Why has DH stopped loving us?

[Lucybythesea]

What’s going on?

Things have deteriorated between DH and I to the point where I feel as if I am a lodger living in his house. I’m using that to be illustrative about the relationship, it’s not a comment on finances.

We have one daughter, who is two next month. I work part time (3 days a week.)

I have always done more than DH, even when I worked full time. Now though, it’s just ridiculous. Last weekend he was at his parents all day Saturday and to be fair to him he wasn’t on a jolly, he was helping them sort their garden (they struggle to do this) and they live about 90 minutes away so he was gone for the whole day.

Then Sunday, I took DD swimming in the morning, by the time we came back DH was out - not sure where. She went down for her nap, he came back, then at 2 he had to catch a train. Came back midnight. It was a work related thing and that sort of thing isn’t typical on Sundays. But this is the problem: just about every weekend lately there’s always something. Since the summer, we’ve had one weekend together and then a couple of weeks ago we had a day out to a wildlife park. Other than that we’ve spent no time with him at all.

And this leaves me parenting a very lively active toddler alone. I don’t get time to do anything. Luckily DD is mostly very good but even so … I am struggling with trying to keep the house in some semblance of order and do things for work and just relax.

Yesterday DD was sick and had a high temp. She fell asleep at 6 and she wouldn’t have anything to drink. She woke at half five, I went to get her and I heard him get up and go to the toilet. He showed no concern, didn’t ask how she was or anything, just went back to bed. To be honest he is like that most mornings. On Sundays he will generally take her for a bit so I can go back to bed but it’s still me who does the initial get up and then he gets up a bit later. So it’s not really a lie in.

It just feels like he’s stopped loving us. Talking to him about it would be very hard as he’d focus on the minutiae of things and not the overall picture - so he’d say something like ‘but you knew I had to do my mum and dads garden’ without acknowledging the other stuff in context.

And I know how these threads go but we do have to be realistic here. I do love him and I don’t really want to leave. I want DD to grow up with her parents together, I don’t want to be managing difficult shared parenting situations where we disagree on her school or we disagree on her diet and similar.

But also the practicalities. There is an absolutely dire shortage of properties to rent, a lone part time worker with a toddler aged child is highly unlikely to get anything. I wouldn’t get a mortgage with just me. I know how horribly insecure renting is. In some ways it’s fine to stay as I can get on with being a single parent without some or the real downsides. And maybe that’s just what I have to do, accept that. But I’m heartbroken to be honest. I’m so, so sad that he doesn’t seem to love us or care about us or want to spend time around us.

Has anyone experienced this from a partner? I’m hoping it’s temporary but even if it is temporary it’s still so selfish it has really made me look at him differently.

Your DH has fallen back into the 1950 stereotype where he carries on as if nothing had changed in his life and you are happy to be at home dealing with his child all day long.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is also seeking opportunities to get out of actually doing any parenting because .... well that’s not much fun is it? But because it’s always for a good cause (work, his parents, whatever) it will make it much harder for you to say NO.

Downside to that is that, ofc, you then feel like a spare part but I suspect it hasn’t even registered in his mind. Welcome to the world of patriarchy!

Fwiw the only way I found to address that is to leave no option but to actually parent and do his fair share of cleaning, tidying, parenting. That will allow you to

• Rest more so have more energy and spare capacity to enjoy evenings together, plan weekends etc…
• Have him involved with family
• Not resent him for carrying on with his life as you didn’t have a child 2 years ago.

On paper you should talk to him, explain how you feel etc…. In reality, I found that pointless. You can explain, he’ll probably say al the right things and nothing will change. And it won’t until you actually show by your action you mean business. That means forcing his hand and telling him he is now in charge of <insert chores/activity> . Let him fail, not do it, wait in hope you’ll step up, whatever other behaviour. But leave him with that responsibility exactly in the same way that he is leaving you with all the parenting, house etc.. responsibility (and forcing you to take on all that even though you never agreed to it).

Crazykatie because a lot of what he was doing involved quite heavy duty stuff. The garden wasn’t safe for dd running around, so she’d have been sat inside alone and bored. But that’s not the point here.

On the other side, being a parent is about managing those more tricky situations…. If it had been you needing to help your parents, you’d have found a way. I’m sure he can too!

I think you have to Decide what you want for the next year. Parenting a 2 year old is hard and making a decision now, when life is tough, may not be the right one.

-Do you want to reconnect and stay together for you (not just for your dd)?
-Has his checking out killed your respect for him (that's hard to come back from)?

• If you want it to work, are you willing to make more of the effort to get things back on track? You know he will not realise by himself and you'll have to be the one driving it

-If the thought of having to be the one driving it makes you feel crap and you don't want to because you want HIM to see what's wrong... you're kind of stuck.

If its the last point, what can be done to make him see without you driving it? A discussion aided by a counsellor and if he doesn't put the effort in, that's your red line? Or something else?

I also think that the balance between staying together and doing your best to make it work because divorce isn’t always easy to handle (as a parent, for the child etc….) is to balance with the fact there is no reason why one should ever expect and accept to be disrespected.

I have to say, one thing I would do is go back to work full time.
It send a message to him that your contribution is as important (power imbalance issue) and your role is not just being the little wife (which I think is often assumed when you work ‘only’ part time).
It allows you to have more option if you decide you have enough (not as scary etc…)

Id also remind him that if he carries in behaving like that, as if you were divorced and not a family, he might well up divorced and having his child EOW. Maybe it would be better to actually pull his socks up and to, at the least, do that now….

I would take a solution focused approach. Would you like to spend more time with DD and I? How can we find time so that you can spend more time with DD and us as a family. Where can we find that time from? What can we commit to?

Rather than finger pointing about him being a bad dad and him getting defense and into the minutaie of each day and his tasks.

What happens when you ask him/tell him to look after her or see to her? Not that you should have to ask someone to look after their own child but anyways..

Can you directly just tell him what he needs to do? Eg. You are making dinner tonight while I do x ? Write a list of what needs doing and allocate it (together?). Or give him a choice - eg. do you want to get DD ready for bed or do the washing up? That way it is clear that the responsibility belongs to both and neither is getting a free pass.

Then start to build in your own work/leisure time so he cannot wriggle out. If he still tries to, you can have a row about it until it's either resolved or it clearly shows you that he is mentally checked out and not coming back.

@catsnore I’d say it’s ok if a DH is making dinner whilst his dwife is relaxing and doing nothing (even though I doubt it, the OP would be looking after their child anyway….).
There is no need to say you do <insert chore> whilst I do <insert another chore> as if the woman not doing anything was an impossible ask.

Please don't wait for him to magically one day see the error of his ways and become a respectful, interested, engaged parner and father. It is very unlikely to happen.

For a start, noone should forget they are a parent and partner, and they shouldn't need reminding. Either, he's a mysognist who thinks women should do all the childcare and more of the housework (even if they do paid work FT as well), OR he knows full well it isn't fair but he doesn't care whilst ever you're willing to keep doing the bulk of the parenting and caring.

He is choosing to leave you and your child, and is showing you he thinks his life is his own to do as he pleases (which often means being with other people and elsewhere) and yours is to look after your child and the home.

If you can't have an honest conversation with him about this, what sort of relationship do you have? What sort of relationship are you modelling to your child?

Can you say to him 'It's clear that me and DC are not a priority to you. You would rather be anywhere else than with us. You are shirking your parental responsibilities. You aren't a loving or engaged partner or father. It isn't good enough. What do you intend to do about it?'

All that working FT will do is ensure I’m even more exhausted and spread even thinner. It really doesn’t help.

What about saying to him I miss spending time with you. I'd like us to do some things as a family. Let's plan a day we can... Go to the zoo/park/seaside/whatever, I'd like us to start doing these things more.

I think you got a lot of terrible advice here.. Telling him with no notice that you have plans and disappearing till midnight-passive aggressive at best and the only outcome would be he him being angry rather than understand your feelings.
Another one about 'leave, you deserve better'... Would you actually be better? Reality is you will be living in a horrible property, assuming you can get one, constantly worrying about being homeless as let's face it, single parent to a toddler with part time job and little money is not the most popular tenant. You will end up doing exactly what you are doing now with your DD, but with extra financial worries, stress and bad living conditions.
There is nothing in your post that would indicate he is abusive in any shape or form, you still like him, you have a young child together, he is hard working. Sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check and know how you feel. Try to have non-accusatory and constructive conversation before burning bridges

If he is, underneath, a good man and you think there is a chance of fixing this then the difficult conversation has to be had. Why are you always the default parent? Why does he feel that he is allowed to manage his time as he sees fit, and not consider you and DD, when you are not allowed to do the same? Why does he care, or respect, you so little that he doesn’t want to spend time with either of you?

Theres a chance he may not realise and may change, though tbh even that would be difficult for me to accept l, as he allowed it to happen in the first place. But his answers will explain everything for you. If, deep down, he still considers that you should take more of the slack, it shows a lack of respect that is impossible to move past, and you will have a difficult decision to make.

It isn’t tempting, but it’s time for a state of the union conversation. This is supposed to be a partnership, so your feelings matter as much as his do, and you are allowed to tell him how this life is making you feel.

@Iwonder08 are you saying the only time it’s worth for a woman to leave is if her DH is abusive??

You have been very patient letting it go on this long. My DH would have had more than earful if I was left just 2 weekends in a row to parent on my own without a damn good excuse.

You and your daughter deserve better. Sit him down for a frank chat about what he actually wants and set an example to your daughter that neither of you settle for less than you deserve

@AsterixInEngland no, a woman should leave if her life will become better. OP 's life won't be better

Nope.

That working full time will give you a safety net you don’t have atm.
And it will give the ability to tell him to buckle up or fuck off which you can’t do atm for the reasons you gave.

And being even more tired is only the cas if you assume your DH will STILL leave with all the work, will not step up and take on more responsibility. If that is the case, then you might want to think again about who he is and whether he actually loves and respect you at all.

Fwiw I’ve been there. I deeply regret not working full time, letting things settle down with me doing it all re house and parenting etc…
It destroyed my health and any opportunities.

When you've finished wasting your breath, your hopes, your life on him, OP, get that full time job, sort childcare and make a life for you and dd. You can't force a man to love you. You can't force a man to love his own child. It's just down to how much of your life you want to throw away on him.

Yep patriarchy, he fact that men actually held accountable for the children they father etc etc
Yes I get that things will not get better automatically nor easily.

BUT and that’s a big but, the consequences of living the way the Op describes is not negligeable either. It’s not just the exhaustion from doing it all. It’s also feeling like a spare part. The resentment, the anger. The repeated hurts each time he is going away Wo a second though or when he doesn’t even ask about his own dc is when he knows fully well they are ill.

Fwiw I haven’t said she should LTB. My suggestion is to work full time and demand he steps up. No with words but by putting in a place where he has not choice but. Basically by the OP giving as much importance to her life, her well-being, her wants to what she gives to her DH. Atm it’s all one sided and that needs to change. She needs to change her outlook and make her leisure time as important as his. To make his input to domestic life as important as hers.

But I still think that starting room a point where you say ‘no point leaving unless he is abusive’ isn’t the right place to start. There is no empowerment there. Just despair.

It’s all cart before horses at the moment.
Talk to him.
You say he’ll dive straight into the minutiae defensively, so I’d ask very open questions.
How are you?
Literally have a dozen open questions to hand, pick a moment when you’re not tired or head to head- a car journey? and start a conversation.

You cannot expect anyone to know how you feel or what you need and want if you never communicate it to them.

This isn't about him not loving you (that feeling is coming from within you not him), it's about an absence of communication (listening as well as speaking) and information sharing. That's easily fixed with a bit of effort and consistency.

Expecting him to read your mind and sinking into misery while you're waiting passively for him to become psychic is not wise.

What do you want to do, that he is stopping you doing?

Be specific with yourself and realistic.

Request a discussion of what's happening the following week.

When you discuss, explain you'd like to join the local football team (or pub quiz, drama group, ballroom dancing etc) and so he'll need to be in every Thursday. Is that okay. Ask his when he's out. Chose a free night to lock in as a film night together. Do the same for the weekend. It's not hard. Balance your free time each and family time. Compromise and help him to see how he needs to help you. Maybe it shouldn't be necessary, but it clearly is.

I don’t really want any of those things though, @CaptainMum . I would like to have a bit more time for work and a bit more down time but that can be hard to articulate. In fairness if I said ‘take DD, I need to do X’ he would - IF he hadn’t already sorted himself first. And that’s what the issue is, him carrying on his own life largely uninterrupted.

It’s not what you want to do. It’s what you don’t.

I don’t want to do every bath time and bed. I don’t want to sort breakfast and lunch and tea (and the resulting clearing up!) I don’t want to do 100% of the entertaining.

Working FT does not make him step up, I know this as I was FT for nearly a year after going back to work as my initial PT request was declined. It was miserable - not just because of the workload but then I would be hugely resentful as DD would be missing out because of him. It isn’t going to happen. I’d stay in a miserable marriage before putting myself and her through that again.

It sounds like a communication problem to me - have you considered couples therapy? It would give you a safe space to talk about your needs.

Long-term relationships are hard, especially when you throw small children into the mix. It’s so easy for resentment to breed. I would really recommend Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy audiobook for some really helpful and practical strategies for improving your relationship - it’s done wonders for my marriage.

People on MN will quickly tell you to leave. But as PPs have said; it’s not then lying awake at night feeling lonely, it’s not them having to find a place to rent and pay the bills.

Wishing you lots of luck 💐

Me and my husband do alternate nights putting the kids to bed, we have an agreement on who picks up which night which is split in half... maybe start there so if you work three days - he needs to do drop up two of those mornings and two of those evenings and bedtime should be alternate nights.