Have any of you married your "lover"?

[MoreSpamThanGlam]

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

A lot of people have this idea of 'the other woman' being some sort of dark-haired red-taloned vixen

when actually she is probably dumpy, depressed, with very little self worth and living on a diet of vodka

that's so sad sobernow, I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience

"My DH and I are both from "broken" families. Most people don't leave unhappy marriages until there is a catalyst. Your idea of ending one marriage, leaving two years and then dating again is lovely but not really how people live." Completely agree, morningpaper.

And, FWIW, I don't think that it is right to propagate the idea that there is a "right" and "wrong" way to separate and divorce and set up a new home. People's circumstances are so very individual.

i think there are lots of different valid ways to live your life

for me sacrificing for children is not really one of them..and luckily for me my children don't seem to rate parental sacrifice too highly either

you can never understand how it works for other people but it's not a bad thing to be accepting that there isn't one path to suit everyone

You can't help who you fall in love with and when. You can control what you do about it. Doing the right thing usually makes you happier than following your own path at the cost of the happiness of others. In the end.

There are of course many ways to divorce and separate. But there is definitely a right or wrong way to CONDUCT YOURSELF in the course of doing so.

For example, if both parties are truly unhappy, nobody will force them to stay together. But then they must ensure that the separation process respects the children's feelings and welfare and minimises mudslinging.

Also, making a play for a happily married man is wrong, whatever your feelings for him. Because he is taken. If anyone cannot understand this, then they need to examine their conscience and upbringing.

As for moving on only when there is a 3rd party in sight, well, that is just so banal and common. I have the utmost respect for a person who acknowledges his/her marriage is not working and then takes steps to ensure a clean separation before getting involved in another relationship. I know couples who have done this and are now deservedly happily married to other halves. Just because the majority of people don't do this, does not mean it is the right way to do things.

Why is it considered "good" that children might find themselves with two single parent homes - much better they have two new and happy two-parent homes ASAP.

anna, maybe you have a rose-tinted view of divorce. I am amazed you think that a marriage, family and all the emotional, financial ties and living arrangements that go with it can be untangled in an instant to form 2 instant happy remarried families once the ink has barely dried on the decree nisi.

It could happen, but that is not likely or "how people live". The majority of divorces are not amiable, with both partners happily ensconced in new concurrent relationships, even before divorce. The majority of families have finances that can barely stretch to cover one household, much less 2, particularly if one partner (new or old) is not in paid employment. How confusing and emotionally disturbing is it for the children to see a potential succession of boyfriends or girlfriends whilst mummy and daddy are still married before they finally settle for THE (second) ONE.

Far more responsible for an unhappily married couple to clean up their closet before officially involving the 3rd party, particularly where children's feelings are involved.

blueshoes - I am completely surrounded by divorced/blended families - and most of them work pretty well indeed. Actually, I can't think of any that don't - unless one/both party remains single. That is a recipe for resentment/war etc. When people are happily shacked up again and busy creating a new family life, they stop wanting/bothering to destroy their old partner.

The biggest barrier to amiable divorce is lack of funds IMO. When money is no object, people (adults and children) move forward quite easily IME.

Finding a new partner is the Easy Bit, in comparison. It is sorting out the previous marriage that causes the most anguish to the children and spouse - an area which can and IMO should be done in isolation to involving a third party.

Even before I was married and was still dating, I did not embark on a new relationship before I sorted the old. In fact, once I realised the old had run its course, I actively ended it with no new man in sight. And there were periods of drought subsequently but I knew that was the Right Thing to do. Maybe I am old-fashioned. But where children are involved, I would be even more scrupulous.

anna, we clearly live in different worlds. I am surrounded by happily married couples/families who are deeply entrenched in their living arrangements. And whilst I don't know their financial situation, I would hazard that they would struggle on a divorce. I only know of one divorced couple, both happily remarried now (but the man pays over shedloads to ex-wife to keep things sweet), but who divorced before getting involved.

What's scrupulous about forcing children to live through a couple of years of acrimony and two single parent struggling homes while parents divorce? Far, far better that children have two new happy homes with a loving, supportive couple in each with the financial, emotional and practical means to give those children a good life.

I think it is extraordinarily misguided to think that parents should live through some kind of relationship void while they divorce. The more emotional and practical support each partner has, the less likely the children are to suffer.

blueshoes - if you hardly know anyone who has divorced, exactly what position are you in to have an opinion as to which way is best for the people involved?

Honestly and truthfully, the parents and children who struggle are the ones in one-parent families where there is still lingering resentment and acrimony. New partners are often a godsend for children (which is not the same as saying that children wouldn't prefer their two biological parents to be living happily together - they all would. It just often isn't going to happen.)

Anna, each half of a divorcing couple can have their friends, which could even include a special friend who is waiting in the wings. In reality, this is likely to be the man. So many divorced women on this board are still finding themselves single, saddled with children, even after years.

It is much harder for a divorced woman to find a new relationship, particularly if she has been cut off due to family commitments and possibly SAHM-dom. The woman would tend to have fewer options and be at the mercy of the courts in a divorce.

I struggle to understand the relationship-merry-go-round of a world you describe. If arrangements are really so fluid and easily changed, best not to get married or even breed, I would think.

Anna, I don't disagree about new partners. I am only questioning whether it is right to drag children through the (often) sordid affairs that pre-date a divorce. I may not have much experience of divorce (touch wood), but I don't believe the majority of mnetters have experience of what you describe either - no doubt someone will come along and prove me wrong.

oh, and I haven't much experience of divorce, but I have first hand experience of being a child in a family whose father did have affairs (but did not eventually divorce).

my mum and dad divorced were both significantly worse off after divorce and never said a civil word to each from that day forward.

Oh yes Anna, it was sooooo much better that way.

just in case you didn't guess there should have been an at the end of my post.

Dovirce is rarely good, neither is staying together if you're unhappy. Trying to say one is a better state than the other is like saying "shall I chop your arm off or your leg?"

It's very rare to hear children talk of amicable divorces though. When they're grown up and have some life experience and hindsight, they can. But when they're in the middle of it, it seems to be only pain.

its painful even as an adult NKF - you just cover it up better.

Which parent do you chose to go to your DS's christening?

(actually in my case pretty easy! THe one who bothered to actually meet him!)

So sad Kewcumber.

isn't it - though to be fiar I'm not sure that my Dad being a useless prick is related to their divorce.