Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex husband's bitterness towards having to pay maintenance

253 replies

Autumnnights2022 · 04/10/2022 08:58

Long story short - married a long time. Husband had an affair and got OW pregnant within 3 months of knowing her. Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.
He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires. We have two kids together.
Move forward 6 years (since we divorced) and he continues to be an utter arse about money, however, he does this via our children as he and I have no contact. He's forever telling our now adult kids that 'he's skint' (then OW posts photos of them on yet another holiday abroad) and yesterday, he told our daughter that the birthday money he promised for her birthday 10 days ago ' would be late, as I have to pay your mum money... so I'll have to ask work for an advance'. Note that 3 weeks ago he had enough money for a deposit on a 4-bed house.
I just don't get it. He used to be the kindest and most generous bloke who loved his kids dearly (he now has two more tiny kids and an extended family in the Philippines).

OP posts:
Dirtylittleroses · 04/10/2022 09:00

I don’t understand what you don’t get. He’s split from you, it’s long over and he needs to still pay for you. It’s the ultimate meal ticket. He doesn’t need to like it.

Original poster
Autumnnights2022 · 04/10/2022 09:15

@Dirtylittleroses - but how is this fair on the kids??

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 04/10/2022 09:16

Dirtylittleroses · 04/10/2022 09:00

I don’t understand what you don’t get. He’s split from you, it’s long over and he needs to still pay for you. It’s the ultimate meal ticket. He doesn’t need to like it.

This. Did you think he was going to pay you, happily
for the rest of this life?

If it’s child maintenance, that’s one thing. If it’s spousal, thanks another.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 04/10/2022 09:16

Spousal maintenance or child maintenance? Nothing you can do about him being a twat really.

lickenchugget · 04/10/2022 09:16

*thats

GreyTS · 04/10/2022 09:18

Dirtylittleroses · 04/10/2022 09:00

I don’t understand what you don’t get. He’s split from you, it’s long over and he needs to still pay for you. It’s the ultimate meal ticket. He doesn’t need to like it.

Um, excuse me he's not paying for her he's contributing to the upkeep of HIS children. Im going to take a wild guess that his money doesn't even pay half the bills

Dirtylittleroses · 04/10/2022 09:19

GreyTS · 04/10/2022 09:18

Um, excuse me he's not paying for her he's contributing to the upkeep of HIS children. Im going to take a wild guess that his money doesn't even pay half the bills

Show quote history

I don’t think we can excuse you. Read her op she says the kids are adults.

Motnight · 04/10/2022 09:20

Is he paying for his adult kids?

pointythings · 04/10/2022 09:20

If the court ordered spousal maintenance he's clearly a very high earner. Sucks to be him, bring on the tiny violin. He cheated.

WhenDovesFly · 04/10/2022 09:21

Autumnnights2022 · 04/10/2022 09:15

@Dirtylittleroses - but how is this fair on the kids??

They're not children, you say yourself they're adults now. Why are you not supporting yourself?

stickynoter · 04/10/2022 09:23

Dirtylittleroses · 04/10/2022 09:00

I don’t understand what you don’t get. He’s split from you, it’s long over and he needs to still pay for you. It’s the ultimate meal ticket. He doesn’t need to like it.

😂😂😂 I'm not even going to justify this with a response.

Regardless of whether he's happy about it, he shouldn't be discussing it with the DC and moaning he's got no money for their presents while going on holidays and buying a new house. They shouldn't be dragged into it or even be aware of the financial set up

SuperCamp · 04/10/2022 09:23

He is despicable for dragging the kids into it.

But this is why a clean break is best.

Personally, if at all possible, I would get a job, anything to be independent of a despicable man who resented me.

sunlovingcriminal · 04/10/2022 09:23

If the courts have mandated that you get spousal maintenance into the future then they must have determined that you were entitled to it. It is not up to us to be judge and jury if that was their decision.

However, if the kids are adults they can decide not to see their dad. They will be able to see through his charade of not being able to afford birthday money just the same as you can, and eventually they shall vote with their feet.

badbaduncle · 04/10/2022 09:24

What are you expecting?
He resents it because he wanted to ditch you and move on with no responsibility for his behaviour or responsibilities. You held him to account. Of course he hates it, every time he sends that £ he'll feel utterly impotent and remember all his failures. Is smile and say 'what a shame' and check he pays on time.

MaggieFS · 04/10/2022 09:32

Not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time? On the face of it, he's been court ordered to do something and is being really out of order in his comms with the DC.

OP, without feeling the kids he's being a dick, just remind them of the facts, that he only has to do what he legally has to do. They sound old enough to fill in the gaps.

HuntingoftheSnark · 04/10/2022 09:32

If your children are adults, why is maintenance being paid? Couldn't it be directly to them if still required, thereby removing you altogether?

MaggieFS · 04/10/2022 09:33

Telling not feeling!

Original poster
Autumnnights2022 · 04/10/2022 09:36

Yes, he's a very high earner and yes, I have two jobs and have brought the kids up alone. I'm not moaning about either so perplexed as to some of the comments.
My anger is towards the way he brings our kids into the pity party. He's got enough bloody money to feed a local town so why the whinging and making THEM feel bad?
Not sure some of the posters understand the court system.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 04/10/2022 09:36

I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time OP when it’s court ordered maintenance. Courts rarely award spousal maintenance so they’ve obviously deemed it to be warranted in this case.
And regardless of anything else, he shouldn’t be whining to your mutual children about it. He had an affair, he left, he was ordered to pay maintenance… why should your children bear the brunt of his resentment?

AccountDeactivated · 04/10/2022 09:38

Do the adult kids not question him on how he’s skint, when he keeps pumping out kids, jetting off on holidays and buying property? Call him out on him trying to pin his lifestyle choices on a woman he discarded years ago?

MissSmiley · 04/10/2022 09:40

I know of a recent case where spousal maintenance has been awarded, she had an affair while pregnant with husbands child and left him, he still has to pay spousal for ten years!!

OP I would disengage, the kids are old enough to make their own mind up about their dad

MintJulia · 04/10/2022 09:43

Because he's used to getting his own way and the judge has told him no (probably for the first time in his whole entitled life).

He's outraged, and so whines about it at every opportunity to anyone who will listen, which is basically his children, since you blocked him.

Take no notice. He's a spoilt selfish arsehole who allows his adult children to see that. He's just embarrassing.

SuperCamp · 04/10/2022 09:44

OP, yes he should damn well stfu and comply with the court order, and he is a despicable *$ for weaponising / guilt tripping the kids.

I sympathise, I really do.

My comment was an emotional reaction: for my own psychological and emotional health I would want the whole connection severed if at all possible.

FreudayNight · 04/10/2022 09:44

Dirtylittleroses · 04/10/2022 09:00

I don’t understand what you don’t get. He’s split from you, it’s long over and he needs to still pay for you. It’s the ultimate meal ticket. He doesn’t need to like it.

Whining to your kids about a court order, after you’ve been dipping your wick is not a good look.

He brought it on himself, he doesn’t have to like it, but he does have to pay it. And he shouldn’t expect sympathy either from his ex-wife or his children.

lickenchugget · 04/10/2022 09:46

Are the kids getting annoyed with him, or you?

If they’re adults, they can tell him what they think themselves, disengage.

Swipe left for the next trending thread