Adoring DH or weird/controlling behaviour?

[suffocated71]

I am feeling utterly suffocated by DH and his "adoring attention". Both early 50's, Together 30 years, 2 DC at uni and one doing A levels.
I know there is no such thing as normal but would like some perspective on this. My DH's attention is constant, suffocating and giving me the ick/anxiety.
Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day) . I know some people might say I am being ungrateful - but trust me the level of these things and the constant tirade is just werid.
If I am going out (even to work) he will say I don't want you to go - or if I am going out with friends things like "you always look nice when you go out with other people".
He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children. He wasn't like this when we met (although he has always disliked me having male friends etc), but this has just grown over the years to the point it is now.
There is always some guilt tripping involved - but he would totally deny this. I have tried gently addressing some things (like I don't want you to go out - he would just say is it wrong for me to miss my wife? I want to spend time with my wife). If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).
He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment. We don't actually do much together and it is 99% of the time instigated by me. He has friends but rarely goes out (although his hobbies might take him away for a week or 2 once or twice a year). I am dreading my youngest leaving home. There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.
He thinks we are perfect - and so does the outside world, everyone seems to think we are this perfect adoring couple. I just feel pathetic that in my work life I am assertive and professional but just meak and avoiding at home. Don't know how to tackle this.

It sounds like it comes from a good place

It doesn't, it comes from a sinister place.

I sincerely hope you have not remained with him because of the kids here.
What have they learnt about relationships from seeing this role model?. Small wonder you’re dreading the day your youngest leaves home. it’s a great pity you didn’t leave this man years earlier but even now it’s not too late to start ,a king plans to leave.

He was not like this when you met him because it he had been you would have been off like a shot. He targeted you deliberately as well, he saw qualities in you he could go onto further exploit. Talking to him about his behaviour is a complete waste of time, he will further stonewall you and shut you down.

This is indeed coercive control and abusive behaviour from him, his silent treatment of you is an example of emotional abuse. For that in itself this relationship is over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You tackle this by finding a good solicitor who is well versed in the ways of manipulative abusive men and divorce him. Staying with him will only further wear you down. He absolutely does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

What would happen if you told him you're leaving him OP?

I'd wager suicide threats, another red flag for coercive control.

I echo the advice to speak to Women's Aid. And I'd even consider speaking to the police if you do decide to leave as his behaviour is likely to escalate.

cut a phone call short with mum because he will be asking the back ground how long am I going to be

If that were my DH, the first time he did it I would ask him why he needed to know so urgently that he had to interrupt my conversation. If he didn't have a very good reason, I'd ask him not to do it again because it's just annoying. And if he did it again, he'd probably get an immediate V sign right before I walked into another room and closed the door on him.

This is exactly what I was going to write.
His behaviour is abusive and controlling.

I'd worry about it escalating.

I don't think it sounds as if it comes from a good place. He doesn't pull his weight around the house, or financially, he's jealous, controlling and manipulative. And he can't or won't discuss his feelings without getting aggressive or defensive. And he's 50, so you could expect him to be more mature...

None of these are good.

Why can't you leave him? What would your life be like if you did?

Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day)

This gave me claustrophobia just reading it!!
I could not put up with this.

My initial reaction was that I wonder if it’s some sort of slowly progressing dementia, as it’s just not normal!

Reading on though it is obvious that he is very controlling.

If he stopped saying these things, his actions would be much more obvious.

Forget about what he says and just focus on his actions - you will find a very jealous, controlling man and I bet this has been going on for years without you even realising.

Him saying things like this is a way to confuse your brain.

He’s ramped it up as he knows the DC are getting older and there’s a risk you might start becoming your own person and so he’s reminding you that you can’t ever leave him or be away from him.

This is one of the worst cases of control I have heard in a long time.
The fact that he gets angry or plays the victim when you try and discuss is is very worrying.

Do you work OP?

“If he stopped saying these things, his actions would be much more obvious.

Forget about what he says and just focus on his actions - you will find a very jealous, controlling man and I bet this has been going on for years without you even realising.

Him saying things like this is a way to confuse your brain.”

Absolutely this. And when looking at his actions, add in that he leaves all the work and load of day to day living to you. It sounds awful and a bad model for your children.

I would absolutely hate this. It's neither healthy or normal.

No wonder you feel the way you do. I can't see him changing now, this has become ingrained behaviour. Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

Run away, he's manipulative and controlling. And he says he loves you, but is happy to have you bring in the money, do everything round the house and take on the mental load. And he's jealous of the time you spend with the children! I'd make plans - he'll ramp up the manipulation, so i'd keep quiet about what you're doing until you have a clear way forward that suits you.

It is controlling and it is making you change your behaviour as a result.
The reason you question whether it is controlling is because it comes as an extreme form of what we are taught to believe is romantic (oh I love you so much, I cannot be without you; I miss you when you are not here). It is massively suffocating and exhausting.
I had a controlling husband and what happened with me was once I tried to address or challenge one form of control, another would come. He once admitted he saw no as a challenge to just try and get me to say yes. That’s exhausting.
I left. It was messy - a controlling person does not like to lose control - and it only stopped being messy when he met someone else.
sorry I do not have any more positive suggestions. It’s not a good situation to be in.

What would happen OP if you just refused to be manipulated. ?
Whilst you waited for your Dc to finish A'levels and made an orderly exit ?

How would that conversation go. ? ie
You on phone to mum.. him in background asking 'how long are you going to be?' . You reply . 'When I have finished saying everything I need to say. Please leave me to speak to my mother in peace without interruption'

How would he react . Victim ? (Been told off and 'only' needed to know when you would be free)

Angry . ? (You question his right to ask you a so-called 'reasonable question' )

Are you able to just ignore these behaviours in the short term ? Would a complete disregard to his response 'train' him that this behaviour is not going to achieve the desired result. I say this - assuming there is no danger of a violent response.

I would be planning my exit for after A levels and refusing to pander to any attempt of coercion in the interim.

He’s not an adoring husband; he’s controlling and abusive but you know that really op. Make an escape plan

This would drive me insane OP.

Could he be ill?

@Nosecamera What kind of illness is that? I’ve noticed my dad having these behaviours to my mum

My ex was/is like this, its controlling and suffocating, as you say always lurking in the background when I was on phone calls, finding a reason to do 'something' in the room that I was having the phone call to listen in, phoning me constantly if I was out, non stop declarations of love designed to gas light and deflect me from his controlling behaviour, I left after 25 years together, he has since been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which explains part of the behaviour as it was always a desperate attempt to mask the fear of abandonment

Yes there are plenty of red flags around control, however maybe you should rule out whether there is an abandonment fear being played out. Do you know if he has a history of family break up/ parental abandonment as a child or any sudden/ difficult and possibly unresolved bereavement he has experienced? If these are a possibility, he might respond to some sort of therapy.

urgh.

Im going with insecurity and fear of abandonment rather than conscious manipulation. Maybe a good dollop of lack of self esteem too.

If you’re not at the point of splitting - and it doesn't sound as if you are - then how about some counselling? Solo to begin with (I can recommend my therapist), couples later?

Also maybe up the honesty and start challenging him: “is it wrong for me to miss my wife?” “Yes, it is, actually. I’m going to work for 8 hours. You’re a grown adult and know I’m coming home. It makes me feel responsible for your happiness and that’s not fair.”

it actually makes me monitor my behaviour
This is the crux of it. The constant comments could be dismissed as well-intentioned and over the top, but they are a mask for behaviour on his part which is stopping you from exercising your autonomy. Hovering in the background when you talk to your mum, jealous if you spend time with your children without him, effectively limiting how often you go out. A nasty pattern of behaviour and yes, I would also be extremely worried about how it might ramp up when your youngest leaves home.

It may be difficult to do much about this immediately with a dc doing A levels, but I would certainly stop limiting how much you go out, how long you talk to your mum. Start pushing back so you feel less suffocated.

All the love and adoration is fine I guess if you like that sort of thing - what rings huge alarm bells is that you can't discuss it with him without him getting very angry or being a victim. He wants everything to look perfect - and he's not going to give you the chance to rock that boat. The silent treatment is passive aggressive and emotionally immature.

I agree with others that this could be pointing towards narc type behaviours. If that is the case then you won't change him, his brain is wired differently. He will have extremely low self esteem, not be able to cope with anything being his fault, but have a big ego that needs constantly feeding - when he's telling you how much he loves you chances are he just wants the affirmation from you saying it back or confirming you'll never leave him - you are his supply. He will be a master of looking good to the outside world while actually being an entirely selfish person. Even the nice things he does will be purely to make himself look good.

If that rings true then i think unfortunately you may have a covert narcissist on your hands. Be prepared that if you do start to rock the boat then things may spiral, don't be surprised if he starts to threaten to self harm (or actually does) even if totally out of character, and to swing between that and telling you that losing you would be like losing a limb etc.

Unfortunately there's no easy way to tackle this, you really need to leave but he won't make that easy either I doubt. All you can do is calmly stand up to him and put in very clear strong boundaries for yourself until you're ready to leave.

Get out now before he has a physical ill health event and you're trapped.
Get everything organised with a solicitor etc before you tell him or he will fabricate ill health or threaten suicide.
My DH did some of this in the early days, "I'll miss you" when I was going out with my friends. I challenged it and it came out that he thought I wanted to hear that as previous girlfriends had. Never started that shit again.
I don't even want to look at my phone when I'm out, I'd have committed murder by now.
And the questioning the length of your call with your mother????
Don't blame yourself, this is the boiled frog analogy and plenty of people are able to be on and decisive in work and want a more relaxed home life.
I think there was a senior policewoman who must have battled her share of shit in work who ended up going public about her controlling relationship.
She wanted to stop the second guessing and shame she put herself through happening to other women.
Good luck 🍀

This is exactly what I was going to say.

OP he doesn't love you at all. If he did, he would listen to you with respect and not undermine everything you try to say and do.

Definitely manipulative and controlling. He's jealous of you spending time with your kids? That's just weird.

Have you asked them what they think about his behaviour?

What about your friends and family?

You sound very unhappy - and if you don't want this for the rest of your life I think you should consider leaving. If he flies into a rage or a sulk when you try and discuss his behaviour it's because HE KNOWS he is being unreasonable.

He's done it for so long it just feels 'normal' but it really isn't. The analogy of a boiled frog from @M0rT is spot on; Google it.

It might also be worth considering the Freedom Programme from Women's Aid.

You've taken your first step by posting on here and you will get a lot of support form women who have been in similar situations.