Cultural clash with Muslim boyfriend

[Sheree2000]

I dunno how to feel…I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we’re 22, I’ve always wanted a relationship where I’m close with my partners family etc but my boyfriends Muslim so his mum is strict on what girls he dates she’d like them to be covered up etc preferably Muslim his nans even said to him she’d like him to find a nice Pakistani girl and I don’t fit this category at all as I’m half Jamaican and half English, have tattoos and wear revealing clothes not anything too explicit but low cut tops, tight clothes etc which his mum wouldn’t like so there’s a bit of a cultural clash I’d never wear these things around his mum or anybodys mums in previous relationships I’ve always dressed appropriately when being around my partners family. My boyfriends been hiding me from his mum the whole time we’ve been together she knows he’s in a relationship with me and he tells her when we go out together etc and she can see he’s in love with me but I’ve never met her yet and he always try’s to avoid me meeting her for example once my car broke down outside his house and his mum was going to come to the car to check I was okay but he told her no or stuff like how weve planned to go to Thorpe park later this month and my boyfriend said his cousins are gonna go and he hopes they don’t go on the same day as us otherwise he’s gonna have to try and avoid them and make sure we don’t bump into them purely because he dosent want them to meet me. I get there’s a cultural difference and that he can’t just bring any girl home like other guys etc but it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation. No horrible comments please but could I get people opinions on the situation please.

It wont work OP. He is not going to give up his family and culture.

You’re mixed race so you’re used to cultural differences. You know mixing culture can work. However, it’s obvious that your boyfriend’s family do not approve of cultural differences if he doesn’t want you to meet his family and he hides you like a dirty secret. Don’t waste any more time with him.

This actually happened to a friend of mine. Except she was also of the same cultural background, but not acceptable because she was independent, had a career, not religious.

She was with someone for years. One day he just disappeared. He reappeared a few weeks later. Married to someone on a trip back to Pakistan. His wife joined him shortly thereafter. They had a baby. He continued to try to keep in touch with my friend. They sometimes met up. I think he did genuinely love her. But he did what was expected. It was heartbreaking for her.

You’re so young. Go, find someone who can’t wait to show off how fabulous you are to his family.

This.
Please make the right decision. I'd hate for you to carry on and 5 years down the line wish you had listened to what pretty much everyone on here is saying. Please.

You're 22 - life should "... it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation."
He is the problem, not just his family. Annoyed, angry, belittling you - that's his answer.

You're 22. The world is your oyster, and you are a pearl. Get out there and see the wonder this life has to offer, rather than hiding yourself away seeking the approval of a man who, I'm sorry, you have no future with. He will marry and settle with whoever his family / community tell him to marry. His conduct to date makes it clear that he is not going to kick against it - he will comply.

Dump him and move on. Onwards and upwards! ((hug))

This situation will only get worse. This is partly due to cultural differences and partly due to his personality it seems. Get out quick. Seriously.

I would never stay with someone who wasn't proud to introduc

To PPs. It's not because of religion. That's a red herring. Plenty of Muslim men marry non-Muslim women. They tend to come from families that sound different to his and they very, very rarely need to hide their girlfriend. Talking about "I have a friend who had a Muslim boyfriend and he did X bad thing, so your boyfriend will also do X" sounds rather like you think all Muslim men are the same. Obviously I'm sure you're not suggesting that as it would be somewhat xenophobic.

To OP: but who cares about him, this is about you. It doesn't matter what his background is, he should be treating you well. You should feel he's proud of you, he respects you and cherished you. All three together. No excuses. You deserve nothing less.

This relationship isn't bringing you those feelings. It's not the relationship for you. That can be upsetting and painful, but nothing is as painful as staying in the wrong relationship. You only have one life. Don't waste it trying to squeeze into a relationship that doesn't fit.

Agree

Hi Sheree your post rings a lot of bells for me although I'm in my 30s.

I'm English and have a wonderful friend who is an Afghan man. He's genuinely lovely.

How did we meet and why are we just friends? We dated but it didn't work because of the cultural differences you detail. It was not much different because we were 10-15 years older. Ok, if his friends incidentally bumped into us that was ok but I was still excluded from his home and social life except with western or work friends.

I'm not saying nobody can make such a relationship work but unfortunately, he is struggling to prioritise you at all above the expectations placed upon him by his particular family and culture. These are very different to those from yours as you know and include things like not being able to allow you into his family home, introduce you to everyone in his life, talk about your relationship openly.

This is impacting you in ways that are leaving you feeling diminished and like a secret. This is actually a very damaging way to feel for your mental health. He is placing a lot of blame on you, saying you don't understand his culture. Well actually, I think you do understand a lot of it. It isn't just for you to absorb the differences, he has to play a part in managing them and he isn't doing so.

I'm sorry to see I don't see this as changing much and I would suggest amicably leaving the relationship as I ended up doing. Nobody's culture is right or wrong, but his doesn't have the right to dominate the relationship and your feelings to this extent. Also, if a partner's family are openly disapproving or critical of you, this really affects any relationship unless the partner is fully on board with ignoring them/ defending you.

You're 22. Get out there and have a ball. Not to belittle your maturity or feelings as you sound really tolerant and thoughtful but you should never, ever have to feel like a secret or not good enough/ right because of who you are. You've given it a good go with this guy but don't expect anything to change.

Were he ever to marry you I think the expectations and pressure on you to conform to his family’s ways If thinking will be immense. He’s probably having fun Brit he settles down but I’d leave sooner rather than later.

I've seen this happen many times

He will never put you first

His first priority is himself & his family

End this relationship today

Find someone who will love you & want to share time with your family & their family

You are worth more

I went through the exact same with a bf at your age. Together 3 years. Then he broke up with me as his mum found him a wife.

I was devastated but it turned out the best. Married myself for over 20 years now with kids.

You need to either just enjoy your relationship for what it is now or leave if you expect different.