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Original poster

Ex husband's bitterness towards having to pay maintenance

253 replies

Autumnnights2022 · 04/10/2022 08:58

Long story short - married a long time. Husband had an affair and got OW pregnant within 3 months of knowing her. Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.
He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires. We have two kids together.
Move forward 6 years (since we divorced) and he continues to be an utter arse about money, however, he does this via our children as he and I have no contact. He's forever telling our now adult kids that 'he's skint' (then OW posts photos of them on yet another holiday abroad) and yesterday, he told our daughter that the birthday money he promised for her birthday 10 days ago ' would be late, as I have to pay your mum money... so I'll have to ask work for an advance'. Note that 3 weeks ago he had enough money for a deposit on a 4-bed house.
I just don't get it. He used to be the kindest and most generous bloke who loved his kids dearly (he now has two more tiny kids and an extended family in the Philippines).

OP posts:
TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 10:49

These answers! A clean break would be better? WTF?
Spousal maintenance is unusual. My guess is he is an extremely high earner who managed to be so as OP gave up her own opportunities to facilitate his work and care for his children. Of course he should be paying her now!!

awmum2b · 04/10/2022 10:53

The OP may have given up a lot of her financial independence and career aspirations in order to raise their children and support her ExH in his endeavours thinking that this was for the greater good of her family and as she was in a marriage she expected to last until death she was therefor safe to assume she would be in a similar financial position when her children were grown. She should not now be in deficit because her husband chose to walk out on her.

The court has awarded her spousal support and she has every right to take it, I find it quite astounding that others think that she's not entitled to this and should just cut it in order to stop her ExH moaning

Amazongirl9 · 04/10/2022 11:00

I’d guess he’s miserable because life hasn’t worked out the way he quite expected it to. He can’t possibly blame himself, so what can he moan about? Having to pay you court ordered spousal maintenance. Do the adult kids that he’s dragged into this understand he’s having a pity party? Or do they take it at face value. I would imagine his new family are a far larger drain on his resources than you are.

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 11:03

He shouldn’t be moaning to the adult kids.

But he also doesn’t have to be happy about it.

Then again, you claiming you ‘brought the kids up alone’ isn’t true either. Pretty sure at the very least his wage helped a lot. You weren’t a single parent.

In short he is a dick for moaning to the kids. But I get him not being happy. But that what’s a court deemed fair so it’s tough and I bet ongoing payments were in place of something else. It’s clearly not much if op also has to work 2 jobs, which makes me think he is moaning about a very small amount.

I guess he will just end up going for early retirement.

britneyisfree · 04/10/2022 11:05

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 11:03

He shouldn’t be moaning to the adult kids.

But he also doesn’t have to be happy about it.

Then again, you claiming you ‘brought the kids up alone’ isn’t true either. Pretty sure at the very least his wage helped a lot. You weren’t a single parent.

In short he is a dick for moaning to the kids. But I get him not being happy. But that what’s a court deemed fair so it’s tough and I bet ongoing payments were in place of something else. It’s clearly not much if op also has to work 2 jobs, which makes me think he is moaning about a very small amount.

I guess he will just end up going for early retirement.

Single parent isn't about money. It's about doing the day in day out. I was raised by a single parent who was in fact a lone parent because my dad was complete inactive. Don't make stupid assumptions

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 11:08

britneyisfree · 04/10/2022 11:05

Single parent isn't about money. It's about doing the day in day out. I was raised by a single parent who was in fact a lone parent because my dad was complete inactive. Don't make stupid assumptions

Show quote history

You are making stupid assumptions.

I was a single parent until recently. Which would have been made easier if there was a high earner, paying the bills, that I was married to.

They got divorced 6 years ago, they were married for lost of the kids childhoods. Singles parents can’t also be married to kids fathers.

britneyisfree · 04/10/2022 11:09

@Hearthnhome you don't get to decide how she feels. Your poverty doesn't change her lived experience

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 04/10/2022 11:09

You should not be asking work for an advance to cover his birthday money to your Daughter. That’s madness, if he is late paying it then she can wait surely?

if your kids are adults how much financial support do they need?

its the spousal maintenance he has beef with, that’s not for the children, I think that you need to give up on the idea of him paying it graciously. Your adult children will know by now how he feels about it, it shouldn’t affect them.

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 11:18

britneyisfree · 04/10/2022 11:09

@Hearthnhome you don't get to decide how she feels. Your poverty doesn't change her lived experience

Hmmm I get to have an opinion. You haven’t brought your kids up completely on your own, if you are married and a sahp and someone is paying all the bills. That’s not bringing kids completely alone.

Hee lived experience is that for the majority of her kids childhoods, she was married and in active relationship with the father. That’s not a lone parent.

Who said I live in poverty? Wtf are you talking about?

WaddleAway · 04/10/2022 11:21

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 10:33

Sorry I’ve just seen that they’re adult DCs.

This does change my view slightly.

He’s still a dick but I think once you are separated you should only have to pay for the DCs and not your ex partner.

That’s not what the court ordered though.

billy1966 · 04/10/2022 11:26

Raise your eyes to heaven and counter every single pity remark with a smile and a reference to his latest holiday etc.

Do not accept ANY responsibility for his behaviour.

He clearly doesn't care about his children and they will realise eventually how poor his behaviour is.

Just raise your eyes to heaven.

YOU know the truth.

Stravaig · 04/10/2022 11:42

Trying to untangle this.

So the children are grown up? In which case, he should no longer be paying child maintenance. And it is none of your business what he says to his children. If they don't like it, they can draw boundaries, they are adults now.

You were awarded spousal maintenance as well, payable until he retires? That seems very unusual unless there is some issue which prevents you from either working or claiming benefits.

But, you say you have two jobs and have supported yourself and the kids. Plus you get a whack of his earnings as well in spousal support, until retirement. I'd resent that, in his shoes! Why on earth do you get spousal support?

Is he so fabulously wealthy he's been forced to keep you in the luxury you became accustomed to whilst married to him? If so, there's a cost of living crisis, so read the fucking room have some perspective.

Tl;dr: perplexed.

WaddleAway · 04/10/2022 11:46

Stravaig · 04/10/2022 11:42

Trying to untangle this.

So the children are grown up? In which case, he should no longer be paying child maintenance. And it is none of your business what he says to his children. If they don't like it, they can draw boundaries, they are adults now.

You were awarded spousal maintenance as well, payable until he retires? That seems very unusual unless there is some issue which prevents you from either working or claiming benefits.

But, you say you have two jobs and have supported yourself and the kids. Plus you get a whack of his earnings as well in spousal support, until retirement. I'd resent that, in his shoes! Why on earth do you get spousal support?

Is he so fabulously wealthy he's been forced to keep you in the luxury you became accustomed to whilst married to him? If so, there's a cost of living crisis, so read the fucking room have some perspective.

Tl;dr: perplexed.

The judge has obviously awarded spousal maintenance after having access to all the facts of the case (which we don’t have). Awarding spousal maintenance is fairly rare and only done after full examination of all the facts and circumstances of the case.
The ex can always take it back to court if he disagrees with the financial settlement.

Reallyreallyborednow · 04/10/2022 12:05

I agree with pp.

how much is spousal maintenance if you have to work two jobs to maintain yourself.

i do actually know quite a few women who have been awarded “spousal maintenance” but it’s been something like 5p a year, something to do with legalities of the financial split. They all had very young kids but were in good jobs themselves, so perhaps to leave things open in case of a change in circs? The men were only average earners and no one had given up anything career wise.

so is this a significant amount? In which case why the need to work two jobs? Or is it a token amount? In which case why all the fuss.

o/p’s story isn’t adding up. Two jobs and spousal
maintenance?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2022 12:17

They’re adults, their relationship with him is their business. If you’re upset by what they’re telling you then ask them not to pass his comments on.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 04/10/2022 12:26

Your kids are daft if they feel sorry for him. He decided to go fuck another woman, have a kid with her and leave, not you. He brought this on himself and despite trying to win in court, he lost so badly. If I were your kids, I'd laugh at him and not talk to him other than to ask him to pay for something. That's about his only use, his money. He's a shit dad and clearly a shit person. Might as well use what you can and feel no sympathy for it.

Tuilpmouse · 04/10/2022 12:32

HuntingoftheSnark · 04/10/2022 09:32

If your children are adults, why is maintenance being paid? Couldn't it be directly to them if still required, thereby removing you altogether?

I'm not sure why people are struggling to get this. He's been ordered to pay spousal maintenance not child maintenance...

The court ordered it, so why people think the OP should refuse it is beyond me. The fact she receives it has no bearing on whether she can work or not!

Also, the children are adults now so they'll be able to see through his shitty behaviour.

Soubriquet · 04/10/2022 12:36

Men in general really don’t like paying their ex’s money towards the upkeep of their children.

It’s very much out of sight out of mind to them.

They think giving you money means you can go out every night getting pissed and having false nails Hmm.

They seem to forget, or refuse to believe that it goes towards paying for the rent/mortgage and the bills

Tuilpmouse · 04/10/2022 12:36

As for the sneering posters asking op if she's happy taking his money and being dependent on him - the two are not the same thing.

Agreed, why do some people equate receiving money from him as "being dependent"'on him. The OP hasn't said she is. I don't think I've ever seen a thread with so many posters lacking in comprehension.

Reallyreallyborednow · 04/10/2022 12:38

The court ordered it, so why people think the OP should refuse it is beyond me. The fact she receives it has no bearing on whether she can work or not!

what’s confusing me though is o/p says she is working two jobs as well as receiving spousal maintenance, yet will need to ask work for an advance to give her daughter some birthday money? She says her children are adults as well, no mention of them needing financial support still.

spousal maintenance should surely pay enough that working two jobs along side doesn’t leave you completely broke, or what’s the point?

WaddleAway · 04/10/2022 12:40

Reallyreallyborednow · 04/10/2022 12:38

The court ordered it, so why people think the OP should refuse it is beyond me. The fact she receives it has no bearing on whether she can work or not!

what’s confusing me though is o/p says she is working two jobs as well as receiving spousal maintenance, yet will need to ask work for an advance to give her daughter some birthday money? She says her children are adults as well, no mention of them needing financial support still.

spousal maintenance should surely pay enough that working two jobs along side doesn’t leave you completely broke, or what’s the point?

No, the ex was complaining that he’d have to ask work for an advance on the birthday money. Not the OP.

Reallyreallyborednow · 04/10/2022 12:44

No, the ex was complaining that he’d have to ask work for an advance on the birthday money. Not the OP

ah misread.

so either he’s over egging for effect or he really is in bad financial straits. You can’t tell which from social media as his new partner may have a good income.

AsterixInEngland · 04/10/2022 12:50

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2022 12:17

They’re adults, their relationship with him is their business. If you’re upset by what they’re telling you then ask them not to pass his comments on.

That’s a rubbish attitude, one that says ‘not my problem, don’t talk about it to me’ to your own child.

What sort of parent does that?
Does it apply to the adult child struggling with money, ill health or depression too? The one that has marriage issue/is experiencing emotional abuse?

Georgeskitchen · 04/10/2022 12:52

He should have kept it in is pants is all I will say 😉

altmember · 04/10/2022 12:53

Soubriquet · 04/10/2022 12:36

Men in general really don’t like paying their ex’s money towards the upkeep of their children.

It’s very much out of sight out of mind to them.

They think giving you money means you can go out every night getting pissed and having false nails Hmm.

They seem to forget, or refuse to believe that it goes towards paying for the rent/mortgage and the bills

Except it's not money towards the upkeep of their children. The children are adults and it's spousal maintenance that he's paying. The children who are missing out are his young children with his current partner, because he's having to send a chunk of their household income to his ex wife.

He should go back to court and ask to have the spousal maintenance revised. Circumstances have changed.