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Original poster

Why has DH stopped loving us?

111 replies

Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 06:24

What’s going on?

Things have deteriorated between DH and I to the point where I feel as if I am a lodger living in his house. I’m using that to be illustrative about the relationship, it’s not a comment on finances.

We have one daughter, who is two next month. I work part time (3 days a week.)

I have always done more than DH, even when I worked full time. Now though, it’s just ridiculous. Last weekend he was at his parents all day Saturday and to be fair to him he wasn’t on a jolly, he was helping them sort their garden (they struggle to do this) and they live about 90 minutes away so he was gone for the whole day.

Then Sunday, I took DD swimming in the morning, by the time we came back DH was out - not sure where. She went down for her nap, he came back, then at 2 he had to catch a train. Came back midnight. It was a work related thing and that sort of thing isn’t typical on Sundays. But this is the problem: just about every weekend lately there’s always something. Since the summer, we’ve had one weekend together and then a couple of weeks ago we had a day out to a wildlife park. Other than that we’ve spent no time with him at all.

And this leaves me parenting a very lively active toddler alone. I don’t get time to do anything. Luckily DD is mostly very good but even so … I am struggling with trying to keep the house in some semblance of order and do things for work and just relax.

Yesterday DD was sick and had a high temp. She fell asleep at 6 and she wouldn’t have anything to drink. She woke at half five, I went to get her and I heard him get up and go to the toilet. He showed no concern, didn’t ask how she was or anything, just went back to bed. To be honest he is like that most mornings. On Sundays he will generally take her for a bit so I can go back to bed but it’s still me who does the initial get up and then he gets up a bit later. So it’s not really a lie in.

It just feels like he’s stopped loving us. Talking to him about it would be very hard as he’d focus on the minutiae of things and not the overall picture - so he’d say something like ‘but you knew I had to do my mum and dads garden’ without acknowledging the other stuff in context.

And I know how these threads go but we do have to be realistic here. I do love him and I don’t really want to leave. I want DD to grow up with her parents together, I don’t want to be managing difficult shared parenting situations where we disagree on her school or we disagree on her diet and similar.

But also the practicalities. There is an absolutely dire shortage of properties to rent, a lone part time worker with a toddler aged child is highly unlikely to get anything. I wouldn’t get a mortgage with just me. I know how horribly insecure renting is. In some ways it’s fine to stay as I can get on with being a single parent without some or the real downsides. And maybe that’s just what I have to do, accept that. But I’m heartbroken to be honest. I’m so, so sad that he doesn’t seem to love us or care about us or want to spend time around us.

Has anyone experienced this from a partner? I’m hoping it’s temporary but even if it is temporary it’s still so selfish it has really made me look at him differently.

OP posts:
Wordwatcher · 08/10/2022 06:50

I suspect an affair but I guess you know that. I understand that you are staying for pragmatic reasons right now. Perhaps start planning for a future when financial future changes? It is so difficult and expensive to extricate yourself from relationship even when you know other person has checked out. Other than that, you challenge his absences but unless you can prove any lies or get him to acknowledge he’s not being a present husband and parent, you will be in limbo unless you do leave imminently (easier said than done, I know).
Wishing you the best whatever you decide. It’s so hard. Xx

Isittrueornot · 08/10/2022 06:50

There’s a OW.

Wallywobbles · 08/10/2022 06:53

Ask him if he wants to leave. If he does then he needs to build some connections with his child before he does.

I know you'd rather this doesn't happen but better to be aware I'm afraid.

Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 06:53

I’m positive there’s not. I know he’s been everywhere he says he has been. And if there’s another woman, she has pretty low standards of clothing and appearance, he definitely isn’t making more of an effort Smile

In some ways it might be easier if there was.

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 08/10/2022 07:01

He caught a train at 2 on Sunday afternoon and wasn’t back until midnight… and it was ‘work’ related??
Something is up.

Arrivederla · 08/10/2022 07:02

Op, you have to talk to him about this. The conversation might not go well but the longer the situation goes on for the harder it will get.

He is basically living as he wants with no concern at all for you or his dc - you are worth more than this!

neveradullmoment99 · 08/10/2022 07:02

Could he be depressed?
Tbh, you need to talk to him.

Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:03

I haven’t gone into specifics @ByeByeMissAmericanPie but it was work, I accept that. It was to do with the postal strikes.

But yes @Arrivederla thats what I mean when I say I feel like a lodger. As if DD and I are just here and he goes about life unconcerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:05

I don’t even know where to start with talking to him. I don’t want him to feel criticised or on the defensive or as I say to start focusing on the minutiae. I also don’t want a brush off with a promise so for instance if I say I always do the nursery runs I don’t want an impatient oh fine I’ll take her Monday … that’s not what I’m about. It’s a feeling of not being cared about. I don’t care for me but it upsets me for DD.

OP posts:
Rainbowpurple · 08/10/2022 07:08

He needs to be critised though? He has checked out of you and your child life, and shows no respect and love toward his family.

Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:09

Yes but if I want things to change and I do that should ideally come from a place of wanting to not doing so under pressure.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 08/10/2022 07:10

Could you arrange something for next weekend?

Go out with friends or family, leave him with your daughter and get some space.

To be fair to him, if you haven't said anything to him he isn't going to know is he? He might see you doing nice things like swimming etc and think you're perfectly happy with the arrangements.

fedup078 · 08/10/2022 07:10

What would happen if you decided to organise a night out or weekend away with your friends? Would he step up ?

parrotonthesofa · 08/10/2022 07:12

When I felt like my dp was just checking out of family life, I tried to talk to him but as you say he focused on the details. Invthe end, I actually sent him a text message explaining exactly how I felt and why. I said to him I'm gonna send you this message and then I want us to talk about it. It worked quite well because we both had time to think and process and be calm before having the conversation.
You could write down what you e written in your op.

Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:18

@bonzaitree maybe he does, it’s a fair point. But I was taken aback this morning when he just went back to bed without asking or seeing how she was.

@fedup078 he would want to come. Not on the actual night out but he’d book a hotel near.

@parrotonthesofa i probably will try something like that.

OP posts:
LadyHarmby · 08/10/2022 07:18

How long has this been going on? You mention the summer so only a month or so?

coverp · 08/10/2022 07:19

It's so odd how people immediately jump to OW.

Being parents of a toddler is bloody hard. You're both working, life is busy. It's extremely common IME to start getting into a bit of a funk where one or both of you is just going through the motions. My first step would be to try to reconnect as a couple. Go out on a date. Let him know that you miss him and want to do things with him and work out a plan to prioritise family activities.

spicysoup · 08/10/2022 07:20

Things changed dramatically when DD was little and I started gaining back my independence. Organise a weekend away with your mates - go out more. He needs to step up as a parent.

Also - talk to him! Tell him clearly you're not happy, he's not pulling his weight and that something needs to change.

LadyHarmby · 08/10/2022 07:21

What do you mean, that he’d book a hotel nearby if you went away with your mates?

Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:24

@LadyHarmby i have always done a lot more of the child related stuff. I can’t honestly say that he doesn’t pull his weight in other areas but we’ve definitely fallen into that default parent trap: he can live his life much as he wants to because I’m there. He doesn’t have to think about lunch, naps, entertainment and development. He stayed at work until half six on Tuesday because he had to finish a presentation. I also have a deadline for something work related but I have to leave to get DD. It’s that sort of thing.

And we don’t spend much time connecting in the evening because I am so tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:26

@LadyHarmby I misunderstood that post, it doesn’t matter. What I mean is he’ll do things like if I want a night out he’ll sort things (did last week actually) and so on.

But that’s the exception to the rule agreed in advance, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Coffeehousejunkie · 08/10/2022 07:26

It might not be another women but it sounds like he has checked out.

I had two really bad sleepers so was living my own hell as he didn’t help, when my last one started sleeping through I could see our relationship through untired eyes and could see our relationship was in tatters. Just two people living in a separate house.

First off you need to decide if you want to stay together.

I felt like he should have done way much more, I was annoyed that he was having his life whilst I looked like a bag of shit. He also tried to blame me for lack of sex which I angrily pointed out I was tired as he never helped. So I thought fuck it. Let’s split.

Im not gonna lie the family unit breakdown was horrible. It was lonely as I had to deal with it myself, the devastation when he got a new girlfriend, the anxiety when he wanted her to meet my kids. The feeling of being replaced by another woman. Christmas spent sharing your kids.

People on here will encourage you to walk away - as they did me. But it’s not them dealing with them it at 3am in the morning when you can’t sleep.

it’s took me ages to get on my feet - 2 and a half years down the line. My new issues are my ex wanting to take my kids abroad with his gf. A family holiday ( with out me) it stings. I’m still not ready to date.

if i could go back to that point years ago when I first realised the damage had been done I would go back and at least try and fix it. Not beg to have his attention back but try and get real connection back.

I don’t want him back now but I’m still sad about the breakdown of my family because it could have been saved if we had both got past our egos.

Original poster
Lucybythesea · 08/10/2022 07:27

@Coffeehousejunkie thank you for your honesty.

I love him. I don’t honestly think he’s a bad man. But it’s as if he’s semi forgotten that’s his child.

OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 08/10/2022 07:35

I agree with PP about sending a message - I've actually written long emails to my DH before now, simply because it enables you to write everything down clearly, without going off on a tangent. It also stops you from missing things out/forgetting to mention things.

Tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel, that you've been considering leaving, and how things need to change. Make sure you put in all the things you appreciate about him as well.

Minimalme · 08/10/2022 07:35

You don't need to discuss the specifics with his op. Sounds like he will just argue the point on each one to keep you at bay anyway.

Just tell him that his behaviour makes you feel unloved and abandoned to look after your dd alone.

That he doesn't prioritise you and dd.

And that it is causing your relationship to breakdown.

He can disagree all he likes but just tell him that it is actions not words which count. Tell him he either finds a way to be the husband you thought you had or prepare himself to have a very poor relationship with his dd and his wife.

If he starts in about "well I had to go to work/my parents etc" just say "I am just starting how you make me feel. Up to you if you want to do anything about it."