Why has DH stopped loving us?

[Lucybythesea]

What’s going on?

Things have deteriorated between DH and I to the point where I feel as if I am a lodger living in his house. I’m using that to be illustrative about the relationship, it’s not a comment on finances.

We have one daughter, who is two next month. I work part time (3 days a week.)

I have always done more than DH, even when I worked full time. Now though, it’s just ridiculous. Last weekend he was at his parents all day Saturday and to be fair to him he wasn’t on a jolly, he was helping them sort their garden (they struggle to do this) and they live about 90 minutes away so he was gone for the whole day.

Then Sunday, I took DD swimming in the morning, by the time we came back DH was out - not sure where. She went down for her nap, he came back, then at 2 he had to catch a train. Came back midnight. It was a work related thing and that sort of thing isn’t typical on Sundays. But this is the problem: just about every weekend lately there’s always something. Since the summer, we’ve had one weekend together and then a couple of weeks ago we had a day out to a wildlife park. Other than that we’ve spent no time with him at all.

And this leaves me parenting a very lively active toddler alone. I don’t get time to do anything. Luckily DD is mostly very good but even so … I am struggling with trying to keep the house in some semblance of order and do things for work and just relax.

Yesterday DD was sick and had a high temp. She fell asleep at 6 and she wouldn’t have anything to drink. She woke at half five, I went to get her and I heard him get up and go to the toilet. He showed no concern, didn’t ask how she was or anything, just went back to bed. To be honest he is like that most mornings. On Sundays he will generally take her for a bit so I can go back to bed but it’s still me who does the initial get up and then he gets up a bit later. So it’s not really a lie in.

It just feels like he’s stopped loving us. Talking to him about it would be very hard as he’d focus on the minutiae of things and not the overall picture - so he’d say something like ‘but you knew I had to do my mum and dads garden’ without acknowledging the other stuff in context.

And I know how these threads go but we do have to be realistic here. I do love him and I don’t really want to leave. I want DD to grow up with her parents together, I don’t want to be managing difficult shared parenting situations where we disagree on her school or we disagree on her diet and similar.

But also the practicalities. There is an absolutely dire shortage of properties to rent, a lone part time worker with a toddler aged child is highly unlikely to get anything. I wouldn’t get a mortgage with just me. I know how horribly insecure renting is. In some ways it’s fine to stay as I can get on with being a single parent without some or the real downsides. And maybe that’s just what I have to do, accept that. But I’m heartbroken to be honest. I’m so, so sad that he doesn’t seem to love us or care about us or want to spend time around us.

Has anyone experienced this from a partner? I’m hoping it’s temporary but even if it is temporary it’s still so selfish it has really made me look at him differently.

I agree with this and was going to suggest something similar. Maybe send an email or give him a handwritten letter.

*The problem with focusing on “feelings” is a. It locates the problem with the OP and her reactions. And b. Feelings is not something that men in general respond that well to.

Facts works better ime. Calmly stick to the facts of his general AWOL and it’s practical impact - the burden of parenting and chores is on you, you and he never spend any time together.*

I don't really agree with this. With facts about actions, the DH will respond with reasons why x, y and z happened ie he was being a good son by helping with the garden.

I think you're a lot better saying factually how you are feeling - how his actions make you feel. 'When you did x, it made me feel y' is very powerful as it doesn't say he was right or wrong to do x or that you were right or wrong to feel y. It is factual in itself.

We do this - we share a calendar and things go in including stuff like 'movie night', dinner plan that day - anything and everything. Both DH & I will check diary before agreeing to anything else and call/message to ask to move things around if something important comes up.

Might seem a bit transactional but it works really well because everyone knows what's happening each day and there are no arguments about having other ideas how to spend the time.

He isn't going to wake up one day and have that realisation. You will either need to make some effort to bring him towards it, accept that this is how it is, or divorce him.

Which is why OP needs to emphasise the pattern of long term behaviour so he can’t focus on 1 or 2 examples.

If OP focuses on her feelings he can just dismiss the issue as her being needy and emotional and irrationally reacting to parental and work obligations.

I had a friend in a similar situation OP. She saved like mad, accepted she was going to be doing the majority of the work and then when their ds was in school, she went back FT to work and left. Surprisingly he agreed a 40/60 split and they've been really amicable.

I don't think this sounds like another woman necessarily or even that he doesn't love you, it just sounds like your expectations of family life are different from one another.

I think you should try being very specific and asking for what you want. "Can you keep next Saturday free so that we can do something as a family?" "DD is still not very well, could you read her some stories?"

It may feel like you are having to micromanage him a bit but in my experience with my own DH I get the best outcomes if I ask directly for what I want on a practical level rather than having conversations about emotions and feelings.

We went through a similarish period too. In hindsight - what helped were small steps. example: Ask him to have breakfast together every Saturday or Sunday. Make it a ‘thing’. As your DD grows he will also experience a deeper bond (2 is a tough age). Small regular interactions build up- especially with kids- where she will need him more and he will feel needed. My partner always struggled bonding with DD1 because she was so fussy. Small steps with DD2 and it’s at now at the point where she grabs his hand, pulls him off the sofa and says ‘you need to read to me and put me to bed now. Not mummy- I want you!’. Stay strong- be kind, persistent and patient. Wishing your little family all the best x

I think you should sit down and plan the week ahead with him as PP have suggested, as a way of reconnecting and finding times to spend together or as a family etc.

He's not going to realise he needs to change by himself. Using an accusatory approach is not going to help if you want to turn things around. The weekend he helped his parents and went to work- he'll sees it as he had to do those things and there's no benefit from you 'having a go' (as he'll see it).

What you could do is frame a discussion around I'd really like to spend time as a family and reconnect as a couple now DD is getting older. I've been thinking let's sit down and work out what we're doing each week, build in time to enjoy each other and DD, lets have a take away on x night and work it out. Buy a calendar and put stuff on it together.

If he's not receptive to this, you have a bigger problem and maybe counselling will help you both with communication.

@Lucybythesea - I think @TeaMoreToast has nailed it. That sounds like a very good approach. Just don’t rely on him realising and changing by himself. He won’t and the distance in your relationship and your resentment will just build.

This is too important to leave to chance.

This is difficult - but not the least unusual. When mine were little I did take on the majority of the parenting, mainly I guess because OH's job was mega-stressful, and mine (when I went back to work part time) was less so and less all-consuming. OH was on duty from home a lot of the time and was in and out at weekends and nights, and many of the decisions he had to make were life and death.

I had no problem with this - I did not feel it was unfair. But what happens in this situation is that the mother (or whichever parent does the bulk of the child care) becomes attuned to the child's needs more than the partner. They can pre-empt and avoid problems for instance that the partner might not be able to do. They understand better the child's moods and can read their feelings better. It is inevitable in this scenario. So, if he did not respond to your DD waking up, it may simply be that he knew you would be on it.

One thing that is very important is that you never imply in even the slightest degree that he is not doing something right when he is interacting with DD. Because you are more attuned to her and her needs, then often you watch what he is doing and thing it is not the best thing - but it is important not to intervene.

We finished up with the situation where I would make one of my work days coincide with the one day a week my OH had off and it would be his day to do the child care. Known as "Daddy Day" - I was out of the house and have no idea what went on - his day, his rules. But I suspect that chocolate was involved!! I turned a blind eye. Never came home and said "You gave them WHAT for lunch!!??" - shock, horror.

Does your OH play with your DD when he is free of other responsibilities? Do they have fun together? Maybe you need to contrive days when he is in sole charge, so he can truly become a part of it all. So he can develop his own relationship with her, free from your presence. It may be that at present you are aligned with DD and he is out on a limb.

I think it is quite important to try that strategy before embarking on "The Talk" as that risks him feeling criticised and becoming defensive.

He needs situations where he is in charge so he can develop his own way of interacting with DD.

Apart from your concerns about the child care situation, are you and OH OK otherwise? Do you have a sexual relationship? Is there any intimacy? Do you have any fun together?

I hope you manage to sort this all out.

It’s perfectly possible to frame a discussion without sounding accusatory.

Spinning it as I'd really like to spend time as a family and reconnect as a couple now DD is getting older. is not actually getting to the nub of the problem and, again, may simply make the OP sound needy (to him).

It sounds like he has a lot of pressures from his parents and work. Can you have a conversation address the stress he is potentially under. It sounds like when you speak to him is to tell him what you think he’s doing wrong.

@Mischance its honestly not an exaggeration to say recently I’ve had no chance to criticise him. The last time he had her alone was the bank holiday, so 19th September, I begged him to take her to the park for an hour as I had literally had her non stop Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday and Monday morning.

@TwoWrightFeet shy do you think that? I’m honestly asking as I don’t think I do but maybe I am and have revealed it through the posts?

@IrisVersicolor yes but that’s only a small part of the problem. If he’s nothing else on he’s always up for a family day out but (and I know this isn’t just me) I have to decide where to go, pack the bag, do the legwork if you like. I wouldn’t mind that,I don’t mind any of it, if I didn’t feel so alone the test of the time.

The feelings issue... coming from a counselling/coaching perspective it is really unhelpful to say to someone "when you did X it made me feel Y" as it implies they have total control over your feelings and can also imply they meant to eg hurt you when they didn't have that intention. The conversation then tends to go pear shaped and they won't listen as they think you're already judging them wrongly.

If instead you're very factual and own your feelings it's better. Try and work out what your real feelings are beneath the hurt eg "when you didn't ask after dd I felt very lonely and isolated as though she was my sole responsibility. That worries me because sometimes when we don't see much of you over a weekend I feel the same way. How could we change that?"

It may seem artificial when you put the extra steps in but it makes it more likely he'll listen to what you're actually saying. It can also help you work out what is the base issue and be the start of a more honest conversation.

I always suspect an affair but your original post didn’t point that way, you suspect he has stopped loving you and I think you are right, he’s stopped caring.
You are depressed, the routine of looking after a toddler is tough, with no time to do anything enjoyable. I’m a bit puzzled if he went to do his parents garden why didn’t you go with him?, I would have done and helped him.

@Lucybythesea Did you mean to tag me in your 10.47 post? I can’t see what post of mine that’s responding to. 🙂

In my opinion, I think what you describe is a lot of men of fathers to young kids. Not all, but a lot. I am sure lots of people will disagree, but I think this is the harsh and sad reality of being a woman/mum vs. being a man/dad. He'll probably never step up and take on as much as you do in terms of parenting because he doesn't have to, you'll always do it. If you're willing to accept that, then focus on improving your relationship and re-connecting as well as getting some more 'me' time in. Hopefully as your daughter gets older and easier, his parenting will get better!

The feelings issue... coming from a counselling/coaching perspective it is really unhelpful to say to someone "when you did X it made me feel Y" as it implies they have total control over your feelings and can also imply they meant to eg hurt you when they didn't have that intention. The conversation then tends to go pear shaped and they won't listen as they think you're already judging them wrongly

It was at counselling that we learned to use I-talk. It's a really well known and well used technique for opening discussions.

My 1st marriage ended after 8 years mainly because of exact same situation. Ex H carried on exactly as if he had no wife or 2 young boys. Football at weekends, away matches, 2 or 3 nights down pub in week meeting mates. I felt like a housekeeper with sex expected.

Thing was, I never really discussed it and resentment built until one day I literally went out rented a house and told him I was moving out.

You need to nip it in the bud- he will either step up or he won't and then it's easier to make a decision based on him being fully aware

I understand your fears about breaking up. I can also see another poster has shared her honest feelings about now being a lone parent and not being ready to date again.

However, there is another side. I left my ex-H when he had checked out (used work as an excuse to get out of family life a lot of the time). Well, actually he left as I asked him to move out and I stayed in family home with DC as I worked part-time and was their primary carer. I had 3 young DC, he became an EOW dad (which he was quite happy with, never pushed for more and it suits his life, he soon got a new girlfriend who picked up the slack and does his few school runs for him)

I won’t pretend it was easy because it wasn’t. It wasn’t an amicable divorce. It was tough for the DC. We don’t co-parent well in terms of communication as he still doesn’t pull his weight but in the end I just stopped inviting him to parents evening etc or ever expecting him to be involved outside of “his time” and went to CMS for maintenance so there isn’t any monthly drama for that.

I was ready to date again though, fairly quickly, and I make no apologies for that. Some casual dating and exploring the world again, on the child free weekends I did have.

18 months later I met someone and fell in love. 6 years later we are happily married. I am SO proud of my former self for finding the strength and courage to end my unhappy marriage, and looking back, I don’t know how I did it.

I see women all around me who feel trapped and miserable but don’t know how to get out.

I was still only in my 30’s and had a life left to live.

My DH prioritises me, and his step-children, over everything else. I know how loved we are and I love him so much (and still fancy him a lot!) in return. We laugh together every day. He is my best friend and is there though tough times as well as happy ones. We plan family holidays together and get so excited on behalf on DC, and we also have our own little trips together if I can persuade ex to have DC for a few days longer.

I love our family life but am also looking forward to growing old together when DC have grown up and left him.

The icing on the cake is that my DC witness an equal loving partnership. DH went part-time at one point so I could retrain. We will as a team. It’s an equal relationship where he cares about my happiness in the relationship and notices my feelings, I don’t have to try and “get through to him” as we both want a happy marriage.

The younger DC have commented in recent years that they can’t imagine me and their dad together as we are so different. The eldest remembers. She is glad we are both happy with other people. I don’t think ex has changed, but they don’t have DC together so I don’t think his selfishness affects his wife some much.

My DM once commented that my DH is “a family man” in a way that ex-H wasn’t. She is right.

*left home!

@Billylilly as unfair as it may be I could accept a bit of imbalance but to this extent …

I have remembered he had her last week while i went out, but I left at half 6 and she was in bed by 8 (usually earlier.)

@Crazykatie because a lot of what he was doing involved quite heavy duty stuff. The garden wasn’t safe for dd running around, so she’d have been sat inside alone and bored. But that’s not the point here.

@IrisVersicolor sorry was responding to a post re family days out.

No worries.