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Relationships

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Original poster

OLD- should you always avoid men who steer the conversation towards sex?

115 replies

Sundaycoffee · 03/10/2022 23:07

So I'm online dating in my 30s. My profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship no casual sex or friends with benefits.
Chatting to a guy who seemed perfectly nice initially but after a few exchanges kept dropping innuendos into the conversation. For example he asked what I had been up to that day and I told him I accomplished building a bed on my own with a joke about how exciting that sounds. Straight away he sends something along the lines of "that bed probably needs testing with a couple of people to make sure it's secure ;)"
Ignored this and changed the subject and he then made similar comments 2 more times in the conversation. Something about how heating was expensive at the moment and there are other ways WE can keep warm.
I thought it was a bit creepy as I hadn't been receptive to it but he carried on (read the room!)
After the 3rd time I called him out on it and said I'm not really interested in anything casual and his messages were giving those vibes and it's just not what I'm after.
He apologised profusely and said he just has a bit of a jokey, flirty type and sorry if he came across too strong. It's just part of his personality and he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable.
Would you give him a second chance or would it be an instant no from you regardless?

OP posts:

BagOfGin · 03/10/2022 23:10

I'm not into casual sex, but if I'm looking to date someone, then I'm going to be flirty with them. Otherwise what's the point? You don't go on dating sites to make friends

Fedup2387 · 03/10/2022 23:13

Just delete your account and let the universe do its thing when it’s ready. Do Yoga focus on you and when the time is right the universe will bring you what you need. Most men are creepy perverts, even if they don’t seem like it at first. And then along will come someone who is just fucking lovely and you will meet him in the most unexpected way, filling up your car with petrol, or stuck in a shop que, or at a work event or some other real life scenario and it will just flow. Most men online dating are just sitting in their pants talking and swiping lots of women whilst having a wank and seeing who can get them going the most. Delete and be happy. Xxx

Trollcity · 03/10/2022 23:13

I know this shouldn't be the case and I'm not defending him in the slightest, but even the mention of a bed in any context would give most of these morons the idea that you had starting the 'flirting', therefore giving themselves permission to start the innuendo shit.

Only you can decide whether he's crossed a line or not.

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 03/10/2022 23:15

BagOfGin · 03/10/2022 23:10

I'm not into casual sex, but if I'm looking to date someone, then I'm going to be flirty with them. Otherwise what's the point? You don't go on dating sites to make friends

I suppose I'm just wary of guys on dating apps who immediately launch into sex chat before they have even asked anything else about you. They tend to come across as only interested in one thing. Until I meet someone I don't know I like them enough to flirt with!
Obviously if you meet up and fancy each other fair game but to be talking about us having sex (even theoretically) before we have even agreed to meet seem a bit creepy to me. Maybe I'm a prude!

OP posts:

Palmfrond · 03/10/2022 23:20

Sounds very Benny Hill. If you aren’t into the idea of dating Benny Hill you should probably pass.
For me personally innuendos have never been part of flirting. Flirting should be charming and beautiful. Innuendos are tacky.

Palmfrond · 03/10/2022 23:22

@Sundaycoffee You’re not a prude. I don’t think @BagOfGin ’s attitude of (I paraphrase) “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to fuck” should be taken as a good gauge of how to proceed with any relationship, casual or otherwise.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/10/2022 23:26

For me personally innuendos have never been part of flirting

Snap, absolutely cringeworthy.

OldFan · 03/10/2022 23:26

I would absolutely blank/block him @Sundaycoffee . He only eased off for a bit because he realized it wasn't a tactic that was working to get you to give him the sex he wants.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/10/2022 23:26

To answer your question op I would bin as I’d find him about as amusing as a dose of the trots.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 03/10/2022 23:27

Putting aside it being a clue to his intentions, you should bin him for having the social skills and patter of a 14 year old.

OldFan · 03/10/2022 23:33

You’re not a prude. I don’t think @BagOfGin ’s attitude of (I paraphrase) “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to fuck” should be taken as a good gauge of how to proceed with any relationship, casual or otherwise.

@Palmfrond True. In fact arguably a couple should be working on becoming best friends.

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 03/10/2022 23:33

Yeah I think the cringe factor played a major part in it! Shame as conversation outside of that he seemed pretty switched on, intelligent and not a total dolt but then seemed to regress with those comments!

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 03/10/2022 23:35

He sounds dim and shallow if these Benny hill style comments are his conversational responses. Major indicator that sex is the biggest it only thing on his agenda.

AsanteSana · 03/10/2022 23:39

Sadly OP, I have come to the conclusion, from bitter personal experience, and that of friends, that navigating OLD is very much like tiptoing through a minefield and virtually every man on these sites is simply looking for an opportunity to dazzle you with their wit, innuendo and 'laddish' charm.

However, there are some genuine men who will treat you with respect, but finding those rare gold nuggets amongst the dross and sludge is an uphill struggle and akin to the task of Sysyphus...

Jaded and cynical? Moi?

Sandra1984 · 03/10/2022 23:42

I find those comments made to a woman you’ve never met creepy and cringey. testing the waters in a very juvenile way and testing your boundaries too. The problem with many of these OLD guys is lack of social skills. Bin this guy because if he’s making you uncomfortable chatting imagine IRL. It’s going to be one uncomfortable date.

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 03/10/2022 23:50

Definitely felt a bit creepy. Now he's sent paragraphs about how it was just silly flirty humour which obviously didn't transmit over text, he's sorry if he's misjudged things and his comments were only hypothetical and obviously not expected and thank you to alerting him to how I was feeling and apologies for "not giving you the respect you deserve" and he would love to find out more about me.
Ugh I'm exhausted 🤣

OP posts:

whitemats · 03/10/2022 23:53

Ugh, that would really give me the ick. Why do men think we like this? Does it ever work to get women into bed? Baffling.

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 03/10/2022 23:55

whitemats · 03/10/2022 23:53

Ugh, that would really give me the ick. Why do men think we like this? Does it ever work to get women into bed? Baffling.

Honestly, this.

OP posts:

Butterflymosaic · 03/10/2022 23:57

Oh god this reminds me why I will never OLD again 🙈🙈🙈

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 04/10/2022 00:21

Tbh the fact that he’s self aware enough to take your feedback on board and reflect on his behaviour would be a green flag to me! Yes it’s a bit cringe, but when you pointed that out he didn’t go all “wounded ego” over it or call you a humourless harpy etc so he’s probably already in the top 30% of men I’ve come across on OLD! If you get on otherwise and find him attractive id give it a date - what do you have to lose?

ganvough · 04/10/2022 01:43

Ugh, I'd have deleted him after the first sexual innuendo. Why would you carry on the conversation further or give him a chance to redeem himself?? You're not his therapist or life coach. If you were in a bar and a guy came upto you and within minutes made sexual innuendos, would you want to talk to him?

I have had lots of casual sex off the apps and even then never met up with any guy who leads with innuendos BEFORE we've met. Why would I give another chance to a stranger who doesn't have basic communication skills. He could also be a catfish pervert for all you know - no decent guy would want to sext with someone he hasn't even seen! It reeks of desperation.

This narrative that all men are crap on the apps, makes women put up with all manner of crap. Which in turn proliferates their belief that all men are crap. There are nice blokes out there, you just need to focus on conversations with them. Stop wasting time and energy on creeps and you'll have a better time on OLD or at least won't get so bummed out.

WalkthisWayUK · 04/10/2022 01:47

Yes I would. I love a good real life flirt, but the sleazy sexual innuendos and you haven’t even gone on a date? FFS…

Also, my Ex was constantly on OLD and was always steering it to sex, so watch out they are probably cheating husbands!

JustKittenAround · 04/10/2022 01:53

If you are looking for something serious then definitely steer clear of that. They should be wanting to get to know who you are. Flirting is fine but sex stuff isn’t.

if you don’t care then it’s all good.

babyyodaxmas · 04/10/2022 04:09

Something about how heating was expensive at the moment and there are other ways WE can keep warm.
I thought it was a bit creepy as I hadn't been receptive to it but he carried on (read the room!)

For me this is harmless banter, I might very well have said something similar myself. It isn't sexting or talking about sex for me. I actually think it's quite sweet and old fashioned- wasn't there a campaign in the 70's save water bath with a friend ?. For me sex talk would be something much more explicit.

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/10/2022 05:03

It's on the attempting to be funny, flirty side of banter for me, and given his response to your feedback, I'd not block him quite yet. You need to meet to establish what hes really like remember

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