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Original poster

Cultural clash with Muslim boyfriend

113 replies

Sheree2000 · 09/10/2022 19:34

I dunno how to feel…I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we’re 22, I’ve always wanted a relationship where I’m close with my partners family etc but my boyfriends Muslim so his mum is strict on what girls he dates she’d like them to be covered up etc preferably Muslim his nans even said to him she’d like him to find a nice Pakistani girl and I don’t fit this category at all as I’m half Jamaican and half English, have tattoos and wear revealing clothes not anything too explicit but low cut tops, tight clothes etc which his mum wouldn’t like so there’s a bit of a cultural clash I’d never wear these things around his mum or anybodys mums in previous relationships I’ve always dressed appropriately when being around my partners family. My boyfriends been hiding me from his mum the whole time we’ve been together she knows he’s in a relationship with me and he tells her when we go out together etc and she can see he’s in love with me but I’ve never met her yet and he always try’s to avoid me meeting her for example once my car broke down outside his house and his mum was going to come to the car to check I was okay but he told her no or stuff like how weve planned to go to Thorpe park later this month and my boyfriend said his cousins are gonna go and he hopes they don’t go on the same day as us otherwise he’s gonna have to try and avoid them and make sure we don’t bump into them purely because he dosent want them to meet me. I get there’s a cultural difference and that he can’t just bring any girl home like other guys etc but it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation. No horrible comments please but could I get people opinions on the situation please.

OP posts:
Inklingpot · 09/10/2022 20:40

🤔

beonmywaythen · 09/10/2022 20:40

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

This exactly.

Glitteratitar · 09/10/2022 20:41

BluesDad · 09/10/2022 20:39

What’s the matter don’t you like the truth or something. I’m half a century old and I’ve seen the fallout from situations like this several times and it never ends well or perhaps you think the women of Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan being beaten, imprisoned, tortured and put to death is all a massive global lie. Why don’t you fuck off and take your ignorance with you!

Show quote history

My ignorance? Coming from the racist fuck with half a brain cell. Ok Ken.

Puppers · 09/10/2022 20:41

Glitteratitar · 09/10/2022 20:25

I’m a Muslim. My husband wasn’t when we started dating. I had to keep him secret for several years before I told my parents.

Dating outside our culture / religion is a big deal, so for me, I needed the space to date without pressure from family. Dating = marriage, so usually, depending on the culture, you have a few months of dates and you get engaged and married. We needed to get to know each other without the pressure of getting married. And I also needed to be sure my husband was the one before I told my family and turned their world upside down.

My husband really struggled with that and it was a huge source of contention in our relationship. He simply never got it and we argued regularly over it. He was worried it would all be a waste of time and never understood why I had to keep him secret.

Everyone on here will tell you he’s stringing you along but I never strung my husband along - all his friends would say the same thing to him too and he dumped me about it at one point. But the reality is that for some cultures, things just need to be done differently to what people in the UK are used to.

Did you get angry when your husband raised the subject, like OP's boyfriend does, or did you treat him with respect and talk openly and honestly with him? Massive difference.

OP I think his family aren't really the problem. It's your boyfriend that doesn't accept you for who you are, not them. They haven't been given the chance. They do know about you and his mum even wanted to meet you, but he doesn't want to integrate you into his life. My opinion is that his expectations for life include a traditional Muslim marriage and you don't fit that bill. What you want is a relationship of equals, which he's happy to go along with right now because it also (presumably) includes sex outside of marriage and is fun and free. He doesn't see a future with you and will marry inside his culture when he feels ready to settle down.

HermioneWeasley · 09/10/2022 20:41

He doesn’t respect you. There is not future in this relationship.

LuckyLil · 09/10/2022 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

....Erm...they make jolly good Samosas?

Despairingof · 09/10/2022 20:44

It’s not going to work - either he’ll drop you for someone that is more acceptable to his family or he’ll stay with you and lose a good relationship with them. Cultural bonds are strong, they can be broken but rarely without pain

StarCourt · 09/10/2022 20:45

Op even if this did become long term or he married you, you have seen a glimpse of how your life would be. Living together makes things worse and having kids makes it much worse. I've been there.

Glitteratitar · 09/10/2022 20:45

HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2022 20:39

@Glitteratitar

Oh fuck off

Concise 🙂

You’ll probably get deleted but I’ve reported the offensive post so hopefully that’ll get deleted too.

All about keeping it simple for people whose intelligence is very questionable!

LuckyLil · 09/10/2022 20:46

BluesDad · 09/10/2022 20:39

What’s the matter don’t you like the truth or something. I’m half a century old and I’ve seen the fallout from situations like this several times and it never ends well or perhaps you think the women of Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan being beaten, imprisoned, tortured and put to death is all a massive global lie. Why don’t you fuck off and take your ignorance with you!

Show quote history

Only half a century? I rather had you down as more Dark Ages myself.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 09/10/2022 20:46

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2022 19:38

He’s not with you for the long term. He’s keeping you away from his family and will marry someone they approve of.

^^ that!

it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation

that alone should make you realise he's not 'the one'.

you'll be 'fun girlfriend' until he marries a 'suitable girl' then he'll want to keep you on for sex.

Set yourself free from this misery!

BluesDad · 09/10/2022 20:48

Glitteratitar · 09/10/2022 20:41

My ignorance? Coming from the racist fuck with half a brain cell. Ok Ken.

Show quote history

My daughters Godfather is Jamaican her Godmother is Irish. The Mother of my children is Czech. My family are Italian, Irish and Welsh. I am a Blues Musician and you call me racist. Racist is not a word that can be ascribed to me in any way. As far as I’m concerned there is only one race and that is the human race it is how people behave that defines their humanity. We are all the same breed no matter what the colour of our skin. How do you categorise people I wonder.
Perhaps you’d like to explain how a religion or cult is a race or can’t you.

ScurryfungeMaster · 09/10/2022 20:49

I dated an Asian man when I was in my late teens/early 20s and he was a lot like this. I thought it might change over time but he was just stringing me along. I ended it because I'd had enough of being kept away from his "real life" even after years of being together.

Relationships where the couple are from different cultures absolutely can and do work, but not if one person is trying to keep the other a secret. It feels like you're good enough to date but not good enough for his family to know about and that's a pretty shit feeling.

NorthernPops · 09/10/2022 20:50

Im of Pakistani background
I'd say that normally the family would want someone of their background and culture (there can be a clash of cultures in the long term)
However I know a lot of Pakistani friends who are married and have kids with people of vastly different backgrounds 🤷‍♂️
The question for you is, what do you ultimately want? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Marriage? Kids?
The people I know were serious about making it work and got married because of it

TokenGinger · 09/10/2022 20:51

Gosh, you've had some some comments to swallow here, OP.

My best friend is Muslim, so I'm coming at it from the opposite side of female Muslim, white partner. It's very difficult for the younger generation Muslims to introduce those outside of their culture to their families. It may well be that, whilst his family know he has a partner, he hasn't told them that you're not Muslim or Pakistani. The family will have an expectation that, for him to be with you, you will be learning about Islam and be willing to convert.

My friend has been with her partner for just over a year now, and her family were only prepared to meet him when they did the Shahada with their mosque's Imam. Her family quizzed him about Islam and the Quran and made sure that he wasn't just repeating words for the sake of it.

My friend has kept him from her family for this time for that exact reason - she didn't want the pressure on him and him feeling unwelcome by their expectations. The discussions about conversion and his learning of Islam took some time to broach.

Nobody can possibly say whether he's in it for the long run or not. Especially those who are not immersed in the culture themselves and do not understand how hard it is for the westernised younger generation to introduce those from outside of the culture to their families.

gogohmm · 09/10/2022 20:53

If after a year he hasn't confronted his parents' prejudices and told them about you he's not going to, you are fun until he married an appropriate wife. Honestly I would give him an ultimatum, if he hasn't introduced you within the month walk away

BluesDad · 09/10/2022 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

babba2014 · 09/10/2022 20:56

Islam isn't a culture it's a way of life and a religion.
Pakistani is the culture you may be referring to.

Muslims are not allowed to date. It go against their religion.
He's breaking his religious rules.

If you've not met his mum, she's probably not okay with him dating or he's lying to her and saying you're just a uni friend or something although that is against Islam too.

I'm just stating facts so you know the truth and you don't get played.

I'd leave him altogether. Not worth the angst.

Upsidedownagain · 09/10/2022 20:56

I know many Muslim families and marrying outside their religion very likely won't happen. They probably don't mind too much that he is "sowing his wild oats" with you but that's probably as far as it goes. He isn't standing up for you now, so that tells you all you need to know. I'd suggest moving on before you get in deeper.

SeekingMeTime · 09/10/2022 20:59

@Glitteratitar is completely correct from her first post - it’s difficult to understand if you aren’t from the culture but she put it so well will “dating = marriage”.

I was in a similar situation 5 years ago - I had to keep the relationship a secret from family until I was sure that he was the man I wanted to marry. It’s not the case of my family flat out refusing him - it was the case of you only go to your parents and tell them of a boyfriend if you are ready to marry. Even if he was Asian you keep it quiet until you know you want to marry them.

Lucky my husband (boyfriend at the time) was very understanding and patient - he did say many times over the years I don’t understand why we need to wait but you know the culture so I’ll go with it. It paid off in the end - yes it turned my family’s worlds upside down initially, but they got over it and are obsessed with how amazing my husband is now.

So I understand the overwhelming response is that he doesn’t see this as long term but I wouldn’t be so quick to listen to people who may not have any experience in the situation. If he isn’t ready to commit to getting engaged to you in the next month (or sooner) it would be incredibly hard for him to tell his parents.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/10/2022 20:59

Let him go. I’m sure he is lovely when you are together but clearly he comes from a family that is going to expect him to follow a traditional path. I think the pressure is too much to expect him to break away from this. If you love him let him go.

beonmywaythen · 09/10/2022 20:59

Glitteratitar · 09/10/2022 20:25

I’m a Muslim. My husband wasn’t when we started dating. I had to keep him secret for several years before I told my parents.

Dating outside our culture / religion is a big deal, so for me, I needed the space to date without pressure from family. Dating = marriage, so usually, depending on the culture, you have a few months of dates and you get engaged and married. We needed to get to know each other without the pressure of getting married. And I also needed to be sure my husband was the one before I told my family and turned their world upside down.

My husband really struggled with that and it was a huge source of contention in our relationship. He simply never got it and we argued regularly over it. He was worried it would all be a waste of time and never understood why I had to keep him secret.

Everyone on here will tell you he’s stringing you along but I never strung my husband along - all his friends would say the same thing to him too and he dumped me about it at one point. But the reality is that for some cultures, things just need to be done differently to what people in the UK are used to.

You're a woman. It does make a big difference in this context.

babba2014 · 09/10/2022 21:01

I'll give you another side to balance my post above. As I'm a Muslim and I don't want you to be make a fool of or string along.

I know of Muslim guys who have been interested in a non Muslims but they did convert, marry and the female has been accepted with open arms. She has embraced being a Muslim too.

I wouldn't waste my time on a man who uses his religion for certain things but isn't serious about it.
In Islam you can marry anyone, any ethnicity etc. It's culture that comes in the way. So Islam is okay with culture as long as it doesn't come in conflict with Islam. For example, not being open to other races is actually against Islam.

This is why people get the wrong message about Islam. It's actually cultural beliefs which are bad and give a bad image.

Mammed · 09/10/2022 21:01

Do you think you mean enough to him for him to cut all ties with his family for you? The only way he'll ever marry you is if he's prepared to be disowned by his entire family.
If you don't think he'll ever do that then there's no point in sticking around, there'll be no future.

Glitteratitar · 09/10/2022 21:02

Perhaps you’d like to explain how a religion or cult is a race or can’t you

Oh that old chestnut to justify racial abuse against Muslims? You’re just the gift that keeps on giving aren’t you!