Why has DH stopped loving us?

[Lucybythesea]

What’s going on?

Things have deteriorated between DH and I to the point where I feel as if I am a lodger living in his house. I’m using that to be illustrative about the relationship, it’s not a comment on finances.

We have one daughter, who is two next month. I work part time (3 days a week.)

I have always done more than DH, even when I worked full time. Now though, it’s just ridiculous. Last weekend he was at his parents all day Saturday and to be fair to him he wasn’t on a jolly, he was helping them sort their garden (they struggle to do this) and they live about 90 minutes away so he was gone for the whole day.

Then Sunday, I took DD swimming in the morning, by the time we came back DH was out - not sure where. She went down for her nap, he came back, then at 2 he had to catch a train. Came back midnight. It was a work related thing and that sort of thing isn’t typical on Sundays. But this is the problem: just about every weekend lately there’s always something. Since the summer, we’ve had one weekend together and then a couple of weeks ago we had a day out to a wildlife park. Other than that we’ve spent no time with him at all.

And this leaves me parenting a very lively active toddler alone. I don’t get time to do anything. Luckily DD is mostly very good but even so … I am struggling with trying to keep the house in some semblance of order and do things for work and just relax.

Yesterday DD was sick and had a high temp. She fell asleep at 6 and she wouldn’t have anything to drink. She woke at half five, I went to get her and I heard him get up and go to the toilet. He showed no concern, didn’t ask how she was or anything, just went back to bed. To be honest he is like that most mornings. On Sundays he will generally take her for a bit so I can go back to bed but it’s still me who does the initial get up and then he gets up a bit later. So it’s not really a lie in.

It just feels like he’s stopped loving us. Talking to him about it would be very hard as he’d focus on the minutiae of things and not the overall picture - so he’d say something like ‘but you knew I had to do my mum and dads garden’ without acknowledging the other stuff in context.

And I know how these threads go but we do have to be realistic here. I do love him and I don’t really want to leave. I want DD to grow up with her parents together, I don’t want to be managing difficult shared parenting situations where we disagree on her school or we disagree on her diet and similar.

But also the practicalities. There is an absolutely dire shortage of properties to rent, a lone part time worker with a toddler aged child is highly unlikely to get anything. I wouldn’t get a mortgage with just me. I know how horribly insecure renting is. In some ways it’s fine to stay as I can get on with being a single parent without some or the real downsides. And maybe that’s just what I have to do, accept that. But I’m heartbroken to be honest. I’m so, so sad that he doesn’t seem to love us or care about us or want to spend time around us.

Has anyone experienced this from a partner? I’m hoping it’s temporary but even if it is temporary it’s still so selfish it has really made me look at him differently.

Thank you. I do have to make time to talk to him about this and to try and set things out to change.

Be confident op - stick to how his behaviour makes you feel.

His response will show you if he's prepared to address the issues or if he will continue running your relationship into the ground.

Good luck, I really hope it works out for you.

If it helps, my dh is lovely and loving and we have been together for 20 years. When our ds was nearly two, dh had a sort of crisis and I thought we'd break up.

We went in to have two more kids and a very secure relationship. He was struggling with becoming a Dad and depressed.

This problem is kind of feeding itself, because the less time he has with your daughter, he less they will bond and he will be less able to meet her needs. He needs more time with her on his own. Do you have a friend you can go out with for a day, and leave him to it?
Also you guys need to reconnect. I get that you are tired but either have a date night at home where you eat a meal while your DD is in bed or preferably get a sitter, get dressed up and go out. Intimacy can go out of the window when you have kids, but you have to work on keeping it. Even sneaking in a hug and snog when life is manic is a start. Sitting back and doing nothing isn’t really an option if you want to save this.

Can you suggest that you make more effort to connect with him in the evening in return for him scheduling time with you and DD at the weekend instead of prioritising parents/work/whatever?

@Minimalme thank you

@Spudina this is exactly the problem. If I tried to get away he’d come to for this reason. And if he did a bit more I wouldn’t be so tired … it’s all just a vicious circle!

Does the chat have to focus on the negative initially if he is so touchy?

Could it be gosh you have been so busy recently can we make a plan to have some family time next weekend/every weekend as DD and i really miss not having you around?

As oppose to you are never here and a lazy feck. See how he responds? If he doesnt i think you have your answer sadly.

I'd start by having something you really need to do that takes a whole day (preferably a whole weekend). Let him see what a two year old is like for 24 hours rather than two.

I think from his point of view, he is working the long hours, you have two days a week 'off'. Taking your daughter to the park for an hour is easy. It seems like you get all the 'nice' time.

Let him see the reality.

But I wouldn't make any drastic decisions now. You are in the hard stage and both sound like you work hard. It's easy to get annoyed. Things will change in the next year. Attention span of more than two minutes makes everything much easier.

It may just be a case of digging in through this bit, communicating a bit better and enjoying it when you get to the other side!

For the love of all that is holy, do NOT have another child.

I get that you don’t want a split now, but you and your child deserve better. Yes, a conversation may be hard, and he may feel that he’s under attack, but guess what? He’s been a shit dad and partner, and it’s okay to point that out and say that you want/need/expect better.

You know him better so can write an email/have a conversation as you see fit. But if you’re more concerned with not upsetting him or holding him to account, I can’t see how this situation is going to improve.

If you think he has potential to change, would diarising more help? Sitting down every Sunday evening say and planning out the next week:

So I have a work deadline on Tuesday, can you pick up then?

On the weekend, what do you have planned?

Oh but that leaves me with no time to myself, can you rearrange X or shall I pencil in something for next weekend

You get the gist, it might just bring home to him the imbalance. But it would only really work if he would care.

He won’t have forgotten his child he just knows your there to deal with them.

My issue was communication. I was a martyr and didn’t express how I was feeling well so it came out as conflict and accusations. If I look back honestly now there is many things I would have changed about how I would have behaved. ( I’ve done a lot of work on myself so I dont repeat it in a further relationship)

He was big on avoidance so if I accused he would avoid so Around round and round we went till we stopped talking.

My ex was a good provider, caring, generous and loving but could be lazy, immature and selfish with his time.

In a perfect world yes you deserve better - but no one is perfect and if you think it’s worth saving - try. Because the reality of a family breakdown is hard and long lasting

Talk, tell him you feel the distance and how can you both fix it but stay away from accusations right now. Focus on feelings and how you both can come back together in a positive way x

This.

People dont realise that relationships actually take a lot of effort and managerial skills but they do! 😁

marriage guidance counselling? He might not go for it straight away. But keep at it. If you both want to stay together it would be a good idea before it goes too far.

Also I do think it’s strange that he went to his parents house and you didn’t go. Wouldn’t they have wanted to see their DG.

With my dh I am the default parent. Always have been. Dh will take over but only if I’m not around. It’s not malicious, he just doesn’t see things. I have often second guessed our relationship as he isn’t demonstrably loving. He has been parented by a father, who is very different. Someone with autistic children thinks my fil is on the spectrum. Dh therefore hasn’t had a role model to show him how to be and dh has some similarities to his father.

I don’t know if this helps. But dd is 14 and he does love her very much. He just never once thought to feed her or put her to bed or get up for her in the night and so forth if I was around. He probably would have done like your dh and gone back to bed, not in the zone. He doesn’t get up early if dd is ill. He never sees if four legged friends have run out of food or water either. I otoh am super attentive and was brought up to be as I was expected to look after my mother’s emotional needs.

Dh has had to take on a lot more than he otherwise would have due to my poor health. So he spends a lot of time clearing the kitchen and taking dd to evening activities. I think I would have been more like you if I were well and able to work because I’m also very capable and independent. Dh is also super sensitive and cannot take any criticism and I am someone, who likes things out in the open, to talk about things to go forward. I’ve had to adjust how I communicate a lot.

Can you talk to your dh about how you’d like to reconnect or organise some family time?

“I get that you don’t want a split now, but you and your child deserve better. Yes, a conversation may be hard, and he may feel that he’s under attack, but guess what? He’s been a shit dad and partner, and it’s okay to point that out and say that you want/need/expect better.

You know him better so can write an email/have a conversation as you see fit. But if you’re more concerned with not upsetting him or holding him to account, I can’t see how this situation is going to improve.”

This with bells on. I agree that you shouldn’t just split. But this situation won’t improve if you just keep doing what you’re doing. A lot of men hide behind other activity to avoid parenting their tiny children because tiny children are fabulous and huge fun but also wearing and very demanding in terms of time and energy. I remember overhearing a work colleague with a stay at home wife and toddlers describing how, having spent the week in the office (pre-COVID), he would be playing golf all day Saturday so that he got a break. The person talking to him asked “and when does your wife get a break?” He had no answer to that.

It might not feel it now as you’re wading through it but the childhood years pass quickly (particularly once you’re in the rhythm of school) and if he doesn’t muck in, he will be looking back and regretting it. And you will too because your relationship probably won’t recover.

Definitely this. If dh knows something is his responsibility, he will always be there.

@Coffeehousejunkie you’re definitely describing me very accurately. And it is really helpful.

Re him going to his parents house - in context of them clearing out the garage and garden it wasn’t odd. If it had just been a social visit I’d have gone.

O agtee but it's also how you approach the conversation. Your earlier example of "but you knew I had to go to mum and dad's this weekend" suggests to me you start the conversation of by saying something like "you were away all weekend i got no time " or I did everything this weekend you did nothing" approach the conversation differently. Can we look at the weekends to make sure we both get equal time off and time with dd plus get the household chores done? Is not specific to him its specific to you as a couple and there for not as threatening. It's a solution. Instead of always going to dd when she is sick nudge him and say "your turn i did it last time" instead of getting up first then back to bed. Make an agreement for who gets the lie in.. have the adult conversations. Not the blame ones

Sorry for lack of paragraphs on my phone and I did put them in. (Clearly didn't spell check though 😁)

You have to present it to him as a pattern of repeated behaviour, and be ready to give examples over 6 months say. Tell him that his past response has been to focus 1 or 2 details, but it’s the big picture that is more important.

I think you need to ask him whether he’s intentionally shirking 50:50 parenting and chores and avoiding you.

Next time he tells you he is out for the day can you say oh sorry l have got plans? And then disappear until midnight and leave him to the childcare . Sometimes they don't see how unreasonable their behaviour is until the are on the receiving end.
Assuming there is no ow of course

The problem with focusing on “feelings” is a. It locates the problem with the OP and her reactions. And b. Feelings is not something that men in general respond that well to.

Facts works better ime. Calmly stick to the facts of his general AWOL and it’s practical impact - the burden of parenting and chores is on you, you and he never spend any time together.

I have had times like this in my marriage - we were just coexisting and getting through the things on our lists (and the lists rarely listed time together).

If you want to change it, I think you have to take action rather than trying to talk about why it is happening. In my experience, why it is happening is too hard to pinpoint, and in any case, knowing why doesn't really change it. In your shoes, I'd plan some things. Plan a few days out on a Saturday and tell him you'd love him to come (but go anyway even if he doesn't want to). Plan a few things for just you, and check that he is free to look after DD at those times (and if he's not, work with him to set a time when he is free and go out then, even if you have nowhere to go!).

Some posters on here will ask why you should make all the effort to change things, that you shouldn't need to "check" he's ok to look after your DD, and they're kind of right. But you have to work from where you are (ie the default parent), not from where you think you should be!. In my view, someone has to take the initiative and change things. No improvement at all will come from you both verbally or silently bickering about who should change things!

If 6 months of effort doesn't change things then you're no worse off than you are now. If things don't change despite you leading the change, then he doesn't want them to change, and you can make your decisions from there, knowing that you tried.

Good luck OP. I really hope things get better soon

You can't communicate with your husband, which is a major issue in your marriage. You day you don't know how to even begin talking to him about this? You say what you feel. You say what you need him to do. You ask him questions. It may go down badly but at least the conversation has started. If you keep picking up slack and don't tell him how you're feeling, are you just expecting him to magically change on his own steam? Would be nice, but it won't happen unfortunately

I'd just say 'Are you happy in this relationship because you don't seem to be very interested in me or dd, you didn't even ask how dd was when she was ill. If you've checked out then I'd rather know so we can work out the best way to move forward.'

Thank you. I do agree with @IrisVersicolor about the feelings though. It makes it sound like it’s my interpretation of events that’s potentially the problem.

He isn’t bothered at all if DD and I have a day out without him which we often do.

I guess I am hoping one day he’ll realise how unbalanced it all is.