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Original poster

Adoring DH or weird/controlling behaviour?

124 replies

suffocated71 · 08/10/2022 07:22

I am feeling utterly suffocated by DH and his "adoring attention". Both early 50's, Together 30 years, 2 DC at uni and one doing A levels.
I know there is no such thing as normal but would like some perspective on this. My DH's attention is constant, suffocating and giving me the ick/anxiety.
Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day) . I know some people might say I am being ungrateful - but trust me the level of these things and the constant tirade is just werid.
If I am going out (even to work) he will say I don't want you to go - or if I am going out with friends things like "you always look nice when you go out with other people".
He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children. He wasn't like this when we met (although he has always disliked me having male friends etc), but this has just grown over the years to the point it is now.
There is always some guilt tripping involved - but he would totally deny this. I have tried gently addressing some things (like I don't want you to go out - he would just say is it wrong for me to miss my wife? I want to spend time with my wife). If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).
He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment. We don't actually do much together and it is 99% of the time instigated by me. He has friends but rarely goes out (although his hobbies might take him away for a week or 2 once or twice a year). I am dreading my youngest leaving home. There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.
He thinks we are perfect - and so does the outside world, everyone seems to think we are this perfect adoring couple. I just feel pathetic that in my work life I am assertive and professional but just meak and avoiding at home. Don't know how to tackle this.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 08/10/2022 10:50

Sounds like a classic covert narcissist to me.

Sounds horrendous.

Unfortunately, if you try to change or talk to him his behaviour will ramp up.

Think about this.... do you think it is in the slightest bit normal or healthy to a) feel you can't talk to your mum? B) know your dh is jealous of your joint dc? C) feel scared to go out more than every now and again?!

And on top of that, he doesn't contribute practically or financially.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/10/2022 11:18

I know exactly how you feel OP, my H is like this too. He's always been a bit like this but it ramped up once our son left home. In our case he is insecure because I found out about a previous old emotional affair, I nearly left but didn't and now I think he feels he has to be OTT about me being amazing whereas it irritates me more. We've stayed together but it's definitely not the same. I realised though I now had the upper hand so I just ignore the neediness stuff.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/10/2022 11:21

So if he has always been like this, then chances are it’s because what you enjoyed when first together, then tolerated in later years and now you’re just done with it.

I suspect this is a marriage that simply doesn’t work for you anymore op

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/10/2022 11:21

Crikeyalmighty · 08/10/2022 11:18

I know exactly how you feel OP, my H is like this too. He's always been a bit like this but it ramped up once our son left home. In our case he is insecure because I found out about a previous old emotional affair, I nearly left but didn't and now I think he feels he has to be OTT about me being amazing whereas it irritates me more. We've stayed together but it's definitely not the same. I realised though I now had the upper hand so I just ignore the neediness stuff.

Was he like this during the affair?

TheCatterall · 08/10/2022 11:21

Oh god I’d find that terribly suffocating and like I have to just tell him. Victim mode or not.

Id attempt a ‘we’ conversation. Rather than a - you do this and it drives me mad. Maybe a ‘we seem to have gone off track in our relationship, and I’ve noticed when I do this you now react like that… this makes me feel uncomfortable and I miss how we used to be’.

he’s not going to be happy regardless. But not saying anything - that won’t change anything either. I suggest counselling either as a couple or individual. And tell him it’s not optional. It’s mandatory to save your relationship. If he’s not willing to do that or fully engage in conversation without angry man/victim mode then that would be my final straw.

50’s now. Imagine your youngest has left the nest. You are both retired. Together 24/7. His behaviour is going to ramp up when it’s just the two of you.

‘my wife’. I’d tell him I have an identity outside of ‘wife’ and that I find it suffocating when that’s what my whole personality’s and purpose is boiled down to. Do you still have any romantic feelings for him? Or intimacy? It has his behaviour killed it off?

I’m sorry you have this to deal with @suffocated71 and I wish you the best in handling it.

Me. I wouldn’t be declining any social events for one. Anything to get out the house.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/10/2022 11:22

Crikeyalmighty · 08/10/2022 11:18

I know exactly how you feel OP, my H is like this too. He's always been a bit like this but it ramped up once our son left home. In our case he is insecure because I found out about a previous old emotional affair, I nearly left but didn't and now I think he feels he has to be OTT about me being amazing whereas it irritates me more. We've stayed together but it's definitely not the same. I realised though I now had the upper hand so I just ignore the neediness stuff.

Why do you have the “upper hand”?

KosherDill · 08/10/2022 11:24

suffocated71 · 08/10/2022 07:22

I am feeling utterly suffocated by DH and his "adoring attention". Both early 50's, Together 30 years, 2 DC at uni and one doing A levels.
I know there is no such thing as normal but would like some perspective on this. My DH's attention is constant, suffocating and giving me the ick/anxiety.
Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day) . I know some people might say I am being ungrateful - but trust me the level of these things and the constant tirade is just werid.
If I am going out (even to work) he will say I don't want you to go - or if I am going out with friends things like "you always look nice when you go out with other people".
He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children. He wasn't like this when we met (although he has always disliked me having male friends etc), but this has just grown over the years to the point it is now.
There is always some guilt tripping involved - but he would totally deny this. I have tried gently addressing some things (like I don't want you to go out - he would just say is it wrong for me to miss my wife? I want to spend time with my wife). If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).
He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment. We don't actually do much together and it is 99% of the time instigated by me. He has friends but rarely goes out (although his hobbies might take him away for a week or 2 once or twice a year). I am dreading my youngest leaving home. There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.
He thinks we are perfect - and so does the outside world, everyone seems to think we are this perfect adoring couple. I just feel pathetic that in my work life I am assertive and professional but just meak and avoiding at home. Don't know how to tackle this.

I have a friend whose husband was like this. Suffocating and controlling. He died unexpectedly and she didn't even make a pretense of grief.

In fact I've never been 100 pct sure she didn't nudge him along.

outtheshowernow · 08/10/2022 11:29

I would not be his WIFE much longer. How creepy

Snowberry3 · 08/10/2022 11:29

I would plan for a possible divorce. Know how finances would be shared out, who lives where how things are afterwards, maybe speak to a solicitor.
Then you are in a strong position- you’ve thought it all through and if it comes to it you will be looking to separate.
Then you can have honest discussions over the situation rather than ‘divorce’ just being an airy threat he won’t believe.

Maybe write down a list of his annoying selfish behaviour and have it out with him.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/10/2022 11:30

If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type

doesn’t sound very “loving” to me

FurAndFeathers · 08/10/2022 11:38

suffocated71 · 08/10/2022 07:47

@Cotswoldmama It's more than annoying (everyone has annoying things) - it actually makes me monitor my behaviour (Like turn down an invite because he won't like it if I am out 2 nights that week, cut a phone call short with mum because he will be asking the back ground how long am I going to be). I don't feel loved and secure - I feel like I can't be me.

You are being coercively controlled. It’s a form of emotional abuse.

he is limiting and controlling your life and choices, and punishing you when you don’t comply.
it isn’t love, it’s abuse

gamerchick · 08/10/2022 11:46

There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him

This is why he clings OP. It's nothing to do with adoring you. It's about control and keeping a nice cushy little number for himself.

orangeisthenewpuce · 08/10/2022 11:50

I'd never cut a phone call short because my husband was asking me how long I was going to be, I'd tell him to fuck off. Stuff the gentle addressing that you've done. I don't understand why you've done it gently.

layladomino · 08/10/2022 11:53

He doesn't sound loving at all. He says 'I love you' but his actions aren't those of a loving man. Anyone can SAY loving things, but the fact he sulks, controls, manipulates and leaves you to do all the work / mental work show this is not a loving man.

He's just controlling you by SAYING the 'right' things (and over doing it to the extent of being really irritating as well).

EndlessMagpies · 08/10/2022 11:56

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2022 07:57

The thing that strikes me is his repeated use of “my wife”. I miss my wife, where is my wife etc etc . It’s like you aren’t a person but an extension of him.
Its weird and creepy and controlling and I couldn’t live with it.

I find it disconcerting too. It is as though he doesn't think of you as an individual in your own right, but only as a possession.

This is not something I could put up with for anything like as long as you have.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 08/10/2022 11:58

I saw a meme the other day "If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused".

A domestic abuse charity would talk through your worries with you and help you to identify if you are being abused and what you might like to do about it. There is no pressure. A good resource to have a look at is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - if you Google it, there's usually a free pdf version available.

People with strong narcissistic traits maintain the "perfect" image to the outside world, and it makes us as partners/children doubt ourselves and feel powerless. I can't say if your husband is that way, but there are things in your posts that would certainly merit some exploration.

Toomanysleepycats · 08/10/2022 12:08

My Stbxh and I are retired, he does very little practical help around the house.

Often told me he loved me, but his actions belied his words. I also had to monitor what I said and did to escape his ire, and his immediate reaction if I did bring anything up was a fuck off and storm out of the room.

I went to therapy to deal with my unhappiness and realised he was emotionally and financially abusing me.

I told him I wanted relationship counselling. It all blew up from there. But in spite of all his protestations of love, there has not been an ounce of love shown since.

I realise he was manipulating me. How could I think he was an arse when he told me he loved me so often. He didn’t love me, he loved the way of life that he had built for himself, but was to my detriment.

Don’t be fooled, he is manipulating you to stay with him.

KosherDill · 08/10/2022 12:10

Toomanysleepycats · 08/10/2022 12:08

My Stbxh and I are retired, he does very little practical help around the house.

Often told me he loved me, but his actions belied his words. I also had to monitor what I said and did to escape his ire, and his immediate reaction if I did bring anything up was a fuck off and storm out of the room.

I went to therapy to deal with my unhappiness and realised he was emotionally and financially abusing me.

I told him I wanted relationship counselling. It all blew up from there. But in spite of all his protestations of love, there has not been an ounce of love shown since.

I realise he was manipulating me. How could I think he was an arse when he told me he loved me so often. He didn’t love me, he loved the way of life that he had built for himself, but was to my detriment.

Don’t be fooled, he is manipulating you to stay with him.

Very insightful. I think this was exactly the situation with my friend and her husband.

He wanted a mum, not a wife.

zåäö · 08/10/2022 12:19

When your youngest leave, leave too.

Octomore · 08/10/2022 12:24

GCAcademic · 08/10/2022 07:40

I couldn't live like this. This is not affection. This man is manipulative, controlling and emotionally immature.

This.

He doesn't like you even going to work or seeing friends? Fuck that.

EL8888 · 08/10/2022 12:35

Sounds weird, annoying and controlling. What does he bring to the table exactly? It doesn’t seem financial or his contribution round the house. Im not sure if he acts the way he does to control you / keep you close and / or so you don’t notice you’re carrying him?

Original poster
suffocated71 · 08/10/2022 14:20

I do go out and do my own thing (including time away with friends etc) but I do feel like I have to limit it from what I would really like to do. Yes I have thought about leaving. This morning when I posted my anxiety was through the roof and I thought I can't deal with this anymore. Now I feel calmer and wonder if I am over-reacting (but then I am working and away from home, so no stress.)

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 08/10/2022 14:29

He’s actually abusive -mainly controlling.
can you begin to ignore the comments and carry on your business.
it would be very waring.

Whydidimarryhim · 08/10/2022 14:29

To add +he sees you as his property.

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