Adoring DH or weird/controlling behaviour?

[suffocated71]

I am feeling utterly suffocated by DH and his "adoring attention". Both early 50's, Together 30 years, 2 DC at uni and one doing A levels.
I know there is no such thing as normal but would like some perspective on this. My DH's attention is constant, suffocating and giving me the ick/anxiety.
Some examples - he tells me multiple times a day he loves, adores me - I am wonderful, he married the most beautiful woman in the world.....he also says things like, will you always be my wife? Whers's my wife (if I am not in the same room as him) Don't break my heart. (these are not even in conversation - just blurted out throughout the day) . I know some people might say I am being ungrateful - but trust me the level of these things and the constant tirade is just werid.
If I am going out (even to work) he will say I don't want you to go - or if I am going out with friends things like "you always look nice when you go out with other people".
He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children. He wasn't like this when we met (although he has always disliked me having male friends etc), but this has just grown over the years to the point it is now.
There is always some guilt tripping involved - but he would totally deny this. I have tried gently addressing some things (like I don't want you to go out - he would just say is it wrong for me to miss my wife? I want to spend time with my wife). If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode - there is no sensible conversation to have (This has always been the case when I have had to have difficult conversations in the past).
He would never overtly try to stop me doing anything - just the guilt tripping or sometime the silent treatment. We don't actually do much together and it is 99% of the time instigated by me. He has friends but rarely goes out (although his hobbies might take him away for a week or 2 once or twice a year). I am dreading my youngest leaving home. There have been other issues over the years, he doesn't pull his weight with the mental/life stuff load (although he seems to think he does!), financially the load has been taken by me for years with a token effort from him.
He thinks we are perfect - and so does the outside world, everyone seems to think we are this perfect adoring couple. I just feel pathetic that in my work life I am assertive and professional but just meak and avoiding at home. Don't know how to tackle this.

As PPs have said, it’s the repeated use of ‘My wife’ which stands out for me.

It’s very possessive and when used to try and manipulate you can be very powerful constantly reminding you of your place beside him.

It’s also the sort of thing that new husbands use in the first few months of marriage, when it’s all still a novelty. It’s not very common to hear a H even a DH, repeatedly use the phrase especially to their DW after 30+ years of marriage.

Now I feel calmer and wonder if I am over-reacting
My heart sank when I read that, OP. You're not over-reacting at all. You describe feeling suffocated and anxious, and it's not surprising. He treats you as his property. Stops you doing the things you want to do. Isolates you from others. Refuses to listen when you express concerns. Gets angry. Sulks.

You thinking you might be over-reacting is just a consequence of him having trained you, over the years, to discount your feelings. I know how this can happen, because I too was once married to someone like that. It's hard to put your finger on how it all happens... a mix of things really: wanting to avoid his moods and sulks, wanting to avoid his anger, getting into a habit of constant self-censorship, getting into a habit of being alert to his every need...

I don't feel loved and secure - I feel like I can't be me.
Well, that's completely understandable, because you can't! You have to smother your revulsion (I doubt this is too strong a word, if you're honest with yourself?), over and over again, every day. And he refuses to engage with you as a human being who deserves respect. He's playing some kind of bizarre game with you, blurting out "Don't break my heart" all the time. It's like he enjoys torturing you by (a) treating you without any concern for your feelings, (b) pretending this is a display of affection, (c) forcing you to join in with the pretence, and (d) locking you in with demands for promises and reassurance.

He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children.
He has trained you to put his incessant demands at the centre of your world. This will only get worse when the kids have left home. Don't wait to find out!

It's interesting that you refer to his relentless attention as a constant "tirade" – a word normally used to describe abusive speech – because that's exactly what it is. Trust your gut OP.

He sounds completely repugnant.

My friends tease me over my devoted husband. But he just puts me first. If he was this suffocating and weird, I'd be completely turned off.

I am going to be controversial I suspect but here goes. peri menopause and menopause made me find my lovely husband and his ways just awful at times. sometimes I felt he was completely ignoring me, gaslighting me, goading me, rejecting me and at other times I felt just completely suffocated and under pressure/surveillance. this was down to me not him, not in the least. now I am 10+ years post menopause I cringe at the menopausal me. you might be in the same boat. there are reasons why a lot of marriages end when people are in their 50's.

I am working and away from home, so no stress

Please read this back to yourself.

You are not overreacting at all.

Away from him; you are not stressed. At home with him, your anxiety goes 'through the roof'...

We can't tell you what to do but please listen to the wise women on this post who have been through similar.

@mummymeister wow talk about victim-blaming!

If I tried to have a serious discussion he would either a - get really angry - a fuck you type thing, or go to victim mode

And this is her fault for being menopausal!?!?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

it is not victim blaming. The PP sounds like at the same age she had similar feelings about her husband and is presenting a view based on very real facts about the menopause and it’s impact on emotions and mood and perspective

He sounds massively manipulative and very controlling. You are not overreacting at all.

Your husband is abusive and creepy, and I don't think you fully realise just how abusive he really is. It's horrible, op.

You can't live like this. Get a solicitor and free yourself.

Sounds very tiring op. It's not normal sounds like he has massive insecurity issues. Has he always been this way? X

He doesn't really like me spending time without him, is even jealous if I spend time alone with the children.

This alone, just this little piece, is a LTB issue. He is JEALOUS of your CHILDREN.

And the anger and silent treatment just means it's clearly abusive.

You have three choices:

1. Plan to leave
2. Put up with this and become a small, sad, anxious version of yourself, modeling terrible boundaries to your children
3. Put on Beyonce and Rage Against the Machine, do exactly as you please, talk to your mum, see your kids, go out three times a week and ignore his petty nonsense.

I would pick 1.

Jesus Christ I’d run for the hills! This isn’t normal behaviour telling you he loves you multiple times a day it’s batshit crazy, will you always be my wife? Where’s my wife? Sound like something out of a comedy sketch! Don’t break my heart! I think he’s been listening to UB40! I don’t know why you would even think that anyone would think you are ungrateful for his behaviour! Seriously!he doesn’t want you to go to workHe has some serious issues going on, manipulative, controlling idiot, and beyond childish! But while you are allowing this utter crap to carry on, he will continue, no reason to stop, what on earth does your children think to this behaviour, 30 years love I wouldn’t stand 30 days

sense

That would drive me absolutely insane.

I understand where you are coming from and can see your point of view. However, there is another aspect which was discussed in depth in a thread on here very recently, and it is that when you hit the menopause, you are no longer prepared to tolerate nonsense from people any more, and start to stand up for yourself. In your case, your DH was lovely. In the OP's case, he is not.

there are reasons why a lot of marriages end when people are in their 50's

Yes, but let's not blame menopausal women for that, eh?

Far more likely that women have put up with shit relationships and being treated like a servant by their partners for years while their kids were growing up. So now the kids have left home, they have now decided that they don't want to waste the rest of their lives in an unhappy relationship. It is also more likely that by the time women are in their 50's, they have re-entered the workplace full time and can support themselves independently.

Sounds exhausting. Why do you not say anything to him when he makes these comments? Are you afraid of something?

He sounds weird, creepy and manipulative. Are you watching the series Bad Sisters? Your dh reminds me of John Paul.

It seems to me he has totally control over the life you lead op.as you are asking all the time are you over reacting! Can you not understand that! He’s making you question yourself! He is making you ILL with anxiety being through the roof, this should NOT be happening! How much longer are you prepared to have this man control you, please have respect for yourself! He’s got you where he wants you big time, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word love! You deserve soooo much more, I don’t mean this unkindly but you are his doormat!

How is he when you're working away from home? Would he rather you didn't? Does he complain about it?

I know there is no such thing as normal

People say that, but there is. You know there is. There's such a thing as a norm. It's not this.

He's controlling and manipulative.

How he acts in a discussion doesn't sound right either, and designed to stop you bringing things up.

I’d tell him to fuck off if he was interrupting my calls. It sounds stifling and manipulative that you turn down an invitation because he won’t like it. Are you scared of him? Do you still want to be married to him?

Why do you think it is that you allow him to control you? The phone calls, going out, etc. Why haven't you told him clearly to fuck off with that nonsense? What would happen if you stood up to him and told him to stop with all of this weird/abusive behaviour?

I agree with ,@Noteverybodylives that he's ramping this behaviour up now your DC are growing up. He doesn't sound like he contributes anything good to your life and he knows once the DC have left there's nothing really to keep you there.
He listens to your phone calls and hates you going out because he needs to monitor you all the time for signs you're going to leave, he knows he's not pulling his weight and never really has.
You don't need to live like this Op, stop putting him first and live your life

My ovaries are shrivelling up at his behaviour!

Definitely not ok, feels like it's coercive control stuff. If you're not clear on coercive control, do look it up.

Yanbu - his behaviour makes you modify your own and causes you intense anxiety and dread. That's not ok and you deserve better.

I am certainly not blaming menopausal women for the reasons why marriages end at this time. I am just presenting a counter view based on my own experience. or is there only ever one "acceptable" answer to a question on here. Unless you have actually been through the menopause without HRT supporting you then honestly you have absolutely not one clue as to how much it messes with your head and your emotions. I thought I was going mad. I said some awful things and made some terrible accusations about things which I know were blatantly untrue. And no, I was not being manipulated by some man into thinking this. Goodness knows how my husband put up with me during those couple of years. it was like a fog, it was awful. Maybe this isnt an issue in this case but i dont expect my personal lived experience to be dismissed just because I wont toe the party line of man wrong woman right. I thought posting honestly might be useful to the OP but maybe not.