has been catastophic, but no biggy, so long as there was a power mad, winning fool. However big or small the evoiroment, contempt for our fellow man is something which should not be admired.

For greed, financial gain, to oppress the weak, to prevent freedom of speech, will and choice and to have lack of accountability and guilt, these qualities have never enriched our planet, in fact they have shown to shame us as human beings.

I do not want to be part of a world that tramples over our fellow man.

It appears @CinstonWhurchill you know the price of everything and the value of nothing. I would dread someone like you having any form of influencial power, you make me feel we should all be on our guard, as for the saying goes

"the only thing necessary for evil to exist is for good men to do nothing"

Your posts give me chills and I'm not exagerating.

Op tell his wife, you are damaging her, you are preventing her freedom of choice.

@ViolinPin "It appears @CinstonWhurchill you know the price of everything and the value of nothing".

Whatever!!