Cultural clash with Muslim boyfriend

[Sheree2000]

I dunno how to feel…I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we’re 22, I’ve always wanted a relationship where I’m close with my partners family etc but my boyfriends Muslim so his mum is strict on what girls he dates she’d like them to be covered up etc preferably Muslim his nans even said to him she’d like him to find a nice Pakistani girl and I don’t fit this category at all as I’m half Jamaican and half English, have tattoos and wear revealing clothes not anything too explicit but low cut tops, tight clothes etc which his mum wouldn’t like so there’s a bit of a cultural clash I’d never wear these things around his mum or anybodys mums in previous relationships I’ve always dressed appropriately when being around my partners family. My boyfriends been hiding me from his mum the whole time we’ve been together she knows he’s in a relationship with me and he tells her when we go out together etc and she can see he’s in love with me but I’ve never met her yet and he always try’s to avoid me meeting her for example once my car broke down outside his house and his mum was going to come to the car to check I was okay but he told her no or stuff like how weve planned to go to Thorpe park later this month and my boyfriend said his cousins are gonna go and he hopes they don’t go on the same day as us otherwise he’s gonna have to try and avoid them and make sure we don’t bump into them purely because he dosent want them to meet me. I get there’s a cultural difference and that he can’t just bring any girl home like other guys etc but it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation. No horrible comments please but could I get people opinions on the situation please.

This relationship is dead in the water . He'd sowing his oates before he settles / marries a girl his family will accept

You are so young and it's tragic how you are wasting your youth on man who will never stay with you. He doesn't even want his extended family to see you, FFS. Get rid of this man child and find someone who doesn't use you and actually appreciates you. He will not change, op. Not for you, not for anyone.

I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but I really don't see any serious future in this relationship for you.

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, a duck is probably what it is.

His family will not accept you, so he is keeping you away from them. If you are just enjoying a bit of fun, then have at it. If you see a future with him, I'm afraid the chances are very high that the two of you won't work out.

It's not worth being stuck in this relationship. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for them unless he stands up for you. If he's serious about you he should be doing this anyway. There's a thing called mutual respect but unfortunately a lot of Pakistani's don't get it, they're too worried about what other ppl will say 🙄 (speaking from experience). I don't want to tar all men with the same brush but from most of what I've seen they end up just marrying for their parents happiness. I hope this doesn't happen to you and hope it works out for you but if he's serious he's the one who will have to make it work in regards to his family accepting you.

He's hiding you from the family as he's "ashamed" of you.
OP get rid of him... don't be someone's dirty little secret.

Get someone who will be proud to walk by yours side,and shout from the rooftops about you.

Just here to confirm what other posters have said. He doesn’t see you as a long term partner.

This... I come from the same culture

I would end it now. Best to end it now and find a man who loves, respects and is proud of you. This man is none of those things.

I used to know someone who was going out with a Muslim lad (she was white British) they were together for years but it was openly known that he was going to have an arranged marriage within his own culture. My acquaintance did meet her boyfriend's mum but she was introduced as one of his friends, their relationship was never made public with the family. It seemed very difficult and upsetting for her. Your situation sounds very similar and I am so sorry but I can't see a long term future for your relationship. He is hiding you from his family because he knows they would not be happy with him being in a relationship with you.

Happened to my friend. He really loved her, you could see it but he couldn't stand up to his family. He broke it off with her and married the woman his parents found for him.

I'm sorry

I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time

That is exactly what you are. Literally his "dirty" little secret, that's how he thinks of you. What a shit of a man. Please don't tolerate this.

He's got no intention of staying with you. You're his practice run for his virgin Muslim wife. Get out with your self respect intact

I’m a Muslim. My husband wasn’t when we started dating. I had to keep him secret for several years before I told my parents.

Dating outside our culture / religion is a big deal, so for me, I needed the space to date without pressure from family. Dating = marriage, so usually, depending on the culture, you have a few months of dates and you get engaged and married. We needed to get to know each other without the pressure of getting married. And I also needed to be sure my husband was the one before I told my family and turned their world upside down.

My husband really struggled with that and it was a huge source of contention in our relationship. He simply never got it and we argued regularly over it. He was worried it would all be a waste of time and never understood why I had to keep him secret.

Everyone on here will tell you he’s stringing you along but I never strung my husband along - all his friends would say the same thing to him too and he dumped me about it at one point. But the reality is that for some cultures, things just need to be done differently to what people in the UK are used to.

Ah that’s a tough one OP.
On the one hand he could, as others have suggested, be hiding you because he’s embarrassed of you and doesn’t think you have a future together so is avoiding the risk of you meeting his family.

But another possibility is that he may be truly terrified of his family’s reaction to you. He may think in his heart that they will force him to break up with you and as he is in love with you he sees keeping you separate from his family as the only way to stay together. You see, although we usually hear of forced marriage being something that happens to girls/women, 1 in 5 victims of forced marriage are in fact boys/men. www.gov.uk/government/statistics/forced-marriage-unit-statistics-2020/forced-marriage-unit-statistics-2020

Often the precipitating factor in a forced marriage is to get the young person away from an “unsuitable” boyfriend or girlfriend. It would explain his anger too. Often anger is a mask for a fear that a person cannot admit.

Yes, I agree with this. No matter how much he loves you he will almost certainly bow to family pressure eventually. I've seen it happen more than once.

Please do not waste anymore time on this man.

I have a friend who was in a committed relationship with a Muslim man for years. He went on a family holiday and blocked her during it. She found out via Facebook that he had married a woman of the same culture on said holiday.

The above is a really horrible stereotype I know, but sadly it does happen as in this case.

Your boyfriend's mum may even think that you're a veiled Muslim which is why he doesn't want you to meet her. He will never marry you and is likely waiting for his family to find someone that they both mutually approve of.

Sorry, I know that is so harsh and I feel for you.

Oh dear OP 😞
Your heart is going to be broken. I had a good friend/ and work colleague the once who told me he wished he could be with a white girl/non-Muslim because he had fallen for one big time who he'd met on a holiday and had kept in touch/met up often etc but he'd never be able to be with her because his family wouldn't approve.
He's since gone to Pakistan and married a girl whom his dad and her dad both 'chose/agreed to' and she's over here now and they have a baby together. I still don't believe he's happy or in love. But I remember him telling me how his culture was very strict and he had to do it as they were going on and on at him because he was 'getting too old to find his own love' (as in fellow muslim)... he was 28!!!! 😳 so they did the work for him.

So sad really 😢

Oh fuck off!

I think you should really think about what you want in this scenario. I have no experience of being with people, long-term, from different cultures - I did experience sexual interactions with men from other cultures when I was younger, but it was basically being intimate and satisfying both our needs. Therefore, I'm probably not knowledgeable enough to give you advice.

What I will say is that I'm a gay man and that obviously came with potential barriers when I've met partner's family in the past. Unfortunately, not every family is supportive of gay relationships.

I've been with my dp for 22 years. His mother was a very devout Irish Catholic. He never shielded us from each other and she welcomed me into her family with open arms. She was able to overlook what her religion said about same sex relationships and treated me the same as her other son's partners. She was an amazing human.

If my dp had kept me out of his family's life, giving me excuse after excuse about why we couldn't meet, saying 'oh, we'll need to avoid such and such a place because my cousin might see us', we would not be together right now because that is a life I would not want for myself.

I don't believe people should change to be accepted into any family, and I certainly don't think a partner should perpetuate that by being dishonest with both their partner and their family.

All the best OP. You sound like a very level headed individual and I hope you never change yourself or your style for another person, or their family.

I also wonder if this is really your lifelong partner. Can you ever really be you in this relationship? One thing that's certain is you're never going to be a nice Pakistani girl. It's always going to be too difficult for anyone to meet you because sadly you can't be that person. It's only just over a year. Do you really want to invest so much more in a relationship where you can never be who he needs you to be in order to introduce you to his family? It seems a lot of complication for something that is never going to work unless he himself is a little less rigid in his own cultural views. How exactly does he suggest it is ever going to be any different being that you can never be the person he needs you to be in order to introduce you to his family? I'm another year you'll still be having the same conversation and he will still be avoiding the issue.

@Glitteratitar

Oh fuck off

Concise 🙂

You’ll probably get deleted but I’ve reported the offensive post so hopefully that’ll get deleted too.

What’s the matter don’t you like the truth or something. I’m half a century old and I’ve seen the fallout from situations like this several times and it never ends well or perhaps you think the women of Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan being beaten, imprisoned, tortured and put to death is all a massive global lie. Why don’t you fuck off and take your ignorance with you!

The issue is not his family … it’s him. He is not showing respect and love for you. You sound amazing! Celebrate and value yourself.

Have you had conversations about what will happen in the future? Why don't you suggest going out for a meal with his family? If he refuses point blank, tell him where to go.