Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have any of you married your "lover"?

334 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 26/01/2008 17:18

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

OP posts:
jasper · 28/01/2008 12:03

IateRCforB I have thought this before too.

HappyWoman · 28/01/2008 16:53

So morning paper you do see it as a crime then?

If we all know it is wrong and the hurt it can/will/does cause then surely anyone who is party to it or turns a blind eye to it must take some responsibility for their part. Just because another person is not your responsibility doesnt mean you have to ignore them.

I would like to think that if i saw someone getting hurt (whatever the circumstances) i would step in and try and stop it.

I think if we all took a bit more responsibility then maybe we would all have more respect for each other generally and maybe we would live in a very different society - but that is a different matter which i could bore you all with.

As for hating the ow - this is where i have difficulties - i do not hate the ow in fact in some ways she did me a favour my marriage is healthier than it has been for a long time and i am getting lots of attention (and gifts ). But i know (or at least think) she hates me and my h. I am sure her way of 'getting over' the affair is to tell herself i was not her responsibility. I wish she would contact me to get my side of the story and so i could tell her that i dont think of her as an evil person but that what she did was 'bad'. It is just so easy to project the hatred to a person in any crime than to think of it as a nice person doing a foolish thing.

As for teaching our children i do believe that as mine have seen first hand what a mess such double lives lead too will seriously think twice if or when faces with such a situation.

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 17:00

Yes it is definitely wrong. But I wouldn't use words like wicked and evil about anyone who's in that sort of situation. I would reserve those sorts of words for sociopaths. Ignorant and twattish I would use freely however.

You are right about having more responsibility as a society to address these issues. In all the years I was seeing married men, no one ever actually confronted me and said "this is wrong, you are being an idiot". It's shocking really. People just sort of got sympathetic. If I had a friend in this sort of situation (a young woman) I would be brutally honest about what a waste it was (of lives all round) and that frankly she was a complete idiot. Trouble is that when you are young and with low self-esteem, when a handsome/successful man woos you, the wider picture is hard to see. Young people can be spectacularly stupid about affairs of the heart.

Flllightattendant · 28/01/2008 17:09

MP, people told me for years how bloody stupid and wrong I was being. It didn't make any difference. I 'loved' him and that was that in my narrow view.
I had some sympathy but didn't really expect or thrive on it - I bored my friends to tears with the rollercoaster of it all, surprising that any of them stiill speak to me really, but I think it's hard to see another perspective when you're high on a tide of passion. Someone who enters into such an affair in the first place probably has dreadful self esteem and is very needy - as you said earlier.

Happywoman - I'm still being really impressed by your posts, the point about 'stepping in to help if someone were being hurt' really struck another nerve with me just now. I am the sort of person who helps pigeons in the street - responsibility or not - but where was 'I' when my married man's wife was being hurt, albeit unknowingly? I have no idea to this day where my human kindness went. It's bizarre. I didn't care at all, for some reason. I do now but it is way too late - so I just hate myself every day for it instead of being able to make a difference.

(Not wanting to sound self pitying, honestly.)

She was not perhaps my responsibility but I stood by and let a man destroy her.
She married the next door neighbour a few months later, but that is another story...! (Glad she found happiness...I think she did, anyway)

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 17:20

FA you really shouldn't 'hate yourself every day' for what happened. It is true that when you have been in that situation, I think you inevitably live with a lot of guilt when you 'grow up' and realise how harmful that behaviour was. But it's easy to be wise when you are older and more experienced.

MotherFunker · 28/01/2008 17:22

I'm the other woman. When I met DH he was in a relationship and living with her. He left her 6 months after we met. We've been together 7 yrs now and have a 3 yr old child. I trust him completely. Some might say I'm mad, but I truly believe they weren't right for each other...and we are.

Immaculateconception · 28/01/2008 18:32

I am the other woman, both of us were in very unhappy marriages. I left my x husband and he left his wife and started divorce proceedings way before we ever got together. You may judge us, but we are happy and he has never cheated on me and he never will. I know you think you know all bastard cheating husbands but he is not one.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 18:43

I hope to god that no children were harmed as a result of your actions. If there were children involved I am sure they will have life long damage. But I guess as long as you get the "man" you set your sights on then the psychological well being of a child doesn't matter. I will never understand why a ho thinks that what she wants and who she thinks she loves is more important than someone else's life and the psychological well being of a child.

The most important thing in a child's world is mummy and daddy and an intact family unit. I am not perfect by any means but I can honestly say that I never participated in the destruction of a family unit nor hurt a child. I would suffer hurt and loss and despair times 10 long before I would help someone's daddy leave his mummy. I mean, geez, every minute the man spends with the ho is time he could be spending with his kid.

Just an aside. You do not know if someone is in an unhappy marriage unless you are living with them 24/7. All men who fancy a piece of fresh after they have been with their DW's a long time say that their marriage "is mutually unhappy". Yeah right.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 18:46

By the way I have never personally dealt with infidelity or divorce (except my parent's divorce which was amicable). My parents did it the right way. They separated slowly and both waited 2 years before dating again.

Flllightattendant · 28/01/2008 18:50

Anne, I think it takes more than a 'ho' throwing herself at somebody for a man to leave his wife and/or children...or does he not have the ability to leave whether or not another woman is involved?
A man can leave without the help of a mistress. Equally a man who wishes to stay with his wife and children is able to do so, whether or not a woman approaches him or indicates that she ahs feelings for him. I a guessing here but I would expect most mistresses believe that the man in question loves them and will leave his family because he wishes to be with them and not his wife.
How exactly is that man's decision under the power of his OW?

If he is decent he can say 'No' and carry on as normal. Nobody could force a decent man to betray his family by having sex with someone else.

Flllightattendant · 28/01/2008 18:51

I'm sorry, I cross posted with you there...obviously you are aware that a man is able to leave without the help of a mistress.
I am sorry this happened in your family.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 18:57

It's okay to leave an unhappy marriage. But it has to be done the right way. If there is a OW involved then not only do the kids have to deal with the breakdown of the family unit BUT they have to deal with the fact that daddy isn't hanging out with them this weekend because he it is OW's birthday or whatever and daddy would rather be hanging out with his piece of fresh rather than us. Money he spends on OW and OW's brats by him could have gone into their university fund.

I have no problem with people who leave an unhappy marriage. But if kids are involved it needs to be done properly.

jasper · 28/01/2008 19:06

"ho"
"piece of fresh"
"brats"

I can hardly believe I am reading this

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 19:06

My parents mutually divorced. In the state we were living in couples with kids who were divorcing had to go to court ordered classes in order to obtain the divorce. There were given guidlines and advice. They didn't have to follow these guidelines but were educated about them,and how divorce affects kids and they were advised to stick to the rules.

  1. No bad mouthing your ex to the kids, no matter what ex has done
  2. Spend extra time with the kids
  3. Do not even think about serious relationships or getting involved with a new partner until you know the kids have adjusted to the split. This could take months or years.

My parents took this very seriously and my siblings and I benefited. By the time my parents remarried new partners we were cheering them on. Had they been with other people too soon..within a year of the break up it would have been like they were crapping on everything our family ever was. I think it would have been life a knife to the belly and no child should have to suffer that.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 19:06

Oh come on "ho" is funny. Lighten up.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 19:07

Don't see you complaining about the F word in other people's posts Jasper.

jasper · 28/01/2008 19:08

yes and brats is hilarious too

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 19:09

I am glad we agree.

blueshoes · 28/01/2008 19:11

FlightAttendent, to answer your question, nobody can make a man stray against his will.

It happened to my family. For a long time, I hated my father. I also hated HER, even though she had no face or name. But she hurt my mother and she hurt my family. She did that in cold blood. I will call BOTH to account. I was only a child then. The affair cast a pall over my childhood.

Anne: "The most important thing in a child's world is mummy and daddy and an intact family unit." So true. Anyone who ignores that fact is utterly selfish and burying their head in the sand.

Immaculateconception · 28/01/2008 19:18

There were no children from my other half's marriage, but I do have 4 kids. I didn't leave my x husband because of my other half but because of mental and physical abuse, my children were constantly seeing how he put me down and hit me. Now they see my partner and myself work together as a team and are happier than they ever been, except for when their father messes them around as far as contact is concerned.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 19:30

That is a different situation to the one we are discussing IC. I am glad your little ones have a nice daddy now.

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 20:10

Anna, you seem a bit bonkers on this topic but FWIW (if you want your posts answered? I'm not even sure?) I've never been involved with a man with a family, although I'm not sure that's a high moral ground per se . I'm sure that people do get into that situation (where they get the time from is another thing - I would be utterly mad if my partner had a girlfriend on the side and was therefore not doing his quota of housework, frankly) - again, people that do get into that situation are probably not thinking about the long-term effects, or thinking through the ramifications of their actions. And to be honest, the way that motherhood strips you of your former freedom and allure really knocks your confidence, so I can quite see why a mother would easily fall into the trap of being cheered up by flattery from an attractive man.

My DH and I are both from "broken" families. Most people don't leave unhappy marriages until there is a catalyst. Your idea of ending one marriage, leaving two years and then dating again is lovely but not really how people live.

AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 20:27

Bonkers?

Because I think that people who hurt children for the sake of a relationship are nasty? I really don't care about what people do as long as there are no children involved.

Yes people do live that way. People do wait and ensure that their kids are adjusting before bringing a new partner into the picture. Lots of people live this way..the ones who are not selfish and completely dysfunctional do anyway. There is no such thing as a new relationship/partnership that is worth upsetting children over. If the new partner is really the one, the soul mate etc. etc., then they can wait on the sidelines until the time is right.

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 20:33

no you are not bonkers for those reasons

you are bonkers for using words like ho / brats

and soulmate

Irisheyes78 · 28/01/2008 20:35

Well said Anne, you stick to your guns!