OLD- should you always avoid men who steer the conversation towards sex?

[Sundaycoffee]

So I'm online dating in my 30s. My profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship no casual sex or friends with benefits.
Chatting to a guy who seemed perfectly nice initially but after a few exchanges kept dropping innuendos into the conversation. For example he asked what I had been up to that day and I told him I accomplished building a bed on my own with a joke about how exciting that sounds. Straight away he sends something along the lines of "that bed probably needs testing with a couple of people to make sure it's secure ;)"
Ignored this and changed the subject and he then made similar comments 2 more times in the conversation. Something about how heating was expensive at the moment and there are other ways WE can keep warm.
I thought it was a bit creepy as I hadn't been receptive to it but he carried on (read the room!)
After the 3rd time I called him out on it and said I'm not really interested in anything casual and his messages were giving those vibes and it's just not what I'm after.
He apologised profusely and said he just has a bit of a jokey, flirty type and sorry if he came across too strong. It's just part of his personality and he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable.
Would you give him a second chance or would it be an instant no from you regardless?

I think the men on OLD are there for hookups, and they lie about it. The time wasted on there could be spent at an activity where you're going to meet people who are into the same things, you can talk and find a connection in real life, become friends first. It's a better way of doing it.

It doesn't really matter if you say no fwb or that you're looking for something serious. They'll just lie saying they're looking for the same thing.

You can't be an open book with men. Make them work for it. It quickly weeds out the married, players, creeps. I'd leave out what you're looking for and only post a couple things about yourself. Be a bit mysterious.

I can't stand guys who are in 12 year old boy mode so much.
Anything you say turned into something about sex or farts.

It's not his first day OLD so to take 3 times for him to stop shows he's a creep.
Next.

I would say it’s cringe but you did kind of feed him by mentioning a bed?

I have been online dating for way too long, to begin with I didn’t mind all the cringe sexual innuendos, it was fun, but now it really gives me the ick unless it’s someone I have already slept with.

Cringe and block, OP. Cringe and block.

I find it absolutely bizarre that more than one person has told you you invited this by mentioning a bed. I cannot imagine any scenario where I tell someone I've been building a bed that day and they respond like that. We all have a bed- what other items must not be mentioned for fear of inviting innuendo from someone you've never even met?

@Sundaycoffee please block and delete. I have dated extensively and I would have deleted at the first "joke". Don't even tell him - a good man knows that innuendos are not on. I've been with my boyfriend 10 months now and he still doesn't even mention sex when we chat. Sorry I don't like it

Women can't mention a bed in casual conversation without this being an invitation for innuendo? Are you posting from the set of 'Carry on Camping'?

This made me laugh, brilliant!

I feel like this needs to be re-iterated. You are chatting to a STRANGER ON THE INTERNET you have not met. Not some guy you've met in person, or been on a date with where there's some familiarity. He could be a 60 year old creep, or a 15 year old teenager, or married man, and you've just spent your precious time entertaining and responding to 'flirting' from them.

Use common sense - do you think a normal, well adjusted guy will not feel conscious about the same thing i/e flirting with someone you've never met? Pre date texting isn't to flirt, it's to establish basic info about each other and set up a date. You start the flirting AFTER you've met.

I don't think one person steering the conversation towards sex is 'flirting'.

It's more of a 'fuck you, I'm more important so will say what I want' situation.

My profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship no casual sex or friends with benefits.

So given that's what you're after what were you expecting, to discuss the latest events in cosmology? He's probably looking for casual sex same as you.

Sorry just put my glasses on (just out of bed) missed the no in that bit.

Just move on he's not read the situation right (just like me).

Instant No from me
He's told you enough in these short days for you to know he is into casual sex and he's not choosey

He also flirts when it's not welcome so that's not a great sign

He's trying his hand
He barely knows you and this is his attitude - making unwelcome sexual innuendos even when it's obvious you aren't responding to that and you'd explicitly said you didn't want casual sex

Some OLD men don't bother easing what you write or they contact so many at same time they can't keep track

Can guarantee he is doing this chat to multiple women

You aren't compatible and he's a creep

Same.

When I was OLD I would unmatch after any lame sexual flirting. It’s hardly a compliment when you know they’ll do the same cheesy lines with everyone else.

I wanted a relationship and a real connection. I got it btw. You don’t need to settle for these losers.

I wouldn’t entertain it. 20 years ago I’d have been all giggly and “ooh he likes me”. These days I’d like a meeting of the minds. Anyone can get sex - most men are pathetic at that anyway - but a man who stimulates my mind? Gold dust.

I can give myself an orgasm in 30 seconds - why would I spend more than that talking to some sex-addled creep? 🤷‍♀️

If you havnt actually HAD sex with someone, sex innuendo like this is so cringey, but also is a good little red flag of an old fashioned attitude - Because it shows a lack of self awareness that its fucking cringey to make bed jokes to someone you've only just virtually met. So what else are they not self aware about.

Feel like this is too profound to just scroll by.

Red flag for me.

• he has not even met you face to face so innuendo is inappropriate at this stage
• his comments are cringe-worthy and immature and our sense of humour would not match, so a complete turn-off.

I would stop talking with anyone who sends that kind of stuff.

As for those who say to give him a chance: it is not your job to teach a grown man what is appropriate and how to flirt. Also, of course he would tell you what you want to hear just so he can continue to interact with you, hard to say if it is even sincere.

Yeah it's a turn off. So boring, they're always the ones who are shit in bed anyway!
I always called them out on it immediately and told them bluntly that even if I was open to casual sex, then steering any old conversation towards sex was both unoriginal and uninspiring.

I did end up meeting someone on OLD who never once even hinted at it, conversation always felt genuine - we've been together 5 years now

Weed out these ones, they're spouting the same lines to 100's of women and just seeing if they get a bite.

It may work for some, but it honestly just made me want to remain celibate

This!

I know right? So many topics to avoid!

IKEA- screw innuendos
Cars- pump up your tyres/fill your tank etc
Breakfast- milk, ie big milky titties
Dinner- sausages
Fitness- bending over, squats, “pumping iron” etc
Law & order- handcuffs, truncheons
Ukraine- big shooting rockets
Rishi Sunak- only small, but very powerful (no longer current usage)
King Charles III- purple faced and of erect bearing

Okay I’ll stop now. I have more. Much more. But I’ll stop.

@Palmfrond omg stop!!!!

@Palmfrond King Charles III 😂

@pippinsleftleg @WalkthisWayUK

On the other hand there are some innuendo proof topics for OLD chat, such as;

-Liz Truss
-Haemorrhoids
-Your Dphil thesis in applied ethics

Anything can led to a sexual innuendo, beds, IKEA or Prince Charles. Using completely lame subjects in order to get sexual with a total stranger is very creepy indeed. It also denotes a lack of boundaries and social skills. Next time I get petrol in my car and go inside to pay I’m going to tell the guy at the till “nice hose you got here” (wink wink).

He will think I’m a creepy old lady.

I do wonder how anyone on this forum ever gets laid 🤣

Everyone is so uptight.