Cultural clash with Muslim boyfriend

[Sheree2000]

I dunno how to feel…I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we’re 22, I’ve always wanted a relationship where I’m close with my partners family etc but my boyfriends Muslim so his mum is strict on what girls he dates she’d like them to be covered up etc preferably Muslim his nans even said to him she’d like him to find a nice Pakistani girl and I don’t fit this category at all as I’m half Jamaican and half English, have tattoos and wear revealing clothes not anything too explicit but low cut tops, tight clothes etc which his mum wouldn’t like so there’s a bit of a cultural clash I’d never wear these things around his mum or anybodys mums in previous relationships I’ve always dressed appropriately when being around my partners family. My boyfriends been hiding me from his mum the whole time we’ve been together she knows he’s in a relationship with me and he tells her when we go out together etc and she can see he’s in love with me but I’ve never met her yet and he always try’s to avoid me meeting her for example once my car broke down outside his house and his mum was going to come to the car to check I was okay but he told her no or stuff like how weve planned to go to Thorpe park later this month and my boyfriend said his cousins are gonna go and he hopes they don’t go on the same day as us otherwise he’s gonna have to try and avoid them and make sure we don’t bump into them purely because he dosent want them to meet me. I get there’s a cultural difference and that he can’t just bring any girl home like other guys etc but it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation. No horrible comments please but could I get people opinions on the situation please.

You need to end it, he will marry someone his family want.

You're a woman. It does make a big difference in this context

Not really tbh. It’s actually a bigger deal for a woman to marry out of the culture than it is for a man.

You're only 22. If you were a close friend or sister or mine, I'd be advising you move on.

This relationship wont work. His family won't accept you and if they do, it will require you to change which you should never do for someone else.

Find someone where you can both be open with your network of loved ones.

How would having a family with him ever work? It just wouldn't.

Your car broke down outside his house. His mum was going to come outside to check you were ok. Your boyfriend stopped her!
You don't have a cultural clash. You have a boyfriend problem!

I understand cultural clashes exist, I know people who have married and worked through it and others who haven't managed that. The key is for everyone involved to want to bridge the gap, find common ground. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is doing anything to try to bridge that gap. He just sounds embarrassed by you. I think you deserve better.

I’m also mixed white and black and I’ve been there, for 6 years. I can confirm he is now married to a Pakistani girl

This isn't necessarily true.

I'd been with my Muslim OH two years before he told his parents. This was easy to do as they live in a different country. Initially they took it badly, but slowly they're thawing out. I'm flying to India for half term to meet them, they've invited us to stay at their home, and we are for a couple of days.

Going against culture, and parents who are often very manipulative, is incredibly hard, and it takes time to build up to it. OH and I talked about it regularly though, and that's probably the difference.

Sadly you will never be fully accepted by his family and if you ever are you will be forced into their culture and way of life, if you don't want that then leave now as it's still early days. Staying will create more heartbreak for you. Good luck

This is very similar to OH and I.

We've been together 3.5 years. He told his parents 18 months ago. I fly to India to meet the family in a couple of weeks.

Marriage is on the cards, but on our timeline.

He's not showing you to host family, because he doesn't plan to be with you long term. You're good enough to be his GF, but this won't progress into marriage IF that's what you want.

His family won't accept you, as you being birracial ( I'm black myself) is probably enough to make them not be on board never mind the other stuff.

I think you need to accept he will choose his family & culture over you. I know 2 girls who have been in the same position & both kept a secret. Both guys seemed nice & treated the girls well etc but they never ever met his family. I will put money on it that you will never meet them, they won’t accept you & he will marry someone his daily approve of.

Congratulations! It must be an exciting time for you!

My DH and I are very happy. My parents love him and treat him like another son. In fact, my parents treat him better than my in laws treat me and I am on the receiving end of racism from his side whereas my side have fully adopted him into the family.

Some cultures just need to do things differently, that’s all. Of course there are people who string their partners along and then settle with someone their parents chose, but not every relationship is like that.

@StarDolphins · Today 21:15
I think you need to accept he will choose his family & culture over you. I know 2 girls who have been in the same position & both kept a secret. Both guys seemed nice & treated the girls well etc but they never ever met his family. I will put money on it that you will never meet them, they won’t accept you & he will marry someone his daily approve of.

Yes totally agree with this

It will be a massive challenge. I say this as a Muslim who married another Muslim from the same part of the world, but with big economic and cultural differences between our families. My father warned me against marrying him as he said the differences are too big. I thought I knew better and that love would conquer all etc. It ended badly. I lost so much of who I was trying to fit into a backward community. I’d urge you to think carefully. If his family are closed-minded (sounds like they are), you’ll have an uphill battle and it will be you who makes all the sacrifices. You are young and there will be other people for you. Don’t waste your youth on this man. I really wish I hadn’t.

You are not Miss Right, you are Miss Right now. He will date you until its time to marry then he will dump you and marry someone from his own culture.

Ugh this happened to my friend. Eventually he dumped her and married a muslim girl.

You’re the “just for now” / “sowing his wild oats” girl I’m afraid. It isn’t some complex culture clash, this is an old story that occurs in every culture. Man is attracted to hot girl and wants to sleep with her, so tells her they’re in a relationship while planning to eventually dump her and marry someone else more suited to his ideal wife. Posh men do it to non-posh girls, Asians do it Europeans, white American girls do it to their black high school boyfriends, Tories do it with their Labour fling, etc etc

The biggest problem is his anger. You wanna spend your life with someone who can’t discuss problems civilly? This is the easy bit! Life gets a lot harder as you age, trust me! Find yourself a partner who treats you with respect, introduces you to his family, takes care of you when you need it, and picks you up when you’re down. Not this man.

I’m sorry ☹️

Many Muslims date outside their religion, they don't hide their partners @Sheree2000

Thank you! I'm a mix of excited and terrified!

At least there can only ever be one "first meeting" 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣.

This won't end how you want it to. Leave before you get too hurt.

I agree. Also, some Muslim men have a very low opinion of western women.

He doesn't sound keen to take your relationship onto the next stage and its likely he never will. Its up to you if you want to continue waiting. You are both barely more than kids with your whole lives ahead of you. I've been married to a foreign Muslim man for 20 years. in my experience its never been the religion that's the challenge, its the cultural differences. I can't emphasise enough how difficult your lives can become when you come from very different backgrounds. I wouldn't recommend it!

From experience (married 28 years and 2 DC) it’s hard to make a marriage work when you don’t share the same religion and culture even if the family accept you.
Compromise is so much harder when you have children.
Walk away now.

He isn't even giving you chance for them to 'approve' is he?

Who wants to bet that the OP isn’t coming back?

The pressure on him is probably more than you can know, because you are not Muslim. Because it is intense, he will not change. He would have started the different life by now.

I have lived in Mid East and have seen mixed marriages that worked. However, there is no optimism in your post. He thinks 'They' are right.
Do not see a future, sorry.

I've had two friends in just this situation - they had to be secret from the parents etc.

Both ended with them splitting up and the man marrying someone from his own culture.

I wouldn't waste your time on him for a minute longer.