Adoring DH or weird/controlling behaviour?

[suffocated71]

I am feeling utterly suffocated by DH and his "adoring attention". Both early 50's, Together 30 years, 2 DC at uni and one doing A levels.
I know there is no such thing as normal but would like some perspective on this. My DH's attention is constant, suffocating and giving me the ick/anxiety.
Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day) . I know some people might say I am being ungrateful - but trust me the level of these things and the constant tirade is just werid.
If I am going out (even to work) he will say I don't want you to go - or if I am going out with friends things like "you always look nice when you go out with other people".
He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children. He wasn't like this when we met (although he has always disliked me having male friends etc), but this has just grown over the years to the point it is now.
There is always some guilt tripping involved - but he would totally deny this. I have tried gently addressing some things (like I don't want you to go out - he would just say is it wrong for me to miss my wife? I want to spend time with my wife). If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).
He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment. We don't actually do much together and it is 99% of the time instigated by me. He has friends but rarely goes out (although his hobbies might take him away for a week or 2 once or twice a year). I am dreading my youngest leaving home. There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.
He thinks we are perfect - and so does the outside world, everyone seems to think we are this perfect adoring couple. I just feel pathetic that in my work life I am assertive and professional but just meak and avoiding at home. Don't know how to tackle this.

OP that doesn’t sound adoring and loving at all, it sounds deeply uncomfortable and like you’re under constant pressure to mask your true feelings.

I know this word is bandied about a lot these days, but he sounds like a manipulative, possibly covert narcissist. There is something about your description that is making my neck tingle (in a bad way!).

Do you think about leaving him / what life could be like without that level of constant neediness?

Sounds awful, I couldn't put up with that. You really need to address this with him, that's not normal behaviour.

It sounds like it comes from a good place but I can completely see why it is really annoying. My husband is always complementing me and saying he loves me multiple times a day and after the first time I just say I know you told me! I think it comes from insecurity on their part, I think it's partly what they want to hear. I'm not really a lovely dovey person but I try to be affectionate back. I think your husband feels insecure in your relationship for whatever reason. I think you need to talk to him to reassure him of your feelings for him and tell him that though they come from a good place you don't need the constant comments as you feel secure and loved and don't need them. I also think he needs to get himself a hobby!

He sounds weird - 30 years of that?

What happens if you tell him the things he says make you cringe?

I couldn't live like this. This is not affection. This man is manipulative, controlling and emotionally immature.

Is this a new thing? From my experience, this kind of behaviour indicated a neurological illness, really scary loss of cognition for the sufferer, translating into really dependant and oppressive need for my presence. I run if you can afford to and it's best for the children.

What do you mean by a token effort, does he work. Not normal, it's very controlling. My dh is happy for me to go out with male friends.

It sounds weird and needy, but the main thing that matters is - are you happy in this relationship?

@Cotswoldmama It's more than annoying (everyone has annoying things) - it actually makes me monitor my behaviour (Like turn down an invite because he won't like it if I am out 2 nights that week, cut a phone call short with mum because he will be asking the back ground how long am I going to be). I don't feel loved and secure - I feel like I can't be me.

It's not healthy. Being jealous of you spending time with the kids? That rang massive alarm bells.

I had a wanker like that once. he rated highly on the narcissistic scale.

He also though jobs were beneath him. I was his skivvy. He wanted others to do all the mental workload, menial jobs etc.

But the bombardment has made you feel ungrateful because it's all nice things he's saying right. Except they're not when you break them down. He's jealous. Needy. Doesn't want you of his sight. It's all very controlling not loving.

No wonder you’ve got the ick.
He is trying to control you with his words.

I’d find all that really irritating and suffocating too, especially the fact that if you try and address it sensibly he can’t have a proper conversation about his behaviour.

You need to do something before your youngest leaves home or you’ll go mad!

Might counselling work? So you have someone to mediate the conversation and make him actually listen without getting defensive?

Controlling. Has it got to the point where you’d consider leaving? What would happen if you ignored him and went out anyway?

You have to tackle this head on, you really do.. It's only going to get way worse when it's just the two of you and you are obviously deeply unhappy. You need to admit, to yourself, how seriously wrong this really is. It's just possible he might get an insight into his behaviour though I doubt it. Do something about it now while you are young don't wait another 10 years.

@Nosecamera not a recent thing - just progressive over the years. He has had MH issues in the past but I am 100% sure this is not what you describe. He functions perfectly well in all sorts of situations - although I have noticed he plays stupid with things he doesn't want to get involved in terms of life stuff "you are so much better than me at this xyz...." when I try to get him to take more responsibility for things.

Considering your update, I think you really should consider leaving him, you sound deeply unhappy and he brings nothing but narcissism to the relationship.

How have you stayed all these years and not gone mad, OP?
And believe me, people notice.My cousin does the ‘Where’s my wife, my beautiful, perfect wife?’ BS and we all roll our eyes. I see the guy every 5 years and even just those little snippets bother me. It’s possession and neediness masquerading as romantic love. Terribly suffocating. The irony is, if he got the ick/met someone else, he’d be gone like a shot! That won’t happen but my point is, you’ve the patience of a saint (and that’s not necessarily a good thing; for your own health’s sake).

It is manipulative and controlling. Not surprised you feel suffocated and unhappy.

That would drive me nuts.

Doesn't he go out with friends or do things without you.

The problem with someone being suffocating and clingy is that I'd want to shake them off.

And yes, as a PP said, he sounds highly manipulative.

The thing that strikes me is his repeated use of “my wife”. I miss my wife, where is my wife etc etc . It’s like you aren’t a person but an extension of him.
Its weird and creepy and controlling and I couldn’t live with it.

This does not come from a good place at all. It's highly manipulative and not just irritating but anger inducing. But I bet you never get angry about it because then he'd kick off.

I'd be working on an exit plan.

OP this is coercive control. It does not come from a good place, nor is it well meaning. Behaving like this is a deliberate tactic to stop you doing what you want to do. It's to benefit him and his feelings only. It sounds like you are actively changing your behaviour as a result (turning down invitations)

I would consider getting some advice from your local domestic abuse support service (can be found on your local council website but don't let him know your looking it up, hide your search history). I would also consider whether you want to keep having to live like this

That sounds smothering and controlling. It will feel worse when it is just the two of you. I'd suggest doing many more things on your own and telling him that you find his behaviour difficult. In the longer run I'd plan to separate.

I’d probably hang around to not disrupt your youngest’s A levels and also because it gives you time to plan a smooth exit. I got the irrits just reading that.

Agree with PP - this sounds unhealthy, manipulative, controlling, smothering and generally awful. It’s not about love because it’s all about what he wants not what you want. Also as a PP said - he doesn’t think you’re a person in your own right - he thinks you belong to him.

You have only really touched on his lack of contribution to the relationship - you’ve said you have carried the load in the family including the financial load but not gone into detail. But from the snippets, I would guess that he knows damn well that he’s selfish, lazy, exploitative and getting much the better deal here and he’s literally trying to keep you with him at all times in case you leave because deep down he knows you’d be better off without him. That’s also why he bullies you with displays of temper when you try to talk to him about your needs.

I wouldn’t be able to stand this. In your shoes, I’d want to walk.