Adoring DH or weird/controlling behaviour?

[suffocated71]

I am feeling utterly suffocated by DH and his "adoring attention". Both early 50's, Together 30 years, 2 DC at uni and one doing A levels.
I know there is no such thing as normal but would like some perspective on this. My DH's attention is constant, suffocating and giving me the ick/anxiety.
Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day) . I know some people might say I am being ungrateful - but trust me the level of these things and the constant tirade is just werid.
If I am going out (even to work) he will say I don't want you to go - or if I am going out with friends things like "you always look nice when you go out with other people".
He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children. He wasn't like this when we met (although he has always disliked me having male friends etc), but this has just grown over the years to the point it is now.
There is always some guilt tripping involved - but he would totally deny this. I have tried gently addressing some things (like I don't want you to go out - he would just say is it wrong for me to miss my wife? I want to spend time with my wife). If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).
He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment. We don't actually do much together and it is 99% of the time instigated by me. He has friends but rarely goes out (although his hobbies might take him away for a week or 2 once or twice a year). I am dreading my youngest leaving home. There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.
He thinks we are perfect - and so does the outside world, everyone seems to think we are this perfect adoring couple. I just feel pathetic that in my work life I am assertive and professional but just meak and avoiding at home. Don't know how to tackle this.

Does this prick work op?

Like one of the PP’s I think he may have the start of dementia. Following you around, asking where you are, constantly seeking reassurance and deferring to you. These are all signs that his judgement and reasoning may be deteriorating. Is he having memory changes too?

with dementia often comes anxiety and low mood hence the onset of these behaviours.

im a psychiatric nurse and this was my first thought about your situation.

You are in an abusive, controlling relationship with an angry man who uses anger to control you.

30 years?
What a nightmare.

His behaviour is not love, it's controlling and suffocating.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy", because that is you to a T.

You need to leave.
There is NO fixing this.

He is not a good man.
I am married 30 years and I cannot imagine how you have suffered this for that long.

You must be thinking of retirement at some point?

You do not want this man controlling your retirement.

Find a solicitor and start planning your exit financially, renting a small home, where you would live.

Start telling friends and family so you have support.

The weight of him not controlling you would feel incredible to shake off.

Do not give him a hint of your plans.

I suspect there is a very nasty, vicious man lurking underneath his facade.

Women's aid is for women just like you.
Call them and have a chat.

Keep posting here for support if you like.

We are here for you.

The menopause absolutely shortens the tolerance of women without a doubt.

Mine went on for a decade and whilst my husband definitely irritated me and got on my tits at times (everyone did!) I always knew that it was more me being hormonal than anything.

He is a kind good man and I knew that.

However, if you are married to a slightly selfish, self absorbed, suits himself type of man, not bad or abusive, just a bit selfish, then menopause is going to be tough on them.

In my circle those men have found their wives to be intolerant, brutal and brooking no bullshit from them.

They have been told to shape up or ship out and they had better step up.

They all have in fairness to them.
Several friends have said they wished they had been firmer a decade earlier.

What the OP is describing is NOT normal behaviour or normal marital irritation.

He is a malevolent presence in her life, following her around, controlling her behaviour and listening to her calls.

It's all types of fxxked up.

Not normal.

Some men get like this in retirement and it is such a relief if they die first.

I really hope the OP realises that this doesn't have to be the remainder of her life.

30 years of this? WtF🙄

Well said @billy1966 ... well-intentioned "menopause" suggestions could easily derail OP who is presumably accustomed to minimising her feelings and normalising what is an outrageous situation.

It's controlling and awful. What are the consequences if you carry on phone conversations or something, longer than he would like?

I've heard many examples of older men becoming possessive and controlling as they get older. Not wanting their wives to spend time away from them, feigning incompetence so that they get looked after and prioritised. It's the absolute last thing a woman in your stage of life needs - you've been needed and needed by your DC for 2 decades, possibly elderly parents too? He needs a brutal wake up call. You need to make it super clear he cannot control you like that, you find it suffocating and it has the opposite effect. If he doesn't take it on board you must think carefully about how you want the rest of your life to play out.

Dear Op,

l have been in your shoes. Some of what you have written is eerily familiar.

The declarations of adoration, the compliments, the excessive affection.

My STBXH wasn’t quite as bad as yours as he thankfully had an obsessive hobby that l was very grateful for ( it gave me space)

However like you l would modify my behaviour and reactions. Looking back, l would actually pre- empt situations as l knew he would react badly.

I ended up very lonely and isolated and neglected my social life to the point l would be lucky if l had a social outing once a month let alone twice a week.

However l blamed myself for not responding to his devoted ways, saw it as a positive attribute of his and so felt the fault was with me.

It took a crisis of some historic infidelities on his part for me to see him clearly. I needed space and he couldn’t give it to me as he simply couldn’t cope without his supply of affection from me.

His need for intimacy became predatory and it broke the marriage.

Now some time later, l view his behaviour as stemming from deep insecurity and an obsessive need for connection with me. He does suffer from OCD and there was a compulsive repetitive element to his behaviour.

However l can no longer be ‘his supply’ and we are divorcing. I think you need to take this time to reflect deeply on what you want your rest of your life to look like. My advice would be get some individual counselling to work this out and if you decide you want to work on the marriage then get couples counselling.

One of the nicest things l do now is have weekend breaks away with my oldest son, just the two of us. Something l would never of even dreamed of doing as my ex would have felt so left out.

Me too OP, very similar - he wanted to go to couple counselling but I said no as he’d just have manipulated the whole situation…

suggest a trial separation and then when you’ve got some space you’ll know how you really feel. He might agree to it or he might get nasty (mine did) and that just underlined that I was making the right decision.

@Cotswoldmama

It sounds like it comes from a good place

I think your husband feels insecure in your relationship for whatever reason. I think you need to talk to him to reassure him of your feelings for him

Are you reading a different OP?!

How is the following coming from a 'good place' and why do you think OP should pander to a man who acts as she describes below?

He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children.

If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).

He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment.

he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.

He's a controlling, emotionally manipulative selfish man who thinks his wife exists to cater to his needs rather than being an equal party who is her own entity as well as a partner.

How pathetically immature to be jealous of your wife spending time alone with the children.

Really surprised that in 2022 the advice is still to 'reassure' a controlling, manipulative man who is incapable of having a mature conversation, rather than consider leaving him.

I feel suffocated even reading your OP to be honest. I don't know how you stick it!

@monsteramunch completely agree, but many women are conditioned to always put a man, no matter how awful, ahead of basic common sense.

@Whatdirection, nice to hear that you are doing so well and moving forward.

He knows well that he is a controlling bastard but he is also very aware that his workhorse wife has supported him financially whilst always carrying the mental load too.

You have been abused for years and utterly ground down by him.

Get your house quietly valued.
Get all paperwork together.
Get some counselling for support.
Call Womens aid.
Look at a small rental for yourself.

You are a long-term highly abused woman.

There is NOTHING loving or kind about him.

Be prepared for nasty victim mode.

Be open about how he has abused and controlled you for years.

Use the words abusive and controlling and how no one knows how you have suffered.

Do not allow him to assume victim mode.

Be ready for him.

By getting on to Womens aid and having it confirmed, will be good to tell friends and family.

You do not owe him your future.

He is a freak, jealous of his own children 🙄

Both my divorces I had that gut feeling that it was over.
The 2nd one I felt very very upset as I had invested so much in him, 20 years, but deep down I knew it was the end.
What does you gut feeling tell you? Do you feel this could be worked through or really has it come to an end.
Only you know this really.

Jealous of the kids is disgusting I agree, but sadly it’s not uncommon; most men, I think, have a word with themselves and get over it, but my XH and OP’s H obviously aren’t mature enough 🤬

@Whatdirection blimey- are you me!!almost identical situation apart from we aren't divorcing- well it at the moment - it took a discovery of historical 'disloyalty' for me to realise that he had well and truly 'blotted his copybook' and made a right mug of my trust and loyalty. One thing I discovered was that people doing idiotic disloyal stuff , can also be the very same ones who are telling you that you are amazing and how much they love you .

I thought you meant it was something new. That's why I thought he must have suddenly got insecure about something. If it has been a constant increase then that's definitely not ok, in fact its like he's purposely done it that way so you don't notice or question his behaviour until it's now unbearable. If he can't see how or listen to how his behaviour is effecting you I don't think there's anyway the situation is going to change. I think you need to get out of the relationship.

I would make a plan to coincide with the day your youngest child leaves home. You don't have to live like this. Can you rent your own place nearby if you don't want to divorce?(sorry haven't read the whole thread) or live separately in the same house. It sounds relentless.

financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him

No wonder hrs so worried about losing you.

In general his behaviour would be weird and unhealthy for a short relationship, in such a long one it's absolutely bizarre.

He sounds suffocating and controlling and manipulative. He sounds quite mental actually.

Please ignore the dementia suggestion. If this was entirely new behaviour, out of the blue, then absolutely - i'd be interested in checking his mental and physical health. it sounds like it's NOT new behaviour though> it's been going on for years and for whatever reason it's taken until now for you to really understand that it's not okay.

Oh sorry I made the dementia suggestion. I didn’t realise the behaviour had been ongoing for a very long time.

This is control masked as care. It’s a bit creepy as well….

How are you OP?

I can only echo the tone of the replies OP. Poor you and omg. No wonder you are so anxious, living your entire life according to how your suffocating husband will react to ordinary activities. No one bides in peace under those circumstances.
The fawning...what can I say? I like an assurance, a confirmation and a compliment as much as the next person but what you describe makes me shudder. It's not an expression of love but ownership and if it were me he'd have been told to fucking stop it a long time ago. It feels creepy because it is.

No no no this is no way adoration, it’s quite worrying actually you can adore someone without all this. It’s actually giving me the ick, I couldn’t put up with that for a day! So needy! He’s trying his best to keep you with him by telling you how much he loves you etc! Just reading this makes me claustrophobic never mind living it! He sounds pathetic and weak not the type of man I would like, I can’t think of a woman that would love to live like this, to be honest I don’t know how you have lived like this for 30 years