Ex husband's bitterness towards having to pay maintenance

[Autumnnights2022]

Long story short - married a long time. Husband had an affair and got OW pregnant within 3 months of knowing her. Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.
He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires. We have two kids together.
Move forward 6 years (since we divorced) and he continues to be an utter arse about money, however, he does this via our children as he and I have no contact. He's forever telling our now adult kids that 'he's skint' (then OW posts photos of them on yet another holiday abroad) and yesterday, he told our daughter that the birthday money he promised for her birthday 10 days ago ' would be late, as I have to pay your mum money... so I'll have to ask work for an advance'. Note that 3 weeks ago he had enough money for a deposit on a 4-bed house.
I just don't get it. He used to be the kindest and most generous bloke who loved his kids dearly (he now has two more tiny kids and an extended family in the Philippines).

I have to admit I can see his point. Are you happy with the arrangements? To be dependent on him for the rest of your life? Absolutely you should be compensated for whatever you gave up to care for his DC and that might have been a larger share of the house/his pension but this sounds miserable for everyone. Surely a clean break would be preferable?

His children are now adults?

Anyway:

It isn’t fair on the kids. Are they falling for it and blaming you or are they rolling their eyes at his dishonesty? I would be very factual and say ‘the court made a ruling that they judged, correctly, would not make his life unduly difficult. His spending choices are not your problem’.

And… they do this. Every single man I know of who leaves his wife turns in this way. They turn guilt into blame. It is a feeling they feel more able to live with. They evade responsibility by making it all your fault in their minds.

I can see why he’s seething with resentment but I’m so happy for you that you were awarded this money!!

I hope it’s a lot? Is it for life?

there’s no fool like an old fool. No doubt she seen him coming!!!

keep living your best life whilst he is knee deep in nappies and orange baby food!!!!

Regardless of whether she’s ‘happy’, it’s court ordered and they would have to go back to court to change the terms of the financial settlement.

Yes, I realise that, but a clean break would be better for OP, as well as him.

OP, do you think he's telling DC he can't give her birthday money, when he can? Maybe his cash flow isn't quite as buoyant as you think, especially with a new house. Not your problem, obviously.

Anyway, you need to stop following his wife/him on SM and leave your adult children to manage their own relationship with their father.

How old are your children?

Absolutely this with bells on.

As for the sneering posters asking op if she's happy taking his money and being dependent on him - the two are not the same thing.

Op may well be financially independent anyway. But in her shoes, yes I'd be damn happy taking his money every month until retirement and I'd let him know how much I was enjoying spending it at every given opportunity 😂

It's not fair on the kids but I'm guessing that they aren't as bothered as you if they still see him.

Do you get info on his life from SM? (Holidays, house purchase etc) If so, stop looking. As your kids are adults it's ok to ask them not to tell you about his life (if they are the source of that knowledge)

Why would he be happy about paying court ordered maintenance?

I have been through court and was awarded spousal maintenance two years ago. The detail that went into the financial examination was forensic. It is not awarded lightly. And is judged to be fair, you know by a qualified judge.

Anecdata and jealousy do not come into it.

OP, he is bitter. Just roll your eyes to the kids.

It doesn't matter that the kids are now adults, there's a court order for him to pay her money until retirement.

Her career/income/future earning potential was probably damaged by the fact that she held everything together at home whilst the kids were small, allowing her DH to become the high earner he now is. So absolutely, he should pay.

Plus he's the one who ruined it all and went off shagging, he's made his bed!

I think you’ll find it wouldn’t be better for him, because who could he then blame for his life not being quite so juicy as he would like it to be.

nothing like having a sink hole for all and any difficult emotions. Even if OP dropped dead today and he had nothing further to pay, it will forever be an excuse to treat his new wife and kids like shit.

Autumnnights2022 · Today 09:15
@Dirtylittleroses - but how is this fair on the kids??

you say they are adults. Confused as to why he is still maintaining you? Do you work?

All you can do is talk to your children and let it go. They're adults I'm sure they can see through him.

This. The court ordered it, so he just needs to suck it up. Involving the adult children in this way shows what a tosser he is.

Disengage. Your children are adults and can make up their own minds. They also can decide to interact with their dad or not. If it bothers them they can withdraw from their dad.

Your dc will know the truth.

We have no fault divorce here. A v common misconception that the reasons for the breakdown of the marriage have any bearing on assessment of the financial consent order. Morally people think it’s relevant. The courts don’t (except in very rare cases of parties acting in extreme bad faith, hiding assets etc).

Think about it logically - a woman (or man) could have an affair. De facto “bad”. But maybe their spouse refused sex for 20 years and didn’t speak a word to them in the home. The courts can’t get into value judgments about marriages.

He’s a dick. End of.

If it was me, I would text him and tell him if he has an issue to take it up with you himself, as it is very unfair to drag the kids into this when he caused it.

I don’t know why you did want to end the marriage when you found out about the OW and nothing would have stopped me from signing those divorce papers and getting rid of him - but you did what you thought was best at the time and that is in the past.

His actions now (saying things like that to the DCs) shows what sort of man he is and you must be so thankful that you don’t have to be around such a selfish arse.

Sorry I’ve just seen that they’re adult DCs.

This does change my view slightly.

He’s still a dick but I think once you are separated you should only have to pay for the DCs and not your ex partner.

The very simple answer here us that many many men are conditioned to think they can behave however they like without any accountability whatsoever. And the fact that they have to give money to an ex wife when they honestly believe they've done nothing wrong is beyond their comprehension.

OP, in a few years when OW had also been discarded you can both have a few glasses of wine and agree what an arsehole he is. Oh and use his money to buy the wine.

'Married a long time' and planned the financial future based on being a couple.

Sacrificed career opportunities to bear and bring up DC, organised tax, pensions, savings, mortgage based on being a couple. Moved area based on being a couple... took on extended family caring responsibilities based on being a couple...

When one person rearranges things unilaterally, a judge gets to work out how those arrangements look.

Why on earth did you refuse a divorce and then force a court battle at huge cost?

Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.

He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires.

clearly you dragged through courts if you didn’t want the divorce

Hahahaha good for you op. Keep getting that money. Ask your kids to ask him to stop winging is the only suggestion I have. Fuck him.