Why has DH stopped loving us?

[Lucybythesea]

What’s going on?

Things have deteriorated between DH and I to the point where I feel as if I am a lodger living in his house. I’m using that to be illustrative about the relationship, it’s not a comment on finances.

We have one daughter, who is two next month. I work part time (3 days a week.)

I have always done more than DH, even when I worked full time. Now though, it’s just ridiculous. Last weekend he was at his parents all day Saturday and to be fair to him he wasn’t on a jolly, he was helping them sort their garden (they struggle to do this) and they live about 90 minutes away so he was gone for the whole day.

Then Sunday, I took DD swimming in the morning, by the time we came back DH was out - not sure where. She went down for her nap, he came back, then at 2 he had to catch a train. Came back midnight. It was a work related thing and that sort of thing isn’t typical on Sundays. But this is the problem: just about every weekend lately there’s always something. Since the summer, we’ve had one weekend together and then a couple of weeks ago we had a day out to a wildlife park. Other than that we’ve spent no time with him at all.

And this leaves me parenting a very lively active toddler alone. I don’t get time to do anything. Luckily DD is mostly very good but even so … I am struggling with trying to keep the house in some semblance of order and do things for work and just relax.

Yesterday DD was sick and had a high temp. She fell asleep at 6 and she wouldn’t have anything to drink. She woke at half five, I went to get her and I heard him get up and go to the toilet. He showed no concern, didn’t ask how she was or anything, just went back to bed. To be honest he is like that most mornings. On Sundays he will generally take her for a bit so I can go back to bed but it’s still me who does the initial get up and then he gets up a bit later. So it’s not really a lie in.

It just feels like he’s stopped loving us. Talking to him about it would be very hard as he’d focus on the minutiae of things and not the overall picture - so he’d say something like ‘but you knew I had to do my mum and dads garden’ without acknowledging the other stuff in context.

And I know how these threads go but we do have to be realistic here. I do love him and I don’t really want to leave. I want DD to grow up with her parents together, I don’t want to be managing difficult shared parenting situations where we disagree on her school or we disagree on her diet and similar.

But also the practicalities. There is an absolutely dire shortage of properties to rent, a lone part time worker with a toddler aged child is highly unlikely to get anything. I wouldn’t get a mortgage with just me. I know how horribly insecure renting is. In some ways it’s fine to stay as I can get on with being a single parent without some or the real downsides. And maybe that’s just what I have to do, accept that. But I’m heartbroken to be honest. I’m so, so sad that he doesn’t seem to love us or care about us or want to spend time around us.

Has anyone experienced this from a partner? I’m hoping it’s temporary but even if it is temporary it’s still so selfish it has really made me look at him differently.

There's a useful device for having tricky conversations which goes
I notice...
I worry...
I wonder...

So something like
I notice we haven't had a lot of time to spend together and therefore I've been doing most of the childcare etc. use some specifics

I worry that we will drift apart and that it's hard to build our relationship when I feel like the default parent (or whatever you want to say about how you feel)

I wonder if we could book in some time where you can have DD, we do some family things together, I can have regular time off (whatever you think would help for the next month or two)

This way you're not saying 'you make me feel' but framing it as something you're worried about. It's somehow less accusatory and prompts a less defensive response. By suggesting solutions it's more of a 'preventative' to your worry. It also then is important to let him respond or make other suggestions.

Might help you to think about what you want to say and what you want to see happen? Use it if it's useful.

I think the lack of clear communication between you is the biggest issue you both have to spend time on to resolve.

You’re feeling resentful because you’re wrongly blaming him for not thinking the same way that you do and meeting your needs instinctively and because he doesn’t, he’s somehow failing as a parent and partner. Can you really not see why that’s completely unrealistic?

A great partnership isn’t something that happens by magic. When people talk about making a marriage work, it means being open and honest and learning how to compromise in a way that’s fair to both parties. You have to constantly work at communicating clearly with words.

I’ve been with DH for more than 20 years. In the beginning, he didn’t do much to help around the house or with the DC. He was hopeless when it came to me being ill and didn’t know how to provide the care I wanted. I’ve had to effectively train him to be a great partner and equally, I’ve had to learn about what his needs are too. The relationship we have now bears little resemblance to what it was like in those early days. We are much more of a team and talk all the time and plan things together.

My first thought was that he sounds like - unfortunately - a lot of men I know, whose lives just carry on as normal when their wife has a child. They continue to work and live in exactly the same way they did before and see no reason to change at all. You said it yourself, he can work late and do as he pleases because you're there to do everything child related. There isn't a miracle cure for this and I wouldn't actually bother having a conversation with him about it, as you said you don't want to leave. (And where would this conversation go? You have to plan for the potential outcomes before you have it. If he refuses to change, what then?) I would work out what makes your life bearable if you continue living together and focus on that. Try to widen your circle of friends so you have a support network, no matter how tenuous. Consider work options - I know you said you don't want to work FT because you will be even more exhausted. You are right about that, but so was another poster who said it will give you the freedom to make different choices, if you WANT to, further down the line. If you're exhausted now anyway, why not be exhausted with more financial independence?

You can't make someone be who they are not. If he is indeed the sort of man who just carries on with life as if nothing has changed once they have a child, then you either ignore it and make the best of things, leave or try to make small tweaks that may make staying a bit easier. It sounds like you both have very different approaches to communication, which is also making things difficult. I would start communicating his way, in order to get what you want. If you need more time to study/work/do whatever you want, then work out a childcare schedule together that kind of works for both of you. Share the tasks around the house more. Try to take an interest in one another again and make conversation about the things that are important to each other. That's all I can see that you can do in this situation. Good luck, OP.

No, @BatteryPoweredMammy i completely refute that. I am feeling resentful because I am doing EVERYTHING.

It is selfishness and lack of respect for you. How can anyone presume their lives are going to be unaffected by having a partner and young child? It is a deeply saddening to read so many posts here which 'encourage' men to 'realise' they have a parental duty. I haven't met many women who just 'forget' they have a child or 'reminded' that she needs to parent.

OP, you need to have that chat - he needs to step up to make this work if that is what you want to do.

And…?

You’re still being ridiculous and not a little childish to expect your DH to read your mind. He’s not going to suddenly have a moment of clarity about you doing the lion’s share. Most men simply don’t think that way. It doesn’t make them bad husbands and fathers.

Until you accept that you are partially responsible for this current impasse and learn to express yourself clearly, explaining exactly what you want from this relationship, nothing is going to change.

You have a choice. Continue to feel sorry for yourself or take some action and tell your DH how unhappy you are with the current set up.

Yes you’re right.
Most men are shit arseholes that can only think about themselves and will do as little as they can get away. ESPECIALLY if that involves them doing stuff beneath them such as cleaning the house or doing some parenting. And it DOES make them a bad partner and father. I mean which parent has ever thought they didn’t need to parent their child, put them in bed and have a day out with them Wo being told? Apart from the cap ones? It’s nit rocket science.

Meanwhile, the nice men that have been described in this thread don’t need to be told. They don’t need their partner to tell them they are struggling or they ought to step up to THEIR responsibilities. They just do it.

Its nit a question of poor men unable to read the OP mind.
She will have to be extremely clear and tell him she is unhappy and he is behaving badly. She will have to be extremely clear on her boundaries if she doesn’t want him to walking all over them and her again. She will have to start demanding he us s ting like a father and a partner, one that is actually respecting her.
But it shouldn’t be like this.

@Lucybythesea I woul also think very carefully about managing the situation to make it bearable.

My iersonal experience is that you start saying ‘oh if he was doing <insert a few task> It would be bearable.
When that happens, you feel you have to settle and be happy with your situation. So you stay. But you’re still responsible if it all. He still doesn’t treat you with respect. He still has no care or interest for the dcs. And it hurts. And you are still resentful of him living his life as he had no dc, you supporting him and his agréer and been taken for granted.
At which point, you might decide to leave. In 5 or 10 years time. It’s hard because you havent worked full time etc… fur ages. And he is earning nicely thanks to your support
Ir you stay. And get hurt.

If you decide to settle down, think carefully about what you are and aren’t happy to accept. Be truthful to yourself. Because my experience is that otherwise it comes back to but you badly.

I don’t want to do every bath time and bed. I don’t want to sort breakfast and lunch and tea (and the resulting clearing up!) I don’t want to do 100% of the entertaining.

I think this is actually an excellent starting point, along with the ‘I notice, I worry, I wonder’ tactic described earlier.

DH, I notice that I’m the one usually in charge of DD’s meals and bath & bedtime routine, and I worry it means you’re not getting quality bonding time with DD regularly, especially now I’m part-time I worry about being the default parents. I wonder if we could do an alternating nights schedule for tea, bath & bedtime? Could you do tea on my working nights, and then I’ll do bath & bed. And then on my days at home I’ll do tea and you can do bath & bed. We can share the weekends.

You be more proactive; see if that helps. Back a bag ready for the child and some snacks and join in some of your husband's life instead of letting the child's routine dictate. Help tidy the in-laws garden etc. etc. Change the mind set of your husband who things he is doing solo chores. It seems like you have opted out of together activities too, some what.

Surprised you didn't all go to his parents as normally they would want to see their grandchild.maybe another time suggest you all go. Then you have the journey time to chat.