Ex husband's bitterness towards having to pay maintenance

[Autumnnights2022]

Long story short - married a long time. Husband had an affair and got OW pregnant within 3 months of knowing her. Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.
He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires. We have two kids together.
Move forward 6 years (since we divorced) and he continues to be an utter arse about money, however, he does this via our children as he and I have no contact. He's forever telling our now adult kids that 'he's skint' (then OW posts photos of them on yet another holiday abroad) and yesterday, he told our daughter that the birthday money he promised for her birthday 10 days ago ' would be late, as I have to pay your mum money... so I'll have to ask work for an advance'. Note that 3 weeks ago he had enough money for a deposit on a 4-bed house.
I just don't get it. He used to be the kindest and most generous bloke who loved his kids dearly (he now has two more tiny kids and an extended family in the Philippines).

None according to another thread that I recall. Early pregnancy with first

As in 3 weeks pregnant.

@youlightupmyday my mother was born in 1930, married in 1952, had four children and only took a short period of maternity leave with each one. No family help although admittedly holidays were easier as she was a teacher. She wouldn't have subscribed to my father being the sole earner and I swear it gave her the fortitude at age 87, newly widowed, to form an extremely active life outside of him. She retired at 62 and until a couple of years ago was threatening to take a part time job in a school as she was bored.

None according to another thread that I recall. Early pregnancy with first

Well, quite. Most of the women I know were pretty sure they'd continue on in their careers as if nothing happened, BEFORE they gave birth.

And guess what ...

I spend a lot of time in my job mentoring younger female colleagues, and to a woman, all those who have children struggle to keep their careers on track.

And it's not through their lack of intelligence, ability, or ambition - it's because the structures of the working world are built around men's life patterns and the male body, which doesn't have the inconveniences <sarcasm font> of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and child raising.

And it's because bar one or two (lucky) women, they are all married to men who expect their lives to go on as normal, and not to change, because they'e fathered DC.

Exactly. As soon as I recalled that, I 🤷‍♀️

And it's not through their lack of intelligence, ability, or ambition - it's because the structures of the working world are built around men's life patterns and the male body, which doesn't have the inconveniences
of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and child raising

the issue is also in the workplace. I had my request for flexible working accepted easily, Leaving early/arriving late for pickups, days off for sickness were all accommodated.

DH on the other hand was met with resistance at every step. All the other men in the office had wives at home to pick up the slack, so no one else was asking to leave early, for the morning off for a school activity etc.

it’s a societal issue. Workplaces need to give men the same flexibility, men need to push for that flexibility, and women need to stop thinking of working in terms of “covering childcare” and looking long term. I know none of us anticipates a relationship breakdown, but realistically the chances are high, and it’s sensible to maintain some degree of financial independence.

Lucky her, she sounds a force and a great example of how things can be done, if that is what your family needs. However, who looked after the kids?

And in my case, if i had been a teacher I would be fucked.

I’d love to know how your mother felt during those years. Sounds utterly exhausting. I don’t aspire to that life and I don’t aspire to it for my daughter. It is indeed a really strength that she built a life for herself in her 80s, but my goodness - she bloody deserved it.

I don’t aspire to that life and I don’t aspire to it for my daughter

so what are your aspirations? Find a nice man, give up work and pop out children?

However, who looked after the kids?

she did, around school hours? Or her husband did, there are jobs out there which aren’t 9-5. Many men/women I know work 6-2, so one does breakfast, the other after school.

years ago pre childcare most teachers I knew simply took their kids to work with them, sent them off to class and picked them up on the way home. Normal to have a couple of teachers kids in early.

@Doingprettywellthanks I don't think my mother found it anything other than rewarding. I will ask her. My sister, a good bit older than me and a retired lawyer, took six months off with each child. Her eldest is a doctor who did the same. I suppose that we worked hard for our qualifications and wanted to put them to good use - we absolutely love motherhood but I equally value my financial independence and capacity for hard work.

don’t aspire to that life and I don’t aspire to it for my daughter

so what are your aspirations? Find a nice man, give up work and pop out children?

yes because there is no middle ground between marrying at 22, working full time with 4 children and only being able to take very short maternity leave. Heaven

What a shame that this thread has just degenerated into the standard SAHM vs WOHM bun fight 🥱

Brava!

Why do you assume it's sexist? It's not only women who receive spousal maintenance.

I actually think you're the sexist one making a long list of things that most men are perfectly capable of and making generalisations that one sex is better at doing it than the other.

My arguments against spousal maintenance are entirely gender neutral, unlike you arguments in favour. Besides which, any payer of spousal maintenance is going to have to do their housework sooner or later anyway. Unless the recipient is going to come round to do the vacuuming and ironing to keep up their end of the bargain? What an utterly ridiculous argument you're trying to make and all based on silly prejudices that may bear no resemblance to the relationship in question.

I'd say more, but I have laundry to hang up.

I'm going to be honest here. Your children are grown up with their own jobs. They aren't financially dependent on their parents anymore. You also have 2 jobs and say you have your own money.

However, somehow, your ex husband has to pay you many every month until he retires? I'd say he certainly got the shit end of the stick here!

I really can't understand why he has to give you money every month? Spousal maintenance isnt really meant to be used as it is here. Many divorce judges also try not to award spousal maintenance these days, preferring clean break.

I'd be a bit careful about complaining loudly. He might go to a solicitor at some point and try and get this stopped. Considering your actual financial situation I'd say he might have a chance of doing it too.

I think you are missing the point. It’s not about sahm or working mums it’s about equality. It shouldnt just be women who request part time working it should be available to all including those that don’t have kids. It’s about educating girls and boys about pensions, financial independence etc. It’s about taking financial responsibility for your kids if the partnership ends - someone has to pay and it shouldn’t be the state whether Male or female,

This is going off on a tangent. A world where people don't rely on benefits is a nice to have but when a full time minimum wage translates into a net salary of about £1,350 a month and energy bills for a family are about £250 a month and rent at least £1,000 for a modestly sized house (and then about £150 a month on council tax) we're not really in any fit state to start criticising those on benefits. It's not their fault wages and social housing are so abysmal in this country that they barely stretch to a roof over their heads and the electricity bill before the money runs out.

I agree @BetterFuture1985 .
And more to the point, if someone is unable to live with a full time MW, then benefits are nit there to support working (or not) people. They are there to subsidise companies that can’t be bothered to pay people real wages.

Imo anyone who has issues with benefits should start by looking at companies and how governments is supporting them right left and centre.

Exactly. It's hard to think of another era when it was so impossible to live on a full time wage without government support.

I meant the parents who avoid paying any mtnce at all - this ultimately is funded by the state. If you have children you pay for them,

I meant the parents who avoid paying any mtnce at all - this ultimately is funded by the state. If you have children you pay for them

this again falls back to sex based roles.

if a woman isn’t working or is working PT then arguably she isn’t paying for those children. She’s relying on her ex and the state.

i do sometimes wonder when men are vilified for “only” paying the recommended CM, or not paying spousal maintenance, when their ex is not working, so not paying for their own kids at all.

i know when my brothers dd wanted to move in with him to do a levels at a school nearby it all kicked off and she “wasn’t paying to have my kids taken away” -ie pay CM. What did she think dbro was doing? She got a lot of support as well from friends and family saying she shouldn’t have to pay maintenance.

I agree. I’m sure most mothers do have to go back to work once their child is school age now and isn’t the govt increasing the cap on number of hours.

in my circle of friends all the residential parents work and all the non residential parents pay mtnce. I suppose you make your bed blah blah blah.

Even then, sorry but no.

The median salary in this country is about £25.5k which translates to about £21k net. If a household where both parents each earn the median salary divorce, they need to run two homes on about £21k net each. Even if one parent only sees the children (assuming a 2 child household) once EOW, the maintenance is only going to be £290 a month and realistically cannot be anymore because the paying parent will only be left with £1,460 from which they need to pay rent, utilities and council tax after which there is barely anything left for food. The receiving parent has a more manageable budget of £2k to live on but it's still not a lot when rent, utilities and council tax have swallowed up 75% of it.

Clearly the median person doing the right thing is still going to need some recourse to benefits to make ends meet.

Apologies for jumping on this old thread. I'm hoping someone has an update.

Had a run in with my ex over CM. He said he was finding my lifestyle and I spend nothing of the maintenance on the kids. 5 years later and he's still using this as a weapon. I'm so fed up of it ☹️

Does it get better?

@roundofapplause probably will get a better response if you start your own thread.