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Original poster

Cultural clash with Muslim boyfriend

113 replies

Sheree2000 · 09/10/2022 19:34

I dunno how to feel…I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we’re 22, I’ve always wanted a relationship where I’m close with my partners family etc but my boyfriends Muslim so his mum is strict on what girls he dates she’d like them to be covered up etc preferably Muslim his nans even said to him she’d like him to find a nice Pakistani girl and I don’t fit this category at all as I’m half Jamaican and half English, have tattoos and wear revealing clothes not anything too explicit but low cut tops, tight clothes etc which his mum wouldn’t like so there’s a bit of a cultural clash I’d never wear these things around his mum or anybodys mums in previous relationships I’ve always dressed appropriately when being around my partners family. My boyfriends been hiding me from his mum the whole time we’ve been together she knows he’s in a relationship with me and he tells her when we go out together etc and she can see he’s in love with me but I’ve never met her yet and he always try’s to avoid me meeting her for example once my car broke down outside his house and his mum was going to come to the car to check I was okay but he told her no or stuff like how weve planned to go to Thorpe park later this month and my boyfriend said his cousins are gonna go and he hopes they don’t go on the same day as us otherwise he’s gonna have to try and avoid them and make sure we don’t bump into them purely because he dosent want them to meet me. I get there’s a cultural difference and that he can’t just bring any girl home like other guys etc but it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation. No horrible comments please but could I get people opinions on the situation please.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 09/10/2022 19:37

I don't have much to say other than that relationships with cultural differences can work but he needs to be more accepting of YOU. He fell in love with YOU. You shouldn't have to be hidden away from his family. He should embrace that he fell in love with you and celebrate that.

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

topcat2014 · 09/10/2022 19:39

Sadly I think you should end it. Your self esteem will suffer, needlessly, in the long term.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Haggisfish3 · 09/10/2022 19:40

What happens if you get married and have children? And if that’s not a possibility, why are you with him? I would advise extracting yourself from the relationship. Sorry. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

JamSandle · 09/10/2022 19:40

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

I agree with this. He will probably marry within his culture/religion.

SnarkyBag · 09/10/2022 19:40

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

This.

MadMadMadamMim · 09/10/2022 19:41

You are never going to be accepted by his family. He will never marry you.

Sorry if that's not want you want to hear, but it's very clear. If you just want some fun with him for now then crack on. But he's not going to change.

EstellaRijnveld · 09/10/2022 19:41

Just dump and run, at your age it’s meant to be fun and not hard work.

MzHz · 09/10/2022 19:41

Just practicing with you. You’re just the starter. Bin him. He’s not in this to be with you, you’re not ever going to be included in his family.
you Can do better

Stupidbonfire · 09/10/2022 19:44

I think the main issue, is that he gets annoyed and angry when you try, sensibly, to have a pro active conversation about things that are upsetting you.

How do you see your future with this man? What if you were to have children? A girl? Would he expect them to cover up and wear a head scarf? How would you feel about that. What if you had a girl and a boy? How you would feel about them being treated differently?

it’s completely fine to be on different pages. It doesn’t mean you are being intolerant of his religion. It’s just means that you live your life differently. And that’s okay.
perhaps think about whether you want to spend the next x amount of years with someone who gets annoyed when you try to talk and resolve tough issues. What you want from a life partner is someone who will sit down calmly and talk through a solution/ compromise/ plan of action. Not someone who scares you into silence or acquiescence for fear of them being ‘annoyed’.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 19:46

He is indeed not going to be with you long term and he will end up marrying a Muslim woman. Keeping you away from his family is a deliberate act on his part.

End this relationship now before you get ever more hurt by it.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2022 19:46

No future with him as far as I'm concerned. He won't or feels he can't introduce you to his family as they'd never accept 'who you are'. And please don't change yourself in any way to 'keep' this man, you're perfect just as you are. It's simply that you don't meet his requirements for a life partner. There's nothing wrong with that, it just is what it is. You may suit him right now, but when time comes to select someone 'permanent', he'll choose someone who fits in with his family as he's obviously not strong enough to fight them.

Time to move on and find someone that you really do 'fit' with.

ArcticSkewer · 09/10/2022 19:46

He'll never get serious with you and you will always be hidden. Just wait til he announces he is getting married but still expects you to hang around.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 19:48

Sadly I agree with every one else.tje longer you're in this relationship, the more you're wasting your time and the more potential hurt.

He is unlikely in the extreme to make this a serious relationship and to eventually marry you.

You're very young, time to get out and not waste any more of your time.

Culture and religion shouldn't be this important, but unfortunately it is.

chopc · 09/10/2022 19:49

@Sheree2000 having been there and done that I can tell you this wouldn't end well. There is no future for your relationship so end it and move on

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 19:51

You can find a relationship with another guy where you can have a full, healthy, normal relationship where you meet and hang out with his family and vice versa. That's how it's supposed to be.

Due to his religion & culture, it's unlikely to ever be like that with him.

Nobody needs this shit.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 19:52

Also I think it's unfair of him to get involved with you abdbslerp with you (I presume) given he must have known this would how it would be. Unfair and selfish.

SunscreenCentral · 09/10/2022 19:55

topcat2014 · 09/10/2022 19:39

Sadly I think you should end it. Your self esteem will suffer, needlessly, in the long term.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

This. You are very young (as is he). Don't waste any more of your time.

Mammajay · 09/10/2022 19:56

The irony of this is that if the situation was reversed and you were hiding him from your family and friends it would correctly be called racist offensive behaviour. Break off with him. It will be hard, but do it now. If he really loves you and is prepared to fight for you, he will introduce you to his family and friends. It will be tough now but so much tougher if you carry on with it.

Mumandcarer · 09/10/2022 19:59

Does he make you happy? Do you feel loves and cares about you? He’s the one who’s in the relationship with you not his family. He might be just putting off you meeting them because he knows how they will react.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2022 20:01

it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation

That's not cultural. That's him not being a nice bloke. And talking about it is the only way cultural issues get sorted.

Dump I'm afraid.

AsterixInEngland · 09/10/2022 20:02

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

I’d say he probably WANTS to build something long term with you but he is clearly unable to stand up to his family and go against their rules/view of the world/culture.
I can see a lot if heartbreak there, regardless of whether you split or stay together unless he learns to go against their wishes and stands up to what he wants.
The other possibility is you learning to not be yourself which isn’t much better tbh.

whattodo22222 · 09/10/2022 20:05

JamSandle · 09/10/2022 19:40

I agree with this. He will probably marry within his culture/religion.

Show quote history

I also agree with this as well, it happened to me.

RedToothBrush · 09/10/2022 20:07

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

This. You are miss right now not Mrs forever.

HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2022 20:07

it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation

Don’t attribute the problem in this relationship to cultural differences; attribute it to the fact your boyfriend isn’t very nice.